sex/masturbation question

[kitty--butler.livejournal.com]

almost every place i've ever read any kind of sex advice advises that women masturbating and knowing how to make themselves feel good makes it easier for them to orgasm when they are with a partner. do you think this is true? i think maybe its the opposite for me. i can come perfectly fine on my own but NEVER with anyone else. and i'm certain that its not a lack of skills on the other person's behalf, or a lack of me being comfortable enough to let go, or a lack of communication, or a lack of experimenting - i've tried EVERYTHING. its ridiculous - even when doing the very things i fantasise about, still nothing. and its not that i focus too much on coming, because i really don't. i don't get it. someone can touch me almost exactly the way that i'd do it - and i'll get to the just-about-to-come point, and just stay there. even when using a vibrator! its maddening. the only way i can come with a partner is doing it myself and having them help out, but whilst thats fun and all, i'd sometimes like not to have to do it myself!

i sometimes wonder whether i've programmed myself to only come a certain way. both physically, and mentally. but doing all the kinky things i fantasise about, eradicates the mental part - so it must be a physical problem.

i can't help thinking - if i were male, i'd be classed as impotent. which is a horrible thought. even worse is the idea that because i'm female, it doesn't matter that i can't come, there isn't the same stigma attached.

recently i've just stopped masturbating... i figure maybe i can reprogramme my body. i don't have too much faith in it working though. all it does is drive me insane.

someone... help? i'm sure there's not really much anyone can say though, i think i've pretty much tried everything.

Comments

[xpressingmyself.livejournal.com]

I personally can make myself come very quickly. When someone else is doing it though it does take quite a bit. I sometimes wonder the same as you. Sometimes it is just easier for me to do it myself and then have sex with my partner.

Kinds suxs at times.

[specialk85.livejournal.com]

I can always come on my own, but in the year Ive been sexually active with my boyfriend I have only ever come twice, and that was with his hand.

I find that when Im on my own I actually tense my legs right up so I tried this with him not so long ago and it happened. But yeah, normally I do a very good job of faking it :(

[kitty--butler.livejournal.com]

if you fake it then how do you possibly expect him to learn what he's not doing right? you're making things more difficult for yourself...

[specialk85.livejournal.com]

Its got nothing to do with what he's doing right/wrong...hes very good in bed. Its got to do with the fact that I can only orgasm in a very definite position, with certain muscles tenses and the right speed. Its not something you can teach, nor something that I find particuarly appropriate during sex (its kinda clinical I guess!). I enjoy sex with him very much I just don't come. But I know he's very into making me feel good and in my experience guys don't understand the whole 'it doesn't matter that I didn't come it was still mindblowing' and gets really down about it. So I fake it.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

I don't cum from sex...My boyfriend knows this and because I haven't made it into a big deal it doesn't matter for us. You're not doing yourself any favours. Faking is a bad habit that's hard to shake off.

[specialk85.livejournal.com]

You know what, Im not trying to do myself any favours. Faking it is easier than him going at it till im absolutely dry and then him getting upset and disappointed that he couldn't make me cum. End of story.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

Fair enough, although I will never understand why it is easier for some people to do that, rather than keeping it real *shrug*.

[meleth.livejournal.com]

I've faked orgasms before, when I knew I wasn't going to come, not because my bf wasn't doing things right, but because I just wasn't. He gets upset when he can't get me off, and I don't want him to feel bad just because my body isn't cooperating. Be nice.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

COme on, your saying that i'm not being nice?! I haven't attacked her or called her silly etc...All i'm saying is that faking is a bad idea. I just can't get my head around the idea that unless you cum, your body isn't cooperating. I love sex, my boyfriend knows this, I know this, but I just never get there. And instead of him or me worrying about orgasms so much, we just let go and enjoy.

There was this one time where he was determined to make me cum, and we both ended up not enjoying it because we were too focused on what's percieved as the 'ultimate goal'. Men have NO need to feel that they're letting their girlfriends down if they cannot cum.

Ack i'm not trying to be a bitch but i just think sometimes guys need to get over their pride and focus on something other than the orgasm that they think should come every time.

[oboegoddess.livejournal.com]

I'm totally with you. I never fake, and it can be problematic because a lot of guys do think that if you didn't come then it wasn't that good for you and it hurts their poor little ego. I get so annoyed when men think they have to make you come every time so they can feel that they're good in bed, and I don't want to encourage that mentality at all.

I can see why it would be easier to just fake, but I think it's healthier overall to communicate with your partner your true feelings. If it was wonderful but you didn't come, tell him that. If something's bothering you, tell him too. I think any decent partner would want you to be honest and let them know what pleases you and how you feel.

[meleth.livejournal.com]

Sorry, didn't mean to overreact. Was having a bad day and got all defensive, etc. My bad.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

It's all good. I hate bad days ;-)

[mynameismaryjo.livejournal.com]

perhaps you should try telling him that. instead of lying to him. I used to fake it with my boyfriend, then I told him that I didn't orgasm most of those times. Still felt great, but it just takes more stimulation. He was disappointed, but he understood.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

Totally...Then you can work at it making it feel really awesome. lying is no fun for anyone. I'm glad my argument isn't completely redundant! :)

[jade-woulf.livejournal.com]

With my ex (my first sexual partner) I never came with him. Always had to come afterward with him fingering me while I stimulated my clit (and him complaining that his hand was cramping, kinda put a damper on things; yeah, so glad I'm not with him anymore).

It's very rare that I don't come before or at the same time as my current boyfriend. The difference? The fact that I masturbated a lot more and learned how to stimulate my clit in different positions (and he's a patient man and *wants* to give me pleasure). I learned what "got me going" and passed this on to my boyfriend. It takes me longer with someone else to "get there" but I learned what worked for me. Very few women can come from vaginal stimulation alone, and I'm sure you've tried this but I'll suggest it, just try different positions and try to stimulate or get him to stimulate your clit. If it's hard to use your fingers/hand, maybe a small vibrator that you or he can just hold in place?

Masturbation doesn't help you get there any faster with someone else. What it does is help you get to know your body and help you to learn what triggers orgasm for you. I know what pressure to apply and where to apply it on my clitoris and I can figure out what position(s) in sex with my boyfriend I can duplicate this stimulation. Plus with him I have the added stimulation of vaginal penetration to egg me on.

I spent three years with the ex and I can count on one hand the number of times I came during sex. It was always after he orgasmed that he'd "help" get me off. Even then it took me a long time, but that was because he made me feel pressured to "hurry it up." Though I do admit if I had been able to better communicate, it might not have been so bad.

Just talk with your boyfriend and I've said it more than once, I can be fully satsified after sex even without an orgasm. There's so much more to it than the orgasm...and I guess because I don't really put my emphasis on wether or not I come, I am able to relax and feel less pressured that way. When I forget this and do focus on "Oh my god I need to come" my orgasms aren't as intense and/or I just don't get one. :-/ Psychology is very heavily tied into sex...

Eh, sorry for my rambling novel. That's my fifty bucks plus shipping and handling. :)

[kitty--butler.livejournal.com]

Very few women can come from vaginal stimulation alone, and I'm sure you've tried this but I'll suggest it, just try different positions and try to stimulate or get him to stimulate your clit. If it's hard to use your fingers/hand, maybe a small vibrator that you or he can just hold in place?

yeh, as i said, i've tried all that. and i know that there's more to sex than an orgasm, i don't *need* it to be satisfied, but it would be nice. i don't focus on it generally, or worry about not being able to come - but when i think about the fact that i've just NEVER come except for masturbation, it is extremely frustrating.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

Eh I can easily bring myself to orgasm myself, and although I come from oral/fingering combo ...heh, sounds like a McD meal...I can't from sex.

Perhaps you just need to push the idea that you think your programmed out of your head and go with the flow. You may be surprised with the results. With my now ex boyfriend I was so concerned about me not cumming, but with my current boyfriend, I've come to accept that it's really not that big of a deal, and i've let go, and sex is so awesome now.

[kitty--butler.livejournal.com]

i don't have the idea in my head that i'm programmed to the point that it would stop me coming. i really only just thought of it recently, that it might be a possibility. and i don't stress about not coming, generally.

[sparklesistah.livejournal.com]

I think i'm prgrammed to a certain extent. I mean it's sooo hard for my boyfriend to get me off just fingering my clit but when i do it, I can come within minutes. It is strange and have wondered if it's me masturbating too much heh :)

Plus I find that trying to stimulate my clit during sex just with my fingers gets me nowhere. I don't know how women do it but I just can't work it! hehe.

unrelated

[pirate-poet.livejournal.com]

I like your screen-name. "Tipping the Velvet" is great. :)

[arbore.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. I think maybe that some people are just different. I know that I can do it perfectly fine on my own, but for the life of me cannot have anyone else do it. I mean, it HAS been done, but for some reason-- as you said-- isn't as good. *shrug* haha

[mercurysmile.livejournal.com]

I know for sure a lot of men have real problems with this kind of problem...too much hard, repetitive wankin' and suddenly nothing but his own death grip gets him off. It doesn't seem an unreasonable leap to say it could happen to women.

I've noticed myself that since using a vibrator regularly, I can no longer give myself an orgasm with my fingers alone. Scary! Maybe you could keep masturbating, but mix up the sensations a lot...penetration, slow and fast, different speeds and styles of clitoral stimulation. Maybe you can teach yourself to appreciate different stimulations, so your body is a little more..."open minded" about orgasms?

[dierdreceilidh.livejournal.com]

I have never had an orgasm from penetration, or with a man, for that matter. However, I've had amazing orgasms from masterbation. I think my difficultly is a combination of two things: one, my clit is far away from my vagina so I don't get a lot of stimulation and second, I am overweight so my mound is fat and hides my clit deeper in my hood. It pisses me off. ::sigh::