(no subject)

[sidndnancy.livejournal.com]

Hello my fellow vag pag-ers. My boyfriend is coming to visit shortly and I'd like to loose my virginity to him, he is a virgin as well. Now here's the problem he's very VERY nervous and well...skiddish for lack of a better word. Example: When I tried touching him for the first time he started to silently cry. After the better part of a month I was finally able to give him some oral, but not much. When I do pleasure him orally it is only for a little bit before he either starts shaking violently which makes me stop or he tells me to stop. What's going on? I'm really in love with him (we'll be together for a year come december) and I feel that I'm ready. He's told me that he's ready but I doubt that he honestly is. I care deeply about him and I don't like seeing him cry, so what can I do to set him at ease or to at least tell me what's going on thats making him feel so sad. When I do try to ask him what makes him worried or nervous he tends to clam up. Thanks everyone!

Comments

[littleblueworld.livejournal.com]

Could he have been abused?
The only thing that I can think of that would cause this reaction is that there has been some previous trauma that is triggered by sexual behavior.
I do not know if it would be best to bring this up or not. If he was abused, sexually or otherwise, he may need to address it with a trained professional.

Re:

[sidndnancy.livejournal.com]

Well I know his step father (whom he was very close to) killed himself but as for abuse I asked and he said that he wasnt.

[devilbunnie.livejournal.com]

I agree with littleblueworld. It sounds as if something has traumatized him in the past. Either that or he's really REALLY worried about disappointing you or something.
How old are you two? Maybe he's really just not ready to do anything sexually yet. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you though. I would try to talk things over with him and see what his feelings are on the matter.

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[sidndnancy.livejournal.com]

he's 21 and I'm 17. I know he was "traumatized" b/c his stepfather left and then was found dead. I asked him if he was sexually abused but he said that he wasnt. Bear in mind he's 21 and i'm his second girlfriend, his first lasted for a week.

[steaky.livejournal.com]

It sounds like it could be a trigger (like posted above).
hmmm, maybe he wants to be ready. but isn't.
there is no rush, right?
Maybe you both could just stick to other stuff, until he feels more ready.
Triggers are really rough.
good luck.
i know i didn't help.

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[sidndnancy.livejournal.com]

heehee thanks, but whats a trigger?

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[steaky.livejournal.com]

OH! a trigger is like a reaction to something that happened in the past. Like the trigger brings up emotion of that event.
hmmm
am i explaining it good or not?

[falls2climb.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend was a virgin when I started dating him, and he couldn't stay hard the first time I gave him a blowjob or the first time we tried to have sex, just out of pure nervousness. he wanted to do it, but was so scared that he physically couldn't. Your boyfriend does sound as if maybe it's something more than that, some kind of emotional trigger or whatnot. The best advice I can give you is to talk to him about it before you try to go further; the heart-to-heart conversations establish trust in the relationship, and the emotional intimacy can be even better than the physical intimacy

Re:

[sidndnancy.livejournal.com]

yeah we are super close, and he is overly sensitive (he cried when my mom made him an early birthday cake) but he just either doesn't know or he wont say anything

[erynchrista.livejournal.com]

just don't push the issue. he may be telling you he is ready when he really isn't just to make you happy. my boyfriend and i didn't have sex until we were dating a year. but even at some point we did have the "tears in our eyes" emotional sex, so maybe by crying and being emotional is how he shows joy and happiness. have a heart to heart talk with him and stick to what is easiest... :D

[sabbysteg.livejournal.com]

one of my exes was a virgin when we had sex and he was so afraid of not being any good in bed that he was in a fit about his first time. his expectations of himself were extra high and it made it very stressful for him. i am more inclined to think your bf has other issues than this, such as abuse, but maybe it has something to do with him having performance anxiety.

[dwarfstar21.livejournal.com]

My best friend was sexually abused as a child. Maybe something similar has happened to your boyfriend...she did the exact same things that you said your bf does...Just a thought.

[poekitty.livejournal.com]

is he religious? that is the first thing i thought. I have dated people who were religious, and very reluctant to go against the church. i think if it was abuse he would be more distant, rather than sitting there and being emotional. In my experience.

[maze-mistress.livejournal.com]

My last BF and i were both virgins and the first time I touched him he was so scared and nervous mostly because i had already told him that I had touched other guys that he couldn't stay hard and was shaking. When we finally talked about it, when he was open to talking about it, it was purly the fact that he was scared. Scared of what I was thinking and what I thought of him. When I finally was ready to give oral to him he was so shaken by it that he asked me to stop. I found out that he was more worried about me. He wanted me to be ok and feel safe with him rather than be physical. When we had sex for the first time he and I had been talking about it for almost 6 months, as friends and then as a couple. I am a very sexual person and he knew that. when we first had sex we laid there naked for two hours before talking about it and then when we had sex the whole time he asked me if I was ok and what I was thinking. The whole time worried about me.

Saying all of that I am thinking that maybe he is just so emotionally attached to you that he fears doing to much may cause problems either mentally or emotionally on you. when he is ready to open up to you about this topic just sit and listen and then ask the why's and what's.

Hopefully this helped.

[crapige.livejournal.com]

Maybe you shouldn't do things to him, More like let him take control. If things happen from his doing then go with it, If he doesn't do anything, then maybe you shouldn't try anything. I dunno. *shrug*

just my thoughts=)

[xwitchygrrlx.livejournal.com]

heya...my husband was the exact same way when we first started dating..and it wasn't anything that involved past abuse..though I do agree sometimes that can be a very large cause of reaction..but like some people say it can also simply be nerves...some people are not taught to be open with there bodys and its a matter of completly exposing yourself...so just take things slow...we found in the beginning if we didn't rush things and let them happen with no pressure for things to end a certain way it may help...also a good way to get used to each other would be masturbation in the same room so that it isn't pressure to "please" a partner...hope it helps..and good luck =)

[tigerfemme.livejournal.com]

Here's what I thought when I read your post, Holly. (My background: I'm a 32 year old lesbian who's also been with men in the past, I lost my "heterosexual" virginity at age 23, then figured out I prefer women about three years later.)

Anyway, about your post...my first thought was "He's not ready."

Further thoughts:

"He's very nervous about hurting you or not 'performing.'"

"There's a religious thing going on here."

"He was abused."

"Maybe he's questioning his sexual orientation." (Unlikely, but it came to mind)

I'd be most likely to say "nerves" or "not ready," though.

I think you should let him move at his own pace rather than instigate...do a lot of cuddling, watching TV or movies together, etc...oh, and I think the mutual masturbation thing isn't a bad idea, either, if he'd go for it. But I truly would take it easy for now. I think it's really important for a "first experience" to be a good one and not rushed.

Good luck!

[earthchildnz.livejournal.com]

well without wanting to repeat all that has already been said (most of which i totally agree & think is wonderful advise).

I suggest you take things really slow. After all, you have the rest of your lives to 'make love'. Savour the experiences you have together without going all the way..

As his reactions to oral sex are so extreem, there has to be some emotional / mental trauma going on. Why not give it a break for a while. How about just haveing a sexy, steamy shower together ? Or perhaps you could prepare a room, candles, music etc and then treat him to a loving massage (not sexual). This would help him to relax and be more comfortable.

You say you love him, and I believe you do. So take it slow, help him through this, and he will never forget how gentle, how kind and how un-pressured you were with him.. Best of Luck.

[djfox.livejournal.com]

It sounds sketchy to me... for one thing, if your communication is strained as it is right now, how can you even consider going farther in the relationship? Second, I think it's extremely suspicious that your boyfriend is 21, has only had two relationships, is still a virgin, and isn't terribly interested in losing it. It could be hundreds of things! Without actually asking him, we could speculate all day; maybe he has no sex drive, maybe it's hormonal, maybe he was abused, maybe he's gay, etc etc etc.