GYN Trauma

[pamsfriends.livejournal.com]

Yesterday, I went to the gynecologist for the first time.

Never having been sexually active, I was determined not to be at risk for HPV and the pap smear was deemed unnecessary. Yay, right?

Not so fast.

They still had to do a pelvic exam with the finger...a digital exam, right?

Is it normal to feel totally and completely physically and emotionally violated by the experience?

Nothing, and I mean nothing, had ever been, you know, "up there" before that point. I have an irrational fear of cotton balls, so shoving tampons up there was out of the question, and I have never masturbated (I'm not morally against it or anything, I've just never felt the urge).

It was all like "questions, questions, questions," and I'm like "I can handle this, I will just answer her questions," and then HELLO FINGER REALLY FAR UP MY COOTER. I have a problem with my right foot and every three weeks I have to go in and have a procedure done without any anesthesia, and it hurts less than this.

She was all like "OK, this is your cervix." I felt like saying "Hey, it's awesome that I have one, now can you let go? It's not a bottle cap, it's not going to come off!"

I was in pain for the rest of the day. I am still in pain now. There is no physical reason why I should be in pain.

How can I get over this? I feel like I have been violated. I'm not one of those people who's afraid she's "not a virgin" because something's been up there now. I know I'm still a virgin.

Also, my GYN thought maybe I should seek counseling because I freaked out so much and that she worries for my future relationships. Right now all four relationships I've had have been long-distance, that is, I longed for someone and he kept his distance. I didn't know how to communicate to her that it would be very different when I am with someone I love, someone I hope knows my body, something I'm ready for, and not a clinical exam with Dr. Periscopes-For-Fingers.