Advice for being a good friend.

[domino-girl.livejournal.com]

This isn't specifically vagina related, or even physical health related- its more of an emotional thing, and I thought this is probably the best place for me to get advice from women and girls who may understand the situation.



Basically, at the end of last year, a very close friend of mine became involved with a guy who none of us really liked at all. However, she seemed very happy and in love, so after a few months we came to the "if she's happy, its ok" conclusion. They broke up earlier this year- I'm not sure on all the details as I was travelling around a lot, but i think the relationship was six months total?

anyway, my friend has still been very upset, very sad, and has been seeing a psychologist about things.

This is what i really wanted to talk about:

Recently she has been opening up to me about what happened in her relationship, beause her psychologist has been telling her that this guy used her. But only within the past few days did I find out

a) The first time she had sex with him, he had gotten her very very drunk. It was her physical virginity, and she had also told him previously she didn't want to do it yet.

b) She told him she didn't want to do it again, but after another night of drinking, he actually had sex with her while she was passed out, asleep. From what I've seen of her, she actually didn't taste any alcohol for several months afterwards, even after they broke up.

Now, I was really upset about this when I found out, but didn't really know what to say. Also, she still talks about how she is still in love with him and all that.

I was hoping to find out if anybody has had friends in similar situations, and what kinds of things you can say or do to help put things away,help her move on.

I'm sorry if i wasn't clear in this, but any advice would be helpful.

Comments

[munchkin1616.livejournal.com]

I would look for a site on rape (since this is what #1 really was) as well as advice sites for more help :)

[domino-girl.livejournal.com]

thanks :) I was a bit worried about using the word rape for fear of sending her somewhere bad :S

[nirbhao.livejournal.com]

you don't have to give it any names. you can get ideas for support from those websites/ books/ support groups. she can call it whatever she needs to call it. he clearly abused her trust and body, though.

[jennifer0246.livejournal.com]

And that's a great point, but by NOT saying it, you could be making it just that much worse.

[lennons-momma.livejournal.com]

i believe that both instances were rape, especially if she was passed out, she had no way of consenting to anything. looking for sites about rape is a good idea. i would definately encourage her to keep going to therapy, as it can only help (i lost my virginity to rape and waited almost a decade to go, which was far, far too long). if nothing else, just try to be as supportive as possible. just being someone to help her stay strong is very important too.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_jejune/]

You beat me to it. If you can't consent, it's rape.

[cathubodva.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't number 2 be rape too? She couldn't give consent if she was passed out.

[manda-may.livejournal.com]

In these cases you can't really say anything. People in abusive relationships (whether it is with a boyfriend or say drugs...), have such a different persepective on things - they know what has happened....but don't aknowledge this becuase they have decided (think of pro con scale) that it doesn't matter becuase the love is more important.. Anyways the best thing you can do is be there for her, don't judge her (people in those positions will often just hate you and withdrawl if you give your two cents unless its truely at the right moment)...and just listen. Hopefully time will help her get through this...but being there for her as support is the most important becuase it means you are reliable, that you love her, and care about her. But, in the end, it doesn't change the decisions she is going to make... you can only help a person so much until they decide to help themselves.

[kino-makoto.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with this, especially if she still says she's in love with him. Just listen to her and be there for her as much as you possibly can and hopefully she'll be able to come out of it soon.

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I disagree. There are things you can say...you can tell her that she deserves a relationship in which she is respected. You can tell her that you will be there for her no matter what and will help her no matter what decision she decides to make. Tell her that you're her friend, and you love her. Tell her that love isn't enough - especially if the person you love is not loving you back (and by loving I mean love as a verb - acting loving towards you). Tell her what a wonderful person you think she is, and that she deserves someone who cherishes her. She may be opening up to you because she wonders if the psychiatrist was right, and if other people would also consider him to be using you.

I agree with the person below who said that you can tell her (in one way or another) that what happened to her was rape. Maybe putting a name on it would help? Obviously I can't say, but its possible that naming it would help her see the situation for what it is.

[leideigh.livejournal.com]

one of my friends told me that a childhood friend of hers had sex with her when she was passed out, after they got drunk. she considers it rape. what really helped her was talking to him about it afterwards (like, a week afterwards) and just letting him know in plain language that what he did was wrong, and her boundaries/limits, and things that other girls would probably not find acceptable. it was an isolated incident and not an ongoing relationship, except for the friendship. i think that your friend seeing a therapist is one of the best things to do. good luck!

[hildybrant.livejournal.com]

Here's my take on this-- therapy has helped immensely, as have massages.

A few weeks after I lost my virginity, my ever-flowing thought stream seemed to come out of a hole in the wall behind a giant picture of a tiger. Aladdin takes care of Neptune's men while the rest of us went off to bed.

A week later, a different guy got me drunk, and told me that he wanted to show me something in the back room. I followed him, he threw me down on the couch, held me still, and blatantly refused to wear a condom.



My advice? Let her sort these things out on her own, if she can. If she can't, she should definitely make the wisest use possible of her time with the therapist. Make sure to tell her when she's in there that she is absolutely not to lie, omit, or distort anything, because, if she does, the entire world will vanish.

[xfoundinabottle.livejournal.com]

I suggest pointing out to her that what the guy did to her is considered rape. Just because they were in a relationship it doesn't mean he had the right to do that. You dont actually have to say it..just send her a link or give her a pamphlet as to how alcohol induced sex is considered date rape unless it's been discussed and consented to previously. Then say you're not judging, but if she wants to talk about it, then you're there for her.

Yes therapy helps to an extent. Sometimes you can't even talk about it in therapy and the only thing that helps is time. I've been through the same thing almost. Drugged and raped by a close friend. I spent 5 months in therapy going around and around the subject but refusing to talk about it. It's been almost 4 years, and only last month I was able to have sex with the guy on top without freaking out and crying. It's a long way, but the faster you understand what happened to you the faster you can start healing.

[solestria.livejournal.com]

In those instances, it's rape. Not only was she unable to consent in both cases (and that would hold up as rape in a US court), but she had specifically told him that she didn't want to do it. At this point, there may not be much she can do legally, but seeing a psychologist is definitely a step in the right direction.

[ladyyamalthea.livejournal.com]

Oh my. I really don't have any advice for (sorry :-/) all I can say if it a man did that to me, what he did to her, I would go to the police and press rape charges. Even if it was my "boyfriend".