Featured content: sticks and stones will break my bones... and sex will always hurt me

[kaberett]

Here's the links round-up! Would you prefer me to copy the LRU over on Sundays, when it first goes up, to allow discussion in the comments?



It's MMMMonday! Each Monday, we bring you special, maintainer-curated content intended to enrich your VP experience. Please note that you can find past MMMMonday posts using the "featured-content" tag.

This week's post is by, er, me: I'm one of VP's safer space maintainers, and I run the joint on DW. When I'm not hanging around VagPag or engaging in trans* activism, I'm most frequently found bothering rocks. My favourite album this week is Seanan McGuire's Wicked Girls, and I can't wait to tell you about their shiny new pinstripe underbust corset.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones...

...and sex will always hurt me.

In general, we're very keen to tell people that sex shouldn't hurt - and as far as it goes, this is true, and it's good advice. Pain is your body's way of saying that something is wrong, that you should stop – take more care – reevaluate.

This is important: conditions like vaginismus can be set off or made worse by trying to "push through" the pain; the idea that first-time sex "should" be painful is incredibly damaging to people's understandings of what good sex is like; for anal penetration, pain is typically a warning sign of microabrasions or tearing and an indication to (at the very least!) add another bucket of lube.

Like all blanket statements, though, "sex shouldn't hurt" isn't true all the time. For me, the key distinction is between expected, explicable pain, and pain I don't understand (why it's hurting, where it's hurting, and so on).

There's the obvious case of BDSM: pain that some people experience as enjoyable in part because it's safe (ideally!), so rather than worrying about what's causing it and whether (unwanted) permanent damage is going to be sustained, it's possible to just pay attention to the sensations in their own right rather than as part of a larger narrative.

The other case, though - and the big one for me - is that I have chronic pain (via endometriosis and RSI). It's beginning to affect more and more of what I do with my pelvis, and more and more of any motions I make using that general area of my body. For me, pain during sex (any kind of sex, not just penetration) is, these days, expected: between nodules in my rectovaginal septum (the shared wall between the two!), ovarian cysts, and labial and clitoral neuropathy (shooting pains in my labia and clitoris, due to endometriosis affecting the function of the nerves that serve those areas), I can pretty much pull out my MRI scans and surgery photos and point out exactly what's causing any given pain spike.

Of course, it also helps that I live in a country where routine access to appropriate levels of pain relief is a possibility for me.

But one way or another, I've pretty much ended up in the situation where I expect that sex will hurt, I know what kinds and levels of pain are within the boundaries of "normal" for me, and I want it anyway (well, some of the time!). My partners know that sometimes I'll say "hold on a sec" and roll over to grab some painkillers from the bedside table, or I'll ask them to fetch me some, and we'll then snuggle carefully while I lie very still for a bit; or we'll talk about what we want to do, and we'll check in about what I can do (or what my pain levels will likely be with particular activities); or we'll stop altogether or not start, or we'll negotiate something that gets me off when I'd really appreciate it but I'm not up to taking an active role in a partner's orgasm. There's lots and lots of options, and I'm pretty sure I haven't listed them all here - but it boils down to this: it's not pain in and of itself that's the "stop" signal for me, but pain I can't explain, or pain that's worse than usual, or pain that's in any other way abnormal.

And I think it can be really, really useful to acknowledge that sex hurts, so - here I am, and that's what I'm saying.

VPers, what are your experiences with sex and pain, chronic or otherwise? if you do have chronic pain affecting sex, what strategies do you use to handle it?

[also on VP@LJ]

A Couple Questions.

[bambiblake007.livejournal.com]

Today I shaved for the 1st x ever -- completely, no hair left. My husband helped me out and he nicked me a bit. I think everything is ok now, no bleeding or anything..But should I get myself sum Aloe Vera just to be safe (especially since I enjoy the feeling of no hair now and I've suggested to him we keep this a habit)..And I kno I'll be itching when the hair starts to grow back, soo I'll need something to help out with that too.

Also, does anyone have a suggestion on wat kinda shaver to use?? Should we use any shaving cream (I've heard regular hair conditioner is good to make the hair soft down there)?? This time, he used his own shaver and we did it dry..Which besides the small nick, wasn't that bad..but I saw a razor at the pharmacy for $30 that looked like it might be wat I'm lookin for -- it did face, body, bikini area, underarms, and legs (it's bigger than a personal trimmer, about the size of a regular electric razor but for women)

2nd thing is this: I have an odor that I've had all my life. I've tried everything but I still have a pee pee smell. I have used Vagisil Wash and I do like it, it does seem to keep me clean when I use it regularly but last x we were at the gyno my husband mentioned to him that I'm self-conscious about my odor and wat should I do about it. I told him I'd been using Vagisil Wash but I'd read that it was best to not douche, wash with only water, etc and he'd said that with the Vagisil Wash, I might be inadvertently killing my husband's sperm. I didnt kno this soo I've stopped using my Vagisil Wash and I only use water now..Ive also started sitting a bit longer after doing number 1 so as not to stand up and the stream still be going..and that seems to be helping a lot too with the odor.

Basically, I just want to kno if the Vagisil Wash is ok to use when I take my normal shower..I dont intend to use it after sex if/when I shower..

Any tips on shaving, the odor issue, would be greatly appreciated. Thnx.

Accidental birth control overdose?

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

I started taking Alesse at my doctor's recommendation in January, because I was dating someone and wanted to be safe. I read the instruction, but read them wrong, and so I've been taking a pill every day pretty much since I started. I'm told, though, that I should have been taking a pill every day for two weeks and then going off the pills for another week. I haven't been having sex, so I'm not worried about being pregnant, but I'm wondering if taking a pill every day for so long might harm my health in some way? I have been spotting for the past few days, but haven't had any other symptoms.

Some Head-Scratch Thinkin' on BC

[bacchae23.livejournal.com]

Hi, there! I am a first time poster to VP, but I love this community and you guys muchly. My question today isn't necessarily a current issue I'm having, but more about what happens...later.

I recently finished reading Boink: the Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach and thoroughly enjoyed it. I've kindof taken an interest in reading further in discussions of sex and how much of it is powerfully biological, and have found the whole subject absolutely fascinating.

This being said, while reading Roach's book (as well as a couple others), more than a few times I came across mentions of how the Pill has some not-so-foreseen sideffects. One of these cases discussed MHC (a genetic-thingy found in pheromones and saliva), and how the Pill causes a woman to go after males who share a more similar MHC. According to some of these science-y books, similar MHC is not desired at a genetic level. After going off the Pill, women discover that they may not be attracted to their partner in the same way they were while on it, because the Pill influenced on a biological level who they went after. Meaning: they went after partners who (biologically) their bodies may not have wanted otherwise. I didn't explain that terribly well, and if I explained it wrong, please correct me.

The other -- and perhaps more creepy -- discussion in Boink was how, after going off the Pill, a woman's libido may not ever really come back.

I don't know how I feel about either of these things. In the books I read, birth control was never discussed negatively. More than anything else, these books sought to understand how birth control affects the female body on a biological level and what some of the temporary/permanent changes may be.

I like being on birth control. I love my current partner. But I don't know how I always feel when confronted with information telling me that the Pill may be negatively influencing the males I go after, or how it may permanently affect my libido after I decide to stop using it.

These are just thoughts. I was curious, however, as to what your thoughts were on the Pill and the above information. Do you think about what may happen after you go off the Pill? Do you believe recent studies regarding the Pills influence biologically? Why/why not?

Thanks, guys! This was a little convoluted, but I look forward to seeing what you folks think.

Two strains of HPV, I have some questions.

[swampmermaid.livejournal.com]

I found out about a month ago that I have HPV, the kind that causes genital warts. They were very small growths on my perineum, so I got them burned off. They came back about a week or so later, so I went in to get them burned off again. I also got a pap smear done since I've heard that it's relatively common to have more than one strain of HPV at once, and (surprise) it came back abnormal. I went in today to get a colposcopy (ouuuuch) done, and my doctor said there were precancerous cell changes on my cervix, but they'd give me a more definitive analysis by Friday. I have a few questions about HPV, and I can't seem to find the answers to anywhere else online, so I figured I would give VP a shot.

1) How likely is it to pass HPV to someone if you have no visible warts? I've read that it's something like a 30% chance to pass the warts on to someone if you don't have an active infection and have waited at least 2 weeks since you had them removed, but it diminishes over time, but I don't know how accurate that is.

2) What is the standard etiquette when dating with HPV? Do potential partners need to know? I've heard mixed things about this one. Some people think that it's so common that it's not really necessary to talk about, but I would definitely want to know if someone I was sleeping with had it...I would never have subjected myself to this horrible virus otherwise. :(


3) Are there any (effective) natural remedies for GW? I've heard about apple cider vinegar and tea tree oil, but I'm not sure about the efficacy. Does anyone have any personal experience with this?


Any insight would be greatly appreciated...this has been hell to deal with, and I'm so scared of what the colposcopy will turn up. :(

Endo resources for non-English speakers in U.S.?

[eringryffin.livejournal.com]

Hi, everyone! I'm posting on behalf of a friend who's from Taiwan and looking for information. Her English isn't great, so I'm trying to find things that are A) in her language, B) in very simple English, or C) that I can boil down to simple English without a huge amount of difficulty. I did find the Pain Management entry in the Endometriosis tag, and will definitely be passing that on!

She's 30 or 31, and is in the U.S. as a student, I believe; she said she does have medical insurance. I know she's had surgery for her endometriosis at least twice before, possibly more, but not in the U.S. She doesn't want to have kids, so post-treatment fertility isn't a concern for her, but I don't know if/what BC she may be on, or have bad reactions to. (If there's anything really important that would help with finding resources, I can ask her tomorrow!)

She has a friend with worse English who has the same condition, and who probably needs more general information about the American health system; I'm not much help, unfortunately, since aside from sinus infections I'm pretty healthy and have never really had to be insured for anything that's not "sudden and unexpected million-dollar catastrophe".

Thank you all SO MUCH; I'm really out of my depth, here, but I hate to leave a friend hanging!