in the realm of sexuality and talking dirty

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

So, my partner and i have been together for just over a year. In that span of time we've enjoyed a lot of really fantastic sex, and one of his favorite things about me is my sexuality and my openness...it's one of MY favorite things about me!

I have a super high libido and i enjoy masturbation often, i write erotica, i love to enjoy many facets of being sexual, but one thing I struggle with is talking dirty.

I know my partner is a hugely auditory driven person. He is musical and loves to talk when we are playing, about all the amazing things he'd like to do with me and others, and it's totally a turn-on for me to have him talk dirty to me

but as soon as he turns the focus to me, i completely flood with thoughts and then i shut down, especially in a high pressure situation - for example, tonight we were playing, and he's telling me what he'd like to see happen with a certain girlfriend i have who is interested in sharing us sometime. He is telling me how he'd like to see her do this and then he says 'what about you, what do you want to happen?'

and immediately thoughts start circling. stopping up in the drain. A lot of them are sexual and i just want to really say any old thing, but i just can't. Even if i did try to speak, it would probably come out jumbled and i'd trip over my words i'm sure.

It feels like a shot in the gut tonight that I can't do this. I desperately want to get past this anxiety.

I feel like, i can do this in some capacities. When I'm having a good night i can feel very vocal about how good he feels and how much i'd like to do X and what have you... I want to be able to elaborate on this. I am sure some of this comes from past relationship trauma, but I am having a hard time making a connection as to why this is so difficult...

ugh, i just need some guidance on this.

Comments

[allisondawn.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I'm so much the same way. It's so incredibly frustrating.

[ilovedavidbyrne.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem. All I can think of doing, is imagining questions in my own time in my head and coming up with responses, you know risk and judgment free-zone, and maybe write them down, just so you don't forget what it is you thought of. And not exactly saying those things, but just having something to draw on when your mind goes poof. you know?

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

so can i ask you how you -feel- in those situations? Like last night it completely took the wind out of my sails, which is DIFFICULT. That's not something that happens to me often, if EVER. I can have orgasm after orgasm after orgasm and not quite ever really feel 'spent'

but after this happened, i feel like i was a dude whose dick went flaccid in the middle of some REALLY HOT sex. I feel like he revealed my impotence.

I actually started writing the erotica as a way to cope. He wanted to hear about all my fantastically sexy thoughts, so i started writing them down. Hmh. Maybe what i need to do is just print them out and take them to bed with me, read him my thoughts. Atleast in that scenario i'd get to feel comfortable hearing myself say these things...

[uhleanuh.livejournal.com]

i usually have no problem with talking dirty when we're "in the moment" but in times where we're not already in the deep passionate parts of things i feel a little awkward but i noticed the other night that if i just take a deep breath and start talking to him i can sense that he is enjoying it and that makes it flow a lot easier.

i dont think this really helps you, but maybe if you just start talking to him and feel that he enjoys it it might help. also, the other night when i did talk dirty to him before we were even having sex we were laying in bed and i was kind of laying on his chest with my lips near his ear, almost whispering it to him, which helped because i wasnt looking him straight in the face. [i feel a little silly if im like talking dirty to him in a way id have a normal conversation hah]

[http://users.livejournal.com/bettymonroe_/]

I agree with the not looking him in the face. In fact, I totally learned to talk dirty through phone/cyber sex. (I'm in a LDR) It was a lot easier to transition from into a phone to into an ear, than face to face would've been.
I guess if you're in a proximal relationship, it might be harder to find a reason for phone sex... but if one arises maybe try it out?

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

he's told me he's not interested in phone sex or cybersex for that matter. I started really getting into writing erotica partially because of this, I know i have lots of things to say, i just can't always get them out.

[awriterswindow.livejournal.com]

You could always write down in an erotica story what you've been thinking and then show it to him.

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

it's funny because i have no problem talking sexually in conversation in a non-sexual context. Actually, even in sexual context sometimes - if he asks me specific questions about events, I can recall and report, but even in that scenario i find it difficult to elaborate and make it 'feel' sexy, which is what he's looking for.

I think it's especially flustering if we're talking about something that is purely fantasy - i find my head just goes off in a million different directions at once, and then i draw a complete blank.

[ladyminya.livejournal.com]

I think perhaps the 'easiest' thing to do is picture in your mind what you'd like to do to him and then describe it as you're picturing it.

It's not easy, but some things take practice. I'm sure he'll enjoy it just as much as you enjoy him doing the same to you. :)

Good luck!

[stormwindz.livejournal.com]

You remind me of me a lot. I decided to NOT get over it. I'm not the same person as my partner, and he has to accept that I am quieter and more submissive (and after six years together, he has). There are things I would want from him that he isn't comfortable with but same thing there. I don't fret about it as long as we can make each other happy in other ways; it's all cool.

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

i think this i something i'm really interested in working past, though. I feel like this is connected to some core belief about myself, and it's really spurring my want to change this.

However, my partner really will have to understand that this is something that I do on MY terms and i can't be cornered into it, because his approach is obviously not working.

[paperispatient.livejournal.com]

I love talking dirty, it's a huge turn-on when a partner does it. Unless I'm super turned on, though, I kind of ease into doing it. Like, I'll start with something like, "[whatever he's doing] feels so good" or "you make me so wet" and kind of make my way to more explicit talk. Maybe that would help? When you're feeling uncertain, starting out with something sexy but not terribly explicit and moving to more sexual stuff when you feel more comfortable?

[cuteapple.livejournal.com]

"Even if i did try to speak, it would probably come out jumbled and i'd trip over my words i'm sure."

I think this is your best place to start. I doubt your partner is looking for a Kennedy-esq speech, well thought out and fully formed. Just say what you feel even if it's passionate and crazy and undefined. Think of it as a free formed writing exercize, just say what's in your heart. He loves you because of your passion. There's nothing wrong with sounding jumbled; it's not speech class. And sometimes saying things out loud frees them up, like writing them down does, and you'll get closer to having the complete thoughts that you're striving for.

[fleurdiabolique.livejournal.com]

I agree with this.

Also, maybe you could try changing you think about speaking in a not-totally-coherent manner. I may be projecting my own stuff onto you, in which case ignore me ;) -- but for me a lot of the worry about not being able to speak coherently is that I sound really, really stupid. Another way to look at it, though, is that you can't speak coherently because he's driving you out of your mind, and what you're doing is so amazing that you don't have the brainpower left to string a coherent sentence together. If you look at it that way, everything coming out jumbled is a GOOD thing -- a sign he's doing something very right! ;)

[ihave-themoon.livejournal.com]

i like to hear the dirty talk, but when its my turn its like its too much concentration and i lose the sexy feeling. it sucks :(

[awriterswindow.livejournal.com]

Do what you're comfortable with and then maybe branch out and take it a little further, and then a little bit further. I think maybe if you ease into this, it might be easier for you to do.

[archangelbeth]

For me, my erotic brain and my language brain... are not on speaking terms. Either one of them is in the zone, or the other. They don't co-exist. Trying to get me to talk whilst in sexytimes? I can get sort-of turned on, but... not enough to want to do stuff.

Though I can write some hot smut that'll make me have to go take a shower afterward, with showerhead communing. It's... different than verbalizing.

I can enjoy sexystories... but I don't really like them during more than mild foreplay, too. Language centers just take up too much brain-CPU cycles, and the erotica centers page out.

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I don't have any guidance -- just sympathy and commiseration.

It's extremely difficult for me to talk about what I want during sex. I mean, if my partner is doing something I don't want, I have no problem speaking up about it -- but when it comes to a kind of narrative of what would turn me on or what I'd like to do... I just *can't* say it.

Before my current partner, it wasn't really an issue for me because this kind of talking wasn't really a part of my sex life. With my current partner, though, this is something that's important to him -- yes, because hearing a partner talk about turn-ons is probably a turn-on in itself, but also because it would be a way for him to know that we're doing types of things that make me happy. (It's one thing to say generally, "yes, I like sex with you" and another to be able to name a few specific, concrete actions/activities that you enjoy especially.)

For me, I feel almost... ashamed and childish when I can't articulate what activities I'd enjoy. And I think that comes from having been an extraordinarily shy child growing up. It was really difficult for me to say what I was thinking in any situation, and I went through a fair amount of anxiety-ridden and embarrassment-causing experiences in order to overcome that in a lot of areas of my life. I am a fairly well-spoken adult now in the more public areas of my life (and really, pretty much every area of my life is more public than my bedroom), and I guess I maybe have this idea that I should be able to be just as vocal always, even if that's not reflective of who I am naturally.

But yeah, when it feels like I've failed miserably at something as simple as talking, I feel inadequate. During foreplay and sex, this has the effect of making me want to curl up in a little ball and pretend like none of it ever happened.

One thing that's helped for me is to have my partner not ask these types of questions during sexually charged situations. I mean, I still never feel great about not having words, but it's a lot more manageable if we're somewhere neutral having a conversation about sex than it is if we're nekkid and touching and getting ready to (hopefully) have sex.

Another is, during sex-type situations, for my partner to ask "would you like..." questions that I can answer yes or no to. It's not the same, obviously, as me initiating a whole explanation -- but it's something I can do right now.

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

i like the suggestion of the setup of the yes or no questions - i'll have to ask him to do that.

What I ended up suggesting to him was that since i do like to write erotica, I told him instead of sharing it on my journal, or sending it to him via email, like i have been - i told him I would paper journal it, and then take it to bed with us, so i can read him my sexy thougts, and he really liked that idea.

and, last night i just relaxed and tried to vocalize what i was liking, how good he made me feel, and it was nice. there was no pressure, he wasn't asking questions, he just let me talk.

I'm glad I forced myself to talk, to keep on the task even after getting really REALLY frustrated with myself the night before.

[lt-danish.livejournal.com]

I have similar anxieties. Its not a very healthy solution, but a drink or two normally helps my mind relax and be more vocal. And then usually after a time or two like that I became much more comfortable be vocal around my partner.