Sex and Neighbors

[oublei.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend and I have been living at our current apartment since October. We have gotten very loud during those four months with no complaints from neighbors. The occasional loud sex is the only annoying thing we do; we are otherwise extremely quiet and respectful.

No complaints until last week where our neighbor underneath us began slamming on his ceiling at us while we were having sex. We weren't being vocal and the worst of the noise was a squeak from the bed when we switched positions. I assumed he had a bad day and wrote it off until it happened every time we had sex that week.

I figured it was maybe a squeaky board or something and we changed around rooms. Now that we are in the other bedroom, they have begun slamming on their ceiling even harder and screaming obscenities so loud we can hear them. The weird part is that the latter happened two minutes after we were done!

Honestly, I care more about the guy's ceiling than I do about him (he plays his stereo so loud it rattles our apartment, so he really has nothing to complain about). My boyfriend and I can't hear any noise we are making. What precautions can we take?

Comments

[goddessdeath.livejournal.com]

None, unless you're going to do it on padded carpeting. The guy is probably pissed because he's not getting any. You guys are being considerate. The only other suggestion is to go down and talk to him about it. He MUST be following the sound to whatever room is below where you're having sex because c'mon...that's ridiculous what he's doing. My boyfriend's former upstairs neighbors in his apartment used to have extremely loud sex, and we just thought it was funny. I mean, they did it A LOT, but so? He can move to another room and turn the TV on if it's THAT loud, you know?

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm glad that you think that there's not much else we can do, because that's where I am at.

I feel bad because he is disabled (on crutches--maybe that's what he is hitting the ceiling with), but I guess I shouldn't.

The apartment managers will just laugh at him if he tries complaining! Ha. :]

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

I'm severely disabled. It's no excuse for harassing neighbours. I'll take it as a kindness if people in this post could refrain from making assumptions of any sort about people with disabilities, by the way, such as the assumption below that someone on crutches is going to be on medication that will make them irritable.

Since your landlord sounds useless, is there a local council or similar you can complain to? In the UK, you could involve the council or the police for noise issues, and I believe the council also organise a neighbour conciliation service. He's being unreasonable in that he's playing very loud music and harassing you by banging on the ceiling when you're not being that loud, plus he sounds creepy, so I wouldn't go and talk to him if it were me. You could try banging on the floor when he puts his music on, and/or putting your own music on when you have sex, but I suspect that's more likely to escalate matters. This sounds sexist, but a man might have a better idea of whether that would work, as a woman I always find it harder to second-guess men when it's a question of dominance games of this sort, we get different social conditioning.

I've had flats where the neighbours had noisy sex, and I've had flats where the neighbours played their music too loud. Give me the first any day. There's a guy upstairs who likes taking out his guitar and singing soulfully while doing some basic strumming. It's not that loud, but it drives me round the bend and can be heard in both rooms of the flat. There's also a saxophonist in this block, but she or he is fairly good and has good taste in music, so I don't mind that, even when it's warm-up exercises being played. We're still trying to work out if it's the same guy with drastically different levels of skill for each instrument!

[kardoth.livejournal.com]

Do you have wooden or tile floors? Maybe put folded washcloths underneath the feet of the bed.

I know my husband and I use to put a pillow between the headboard and the wall to keep it from thumping when we stayed at his parents house.

[oublei.livejournal.com]

No, we don't.

We accidentally knocked the headboard into the wall a couple of times and stopped to fix it. Half an hour later we finish, a minute after that, the guy starts thumping on his ceiling. WTF?

[ghoti-e.livejournal.com]

Maybe he likes listening and is angry that you've stopped :p

I don't have any practical advice for you, but that thought occurred to me when you stated that he seems to wait until you're done to make a fuss.

[archangelbeth]

If it's considered "safe" at all, you might ask him what he's hearing when he randomly thumps on his ceiling/your floor in the evenings.

If he's not safe to talk to, though... Hrm. Shift to another room again? Turn on some music? Complain to the landlord that the people below you are harassing you?

Luck!

[oublei.livejournal.com]

I am pretty unwilling to move heavy furniture around again because of him at this point. :\

I'll try the music. Then we won't hear him maybe! Haha.

I never thought I could complain to the landlord about this. Maybe if he keeps it up. :\

[crimson83.livejournal.com]

Tell him to keep his stereo up, since you say he does it anyway? If he's not totally crazy, I go with talking to him about it.

[oublei.livejournal.com]

He is weird and I am rather intimidated after all of his thumping and screaming. :\

[funwithrage.livejournal.com]

Assuming you're not having sex really loudly at 2 AM, I'd talk to the landlord. A bit embarrassing, granted--but just say that you try to keep it down, that you don't believe your nightly activities are any louder than normal, and that the downstairs neighbors are being unreasonable.

Otherwise? Turn the music up and let the downstairs prudes fuck themselves with a chainsaw. Sideways.

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Rather quietly at 11PM. :]

Our managers make a point to never, EVER enforce anything unless people aren't paying rent. Our next-door neighbors are dealing a TON of pot. One day I saw them running plant after plant out of the apartment into a car and the manager just walked by giggling...

I guess I will have to get some speakers in there! :] Thanks!

[kalieris.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, I go to bed at 9, so being woken up at 11 would piss me off. Plus, as other people pointed out, your "quietly" and his "OMGLOUD" might be exactly the same thing. You'll never know, because he's chosen to express his frustration in a totally assholish and somewhat scary way. I wouldn't be inclined to go talk to him about it either.

On the other hand, my then-bf's roommate got on his case one day because, while we were dating, I would get rather expressive on occasion. His reason for mentioning it WASN'T the noise, but because his girlfriend had smacked him on the arm one night and said "how come you never make ME scream like that?!" My then-bf was extremely smug for a couple of days, particularly since we were about 10 years older than them. *smirk*

[photogirl.livejournal.com]

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness! I'm glad I'm not in that situation!

Though, my neighbor did just start playing his stereo. I must admit that I am tempted to start stomping around.

[seirra81.livejournal.com]

I have the same problem. I can hear my upstairs neighbor flip on the light switch on the wall in one of the bedrooms.

[metalkprtty1day.livejournal.com]

I used to have that problem...I heard every word the two girls who lived next door ever said! Heard them flip light switches, knew exactly what they were watching on tv.....I wanted to tear my hair out after about 2 months.... :P

[hgbluesparkles.livejournal.com]

Ugh yes, I have the same exact problem. I hear EVERYTHING my upstairs neighbors do and I assume it's the same the other way around so I'm always insisting that my SO remain next to silent when we have sex (He's waaayyy noisier than me).

[meximanian.livejournal.com]

well if he complains, I'm pretty sure that legally the landlord's dont have much recourse. You can't be considered a nuisance to him because your actions are pretty normal and something a person living in an apt (small or otherwise) might have to deal with...I think it would be similar to a baby crying. But in this case you can help it, and you have tried moving. I wouldn't bother contacting him since he's seems creepy. Plus talking to him can lead to a he said-she said situation. I would just write a letter to your LL (make a copy) and tell them that you're doing normal activities and that he's randomly banging on your ceiling, etc. If you want him to stop, then you're well within your right to ask that the LL tell him to stop. I think this is a safe measure, and I read SO many situations at LawQuestions where the tenants are screwed over the the LL that whatever you do, do it via the LL and DOCUMENT it.

GL!

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Okay! Thanks for the great advice!! :D

[patsrockmybosox.livejournal.com]

I know you said you don't feel comfortable talking to him, but maybe you can leave him a note or something? Just asking why he's banging on his ceiling/what he's hearing. It could be that the noise he's hearing isn't even coming from your apartment.. could be he's hearing the people downstairs but thinks it's upstairs. My boyfriend lives on the top floor of his apartment building and sometimes it sounds like the downstairs people are walking on the ceiling, and if people are on the roof we can sometimes hear that, too.

Either that or just ignore him. You've done more than enough to be considerate.

[oublei.livejournal.com]

Great idea! I'll think about it! Thanks :]

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

I agree about the note--that was what I was going to suggest, sounds easier than a face-to-face confrontation. But many others have suggested going to the landlord, and that sounds like it might actually be better.

I dunno... whenever I overhear neighbors having sex, my reaction is "Hahaha that's AWESOME!" so it's hard for me to understand where people are coming from when they get angry at sex noises, especially if they're mild, quiet, normal noises, no banging or screaming.

But yeah, that must suck for the OP, to be trying to enjoy the afterglow and then be startled by a sudden angry banging from below :(

[darness.livejournal.com]

From the perspective of a quiet apartment dweller who hates hearing loud noises of any sort coming from her neighbors:

Maybe he's been sucking it up for the past four months and is tired of it. You said you've gotten very loud, maybe his slamming is a way to get back or ask you to quiet down in a passive-aggressive way. I'm not saying you're right or he's right, I'm just giving you the perspective of someone who's been on the other side of this.

And in the midst of sex, you often aren't aware of how much can actually be heard by other folks. What might not be apparent to you in the midst of hormones flowing might come across as loud to those next door or downstairs :)

That said, his method definitely leaves something to be desired. If he has a noise complaint there's a proper way to register it. No advice other than the general precautions that have already been mentioned - pillow between the headboard and wall, that sort of thing. Best of luck to you :)

[goth-kittykat.livejournal.com]

man i feel ya! i'm really loud when i get a good feeling and it's hard for me to keep excited when i have to be quiet. good luck. :) when it's just myself i tend to put a pillow over my face to cover the noise, when it's my partner and i he does it but idk if it'd squeak you out but it doesn't bother me.

[ends-and-means.livejournal.com]

haha, my boyfriend and i got a (polite) note from our neighbor a few months ago (months and months after i had already been living here and sexing it up, FYI), complaining about "late night activities" -- my apartment building is from the '20s, and the beds are built in, so their bed is directly below mine. honestly, the only solution i could think of is having sex earlier in the day, or super late at night when the person would already be asleep. i couldn't think of any other precautions to take, either... i'm not giving up my 4-5 times of sex a week!

[ebolajez.livejournal.com]

That's quite a generalisation! He might not be on any medications at all, you really have no way of knowing.

[withevrylite.livejournal.com]

I don't really have any advice, I just want to say that you're pretty awesome for actually caring that you're disturbing him (even though it sounds like he kinda deserves it). I've had so many loud rude neighbors that didn't even care. This couple above my girlfriend used to have LOUD sex at like 5am for hours and it was sooooo annoying. They moved out though. I always try to be respectful of neighbors too. Maybe you could go and ask him what the problem is and let him know you are trying to fix it and that his stereo also bothers you.

[rearrangedfaith.livejournal.com]

ha.

when i first moved in with my boyfriend, we had super loud awesome sex, all the freakin time. it never occured to me that i may be disrupting our neighbors.
then birthcontrol ruined my vagina and i actually did think about 'omg, what do our neighbors think about us!?'

luckily, we live in a pretty-elderly-dominant complex (or, at the time of crazy sex it was mostly elderly)

the people above us are only here for 3ish months, the lady on the left is older and might be semi-deaf, because i can hear her SCREAMING on the telephone in a normal conversation just about every day.. the people on the right are young so probably expect it, and they've got their noise problems (ugh, techno)..

but the people below us..
the lady is nice but her son is creepy as hell and i really hope he doesn't hear us.

[heysmilepretty.livejournal.com]

If you talk to him directly about it, and spare him no detail, he'll probably be so damn embarassed that he won't even think about doing it again, lol.

[thought-ribbons.livejournal.com]

I'm kinda having the oposit problem right now... I live in the basment apartment and the people above me ARE SO NOISY!! I NEVER heard my old neighbor and the new ones are like URGH!!!! and at 3 Am 6am! 8am! I'm a night owl, but 3am banging and the TV so loud.

So then I pay them back by REALLY LOUD sex at like 7pm and i KNOW they can clearly hear it...

Ok we're bad... but Maybe you should talk to him though. I know i'd like my neighbors just to come down and say "i'm sorry were loud is there anything we can do to make it less noisy?" then I wouldn;t be so mad at them... just an idea :)!

[divamelisande.livejournal.com]

My husband and I aren't exactly quiet, nor do we scream the house down just because we can... We're in a free-standing house, but it's an old house with thin walls and our neighbours are in a similar sort of thing. We've never had any complaints (in fact the neighbours often compliment us on our music practice- apparently they sometimes turn off their TV and listen to us sing and play.. LOL!) but as I can hear their FOOTSTEPS from our bedroom at night, I often wonder what they think... haha!

But seriously, if this guy has real issues, he should talk to you about it. Clearly he's not going to, so I second the idea of gently approaching the subject with him.