What you wish they would have taught us in sex ed...

[jenninhtown.livejournal.com]

This is more of a post for fun (and dreaming of a better world where sex is not some rocky road most of stumble blindly along for years before finding our way)

As a woman, what do you wish you had been told during sex education? What little bit of knowledge could have made your sexual life so much easier?

Try posting it as a little factoid, like you'd read in a text book :) Discussions around sex ed totally welcome too! If I ever have a child, you can be sure that sexuality will be something they won't be clueless about!

For me:

"80% of women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone"

Comments

[shellazure.livejournal.com]

I had sex-ed through my church, and through my school that was in a small town full of many more churches than would fit the population, so:

Something along the lines of "Sex does not suddenly become a wonderful thing simply because you get married, and sex is not an evil, dirty, damning thing simply because you're not married."
And
"It's not just a woman's duty to keep from getting pregnant or caring for a child if she does"
And
"Taking birth control for any reason does not make you a slut."

Twisted little towns. Twisted Bible Belt.

[shellazure.livejournal.com]

Also, "Your body is not something to be ashamed of and not to blame for a man's 'loss of control'."

[fruchtzwergchen.livejournal.com]

We had separate "bodies changing" talks in 4th & 5th grade... boys in one room, girls in the other... which was just weird and a way for the big corporations to hand out pads and leave us feeling gross... and then we had a generic co-ed "health" class in high school. I really wish they'd had non-co-ed health classes b/c it's sort of weird for jr/sr girls to be in the same class as the worlds most immature (freshman b/c it was an open gen-ed class) guys, especially when it came time to talk about reproduction - not sex - reproduction. They really hammered home STDs and all the negatives (but *useful* everyday things, like yeast infections, etc.)... but not so much how to prevent them (yay for abstinence only). It was taught by one of the football coaches who was *really* not comfortable talking about any of it.

It wasn't until college when the women's group organized someone from PP to come talk to us about all the other options out there, she was far more open and interesting to listen to and she was clearly comfortable giving the talk. She had a very cool cross section of the vagina/uterus and showed how cups/tampons fit in, and female condoms, etc. Very fun, very informative. It was a mixed group and someone had put out an anonymous questions box the week before so it wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as high-school "health."

[fruchtzwergchen.livejournal.com]

*but NOT how to handle everyday things, like yeast infections, etc.

[talks-to-walls.livejournal.com]

My high school was very thorough about sex ed, but they did promote abstinence.

They probably should've said that every person is different when it comes to sex: positions, fantasies, role playing, s&m, toys, etc. When I was 18, and went to the sex shop for the first time I had a crude awakening.

[jenninhtown.livejournal.com]

Just curious, did you go to a private school? I know the public schools around here only teach reproductive health and never get into sexuality. I don't even recall them ever mentioning that women orgasm! Basically if it wasn't directly tied to how babies are made or the laundry list of STDs you get by having sex, it was not mentioned.

Would be nice to know that some place somewhere gets into sexuality...

[laurapalmer813.livejournal.com]

"Always pee right after sex, because if you don't guys, it'll get all clogged up; and ladies, you'll wind up with a urinary tract infection from hell and have to get someone to drive you to the hospital because you're peeing blood and you're pretty sure its curtains for you!"

I'm sure there are lots of other things I wish I'd known. But that one sticks out in my mind...

[neopeipei.livejournal.com]

definitely this one.

[lileprechaun.livejournal.com]

I really wish they had been able to show us real pictures of various healthy vuvlas and penises (particularly those that have longer/larger labia minora and men who are uncircumcised). I think since nudity is generally automatically equated with sex in this culture and for the most part we're not exposed to it on a regular basis, this would be a way to help alleviate the "am I normal" questions. And who knows, maybe it would foster some more body positive attitudes.

I also wish they talked about the alternatives to tampons and pads. And it would be nice if there was more emphasis placed on the variations of normal healthy vaginal discharge along with tracking your cycle with fertility awareness and how much you can learn about your body by using it (I don't see that happening though since there is so much misinformation and distrust of FAM out there). I've held the belief for a long time now that the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility should be required reading for teenage girls.

[laurapalmer813.livejournal.com]

I agree! I had never seen an uncircumcised penis until we watched a video in my Lamaze class. I was shocked! It looked like an anteater! It would have been nice to be better prepared by having seen them before. After 3 1/2 years with my son, I'm finally getting used to the way it looks! :)

The discharge thing too would have been nice!

[ends-and-means.livejournal.com]

that i had a clit -- and i wasn't a freak for getting pleasure out of that and not my vagina. i thought there was something wrong with me for years.

girls can touch themselves, too.

pee after sex.

[jenninhtown.livejournal.com]

"girls can touch themselves, too."

that would have been a big one for me too. I thought I was a freak until my early 20's...

[ends-and-means.livejournal.com]

i didn't even have sex ed in high school. just in 5th/6th grade. i knew nothing!

[simasue.livejournal.com]

The difference between circumcised and uncircumcised penises (because I still don't know how they differ in appearance!).

That men don't always have an orgasm during sex and how it's not a bad thing (like society leads us to believe).

Erogenous zones other than the obvious ones!

[herloved-beauty.livejournal.com]

here.
NSFW for obvious reasons.

uncircumcised (http://medicalimages.allrefer.com/large/circumcised-vs-uncircumcised.jpg)

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

Inside-out knowledge of the menstrual cycle. I never cease to be shocked at how few women know how it works; look at all the people in VP who firmly believe that taking a pregnancy test can induce a late period, for instance.

Inside-out knowledge of contraception. It is much, much more complicated than they lead us to believe at school. One problem is that the most popular methods are the pill and condoms, which both have very different typical vs. perfect success rates, and it's not as if we're all rigorously trained in how to use them correctly. Learning to put a condom on a banana does not teach you how to face up to condom (or rather anti-condom) bullying, or what to do when condoms keep going wrong. Long-term reversible methods should be promoted, they're vastly underused and have been called one of the best solutions to high teenage pregnancy rates.

Sex education that deals with desire, not just basic sex, and which deals fully with queer issues, both the sex and the other sides of things.

Advice on dealing with peer or partner pressure to have sex too early or at other times when it's unwanted.

Safer sex education that went further than "you should use a condom, kids". This includes for same-sex practices: there are lots of lesbians who show up at the STI clinics from sharing sex toys, for example.

[swiggett.livejournal.com]

about the inside-out knowledge of the menstrual cycle... I'm still confused... does "day 1" of my actually bleeding = "day 1" of the entire cycle? or is it another day... Without that little fact, I'm a bit confused as to when the fertile period actually is... It is possible, thought, that I just missed it, or talked around it too much and simply confused myself.

[cbackson.livejournal.com]

How the birth control pill actually works. When I think about how many posts to VP spring from lack of understanding of how the pill works, it just makes me sad. I know that I was using the pill long before I understood that no, I wasn't ovulating if I was taking it.

And frankly, my sex ed was pretty great, but I would have appreciated sex-positive discussions of how to choose abstinence. What I'm trying to say is that we were taught how to use the pill and condoms, but there was a strong suggestion that if you had sex you would definitely get pregnant, which would "ruin your life" (either because you'd be the object of scorn and not finish high school or because you'd have an abortion and be horribly traumatized for life), or you'd get an STD that would be incurable and (once again) "ruin your life." Simultaneously, I and many of my friends dealt with serious pressure from SOs to have sex, with the suggestion that not having sex meant you were frigid, no fun, or a religious nut. I would have appreciated being told that *because* sexuality is awesome and important, I had the right to make decisions and set boundaries about what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.

[preciouslilme.livejournal.com]

I wish they'd told us that too. I went to the doctor with a friend to go on the pill and he sat us down and explained it all to us (with diagrams!). Yay for awesome doctors.

[loonylupinlover.livejournal.com]

"The clitoris is there."

Didn't find mine or know what it was until 18. Hence some very confused masturbation in middle school inserting things into various unlubed orifices. -_- Ow, much?

Things that I found out in plenty of time to have safe pleasurable sex, but which still would have been helpful:

"Hormonal birth control does x, y, z. Condoms are not the only thing ever you can use."

"Oral sex is healthy and vaginal/seminal fluids are perfectly safe to swallow."

"Pee after sex."

"Sex is a fun, healthy part of life and you don't need to be ashamed of it."

[pocochina.livejournal.com]

Um. That having sex is not actually "a death sentence" (quoth my mother). I wish they'd have shown us actual condoms and not drawings of them, and I wish they'd have taught the full classes real information about female reproductive health in particular.

Mostly, though, I wish there had been a total crackdown on the immaturity. I'm okay with questions and not knowing - that's why you need the sex ed - but I remember being so ashamed to be in that class, because of the crass jokes and bullying and adolescent idiocy. I didn't learn anything not just because the curriculum sucked, which it did, but because it was such a horrible environment (a windowless basement with the wrestling coach, I swear to God, how cliche?) I had to zone out just to get through it.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

I would like to see more queer-friendly sex ed in general.

Other than that:

That one can get STD's from oral sex, although it is less likely than from vaginal or anal intercourse.

Pee after sex.

Basic info on what a yeast infection and UTI are, how to avoid them and what preventative health measures to take.

Exactly how birth control pills work in the body, and how to take them under the guidelines of "perfect use."

How the emergency contraception pill works (for starters, as contraception, not as an early abortion).

Alternatives to contraception beyond the pill and condoms.

Alternatives to menstrual products beyond pads and tampons.

Pictures--possibly in handouts or pamphlets so that students could look at them on their own time, rather than showing them on a huge overhead projector and making everyone uncomfortable--of a wide variety of normal, healthy, vulvas and penises. Ideally this would include, for vulvas, intact, perforate, and broken humens; variation in length and size of the labia; and different "non-porn-star" vuvlvas. For the penises, it would include circumcised v. uncircumcised, as well as normal length and size variation.

Basic information about what an "average" sized penis is, to prevent misinformation along the lines of "I/my boyfriend is only average, about 7 or 8 inches." Emphasis on the benefits, sometimes, of having a smaller penis, and the potential drawbacks of having a larger one.

That sex toys, when purchased from reputable sources and used in safe ways, are totally healthy and normal, and extremely beneficial to a healthy sex life, either in or out of a relationship.

Comparisons of different types of lubes (water-based, oil, silicone).

Full disclosure on the clitoris--not only that it exists and that it is integral to female pleasure and orgasmic response, but that often clitoral tissue runs far deeper into the body than simply the "man in the boat," contributing to the pleasure of vaginal and/or anal stimulation for some women.

The orgasmic potential of men's prostates and women's g-spots.

That it's ok to not know which gender your attracted to--or to wonder if you're attracted to both.

That it's also ok to never show any interest in this type of thing at all, and to turn out asexual.

That honesty and communication are always, always, always the most important parts of a relationship, sexual or otherwise.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Wow, that turned out really long. Sorry.

[funwithrage.livejournal.com]

That sex isn't a big deal.

Seriously. Society makes it one, you can make it one, but it's not, inherently. Oh, you should definitely be prepared to deal with/prevent physical consequences, but if you're with someone you like and trust, do what feels good, and never mind this True Love bullshit.

That masturbation and porn are normal, healthy means of relief, and that nobody should be ashamed of using them.

Seriously, my actual sex ed wasn't horrible--but then, I read early, was on the Internet early (I knew what a safeword was before I really kissed a boy, and I wasn't particularly slow in that area), and pretty much knew all this stuff beforehand.

[emily-arete.livejournal.com]

...not all of us agree with you on the porn issue.

[lotus82.livejournal.com]

In 8th or 9th grade our biology teacher gave us a birth control test. She prepared a table in which many birth control options were listed, the proper way to use it, advantages and disadvantages, and effectiveness. She brought a pack of pills and a condom, too, to show us. It was an incredible contribution to everybody's knowledge - and quite on time, too, because people were starting to become sexually active and I believe you should learn all about BC before even considering having sex.
Now, that was totally her initiative to do that class; I wish it was something more systematic, a must-have class for everybody.

[sonarafaey.livejournal.com]

Pretty much everything. In 9th grade health we watched a birth video and were told that if we had sex without a condom we would get AIDS. There was a junior level class that had a more extensive section on sex, but my parents got me excused from the class because they thought that I would be better off taking an extra English or science class. My parents said that sex should be taught at home, but I sure as hell never got any info from them. I pretty much learned about STI's, menstruation, and contraception and pregnancy from reading my older sister's Seventeen magazines, and from the internet.

[laurapalmer813.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I thought of some other things. For one thing, my teacher spent waaaaay too much time showing us how to insert a diaphram. While touching upon the diaphram wasn't a bad idea, it would have been nice to have more time devoted to the sorts of things most high school students actually used, i.e. pills and condoms. I think she just showed us a package of pills, but never about how they actually work.

My mother tried to tell me things about sex. She told me it was not only ok, but completely normal for women to masturbate. But do you really think I wanted to hear that from her?? Those were mental images I never quite got over! I would rather have heard that in sex ed, because then we could have all snickered and moved on. Which is why I think sex ed (good sex ed, not that abstinence or nothing crap) in school is extremely important. I know I, for one, did NOT want to hear word ONE about sex from my mother!

[girlnameddoor.livejournal.com]

That the first time you have sex, it's different for everybody! For some women, PIV sex will be absolutely painless, for some it'll hurt a little, and for some that pain isn't a sign that they should just power through, but that their body is trying to tell them something important.

That they had taught us how to safely get sexual health services and resources in the community without needing parental permission.

And I just reallllly wish that we could discuss our societal feelings about sex in these classes, too. Discussing things like why we shouldn't say "clean" when we mean STI free, or that it's wrong to disparage others for the choices they make with their bodies.

[metalkprtty1day.livejournal.com]

That's a really good point. I myself was guilty of using the word "clean" before I found this community. It honestly never occured to me that that kind of wording could be really offensive and hurtful to someone who had been diagnosed with an STI. Now, when I hear people say "clean", I literally cringe. I know that people don't generally mean for it to be offensive, but now that I've thought about what it implies......I really think it should be talked about for often.

[slowmotioncrash.livejournal.com]

That a period doesn't necessarily LOOK like one when you first get it. I got mine when I was 12 and had no clue what that brownish stuff was--it was actually really embarassing to learn later that it was my period. I thought I was dying of a yeast infection, even though I didn't know what that was....it just sounded scary, and trust me, I was scared.

[skullfuckery.livejournal.com]

My sex ed was pretty good. We had a "sex ed day" where we walked around to different classes to learn about tampons in one, stds in another, contraception in another etc etc. The contraception one was particularly fun, our teacher was fairly elderly and very matter-of-fact. She had a pile of plastic penises on the floor and said "We're going to learn about condoms. Everybody grab a penis!" I still crack up when I think about it...

I wish they had taught us more about sexuality as well as sex.

[my-neighborhood.livejournal.com]

I'm proud to say my sex ed programs were excellent. In grade 5-8 we learned all about puberty and the reproductive system, and the basics of sex. In grade 9 we spent a unit on actual sex education, where we had a whole chart of different methods of controception, their % effectiveness, how it works etc. Lots of good discussion and questions led by my gym teacher who was great about being open and honest. We also had demos on how to use a condom and even how to apply spermicide, which exploded and was hilarious.

The part I am truly proud of though is my school's effort and accompishment of creating a massive world AIDS day conference. It was a normal school day, so everyone had to go, and the entire day was spend doing different workshops where we got TONS of real info about sex and STI's (I attended a workshop with a gay man who had AIDS who I adored for his frankness), and they were handing out condoms all over the school. It ended with a speech from Stephen Lewis :)

[my-neighborhood.livejournal.com]

Forgot to mention how it intergrated with our science classes. We had a unit in science, not health, which I found to be much more helpful since they taught us the actual facts. It's great to talk about the emotional aspects and whatnot, but being educated on the actual science of the menstrual cycle and conception can't be beat.

[vincentius49.livejournal.com]

I didn't know how long periods actually went for XD I assumed from the old videos we watched in yr 6/7 that.... it was just one rush of blood and then over XD So after 3 days I was terrified I was bleeding to death. So yeah, guess they couldve been clearer about that ^^
and also, to pee after sex. I don't think we were told ANYTHING about UTI's.

[straight-outta.livejournal.com]

More about actual sex, about love, about being with somebody, about important things. I still think it's absolutely vital for people to know risks that come with sexual behavior, but when it's all you hear for Sex Ed., about condoms and birth control and how they can fail and diseases, you begin to wonder why anyone would have sex in the first place.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

I'd love for people to be told that the vagina isn't a big, gaping chasm that stays the same shape and size all the time. I'm sure this would let to a lot less panicking along the lines of "OMG I can't even get a finger in!" or "My boyfriend gets two inches in and has to stop, is this my hymen or do I have a tumour?".

[snowmentality.livejournal.com]

"Sex will not automatically ruin a relationship." (I was told exactly the opposite, in about that many words.)

"Sex is supposed to be fun, loving, and satisfying for both people involved."

"Both you and your partner have the right to call a halt at any point, and expect the other to cooperate." Was never a problem in practice, but fear of "going too far" and losing control of the situation kept me terribly afraid of sex for a long time. This was likely because it was sold to me, in Catholic sex education, that French kissing makes a guy unable to control himself and makes it impossible to call a halt. Thanks, Catholicism! (I don't mean to bash Catholicism as a whole, not at all. But there's a lot of misinformation and guilt surrounding sex.)