Adoption

[inmycrease.livejournal.com]

I know this isn't directly vagina related, but it is related to reproduction so here goes, hope it is ok to post here.

I'm interested in adopting someday (not in the near future but still) and I was wondering if anyone knew of informative materials : books, websites, forums, etc that might help. There is a ton of information out there and I figured I'd ask around before jumping into it. I'm pretty much a complete newbie on this subject so any information, tips, advice would be excellent. Thanks in advance!

Comments

[cellar-closet.livejournal.com]

http://www.adoption.com/

This is actually a pretty good website, it has a forum, as well as a lot of info about financial resources. I might be adopting someday, too, so I was checking things out yesterday. :) There might be better websites/books out there, but I just started looking.

[anthylorrel.livejournal.com]

I don't know of any specific resources, but I was adopted, and my mother had told me a little bit about what she had done. She went the route of a private adoption. She worked directly with my birth mother, and a lawyer. By doing this, she was able to take me home from the hospital when I was 2 days old.

[sunkistfriend.livejournal.com]

I am a product of adoption!

I was involved in a closed adoption right from birth and also reconnected with my biological family at the same age as when my mother gave birth to me.

Ask any questions you'd like. :)

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

There are so many aspects of this, and I'm not sure exactly what you're asking about, but here are a few things that come to mind...

There is a good book called "Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew."

I would also encourage you to do some reading about the ethics of adoption. There are some good blogs out there by adoption activists. I don't have any of them bookmarked at the moment, but they are out there. It's good to think about where the child would be coming from, and how you feel about that in all it's intricacies before diving in. Also make sure you understand how the laws work regarding surrendering a child - the birth parents may (should, IMO) have a period of time during which they can decide they do want to parent the child, and the adoption can be disrupted. IMO, adoptive parents should be prepared for this possibility.

Finally, I like this checklist (http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/2010/04/adoptive-parent-checklist-to-read-and_872.html) for potential adoptive parents.

Anyway, this is kind of a hodgepodge, but I think it touches on some of the oft ignored aspects of adoption that are really important.

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I would kill to know what those 20 things are in that book -- I can't buy it right now, care to lend a girl a hand and list some of 'em?

FWIW, I agree with atalanta0jess's advice above. I think sometimes -- sometimes, not always or even usually -- prospective adoptive parents pursue the choice without fully considering the ramifications of adoption, what it can mean, and soforth. As an adoptee myself (my birthfamily found me when I was 18), it's important to me to advocate that prospective adoptive parents consider very deeply some of those questions on the checklist.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Of course!

The twenty items are:
1) I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
2) I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.
3) If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered
4) My unresolved grief may surface in anger towards you.
5) I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption, and then validate them.
6) Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them.
7) I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family
8) I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.
9) I am afraid I was 'given away' by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame.
10) I am afraid you will abandon me.
11) I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity.
12) I need to gain a sense of personal power.
13) Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.
14) Let me be my own person...but don't let me cut myself off from you
15) Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent.
16) Birthdays may be difficult for me.
17) Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times
18) I am afraid I will be too much for you to handle
19) When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me and respond wisely
20) Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.

Obviously these come from a perspective that suggests many/most adopted children have attachment needs related to their adoption, regardless of the age at which they were adopted. I haven't actually talked to any adoptees about whether it resonates for them...the book was recommended to me by a therapist who has a lot of experience with adoptive families, and reflects some things I've seen with clients, but I'd be curious to talk it over with some adult adoptees. If you feel like sharing a response I'd be glad to hear it, although obviously not if you are not comfortable.

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. Personally, I actually take a lot of issue with those items and the phrasing of them. It's not that some or all of them are not or may not be valid for some adoptees, it's the language used.

One of the problems I have with the psychological movement surrounding the primal wound theory is that, in my opinion, it goes too far the other way: while I do think it needs to be recognized that adopted children do have a unique experience that may manifest in a wide range of feelings that need to be grown through, it is equally harmful to assume that adopted children are "damaged." (I should also add that this problematic approach is perpetrated, in my opinion, by some adoptive parents, psychologists, and adoptees.)

The language in these items, to me, really and seriously swings too far that way. Obviously these are generalizations and not adoptees will identify with any or all of them; even still, it seems that most of these 20 items are incredibly assumptive and almost perjorative. Frankly, it's offensive to have a book assert that I might or should carry "toxic shame," or that I am not "whole" and need a parent's intervention to "uncover parts of myself."

My problem with the language here -- and I bet this was written by a primal wound fan -- is that it's disempowering and discouraging, frankly, and risks a major Barnum effect. I generally find primal wound theory to be more geared towards alleviating adoptive parents of parental guilt and restoring a certain saviour mythology than supporting adoptees; the subtext of so much of this writing is "Adoptee, you're damaged. Adoptive parent, you can save them, so long as you are always aware how damaged they are, and it's not your fault."

I'm paraphrasing terribly here, but you get my drift. We need to move past all this "damaged" business -- I don't think it's healthy to believe or teach an adopted child that they have "special needs" because they are adopted. That's so counterproductive, and so stigmatizing. All children have unique needs. Recognizing that we have a unique experience is much different from "teaching" us that we have "special adoptee needs."

The thing is, I don't fundamentally disagree that many adoptees have attachment issues. It's been the last year or two that I've been gaining an awareness of how my identity as an adopted person affects my relationships and attachments. But I greatly resent any book or therapist that enters the dialogue with a biased view towards believing that I have a certain subset of problems: it's really, really hurtful.

To put it another way, I once had a therapist that had clearly read a book like this. The therapy was one of the most negative and emotionally traumatizing experiences of my life, because despite her attempts to be "understanding" and "sympathetic," it was clear she was expecting to draw out a very specific response to my own adoption, and in the context of a therapeutic relationship that was flat-out painful.

Because here's the thing: I wasn't there to talk about being adopted. I have complex feelings about my own adopted identity, but they are ones (as above) that I've grown into... like every other human being comes to a better understanding of themselves with growth. Being pushed -- however gently and "supportively" -- into one set of responses minimalized what I did need to work on in therapy (unrelated to my adoption) and made me feel like a rotten statistic in someone's anti-adoption textbook.

That's the long and short of it. Some things on that list I agree with, primarily the points about adoptive parents opening dialogues about a child's biological family. I strongly disagree with every point that asserts a specific set of "damages" to the adoptee, and find them very stigmatizing, hurtful, and dismissive of the whole people adoptees are. We are not just echoes of an adoption struggling to be "fixed."

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Yeah...I think I agree with a lot of that. I find the book helpful in pointing out ways that adopted children MAY struggle. But to say that everyone who is adopted will struggle in those ways, or to say that to be adopted is to necessarily have a poor attachment style or is non-whole or something is inaccurate and just dumb really. I also got the sense that it was written by a primal wound fan (also by an adoptee, according to the book jacket). Shoot, I'm not adopted, and I'm definitely still learning about my attachment style and how/why that has developed in me....and also really recognizing through talking to others that some people are just inherently prone to secure attachment while others are not. To disrespect that variability is really damaging.

And I'm sorry you had a shit therapist. I feel like that's a danger with so many topics (e.g. past abuse)...it's such a line between looking for possible connections, and making assumptions about what's important or pushing too far into territory that isn't ready to be pushed into.

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

Aye. Ultimately, if I could tell prospective or existing adoptive parents anything, I would just say:

A) It's important to recognize that adopted children have a unique experience that the adoptive parent may find it difficult to relate to, and sometimes scary or painful to support. Recognize and accept, even if you don't truly understand, that what seems simple to you ("Genetics don't make a family!") may be more complex to your child.

B) Be open, supportive, frank and non-euphemistic about the child's adoption, starting the second the child comes home; if they are adopted as babies, there is absolutely no need to "wait til they can understand," and in fact this can be damaging. Start immediately, before they can understand.

C) If there are very difficult details about the child's biological family, work on developing age-appropriate ways to describe these details. These ways should evolve as the child grows. But nothing should be hidden, even if you feel it's kinder to the child for them not to know.

D) Practice -- even before the child is old enough to speak, if possible -- responding to potential queries or feelings about a biological family. Work through the emotions you may feel yourself, so that if your child approaches you with questions or asking for support finding a biofamily... or even just wants to voice their feelings... you do not react with instinctual fear, pain, anger or even hesitancy. If you want to be the type of mom your daughter talks to about her boyfriends, be the kind of mom your daughter talks to about her birthparents too.

E) Challenge in yourself some of the myths and assumptions about adoption that our society bears. Challenge yourself honestly: do you feel that your choice to adopt was "selfless," or that you are "saving" the child or "giving her a better life?" Recognize that adoption is no more or less "selfish" than having a biological child. Conversely, are you subconsciously disappointed, embarassed or ashamed of having adopted because you really desired to have a biological child? Challenge the assumptions inherent in that.

F) Recognize that in some ways, adopted children can indeed be "wild cards" slightly more than biological children. Be open to who, and what, they will become, while celebrating the place they have in your family.

I could get into more stuff -- there are specific points with cross-ethnic, cross-racial or cross-national adoptions, but I'm not the voice for that as I haven't been directly impacted by it. So those are my key points, anyway.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I LOVE these. Thank you so much for taking the time to share them. I'm book marking this to serve as a future resource. Thank you.

[inmycrease.livejournal.com]

Thank you Thank you Thank you to everyone who followed up with my post. I've been reading the responses and re reading. There is SO much info out there and I cant even begin to express my gratitude to all of you. This forum is awesome, and really does get people the help they need! Thanks to all!