vaginapagina | Phobia of the Gyno

Hello everyone. I've been reading this community for a while and have finally come up with the courage to post my question here. My apologies in advance if this topic isn't appropriate for this forum but I haven't really found another place where I can ask my questions and I haven't found where they've been addressed in other areas on the web (or at least not with very helpful answers).

I've never really talked about these issues so there is a good deal of therapeutic rambling entangled in the following post.

From the ages of 7 to 16 I was sexually abused by a relative. Because of this I am very uncomfortable with being touched and I am very uncomfortable with nudity. I have a very supportive partner that I've been with for several years and he has helped me overcome some of these fears and I'm slowly getting more comfortable having sex and being intimate with him, but I haven't made any progress with doctors.

I'm 21 now, have always experienced very heavy periods with debilitating cramps. 2 years ago I finally worked up the courage to go to the gynecologist and get an exam to get some answers about my condition. I talked with the doctor, and told her that I had a history of SA, that I was very scared and have a mild case of ptsd. She said that she would keep that in mind during my exam so I decided to allow her to do a pelvic. As the exam started I became very uncomfortable and began to cry. It was very painful and I started experiencing flashbacks. I asked her to stop and she told me that she was almost done and refused to stop. After the exam she told me that the reason it had hurt so much was that I had been too tense and that if I loosened up it would have been more pleasant.

I left the office feeling extremely violated and betrayed. I had nightmares about the visit for about a year after it happened. It took about the same amount of time to become comfortable being sexual with my partner.

At that point I made an appointment with another gyno because my periods continued to get worse. This dr. was very nice during our appointments and she didn't push me to have a pelvic exam. I had to have a laparascopy to treat and diagnose my condition. A week after the surgery I had to have a follow-up to make sure that I was recovering properly. When I went in to my appointment the nurse told me that I had to undress. I had a brief panic attack, but decided to try to do it anyway since I felt I could trust this doctor. When the doctor came into the exam room she told me that she didn't have to do a pelvic and I was relieved. I asked her if I could get dressed and she I could when she was done. I understand that she's in a hurry, but she knew how uncomfortable I was with being undressed and she wouldn't leave for 30 seconds so I could get dressed. I was so uncomfortable that I was shaking the whole time she was explaining the surgery results to me that I don't even remember anything she told me. I went home and cried about it for the rest of the day and now have an extreme fear of going to the doctor.

Now I really need to go back to the doctor, my condition is starting to go downhill again because I haven't been treating it because I'm too scared to go to the doctor. I'm getting the feeling that doctors don't really understand how difficult these exams can be for people with a history of sexual abuse. I've tried to explain my situation. I try to cooperate, but it is difficult for me and it will take me some time to get comfortable with the situation. I just feel that if I were to find a medical professional who is more supportive I would be able to make more progress. I understand that I'm not the physician's only patient and they do not have a lot of free time to cater to one individual, i just feel that if I were to have a little more support and if I could find a doctor that would stop an exam if I got too uncomfortable or let me get dressed (or stay dressed) in situations when it's not necessary that I'm not undressed then I could be more comfortable with the situation. When the doctor didn't stop the exam I had a lot of the same feelings and emotions I had after I was raped. I'm sure she didn't intend for that to happen but that's the way it came across to me.

Have any of you experienced these issues? How do you talk to a doctor about them? Is this an unreasonable thing to ask of a doctor? After these experiences I'm completely paranoid about going back for an appointment but I am concerned about my health and I want to take care of myself. In addition to my worry about losing all control during the exam and having my requests ignored I'm worried that it will have a devastating impact on my relationship with my partner (because after both of these visits it took a long time to feel comfortable being with him again). If you had a fear of the gyno how did you deal with it?

thanks for the help and advice, I'm sorry this post was so long.