I've never liked the concept of "holding out", it implies that the over-eager male partner (because this always seems to be an opposite-sex scenario) is pressurising the unwilling female partner, and none of that should be happening. If you feel rushed or unsure, wait until you are sure, there's no harm in playing safe. My own rules:
1) Good relationship where we're both comfortable and happy with each other, and feel ready for the level of sexual contact we're approaching. This doesn't necessarily take long to establish. 2) Some idea of each other's sexual history before climbing into bed, and nothing risky (which can include oral sex, for instance, and certainly includes penetration) until we know each other's sexual history. An STI test if need be. 3) Nothing anywhere near penetration until I'm on a reliable form of contraception. Condoms are excellent things and should be used more widely, but their success rate in preventing conception in typical use (don't quote the lab stats at me, condoms fail a lot of people and if it's a new relationship you don't know how things are going to fit together, so to speak) is 85%, far too low for contraceptive cover. However, they should certainly be used with new partners, and it doesn't hurt to keep using them since a hell of a lot of people cheat without their partner knowing.
In my case, I met my other half in April last year, on a Monday. Talked for hours in his bookshop. I wandered into his shop again on the Wednesday, we talked for an hour until closing time, went for coffee, went for dinner (by which point it was so late most restaurants were shut). On Friday we went to a book fair, talked all afternoon, ate falafel in the park, kissed all evening, and I do not know how I kept my hands off him when he spent the night. On Saturday we had non-penetrative sex, by which point we knew each other's sexual histories. (Still plenty of talking, at one point he stopped kissing me to ask, "Have you read Proust?") On Monday I rang the Family Planning Clinic (and we discussed our sexual histories in rather more detail, deciding that testing wasn't necessary), on Tuesday I had a consultation and requested an IUD, and on Friday I queuejumped and got the IUD inserted. After this we started having penetrative sex. It was unprecedently quick for both of us - thank heavens I'm in the UK not the US, I doubt any doctor there would insert an IUD ten days after I'd met the guy - but it felt absolutely right, right from the start. We're still very close and very happy. With my previous partner, I'd known her for a year or so and we'd been close friends and flirting for months, but even when we got together we didn't progress to sex for several weeks.
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Date: 2007-01-19 03:40 pm (UTC)1) Good relationship where we're both comfortable and happy with each other, and feel ready for the level of sexual contact we're approaching. This doesn't necessarily take long to establish.
2) Some idea of each other's sexual history before climbing into bed, and nothing risky (which can include oral sex, for instance, and certainly includes penetration) until we know each other's sexual history. An STI test if need be.
3) Nothing anywhere near penetration until I'm on a reliable form of contraception. Condoms are excellent things and should be used more widely, but their success rate in preventing conception in typical use (don't quote the lab stats at me, condoms fail a lot of people and if it's a new relationship you don't know how things are going to fit together, so to speak) is 85%, far too low for contraceptive cover. However, they should certainly be used with new partners, and it doesn't hurt to keep using them since a hell of a lot of people cheat without their partner knowing.
In my case, I met my other half in April last year, on a Monday. Talked for hours in his bookshop. I wandered into his shop again on the Wednesday, we talked for an hour until closing time, went for coffee, went for dinner (by which point it was so late most restaurants were shut). On Friday we went to a book fair, talked all afternoon, ate falafel in the park, kissed all evening, and I do not know how I kept my hands off him when he spent the night. On Saturday we had non-penetrative sex, by which point we knew each other's sexual histories. (Still plenty of talking, at one point he stopped kissing me to ask, "Have you read Proust?") On Monday I rang the Family Planning Clinic (and we discussed our sexual histories in rather more detail, deciding that testing wasn't necessary), on Tuesday I had a consultation and requested an IUD, and on Friday I queuejumped and got the IUD inserted. After this we started having penetrative sex. It was unprecedently quick for both of us - thank heavens I'm in the UK not the US, I doubt any doctor there would insert an IUD ten days after I'd met the guy - but it felt absolutely right, right from the start. We're still very close and very happy. With my previous partner, I'd known her for a year or so and we'd been close friends and flirting for months, but even when we got together we didn't progress to sex for several weeks.