I'm too scared to have a smear test...

[geckoface-eater.livejournal.com]

In case it's of any importance, I'm a 25 year old lesbian(ish - possibly asexual) cis-woman. The issue is mainly that I'm too scared to go for a smear test (and have been receiving those letters telling me I'm [over]due to go have one. I was wondering how risky it is for me to simply not go for the smear test. I mean obviously I realise that it's better to get it done but on the other hand, I believe I am quite low risk because:

1. I have never had sex, nor had any sexual contact with anyone.
2. I have had the hpv vaccine.

I wonder how much it's really important that I actually get my smear test done considering the above and, if I really have to... how to go about it. Earlier this year I failed to allow a doctor to do what was basically an external examination of my privates (when I went for an appointment relating to some particularly heavy/painful periods etc I'd been having). I rarely (never with this one exception) cry in public or in front of people I don't know, but this made me cry uncontrollably. I absolutely panicked. When the mention of that sort of an examination was brought up again at a later time, I leapt up and nearly fled the room. This response was unexpected, even to myself. It was like reacting to being burned - I reacted before I thought.

The idea of someone even touching the outside of that idea completely terrifies me and it's hard to explain why. I don't even like it if -I- am the person touching it (literally, I feel mildly uncomfortable about wiping there after going to the toilet).

I have never been able to insert tampons or anything (I went through a phase of occasionally trying but have now totally given up on that).

I feel like it does / would hurt a lot but that doesn't exactly explain it. My doctor is also totally convinced that I've suffered some sort of sexual abuse that I am refusing to share / denying but this is not actually the case (as above, I have never had any sexual contact with anyone). I can't discuss it properly with her because the whole topic makes me cry a lot and makes me probably come across as totally irrational.

When I have tried to talk to other people who have had a smear test they say things like "oh yeah I was really scared too" or "yeah I hate that" but I feel like I can't express that this is more than a dislike/discomfort/mild fear. These are also people that (I assume) have had sex before or have at least managed to put in a tampon and are not actually terrified of absolutely everything to do with the whole area.

Additional info: I had a ton of UTIs as a kid, and have commonly had yeast infections. I get extremely heavy, very painful periods (which are regular at least so there's one thing going for me). I do not normally get upset over other medical things (eg. I am not worried about injections, other types of examinations, etc, and am not squeamish about non-female-sex-organ-related gore).

So yeah, if you have any advice...