Don't fret! You're not defective. I had the same problem. All the reading I did, all the time I had spent with my boyfriend, and it still wasn't just easy.
I broke my hymen long before I ever had sex, but I still had trouble actually getting my boyfriends penis in the first couple times I tried to have sex too. I felt wet, so I thought "what's the problem?" but looking back I know that I just wasn't as wet as I need to be. Plus I was extremely tense, despite the fact that I really wanted to have sex! Tense vaginal muscles + not enough lube= pain and probably not being able to get your partner's penis in very far.
On your own you could try practicing to relax your vaginal muscles. If you can do kegels, then get comfy, lie down, do a kegel and then when you release your muscles just try to get it as relaxed down their as possible. Really learn the difference from what if feels like to be clenched down there vs relaxed.
What worked for me was learning to relax my vaginal muscles, buying some lube, and then using lots of lube. When it finally worked I had decided to try being on top so that it was easier to see what was happening and I had more control as far as guiding my partners penis. And it was. Once I slowly (very slowly) had managed to get my partners penis in, I was able to relax even more.
As for the pain getting worse the more you try, I'm not sure what the time frame is for the times that you've tried to have sex, but perhaps if they're close in succession, you're vaginal is just getting a little irritated. It happens to me sometimes still. Best to give it a few days to rest and recover, if that is the case, and definitely get some lube.
Also, I'm not sure what your background is as far as what you've been taught about sex, but often if we hear that we're not supposed to have sex before marriage, or not supposed to masturbate, etc etc, those things stick with us for longer then we'd like them too. So part of the hesitation could be psychological. In which case I don't know what to suggest except to be patient, give it time and try to become comfortable with your body. Maybe spend more time with your boyfriend getting more comfortable with other sexual things before trying sex again? I'm really not sure. I think someone else might have better suggestions that I do, if this is the case.
Anyway, I think it's great that your boyfriend is patient and you two are taking it slow. Forcing this is definitely not the way to go.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-29 07:49 am (UTC)I broke my hymen long before I ever had sex, but I still had trouble actually getting my boyfriends penis in the first couple times I tried to have sex too. I felt wet, so I thought "what's the problem?" but looking back I know that I just wasn't as wet as I need to be. Plus I was extremely tense, despite the fact that I really wanted to have sex! Tense vaginal muscles + not enough lube= pain and probably not being able to get your partner's penis in very far.
On your own you could try practicing to relax your vaginal muscles. If you can do kegels, then get comfy, lie down, do a kegel and then when you release your muscles just try to get it as relaxed down their as possible. Really learn the difference from what if feels like to be clenched down there vs relaxed.
What worked for me was learning to relax my vaginal muscles, buying some lube, and then using lots of lube. When it finally worked I had decided to try being on top so that it was easier to see what was happening and I had more control as far as guiding my partners penis. And it was. Once I slowly (very slowly) had managed to get my partners penis in, I was able to relax even more.
As for the pain getting worse the more you try, I'm not sure what the time frame is for the times that you've tried to have sex, but perhaps if they're close in succession, you're vaginal is just getting a little irritated. It happens to me sometimes still. Best to give it a few days to rest and recover, if that is the case, and definitely get some lube.
Also, I'm not sure what your background is as far as what you've been taught about sex, but often if we hear that we're not supposed to have sex before marriage, or not supposed to masturbate, etc etc, those things stick with us for longer then we'd like them too. So part of the hesitation could be psychological. In which case I don't know what to suggest except to be patient, give it time and try to become comfortable with your body. Maybe spend more time with your boyfriend getting more comfortable with other sexual things before trying sex again? I'm really not sure. I think someone else might have better suggestions that I do, if this is the case.
Anyway, I think it's great that your boyfriend is patient and you two are taking it slow. Forcing this is definitely not the way to go.