(no subject)

[judestar.livejournal.com]

I need help.

I have finally admitted defeat and know I need some advice, please, because I just cannot seem to orgasm, ever at all.

I think part of the problem is I am very uptight about sex, it hurts when he enters me because i tense up without realising, and I can never seem to acheive any sort of orgasm unless I am on top or in total control.
And it's really starting to ruin my sex life, because I am just not interested any more :S

And it's allright saying you;'re too tense, just relax, but this is something I have been trying to beat for the last couple of years (basically since I started having sex) and it's just no good.
I can't win, I need help.

Please?

NB. I do masturbate occasionally, and I can make myself cum, but during sex it is just totally different.

Comments

[gigglinggorgon.livejournal.com]

I think you need to explore why sex makes you tense... is it your background? something that has happened to you? religion?

I had the same issues, and until I came to terms with the causes of my sexual tension... and then I was able to work through it... slowly.

good luck!!!

*hugs*

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[judestar.livejournal.com]

Yeah definatley past experience.

Buyt how do you go about working through it?
I've never been to counselling or anything like that and i don't even know how i'd go about it.
:\

[sebatical.livejournal.com]

If you have benefits at work, most health insurances will allow for at least an introductory group of therapy sessions (my insurance offers between two and ten depending if you're "in network" or not). Give them a call and ask. That's what they're there for, and it's confidential.

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

if you go to school, your school probably offers some form of free counseling.

i go to the university of rhode island, and i've been in free therapy with a school psychologist for a few months now. the health center or something like that would probably be able to tell you about it.

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[gigglinggorgon.livejournal.com]

I spent a lot of time journaling, reading, and trying to find the peace within myself. Still working on it, but it gets better all the time.

[sperenza.livejournal.com]

[ayodele.livejournal.com]

inadequate? not sexual enough? no way! *mutters imprecations*

everyone is so different. gung-ho penetration may be enough to send some women into orgasmic seizures but it certainly won't do it for everyone! i've been reading a fantastic book, Women and Orgasm: When the Earth Moves by Mikaya Heart. She says at one point:

"Many people believe wommen *should* have orgasms, that there is something wrong with a woman if she doesn't. I don't believe this, any more than I thikn all women *should* be thin, or all women *should* drink herbal tea... I think a woman who wants to have an orgasm will be able to do so in her own good time, when her body is ready for it... Many women have good sex without having a consious experience of something that can be labelled orgasm."

[sperenza.livejournal.com]

[ayodele.livejournal.com]

he's obviously more experienced than i am

hmph. experience is *extremely* relative...

never feel inadequate about being a woman

damn skippy, girlfriend!

[ayodele.livejournal.com]

ps: i loooove miss piggy!

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

My partners both seem to understand that if I don't have an orgasm, and don't want one, it's okay just to accept that, and that if I don't have one, but do want one, there are a variety of ways to try to get there besides pure intercourse.

But I'm 39, and they're 33 (almost) and 41, and we've all had a fair bit of time to find out what works best for us, and gain the confidence to ask for it.

[ayodele.livejournal.com]

we've all had a fair bit of time to find out what works best for us, and gain the confidence to ask for it.

yes!! it takes *time* find out those things, and it can take a fair amount of effort and time to get that confidence. it's frustrating because i feel like younger women in particular are expecting herculean standards of orgasmic performance from themselves.

[fallensky.livejournal.com]

Re:

[judestar.livejournal.com]

Yes I have, he knows about it as of me getting very upset last night.

I'm not insured for counselling, but than I'm uk anyway so maybe through the nhs but I don't know :\

It seems like such a faff too.

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[fallensky.livejournal.com]

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[judestar.livejournal.com]

No I don't.

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[fallensky.livejournal.com]

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Is it just intercourse that you have a hard time with reaching orgasm during, or any sex with someone else at all?

In 20 years of great sex (okay, 12 years of average, 8 years of great), I don't think I've had an orgasm during intercourse without also stroking my clit on my own more than three times. Purely vaginal orgasms aren't especially common. I basically masturbate my way through intercourse.

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[judestar.livejournal.com]

Yeah it's intercouse really, I mean, sometimes I have what I think might be an orgasm but it's just not the same or something.

It just frustrated me that even after three weeks of no sex I can't orgasm at all :\

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

That's just like me, and I have great sex. I know very few women who can routinely have an orgasm, without outside help, during intercourse. The clit isn't especially accessible in that position. And I, personally, have never found anything like a real "g-spot" or other orgasm-creating place inside my vagina.

During intercourse, I just stick my fingers (or sometimes my little Water Dancer vibe) over my clit during intercourse and rub like crazy. Eventually, *shazam*. It's not a hang-up, really. It's just a difference in anatomy, and nothing to worry about. (You might still be worried about various aspects of sex, but in and of itself, not having unassisted orgasms during intercourse is incredibly normal.)

[katlynel.livejournal.com]

Word. I have good sex, but the little shuddery spasms I get from intercourse are nothing compared to the orgasms I can have when I masturbate.

My strategy is to use foreplay to get as aroused as possible before we start having sex, so I'm practically on the verge of orgasm by the time there's any penetration. And after my partner orgasms, he stimulates me manually while I rub my clit; the combination of vaginal and clitoral penetration, especially following the arousal of intercourse, results in a toe-clenching orgasm for me every time.

Re:

[judestar.livejournal.com]

Yeah same here.
I think that's maybe the problem, you get used to having really good orgasms and then you try with sex and it's just not the same :S

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[judestar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's definatley something to try anyway.

I remmeber reading about a guy who's girlfriend had a similar problem to me, as in when he penetrated her she tensed up. He said that the way he dealt with that was to play with her clit while easing himself in.
Which sounds like a rather nice idea to me :)

[tonapah.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've had an orgasm during intercourse without also stroking my clit on my own more than three times.

Masturbating during sex was the single greatest discovery of my sexual life. :) At first I was too embarrassed, but once I tried it, I quickly got over that. I'd love to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, but it has only happened twice in my life, so I refuse to miss out on self-assisted orgasms during sex because I'm chasing after a (for me) pie-in-the-sky intercourse-alone orgasm. Plus, my fiance finds the masturbating during sex to be really hot. ;)

I wish more women were comfortable both masturbating alone and during sex. It is a wonderful thing.