(no subject)

[darkserena.livejournal.com]

I'm at my wit's end, I think. My boyfriend and I fooled around tonight (despite me having mono...he was really concerned that I would wear myself out). We got interrupted because we live on campus at our university and his apartment has an open-door policy for all our friends. So we shoo them and get back to it, but he's no longer in the mood. Understandable. I offer to help him get back in the mood (which is quite forward for me!), and do so for a while.

We go back to fooling around. We've started doing this thing in which we lie on our sides facing one another and kinda press ourselves together, so his penis is rubbing on my clit. I really enjoyed it in the first few times we did it (to the point of orgasm, which is always nice since I don't orgasm during sex without lots of manual stimulation), so it's nice for times when we don't have too much time to be alone, or don't have the energy to have PIV sex.

I could tell he was still not in the mood though. He was leaning his head on his arm, when usually we cuddle together and kiss. He was not really thrusting very much, and there's only so much of that I can do myself with my bad hips. I mention this and he says the mood was just ruined - again, understandable. I mention that he can still touch me and help me out if he's not into it. He does so for a few minutes and stops, then says he was taking a cuddle break when I mention that he never seems interested in "following through" when doing that. Also he's been focusing pretty much all his attention on my clit, as though that will get the job done faster.

So he goes at it again, but this time is only fingering me. Nothing clit-related. I say I'd love it if he could do both at once, and he does for a couple minutes, and then he's done. That's it. He's tired and not into it.

I'm so frustrated with our sex life. We started out our (4 month so far) relationship not doing anything sexual because I thought I was asexual. Then we eased into trying stuff out and I was enjoying it - I felt like a little girl, thinking about kissing him all the time! He would tell me he wanted me soooo badly when we fooled around at first.

Now he says it seems like fooling around is all I want to do when we get some alone time, and I feel dirty and wrong for being rejected for sexual things, when not long ago I wasn't interested in sex at all. And recently (on Spring Break we had a big thing about this) it seems that we jump into sex and he goes at it until he's tired out, and that's it. If I want to get off, I need to do it. We're done when he wants to be done (though we're working on this part with PIV sex). We fool around when he's in the mood. He doesn't apply himself to fingering me long enough for me to even get CLOSE to orgasm.

He hasn't once orgasmed since we've been together. He says it's because he doesn't come very often, and that while using condoms during sex he can't at all. But I still go at a hand job or whatever with hope that I can make him come! I don't stop short after a few minutes. I like making him feel nice. I just want to feel nice, too. :(

We've talked about this some, in that I can't get off without clitoral stimulation, and that he doesn't take enough time to manually stimulate me to get me anywhere. He says he just gets tired. Well I'm getting tired of not being able to get much pleasure out of our sexy-fun-time together! I feel VERY left out when he seems content with just about anything we do and I'm left feeling completely unsatisfied 90% of the time.

I really like this boy, but I'm frustrated that this is an ongoing thing. I know we haven't been going out long, but I don't feel like he's learning how to better please me! I feel like he's becoming less dedicated to making me feel nice as we go. What should I do? I'm sick with mono on top of this and stress at home/school, so having some enjoyable sexy time would be sooooo relaxing.

Comments

[melodic-lyrics.livejournal.com]

I think the best thing you could do is present the information to him in a non-conflict sort of way. Just explain your frustration, but don't accuse him of not caring or being a bad lover, and explain what you would like him to do more, or change. Ask him what you can do for him as well. Let him know you want to have a healthy and fun sex life.

But if he is feeling like all you want to do fool around, perhaps he doesn't feel motivated because he thinks you're using him?

Communication is going to be key to fix the situation. You two need to hear each other out.

[confused90.livejournal.com]

Maybe pair alone time with something else? I, too, find it difficult to just jump into things with my boyfriend, if we've just been with people or I've just got in or whatever. If he really wants it, he'll usually meet me outside college and take me for a walk if it's nice, or a coffee or something. Just do things to ease into alone time together, wait until you really want each other, tease him (in a good way).

[kuangning]

I'm never at my best in bed if I'm just giving in to what my partner's demanding either. I think you should probably have stopped when you were interrupted and he was no longer in the mood, just like he should stop if you're no longer in the mood. Boys don't actually have built-in perpetual sex machines any more than girls do. Try again in a place where you won't be interrupted and at a time when you're both wanting sex.

[incarnated-joy.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with this. Were it me in this situation and my Boy kept trying to get me to stimulate him when I'm not in the mood, one of us would be sleeping on the couch.

[livian-lj.livejournal.com]

This. He's telling you he's not interested and you're basically demanding, repeatedly, that he pleasure you anyway. If you think about the situation in reverse, it may give you some insight into why he's retreating from sexy time.

[darkserena.livejournal.com]

Well this is the first time this particular situation has happened. Usually he gets tired/isn't in the mood and I just deal with it. I had seen some advice here of "If both of you aren't in the mood for sex then maybe one of you can help the other masturbate" but apparently that doesn't work out of my situation...

[big-sarah-yeti.livejournal.com]

Agreed, it's simply not fair to ask someone to pleasure you when that's really not where their mind's at. He's made it quite clear that he feels under too much pressure. You need to just calmly communicate with him, and ask him what he would like to see change in the way both of you approach sex. I'm sure he's not enjoying the situation any more than you.

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

I agree. If the genders on this story were switched, so the guy was pressuring the girl to keep continuing despite her clear indications that she was NOT into it, we'd be calling the cops.

OP, you're not entitled to orgasms from your partner. Stop pressuring him. Instead, sit down some time when you both have your clothes on and talk to him about what you want and need sexually. Don't act like he has an obligation to do exactly what pleases you, because he doesn't. Instead, try to figure out if you two are really compatible sexually. Accept the possibility that you're not. And if you're not, break up before things get any worse.

[darkserena.livejournal.com]

While he said the mood was ruined, he was into getting back into the mood!

But that's not the point - are are right, and I know boys aren't perpetual sex machines. The constantly being told "We're done" when HE'S done is just getting to me. (And that is a phrase he's actually used a few times.)

Living on campus with several other people makes finding alone time that has no chance of being interrupted so hard!

[kuangning]

That does make it difficult, and I think that you two really do need to talk. "We're done" is by no means a clueful way to phrase anything.

[justxjess.livejournal.com]

some people are just not sexually compatible.

[kalieris.livejournal.com]

Maybe he's got performance or other issues of his own (or just a low drive) that made it more comfortable for him to date someone he thought wouldn't make sexual demands on him, and now that you're comfortable with him and with the idea of sex, he's panicking? BTW, it's not ok to shame you into asking for less sex. Not ok at all, particularly if it's his anxiety he's trying to deal with. (This is a huge pet peeve of mine, and has not boded well for the overall health of the relationship when I've encountered it. People who are not introspective and honest enough to take ownership of their stuff rather than blaming me for it rarely make good partners in general.)