"Wouldn't you have that figured out by now?"

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

This is what a security monitor at school asked about a teenage student darting across the hall to the bathroom, plastic crinkly pad in hand. What she didn't know is that I was standing there wearing 3 different menstrual products and wishing I'd bought another pack of Depends, simultaneously sympathetic to my student's need for and intensely jealous of her ability to get a bathroom pass.

Here's the thing: I'm 28. At this point, I've been menstruating for over half my life ( not continuously, with the exception of the months I was on Depo and mid-2006 through mid-2009). Though I've not yet crocheted my own tampons, I have tried mostly every category of menstrual product available. And I've been hearing the "figure it out" mindset for a number of years and from a number of people. (And I'm reacting as much to that decade and a half of buildup as much as -- probably even more than -- the one sentence I heard spoken today.)

I still don't have that figured out -- so why would I expect an 18-year-old to? Not that some 18-year-olds or younger people don't have blood management figured out, but I also think there's a distinction between what individuals do and what society can or should expect.

I am also not a fan of the messages this may send about menstruation. I'm seeing "figuring that out" as involving a couple of different things:

One should manage bleeding in such a way that it doesn't alter (or appear to alter) your daily activities or commitments in any way.

Again, while I think a lot of people do have this goal, I wouldn't totally mind just being able to go to the bathroom more often to take care of menorrhaging. (Fuck you, Firefox spell check, it is so a word.) Well, I should clarify. I'd like not to have to live on the toilet, but I'd also very much enjoy having more frequent bathroom breaks as an option on par with, "Use a number of blood collecting devices in and around your crotchal region. Also wear dark pants, cross your legs, and hope."

The second implication of "figuring that out":

One should manage bleeding in such a way that no one else will know about it if they don't want to.

Because, you know, sometimes people tell me that they need to change their tampon/pad/whatever, and sometimes I tell the same to other people. I've received -- and I imagine others have received -- some shocked and disgusted reactions from approaching it in a matter-of-fact, conversational manner. Like what I should have "figured out" is not to talk about my period. Ever. Or if I must, only to do in in a shamed whisper where the words "pad" and/or "tampon" are spoken so quietly as to be inaudible and where I also do not make eye contact with the person to whom I am speaking.

I am (or I would, theoretically, as applied to me) be all for a way to bleed where no one else would know about it if I didn't want them to. However, I'm not so thrilled with the thought that the focus should be on someone else's convenience. Blood happens, you know?


PS -- For any cup-a-philes, my large Yuuki cup arrived today. It holds 50% more than my small UK Mooncup; I have hopes that it alone will help me "figure out" blood management for 45-60 minutes at a pop. :D

Comments

[burning-moon117.livejournal.com]

I work as a CNA in a nursing home. My co-workers and I tell each other when we are on our periods, cramping, having hot flashes, menopausal, etc. We also tell each when we are going to the bathroom, so someone can cover our rooms for a few minutes, so we are pretty open with each other. Of course 98% of the employees are female. But yeah, it's not something that people will be disgusted about.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've not experienced disgust from others at work -- and I've definitely not experienced it from everyone. But there are definitely plenty of times where people have acted like I've committed some act of horrendous rudeness by uttering the words "period" or "pad."

[jaggednib.livejournal.com]

Fuck them. Fuck them all. If you can't handle hearing about periods, go hide under a rock because women BLEED and it's never going to change.
If you are a man (unless you are gay), you better get used to it because your significant other will bleed all throughout your time together.

I'll talk about my period when and if it happens, when it's not happening and any other time I feel like it and everyone better get the fuck used to it.
End Rant.

Sorry, it really bugs me when people get "uncomfortable" with natural bodily functions or talking about them.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Why would I want to fuck anyone who can't handle hearing about periods? ;)

Says the person who carried on an entire conversation with her partner last night while she was on the bed figuring out how to insert the big Yuuki. (It apparently has to pop open right away; if it doesn't, there is no room to maneuver.)

[pocochina.livejournal.com]

Yeah, period-shaming someone (especially a kid, Jesus shitting Christ) is a pretty sure way to make my Bad List. I hate the way we're supposed to pretend we don't have bodies. It's not even that we're supposed to be objects and just our bodies. We're supposed to be Pretty Lady Holograms with nothing inside.

Hope the Yuuki works out!

[jennifer0246.livejournal.com]

oh no, you're not supposed to pretend you don't have a body -- you're supposed to have a completely sexual body. nothing you say or do should be non-sexual, and for most people, blood ain't t3h sexy.

super obnox.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

Not to mention many teens are very irregular yet, so even if they've gotten it all "figured out" about dealing with their menses (which I sure wasn't yet at that point), it can still come as a complete surprise!

[quietchildae.livejournal.com]

It is very frustrating the way periods are treated. It doesn't seem like it should be that way - it's natural, female bodies are designed to do this. But, much like nudity, it is a sign of shame :( Good luck with your new cup! I hope it works well for you.

[kittery-tide.livejournal.com]

Yeah, people do that all the time. Period-shaming is ridiculous. Recently, my friend spilled tampons from her purse on a date and was MORTIFIED that her date would assume she was on her period. WTF. WHO CARES. It's ridiculous that "figuring it out" has that implication of pretending it doesn't exist.

[elephantus45.livejournal.com]

My period was all over the place when I was in high school! That's a really rude thing to say.

[happychildless.livejournal.com]

We have a nurse, but she is rarely there. I have had a few girls BEG me for Advil, and I have come to know the urgent "have to go now" look. A few girls went home for pads/Advil because she was not there. Another walked out of class and get detention. Not to mention I almost smacked an immature boy commented that a girl had her period when she said she needed to go. Boy who doesn't miss high school?

My period is doing that late 30's "So you think you have this figured out?" thingy. Between fibriods, possible miscarriage, IUD I have had lots of fun. It took 8 months on Ocella for period to get light (were not light on Desogen and let's not mention Apri). Got used to it, and well, you know. Thought I had PMDD under control, but back to fatigue and leg pain/restlessness at night again. Oh yeah and the breakthrough bleeding/spotting needs to go.

Believe me, I have it easy, but that does not I have it figured out. Let's face it, we are women, we have a rap of being unpredictable. And we are supposed to have periods figured out easily. Bullshit.

[actorgrl04.livejournal.com]

Being an teenager is tough let alone adding having a period as well!! Our bodies are complicated things and I don't think there is a single person who has "figured it out" or understands it yet. as soon as we have "figured out" our menstrual cycle it always throws us a curve ball!!
No one should shame anyone because of their bodily functions!! It happens and we just have to deal with it, like it or not!

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of baffled by the suggestion that she DIDN'T have something figured out. She had a pad, she was going to change it. I don't see how that suggests anything about her not having things figured out. Did you have a sense of what that person meant by their comment?

And yes...as if it was always so easy to figure out. And even if it was, bodies change over time - figuring it out one year does not mean figuring it out forever! Or as if figuring it out meant dealing in a way that hides your bodily functions from everyone.

[buzzboomsplat.livejournal.com]

Maybe they meant we're supposed to be able to change pads and tampons/empty menstrual cups by magic! That would be pretty swell. We'd also be able to know the exact moment that our period will arrive, how heavy it will be, how long it will last and if there's going to be cramps, how strong they'll be. I'm really looking forward to having figured it out.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Maybe they meant we're supposed to be able to change pads and tampons/empty menstrual cups by magic!

Or that changing menstrual products should happen during passing periods or at lunch, rather than during class time. And I do think it makes sense to encourage to use that time, when possible, to take care of menstrual and other personal business. That said, where I disagree with the statement, at least as I understood its implication, was that lunch and passing periods should always be expected to be enough.

I mean -- One menstrual product does not last me a full class period; I can totally believe that this could be true for someone else (especially if there's a tampon inserted or pad positioned ineffectively, which also happens). While I can change my pad inside one passing period, I can't empty and reinsert my cup and wash my hands in the same amount of time, and definitely not if I have to wait for the bathroom; if someone has trouble, say, inserting a tampon quickly and easily, I can see how a passing period is not going to cut it for that either.

[1girl.livejournal.com]

I agree. How much more figured out does one need to have their period other than, "Time to change my pad" and doing it? I don't really bother hiding my period (although I did in high school!), and when I was in college I felt comfortable strolling to the bathroom tampon in hand. But I knew of some girls who went through great lengths to hide the fact that they were bringing a pad or tampon into the bathroom. I knew one girl who would "reapply" her makeup in the bathroom every three hours because she hid her tampons in her makeup case. Fuck that noise. I bleed once a month and I can't be arsed to hide that fact. Luckily for me, my boyfriend is cool with me talking about my period. In fact, he loves having sex while I'm on my period because I'm more sensitive during that week. He even asks me to take out my cup so we can have sex, so he's very aware of my menstrual cycle. (That and the fact that sometimes I accidentally leave my cup in the sink.)

[jennifer0246.livejournal.com]

maybe she was supposed to control her uterus so as to only need to change a pad/tampon/empty a cup once a day? if so, i'd LOVE to know how that shit works. uterus hypnosis, mebs?

[hairballsplat.livejournal.com]

ack! I LOVE THIS IDEA. if anybody figures out uterus hypnosis, let me know. maybe i could convince mine to empty itself in one day and i'd just stay on the toilet all day...rather than the 9 days i've got now.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

On a serious note, to clarify a point, the implication I took from the comment was that menstrual products should be changed outside of class time.

On a note of fabulous glee, where the fuck is this uterus hypnosis class? Sign me up twice.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

As I understood it, the implication was that menstrual management should be taken care of outside of class time. And to be fair with respect to that, the school in general does have issues with students who don't prioritize and time manage as well as they should (which results in, say, students standing in the halls during passing period, rather than going to the bathroom or walking to their next class) and with students who ditch and wander the halls during class time in the afternoons. But I think that's a different issue from running directly to the bathroom with a menstrual product in hand.

While I certainly wouldn't mind a world in which any sort of ZOMG! BATHROOM NOW! situation never conflicted with class, that's not the world we live in. A lot of the secondary school employees I've talked to over the years (not just in my current school) have this idea that whatever it is, it can wait until the end of class. Which, um, no. Not to discount the things that can wait or the students who try to work the system (asking for a bathroom pass to go get Hot Cheetos =/= the same urgency of need), but some instances really cannot wait.

[hairballsplat.livejournal.com]

how about when you've got three minutes to get from one end of the school to the other, possibly stop by your locker to switch out books AND try to get in and out of the bathroom to deal with your period? I do NOT miss that aspect of high school. I used to get my schedule at the end of the summer and try to figure in bathroom breaks and trips to my locker so i didn't have to lug all my books/notebooks around all day. i'm that anal...or paranoid or whatever. and my period wasn't near as heavy then as it is now.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't that be a nice world? Or a world in which ZOMG! bathroom sitches just didn't happen! Even better. :) In the meantime you'd think folks could have a bit more compassion.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

In the meantime you'd think folks could have a bit more compassion.

For realz. And there's a part of me that wonders... a lot of the "periods should be invisible" attitudes I've encountered have been from female-bodied people, many of whom I expect do menstruate or have menstruated for a significant portion of their lives. And I wonder if the lack of compassion might be able to be chalked up to thoughtlessness... If they've never experienced bloodmergencies, maybe they don't understand how people could?

But I also can't think there are so many people who've never had a bloodmergency, you know?

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I wonder if its partially an issue of shame - its embarrassing to have a "bloodmergency" (love it, btw!) and part of acting like its never happened to ME is saying "oh god, how could that happen to HER?"

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

http://community.livejournal.com/vaginapagina/18037020.html

:D

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

awesome!

[missmoses.livejournal.com]

I learned everything about having a period from a friend. Finally two years after my first cycle, my mom asked me if I needed help figuring anything out. Yeah, thanks!

I love the way you write, too.

[polish-pirate.livejournal.com]

How awful for someone to say that- especially when a partial reason for many women going on birth control (one of my sibs included!) is to REGULATE a period. Everyone is different, and especially the first few (or several!) years of having menses can take some time to sort out what works for you and what doesn't.

And sorry, regardless of how "regular" you are, I don't know anyone who knows EXACTLY what time you're going to start bleeding. Jeeeez.

Also, my last couple years of high school/early college career I actually made it a point to loudly announce when I was on my period because I knew one too many guys that were like, "EW, GROSS!" and it really really bothered me that they couldn't be more accepting of something that I couldn't help to begin with.

Sorry, folks, but it is as natural as sweating/farting/breathing. It is SO frustrating to have to be constantly worrying about what our bodies are doing and having to "cover" it up. This stigma about bodily functions is serious ridiculous.

*hugs and comfort and understanding, if desired!*

[veryfirstdate.livejournal.com]

I agree but it's not just men, I've heard "Ew, gross!" come from several women too. School was a nightmare for me as they were strict on people going to the toilet during classes and if you were late to your next class because you went to the toilet, you were so screwed. "You have break time and lunch time to go to the toilet." Yeah thanks...

I'm 19 and have only figured out how to best manage my period in the past year or so. I definately know that while in school I'd never even heard of a menstrual cup, the only forms of protection I'd heard of where tampons/pad's.

I think there needs to be more education in schools to get rid of this stigma, especially so generations afterwards, it becomes as normal as breathing. Education for both boys and girls.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

I agree that it's thoughtless and unsympathetic to expect this sort of menstrual management of people. That said, it's also not particularly thoughtful or sympathetic (or keeping in line with VP's safe space policy) to label a third party an "asshat" because of a single comment that person made.

Point taken

[parachles.livejournal.com]

Consider the comment retracted... nevertheless, my feeling about the matter remains the same.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

The student wasn't stopped; I'm sorry if my account was unclear. The statement was said to me as I was watching my student go across the hall. (I was watching because sticking my head out the door and making eye contact with a monitor is sometimes faster and less disruptive than taking the time to write out a pass. In a "grab the pad and run" kind of situation, every second counts!)

Also, while I definitely agree that the remark was ignorant and thoughtless, I'm not sure how fair it is to label someone a "jerk" based on one sentence that that person has said. Also, name calling is something that's maybe not so encouraged in VP as it can sort of lend itself to judging a person rather than a person's words.

[zaggytiddies.livejournal.com]

Nothing to add just wanted you to know loved this! Very funny.

[encuentracuerpo.livejournal.com]

thank GOD for my boyfriend's patience and understanding. i can talk to him about nay aspect of my period/menstrual cycle and he pats my back and makes me tea.

that being said, i hardly get the same response from most other people. only in college did i feel comfortable not hiding a tampon in my pocket to go to the bathroom from class. even then, i definitely got looks...

i thnk a lot of this bizarre mentality comes from the (equally bizarre) idea that women should be dainty... like we should all have periods that are dainty and controlled by a single, rose smelling slim fit tampon. that being said, you are no less or more of a woman if the above is true for you. it's just not true for all of us.

sigh.

[encuentracuerpo.livejournal.com]

*any