vaginapagina | Jan. 11th, 2015

So,for most of my life I have gone through stages of intense sexual need and then absolute stand still.
No matter if I'm in a relationship or not, at some point I just don't want sex. I can't masturbate and create desire, and my boyfriend can't turn me on (that has many causes though. I'll get to that in a minute) Not just my current one, but past ones as well.

I feel like I'm not attracted to my Bf anymore because he gained weight (I love him very much still and don't want to leave him at all. We have talked about it and although it was a blow to his self-esteem for a while, we have both moved on in a way that has gotten us closer together) but I also know that just sometimes I feel like this and it confuses me- am I not attracted to him or am I just in a lull again??

Not even the thought of old crushes gets me hot and bothered though, so it's more likely a lull.
I also realized recently that I derive pleasure from looking at sex, specifically penis in vagina sex. Like, to be turned on I must see it entering and exiting the vagina (mine or someone else's).
I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to find pleasure in my partner's pleasure, and at hearing him moan, and from what I feel from him and being touched.

I'm just very disconnected from sexuality right now and I don't want to be.

Dose anyone have any ideas on how I can improve my responses and deal with my issues or can send me in the direction of help?
Thank you. I will answer any questions to clarify if needed.