embarrassed

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

i have a long history of a horrible self image.  over the past year this has improved TONS (yay!) and now i can work out without becoming obsessed, eat food and enjoy it, look in the mirror, and even weigh myself (as of a few days ago!).  i am getting married in two months.  my fiance and i are waiting until we're married to have PIV sex, but we've done everything else.

the only body issue i have around my fiance comes up when he wants to perform oral sex.  i usually get very nervous and tell him not to do it.  he always tries to calm me down, but i have never enjoyed it and am usually on the verge of a panic attack when he suggests it.  i usually assume that my insecurities are things that no one ever notices -- things that i obsess over but that don't really matter/aren't realistic.  i don't like oral sex because i'm concerned he will think it's gross (even though he has told me he doesn't).

yesterday, my fiance told me he wanted to talk about a "problem" he has.  he assured me that it was normal and he looked it up online to figure out how to fix it.  then he revealed his problem:  "it grosses me out to do that for you" (oral sex).  i looked at him in complete shock and then burst into tears.  he told me that he wants to start doing it more so he can get used to it, but i'm too horrified to ever let him do it again.

i feel devastated.  it felt like the first time i ever felt fat.  i can't believe the insecurity i had convinced myself was an overreaction is actually real.  what do i do to get over something like this?  i feel like i can never engage in anything sexual with him again out of embarrassment.

Comments

[cailin-t.livejournal.com]

if you don't like it being done to you and he doesn't like doing it...why not just not do it? :) i don't like it, so i don't have it done. there's nothing wrong or abnormal for either of you to not be into certain sexual things.

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

i feel a little defeated if we don't do it. i think that is the wrong reaction, but that is how i feel.

[cailin-t.livejournal.com]

i think that's the issue you need to work on then, not trying to make you both like something you don't. there's really nothing that sex has to be and there is no type of "normal" sex or a prescription it has to follow to be good - it's about what the two of you enjoy together. since neither of you enjoy that particular thing, it seems like a good idea not to do it. forcing yourself to do sexual things you don't like isn't healthy for either of you. :(

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

i have always agreed with you, in theory :) it has just been harder to make myself keep believing it when it's actually applying to me.

Analogy

[ljquin.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there are foods you don't like and don't feel bad about not eating. No difference. Whether it's mushrooms or cunnilingus...don't do what you don't like.

Re: Analogy

[cfoxrun.livejournal.com]

Whether it's mushrooms or cunnilingus...don't do what you don't like.

this!! I'm actually not a fan of either haha.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

Hm...it may also be though, that there's a difference between "I really don't want to do that" and "doing that makes me feel uncomfortable, but I wish it didn't." For me, oral sex WAS uncomfortable, but was also something I wanted to do...it was just hard to get over that initial discomfort. So it was something I didn't want to do in that exact moment, but something I DID want to do in life, if that makes any sense.

[yeshailey.livejournal.com]

did he say it grosses him because of your body, your weight, or your vagina itself? i don't think it's your weight. i think a lot of guys are just freaked out about being that close to a vagina. some girls dislike giving head, some men dislike the same. i doubt it has anything to do with your weight. but i'm sorry that happened!

also, i think you two would be just fine if you didn't do it at all. you're embarrassed about it, you don't enjoy it, and it turns out he doesn't like it: sex won't be bad without it. it'll be panic free and stress free. but i can understand why you feel completely betrayed and upset right now. it's not YOUR fault or your problem though. this is just something you two need to talk about now.

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

i know it has nothing to do with my weight, i'm sorry if i was unclear. i just feel the same kind of insecurity. i feel horrible and disgusting.

i told him i never want him to do it again, but it was more out of hurt than looking for a resultion. like i said in another reply, i feel like if we don't do it at all, i've been defeated, but it might be our best option. thanks for your input and kind words.

[yeshailey.livejournal.com]

i understand what you're saying then. but don't let it feel like you've been defeated if you never do it again. you should feel better about it, you felt insecure when he would do it to begin with -- without it, you'd both feel better. it's not a big deal. my boyfriend rarely ever goes down on me, i'm a bit uncomfortable with it myself! he probably is too. and that's just how it goes, so we don't do it often or for long and all is well.

[mandy.livejournal.com]

First off he could've completely said in such a non-hurtful way. There are numerous men out there who aren't into performing oral sex on their female partners but I can completely understand how this hurt you very badly. I face the same issue with my current boyfriend; he simply doesn't want to perform it on me basically because of my pubic hair getting in the way so unless I wanna shave it all off (and I don't feel inclined to AT ALL) he won't be doing it. I had the same reaction when he told me he didn't like doing it...I felt embarrassed and that somehow he saw part of me as ugly and gross. It's not pleasant at all!

It took some discussion about it to clear up my feelings over it...he realized how badly it hurt me to hear that from someone si important in my life. Does your fiance realize this as well? Frankly I think he needs to apologize to you from realizing his rather tactless language. As for fixing his problem...perhaps it can, and perhaps not. I can't say. It takes a lot of trust to allow someone to do oral sex on me; I've gotten panic-y about it as well so I can understand that too. But hey, you two don't have to do it either. Sexual activity is pleasant to you guys already yeah? Excluding some parts of oral sex isn't the end of the world...just do what you enjoy fully :)

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

[torsornin.livejournal.com]

I totally agree. I think you need to have a chat with him, what magess said was hitting the nail on the head


I also liked the mushroom thing :)

Sorry what a bummer for you

*hug*

[nickelshoe.livejournal.com]

I'd try to focus on how hard it probably was for him to come to you and tell you this. He sounds like he wants to give you oral because he thinks it's important to your sex life, and he wants to get past any hangups he has about it, but he needs your help to do that.

If you guys still want to do oral, you've got a great start with honest communication. Keep the communication going. Let your fiancee know that while you appreciate his honesty, it was surprising and is making you more insecure. Maybe there's something you'd been wanting to tell him that will be easier now?

My husband has shared things about our sex life that made me feel insecure, but in the end, being able to share those kinds of things leads to a better sex life.

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

You are completely right. Thank you so much for your comment. He is shy and it takes a lot for him to talk to me about that kind of thing and I need to acknowledge that.

[pinkbelle7.livejournal.com]

wow, i dont' like it either, i feel so ugly and I get turned off if I recieve oral sex from my bf..

I agree with him saying it in a non-hurtful way. I wouldn't do oral (you for him or him for you) for awhile, and maybe that will calm things down.

Dont' beat your self over it. if he thought you were ugly/fat/gross then you guys wouldn't be getting married..

good luck

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

thank you :) i hope you can find some peace in your insecurity too.

[anni-hilation.livejournal.com]

First of all, congrats for coming so far from where you've started! And second, this may be a serious case of "it's not you, it's him." Do you know if he's performed oral sex on other girls, or are you his first? If you're the first girl he's done this for, it may really be something he needs to get used to. I know some men who refuse to do it point blank period, to ANY girl no matter WHAT. I also know women who refuse to perform oral sex no matter what. And it really has nothing to with the person they're with and everything to do with preference. As much as a blow to the ego and to the self confidence a comment like his is, there's a good possibility it has nothing to do with your natural aroma/taste, and everything to do with it still being something so foreign to him. Also, he may have picked up on the fact that you are so self conscious about it. He may feel like when he does do it, you're not getting pleasure out of it, so in turn he doesn't get pleasure out of it. The fact that he came to you with his concerns and expressed the desire to work through them really says a lot about him as a person and how much he cares for you. Try to take comfort in that at least, for now. In the future when you want to try it again, there's a couple of things you can do to help you feel as "fresh" as possible, and hopefully ease some of those nerves. Try showerring first, and just use warm water (NO SOAP!!) to rinse yourself. Also, eating pineapple helps you smell and taste a good deal sweeter (not to mention makes your sweat smell sweet!). And, this is totally personal preference, but I know my boyfriend prefers not to perform oral sex on me when I'm not clean shaven. I really hope you two can work through this together and build your confidence in the process. Best of luck!

[meganwonders.livejournal.com]

I was his first kiss, his first everything. I've kissed other people, but beyond that he is my only experience too. We have been really good about teaching each other what we like and don't like, but this has been where we fall short.

Anyway, thanks for the advice!

[archangelbeth]

Definite... Ow. About all I can suggest is... Communication. Perhaps a bit of "you know, you could have used some other term than grossed out."

That said, he's probably freaking out because of the whole "bottoms are yucky" mindset, and presumably he hasn't done it much before. He may be concerned about the texture of natural lubricant (some people, male and female, have physical triggers about textures, as well as tastes -- doesn't matter what they think! the sensation just goes straight to the hindbrain and causes a reaction). And, importantly, he hasn't done it with you, the person he wants to marry. But it really is a good sign that he wants to get past his immediate reaction and please you! (Now, if only he could've found a better way to say that he had issues... Gah.)

Add to the suggestion of Communication, then... You don't have to try oral right away. (I mean, you don't have to try it ever if you don't want to, but it seemed that you both wanted to make a go of it? I've got a miserable cold, so I may be misreading.) You can both work up to it -- fingering, sex, lying with your heads on each other's naked laps. Fingering with his head on your leg. Sixty-nining, maybe, which can at least have distraction and immediate reciprocation going on -- you're giving him the same "treatment." Or he could start with a dental dam if he has taste/texture triggers that he can't overcome.

Anyway... I'm saying this badly, I know. I'm sorry. I blame the miserable cold+fever. Talk with him and let him know that hearing that, in that way, makes you feel like it's your failing. But I'm betting that it's not you at all that's the issue. It's something in his head, psychological or physical, that's getting in the way of him doing what he really wants to do: please you. It may help to keep that part in mind, even if his presentation sucked?

*offers hugs*

[staceyloobug.livejournal.com]

I agree with the above commenter - maybe he picked up on the fact that YOU feel as though it may be gross, so now he thinks it's gross.

I kind of hurt for you, because you're getting married in two months, but...I think you have a lot of thinking / talking to do. I don't think this is a HUGE BIG THING OMG, but if I were in your shoes (and I say this as gently as possible, because I'm NOT in your shoes), I'd be pretty upset that he said "this grosses me out." I'd have some second thoughts about if we were compatible as people - not sexually necessarily, since you don't like it, and he doesn't like it, it's almost like sexually you two WORK. But my only concern (and it might not bother you at all, so take this with a grain of salt) is HOW he said it.

I hope everything goes well with your wedding - marriages are hard work. Make sure you have a sit-down with him as to how you feel about this, his reaction, etc. This is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, right? Then you need to really feel comfortable with yourself and with HIM.

Good luck!

[sylvera-sidhe.livejournal.com]

for the record, honesty is the very best policy, yeah?
my husband of 10 years hates giving me oral. for the same reason your guy gave you. i'm heavy, and was plump when we got together, but it wasn't about that for him. it was about the act itself. my best attempts at getting more info has yielded little but from what i understand, he didn't like it with other (tiny, blonde, hot) girls either. so i don't ask for it. i don't expect it. and we do just fine without it.
the fact that your guy looked it up and is up front about it when questioned gives me a smile because (my opinion) it means he cares about making you happy and having a happy healthy sexual relationship. just remember that you are beautiful no matter what, and he loves you no matter what, PLEASE don't be embarrassed. i want to say don't be hurt, but i know for awhile you're going to be. i know i was.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

This is a perfect comment. I think its true that a lot of people are unsure of what they are going to find down there, and so it seems kind of gross, scary, etc. OP, you might want to schedule some "body 101" time - with the lights ON, just explore each others bodies. Let him see your vag up close, with out any pressure to DO anything to it. Just...check things out. And of course make a rule that only positive things can be said. At the very least, (even though this might be hard in the moment) it'll help chip away at some of the embarrassment you have...because you'll know that he's seen it all and still loves you!! Its scary to really show your body to someone...but once you do, it feels kind of liberating, IMO.

Good luck.

[pirogoeth.livejournal.com]

I've seen it at least hinted at once or twice in this thread that "Men don't like it because they're taught not to like it!" but I think it's important to keep in mind that men, just like women, have likes and dislikes when it comes to this kind of thing, too.

Some men just honestly don't like certain acts and that's okay! They don't necessarily dislike certain acts due solely to society. :)

ETA: I just wanted that a.) this wasn't aimed at you directly and b.) I'm not at all trying to say that some people (both men AND women) don't have dislikes/fears about these kinds of things due to society and such.

[cellar-closet.livejournal.com]

Amen to what pirogeth said. Yes, society does program people into thinking certain things, and the pressure can make someone go from liking something to disliking it, and vice versa, but it's not really fair to assume that that's always the case. Like pirogeth said, some guys and women just don't like certain things. Maybe it's because they've never tried it and are nervous about it, or maybe they've tried it and found out it's something they aren't comfortable with. Society does play a roll a lot of the time, but not always, so it's better to talk to him personally and find out why, before just jumping to the conclusion that he's been programmed this way.
All of that said, he could have found a more tactful way to express his feelings to you, and if my fiance had used the term 'grossed out' I would have been hurt, too. So I feel ya on that. However, I think it's awesome that he was honest with you about this, because so many people aren't able to talk candidly about something like that. It's also awesome that he's trying to get used to it for the sake of your sex life, although it might end up being something he just doesn't do. If this is something that you really want to incorporate into your sex life, then like others have said, do it slowly. Give yourselves a little time after that talk since you were hurt, and try again. Maybe have him try it in the shower after you've washed yourself? (I'm not at all implying that you're dirty!) just some people are more comfortable being all up in some genitals when they've been freshly washed. Just remember to not put any pressure on yourselves. Go slow, don't worry about what you think you should like and what you shouldn't like. If you try a few times and you're both still not cool with the whole thing, then it's just not for you. There are plenty of other good things you can do in the sack. ;) Keep communication open about this, it's important. If you decide that you both aren't interested in trying this at all, then that's totally cool, too. Don't think that you're weird or abnormal for not wanting oral sex in your relationship, you wouldn't believe the variety out there! Some people don't like PIV sex and stick strictly to anal, some people like golden showers, and that's the norm for them. As long as you aren't hurting anyone or each other, do what you want, and don't do what you aren't comfortable with. :)

[darlahood.livejournal.com]

If you don't like it and he doesn't like it then don't fucking do it.

I personally don't like oral either, so you're not the only one. I feel ok in my own skin... I just don't like it... and you know what, THAT'S OK! Don't let anyone make you feel like "you're missing out on something" or "oh you just haven't had oral with the RIGHT person *wink wink*"

Naw, screw all that... if you don't like it then you don't like it... end of story.

[capt-tik-taco.livejournal.com]

He's not freaked out by the way you or your ladybits look. Since you're his first, he's probably just weirded out in regards to the way a girl tastes. Nothing else really smells or tastes like a vagina, so he's probably grossed out solely on the grounds that he has no precedent. He's probably just confused in that "I don't have much experience in this field and this is totally new and bizarre taste" kind of way.

[tsemed-chemed.livejournal.com]

I think that, if you will feel defeated if you don't keep trying, wait a little while. Continue to do the things you *do* enjoy doing with your fiance. Once you both feel more comfortable with each other's bodies, you can try again, but if you still feel uncomfortable and he still doesn't like it, you can do all the other things that give you pleasure.

You will have your whole married life to try things out and explore sexually, so there's absolutely no rush.

I know that I don't really care to do things to a partner if they aren't obviously enjoying it, because I get pleasure out of giving pleasure. If the person isn't getting pleasure while I'm trying to give it, I want to do something that *does* give my partner pleasure. You mentioned that he is the one who, previously, has wanted to perform oral sex on you, so maybe it's that?

[ljquin.livejournal.com]

Not everyone enjoys everything: I know I don't like "receiving". No need to feel defeated: sex isn't about a list you need to tick things off from, it's about two people expressing their love by doing what feels good. If something doesn't feel good for either of you don't do it. Magazines and society put a lot of pressure on women to be very sexual but sexuality is not the same for everyone. Just because a lot of people enjoy something you don't doesn't make you "broken" or mean you're "doing it wrong". The important thing is for you and your hubby to communicate and find out what does do it for you both, then do that.

[darlahood.livejournal.com]

You said what I was trying to say but so much more eloquently and better ;)
(I think you have not had the 2.5 glasses of wine that I had... oopsie)

[pocochina.livejournal.com]

If you don't like receiving oral, then of course there's no failure if you decide not to do it. However, it reads to me like some body shame is getting in the way of finding out if you enjoy it or not, and that's a whole other deal. If that's the case, then of course the first order of business is going to be to work through your fiance's thoughtless comment (and "grossed out" is thoughtless in any context!), and you've gotten some really great advice above about that. Reading between the lines - since he has wanted to and continues to want to perform oral on you - it sounds to me at least as likely as not that he's actually expressing some insecurity about his performance, especially knowing it's difficult for you. Also, body shame can be really heavily tied up in ED as well. Is he aware of your history on that front? It might be important to clue him in on that, and why it's so important for him to be supportive of your self image.

Good luck!

[deathbytamarind.livejournal.com]

My guy and I had a similiar thing with anal sex. I don't want to do it and I was feeling ashamed/guilty for not wanting to, like I was supposed to at least try it or something. Frankly, the idea of it does not appeal to me at all.

My boyfriend brought it up one day, saying he's had experiences with other women that haven't made anal great for him either. Suddenly, it was like a weight was lifted. I don't want to, he doesn't want to, and the stressing out just stopped.

Talk about it. A lot of the time the simplest answer is the one that's been there all along.

[trixiefirecra.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie. I feel like giving you a hug. I would be devastated if my boyfriend said that to me. I have a pretty bad self image, so BIG PROPS to you for coming this far. It's amazing that you've managed to overcome a lot of your underlying issues and started moving forward.

Basically, I think he could have worded this better. Two of my friends have had this issue with their boyfriends. One just flat-out told her he thought it was disgusting. Another one just didn't feel comfortable with it. It usually seemed to be that they had NEVER liked it -- it wasn't the particular girl or her vagina, it was just that they didn't like the act itself.

My boyfriend was unsure about it when we first got together. He had done it once for a previous girlfriend and hadn't really enjoyed it. But he agreed to try it and he was pretty 'standard' at first. Now, almost three years later, he begs me to let him do it all.the.time. So sometimes it's a case of just easing into it and getting used to it, etc. It became a massive turn on for my boyfriend -- it could do the same for yours.

My advice would be to talk this through. Bring up the fact that this really has brought you back a few steps in terms of your negative self-image. I think he needs to ditch words like "gross" and start focusing on what it is 'with him' that makes him not enjoy it. I doubt it's about you or your vagina. It is probably an issue he has with the act itself -- like that he might have been taught that it's dirty, or he's not sure how to do it and that turns him off, or he isn't accustomed to the smell and taste of a vagina. If he can identify what it is that bothers him, that's a big step forward to communicating about your sex life in a more open and honest way.

I hope you won't let yourself get too sad about this. I honestly doubt it has anything to do with you, and I do think it has everything to do with him. Not that he's a bad person -- just that it's HIS issue and it's not something for you to be embarrassed about. Communicate how upset you are -- start talking about sex more, and about your likes and dislikes. If you HONESTLY don't want to have oral sex ... *don't*. Don't feel pressure to do it just because you feel you 'should'. No sex act is required by law. Just do what feels good for *you* and don't worry about the rest.

Most importantly, feel good about how far you've come. I really admire anyone who can get past some of their image issues -- it takes a lot of work. Hope you feel better and that you two will talk it out.

*hugs*

[in-pieces.livejournal.com]

with my ex, he apparently didn't like giving oral. He told me that he used to give his old gf's it all the time, but he never once even tried with me. I decided that he didnt like it, and even though its something that I really like, and gets me off, i didnt push it... and i really like giving head, but he didn't seem to care too much if i did it or not.. so we really didn't do that either.

but if you both don't like it, there's no reason for you guys to do it. There's more sexual things to do than oral, and who's to tell you that you're supposed to writhe on the bed screaming because it feels so good, and that he's supposed to be this dude who has the most amazing skills ever? its not true.

my boyfriend and i feel the same way about anal. I don't like to do it, but i would be ok if he really really wanted it... but he's not into it either, so we don't have it. Its perfectly fine with both of us not to have it.