Reminders: Empowerment

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Howdy, fellow Vulva-Loving Superstars!

Because of some recent comments in VP, we felt that this would be a good time to clarify some parts of our policy. Specifically, we want to discuss the idea of empowerment.


What's Empowerment?
As it says in this section of VP's FAQ/Rules, one facet of empowerment is:

[b]eing respectful of members' decisions. Each member needs to be comfortable with her own decisions. Especially where decisions of a sensitive nature are concerned, it's important to accept that choices have been made and to offer comments that support those choices rather than undermine them.

On a practical, everyday level, this often simply means accepting that different people make very different decisions. While it's always appropriate to respectfully provide information about the risks inherent in a VPer's decision, it's not okay to disregard that decision.

Even if you respectfully question someone's choice, it's important to acknowledge that the right to make that choice belongs solely to the person making it, and only they are fully capable of knowing all the risks/factors involved.

Sample Post
Say someone posts the following in VP:

Hi, everyone, I am just looking for some advice. I'm Jane, and I'm twenty-two. I have been with my girlfriend for two years now.. Yesterday she confessed to me that about two months ago, she cheated on me with a guy she works with. It only happened once, and she has never cheated before and has promised me she never will again.

This guy doesn't work with her anymore, and she doesn't know how to get in touch with him to find out his STI status. She said that they used a condom, but there was some unprotected penetration. She wasn't worried about STIs before, but now after reading about some that don't have really visible symptoms, she is more worried. She has made an appointment to get tested for STIs, and I am going to do the same. Neither of us have had any symptoms, but we want to err on the side of caution.

So I just want to know, how worried should I be? We have been having unprotected sex (oral, and some penetration with toys) since this happened -- how likely is it that we would both have something and not know it? Would it even be worth it to take precautions now, or is it pretty much too late to avoid getting something that she might have?

Thanks in advance for your help, ladies. :)

It's important to note that the OP says nothing negative here about her partner, and makes it pretty clear that she doesn't plan to end the relationship. To tell the OP that her trust has been violated and that she has been disrespected by her partner is both counterproductive and disempowering. If the OP has come to terms with the behavior of her girlfriend and decided to remain in the relationship, it's not up to any of us to tell her that she should feel any particular way about it. Being in a relationship with anyone means trusting that person in a myriad of ways, and different people have different criteria for bestowing/revoking such trust.

Sample Comments (Not Empowering)
Take the following hypothetical responses:

In my opinion, your girlfriend totally violated your trust and showed her total lack of respect for you and a complete disregard for your well-being.

-----

Not to be judgmental or anything, but your girlfriend sounds like a total jerk who obviously doesn't care at all about you.

Saying the above suggests (albeit indirectly) that the OP should feel the way that commenter feels. Even throwing in the "in my opinion" or "not to be ________" disclaimer doesn't do much to detract from the fact that the commenter is implying (inadvertently) that this is the way that the OP should also feel. (See here for more info on the "not to be ________" phenomenon.)

Another unfortunate consequence is that comments like those above also take the focus off the OP's questions and could make her feel like she may be doing something wrong by not feeling the way the commenter describes, especially when several people ignore her question and instead focus on judging her relationship choices.

Sample Comment (Empowering)
It is possible to express your concern for the OP's ongoing safety without judging her choices. We could instead say:

We all have to trust our sexual partners with our health and well-being. We all make mistakes, and it sounds like you still trust your girlfriend, but it's never a bad idea to discuss that trust and to make sure she understands the responsibility she has to safeguard your health as well as her own (and vice versa). Best of luck to you both!

The above still expresses concern, but in a more empowering way. Adding any suggestions you may have about STI testing would also be a plus to your comment, since that is actually the focus of the OP's query. After all, she is not asking us to judge her relationship choices; she is saying that she has made those choices already and now needs information about their STI risk.

Taking Time to Reflect Good Intentions
The safety and well-being of other VP members is a high priority for all of us, and it's important to make sure that we frame our concerns for other members in the most productive and helpful manner we can. We recognize that in the vast majority of cases, our fellow members have the best possible intentions. Rarely is it the commenter's intentions that cause conflict; it's more often the way those intentions are worded that can be problematic.

What we hope to accomplish with safe space is to challenge members to word things in a way that doesn't result in unintentional hurt/offense/judgment/disempowerment to/of other members--in other words, we want to challenge members to ensure that their comments accurately and precisely reflect their good intentions. That ends up being kind of a win-win situation for everyone, as nobody likes misunderstandings.

Again, empowerment is the key! We'd just like to ask that you keep this in mind when commenting in or reading VP.

As always, if you have questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to get in touch via email or CVP. We love to hear from you. :)

--Bob
For the VP Team
contact_vp

Comments

[groundisnotmine.livejournal.com]

great reminder, thanks. i never thought about that particular facet as a part of empowerment.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_crystalmyth/]

Great reminder! You guys rock. :)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I love this post. :)

Just as a personal perspective on this, taken from the sample post -- I experienced relationship infidelity myself in early 2005. After all the ensuing drama (and there was a whole lot of it, it was a very horribly situation), and after many weeks of discussions and soulsearching, I decided to continue to stay with my partner.

Of all the difficulties that decision entailed, none was more frustrating than being told directly by people largely unaware of, and uninvolved in, the situation that I should "drop the jerk" and comments to that effect.

I recognize that people were trying to help -- but I am also an intelligent woman who is capable of evaluating my situation, sticking up for myself, and making decisions that are good for me. When I heard comments like that, I felt as if they were (unintentionally) condescending towards me and disrespecting my intelligence and the amount of thought that went into my decision. More than that, I knew that despite the lies and infidelity, that my partner was fundamentally a good person whose motivations were much more complex than simply "being a deceitful jerk." The commenters did not know that.

Years later, I'm happy to report that I absolutely made the right decision -- and those who were naysaying now agree with me wholeheartedly. However, since most VP commenters will not have the opportunity to really engage in another poster's life, or witness what may be the positive outcome of their decisions, it's definitely best to reconsider how we approach posters in this situation.

[bit-bit.livejournal.com]

I agree with you entirely, from a similar situation. I was involved on the other side of infidelity several years ago. It wasn't something I was happy about once I sobered up and realized what I'd done, and my boyfriend and I had a tear-filled heart to heart afterwards. I was sure he wouldn't want anything to do with me, but he was understanding that people do make mistakes and that it wasn't something I'd ever repeat. It would have been heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of those "dump the jerk" comments, even if they were well-intentioned, because we were working through the problem on our own.

Even people who know about the whole situation agree that we have a great relationship, and if anything, working through that made our love for each other even stronger.