No feeling during sex

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

So to brief everyone,
I'm 26 and started having sex about 6 months ago. I've only been with one person who says he never really had all that much experience with sex. (I'm his 3rd sexual partner.)
So I went into assuming it's supposed to feel amazing and wonderful and be the best thing in the world and want it all the time because it's so great...that is so not the case. It literally doesn't feel like anything at all. I mean yes I can feel the penis in there, but it doesn't feel good in any way, shape, or form. There is NO feeling whatsoever! Is this normal? It doesn't seem normal. I've asked my friends ranging in ages from 17-35 and 99% of them say it feels amazing during sex. Is there something I am doing wrong? Could I be numb inside there? My boyfriend isn't big by any means but he isn't small either. I'm pretty sure he's average (5 in.)
I'm just not sure what's going on and why I hear people rave about it and why I feel nothing at all.
:/
Thanks!

Comments

[dreamitdoit.livejournal.com]

Maybe your'e not stimulated/aroused enough? Is it sore, or just numb?

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

not sore at all, just numb!

[dreamitdoit.livejournal.com]

I've had that with one guy, but I'm not sure what to say except maybe try some of that lube which makes your nerves extra sensitive? And ask your partner how it feels for him? I'm sure someone else will have something more helpful to say!

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the reply! See I don't know if it's just how it is in general or if it would be different/better with someone else. Which I love my bf so I'm not willing to cheat on him to find out.

[dreamitdoit.livejournal.com]

Maybe try sex toys/a vibe?

my two cents.

[xevv.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm going to say stay the hell away from those "warming sensation" lubes. Know what that warming sensation is? MILD CHEMICAL BURN.

Your situation reminds me of a scene from "Kinsey", i.e. "it's like I'm dead down there."

We can't really know what is wrong until you describe the kind of sex you're having, as there are many ways to have it. Penises aren't magical feel good wands of passion. A penis isn't all that different in shape and texture than your doctor's fingers or speculum, and I doubt you're writhing in ecstasy each time you get a pap smear. Most nerve endings in your genitals will be concentrated around your clitoris (the head, the shaft, and the part that forks down that you can't see) and the very opening of your vagina. A penis will only stimulate the opening of your vagina if there is not too much lube preventing friction.

Do you masturbate, and do you derive pleasure from that? If so, is your boyfriend able to touch you the way you touch yourself? Is your boyfriend going down on you? Is he playing with your breasts, your labia, your clit? Does he lick or touch your erogenous zones? (I have several, most notably the small of my back, the back of my neck, and the arches of my feet) Are you mentally engaged, do you find your boyfriend attractive, do you feel as though he is emotionally/mentally present? I could go on, but these are some of the things that make the difference between a medical exam and great sex.

Finally, if you have all that covered and you still don't feel anything, it's probably because your clitoris isn't being properly stimulated during intercourse. When I was in your situation when I was first having sex, I found the trick was to get into missionary and angle my hips so that with every inward stroke, my boyfriend's pelvis was rubbing against my clitoris. This made it so that I got all my favorite spots stimulated during sex, and allowed me to orgasm from intercourse.

Good luck!

Re: my two cents.

[withevrylite.livejournal.com]

This this this!

Re: my two cents.

[katscanx.livejournal.com]

Penises aren't magical feel good wands of passion.

OMG I lol'd at this. So true, and man is that something they don't tell you in sex ed.

And I totally agree with everything in this answer.

Thing is, OP - media & society tend to show us that sex is always this totally mind-blowing, amazing thing. Turns out, that's not actually true. Sex is fun, sex can be amazing and mind blowing, but you're totally new to this whole thing, so it's going to take some experimentation and time to figure out what works for you. This commentor is right on about where your nerves are - they're outside your vag, for the most part. Sex really is a full-body experience. Try not to worry so much about feeling things inside - perhaps focus more on enjoying the entire act, and yours + his whole bodies. Experiment, communicate, and learn together what you both enjoy. And keep in mind, sex is supposed to be fun, so don't worry or put too much pressure on yourselves. Best of luck!

Re: my two cents.

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

Wow thanks you so much for the detailed reply. There is no stimulation of the clitoris during piv sex, perhaps that's why!

Re: my two cents.

[jenn-possible.livejournal.com]

But there can be! "Spooning" sex works really, really well for this if you're looking for ideas :)

Re: my two cents.

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

Thank you a million times for taking the time to respond to my post. This is very helpful!!

[leeshers.livejournal.com]

I dont have a lot of thoughts, just that people vary widely in their feeling when in comes to PIV sex. Some people do great with penetration and love it, many others like it but really its all about the clitoris. Most women find they need manual stimulation of the clit while doing PIV to really enjoy the feeling (at least I know I do)
If its just PIV and I am not really turned on and getting manual, its meh.

Also, people lie to their friends about sex. No one wants to sound weird, everyone wants to sound really cool and awesome, so while your friends may be telling the truth, its important to realize they may be exaggerating as well.

[purple-solle.livejournal.com]

It's entirely possible that your body just doesn't feel much during sex. This is one of (many!) things that can be labeled "asexuality". The fact that you started having sex relatively late would indicate this: if your sexual sensations are reduced, your drive to become sexually active could be reduced as well.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this. Many people have very little sexual sensation and still lead normal lives: they have steady partners, get married, have kids. If you feel uncomfortable about it, however, I would recommend asking your doctor about possible causes.

The other possibility is that your body and mind still need to get used to having sex. (For me, PIV sex didn't feel really good until after about half a year.) If you've only been with one partner, It's also possible that it's the combination between you two that makes sex not as pleasurable as it could be. Some people just aren't very sexually compatible... it happens.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

The fact that you started having sex relatively late would indicate this

Erm, not necessarily! I've always been highly sexual, but did not engage in sexual activity with another person until I was in my twenties. There's nothing abnormal about being 26 the first time you have intercourse, people wait for a variety of reasons, some are religious or cultural, and others wait because they're perfectly content to do without sex until they meet someone they feel comfortable and compatible with.

[indigo-forest.livejournal.com]

Seconded! I was a virgin til I was 20, and I've opened up a LOT sexually since then. Definitely not asexual.. in fact I've grown to realize I'm bisexual since then.

[mousebebe.livejournal.com]

Agreed. Bisexual, know what I like, interested in sex... and have reached my mid-twenties without having sex.

[xevv.livejournal.com]

isn't this also a cultural judgement? who is to say how late late is? in some cultures, in some eras, this wouldn't be considered late at all.

Asexuality is about drives and desires. She clearly has the desire to enjoy sex and to have sex. Asexuality is a pretty extreme diagnosis, especially given how little we know of her situation.

[naobot.livejournal.com]

Agreed. It's also an identity: something only she can decide for herself, so I feel like it's not our place to bring it up as a possible "diagnosis".

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

No, I was just waiting for the right person. Also deathly afraid of unwanted pregnancy so I kept myself away from the cause til I thought I was ready! :)
I'm pretty darn sure I'm not asexual!

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Are you expecting these 'amazing' feelings purely from penetration? If that is the case then you might be waiting for a while!

Basically, your vagina is (biologically speaking) a route for sperm to enter, and for menstrual flow and babies to come out. That's it. It's not full of nerve endings that provide instant pleasure, it's not a magic tunnel, it's just a passageway to and from the uterus.

So first things first, are you engaging in any other pleasurable sexual activity prior to penis-in-vagina stuff? By that I mean kissing, breast play, oral, mutual masturbation etc.? Arousal creates blood-flow to the genitals, and heightens sensation. If you're not horny, then anything in your vag is going to just feel like annoying pokiness.

Secondly, the clitoris is the second most important female sexual organ (brain comes first!). We have an organ specifically designed for nothing other than sexual pleasure, score one for us. Although it doesn't look like much on the surface it is the key to sexual pleasure for the majority of female-bodied people. It isn't just the little nub you see on the surface, it's a complex organ that can actually surpass the size of an average penis, but most of it is hidden under the skin along the length of the labia.


1) Basic diagram of clitoral structure*

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Clitoris_inner_anatomy.gif


2) Clitoral structures in context
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:EdSim_Clitoris_anatomy.jpg

Focusing solely on penetration and ignoring the clitoris is not terribly likely to lead to earth-shattering, screaming sex. Do you engage in any form of clitoral masturbation?

*diagrams from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitoral_crura

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your reply and the links!!! I will definitely check them out! I really appreciate you taking the time to be so thorough :)

[okamikaze.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know what you mean, no offense to my previous partners, but it wasn't until I started having sex with my current boyfriend that sex finally became amazing for me.

I can't really help you, unfortunately, because I don't exactly know what the difference was...maybe it was that we're actually in love, so the feelings are magnified...maybe it's because he's had a lot of...erm...experience pleasing women and he very much enjoys doing that.

Good luck!

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

It's quite normal, yes. Obviously, there's a pretty wide range of experience and sensation out there, but many people don't find vaginal penetration particularly pleasurable.

See, here's the thing: the inside of the vagina itself is not especially dense in nerve-endings, especially not past the first few inches. (This makes biological sense, when you think about it: if the inside of the vagina was as nerve-dense as, say, the clitoris, giving birth would be... well, nobody would ever want to do it, ever.)

For me, penetration really feels like... well, it's certainly not pleasurable, not by itself. If I'm extremely aroused and we've had lots and lots of foreplay and anticipation, I find penetration really enhances feeling and pleasure from clitoral and other stimulation and sort of... opens up and grows that pleasure, but by itself? Meh.

I had a lot of the same worries as you when I first experimented with penetration. I've since learned that it's quite normal, and that probably more female-bodied people have similar experiences than necessarily admit it, since our culture really blows penis-in-vagina sex into this HUGE BIG THING when really, it's just one small part of the whole range of sex and sexuality. In other words? Vaginal penetration isn't "sex." It's something you do during sex -- but it isn't actually The Big Deal our culture likes to make it out to be.

I don't think there's anything you're doing "wrong," though you are still very new to penetrative sex and it can take quite a long time to get to learn how to make it work for your body. The trick is to just keep experimenting, and make sure to include lots of clitoral stimulation plus whatever else works for you: nipple or anal stimulation during penetration and clitoral stimulation, for instance, is just wonderful for my body.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

our culture really blows penis-in-vagina sex into this HUGE BIG THING when really, it's just one small part of the whole range of sex and sexuality. In other words? Vaginal penetration isn't "sex." It's something you do during sex -- but it isn't actually The Big Deal our culture likes to make it out to be.

So much this! I find it really upsetting that there are people out there who consider themselves broken, or damaged, or somehow defective because reality does not match up with media/societal messages about sex and sexuality.

[nightfox39.livejournal.com]

I've got the same as you, but if I'm all warmed up and he gets me right at the right angle (at the back vaginal wall, towards the end) it feels great. But the conditions need to be perfect.

[xevv.livejournal.com]

But the conditions need to be perfect.

Does it need to be on a Wednesday?

couldn't resist.

[five-sunsets.livejournal.com]

I love you for making this commment.

[katscanx.livejournal.com]

Seconding the "right angle" part of this comment. Sometimes it makes a big difference, especially if your man's penis curves in a particular direction. Try switching up positions to see what you like or don't like. (Some angles can be really good, some can be uncomfortable - and some can make him poke you in the cervix, which you may or may not end up enjoying - it can be painful, though some women, like me, actually enjoy the sensation.)

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

I have noticed doggy style for me is painful. It bumps something in there that hurts!!

[archangelbeth]

Probably the cervix! If you get sufficiently aroused, the vagina will actually "lengthen," and may pull the cervix out of the way/to the side enough that it's not getting bumped in those positions -- but then again, you may have a cervix that is sensitive enough that any bumping would be unpleasant. It's okay to have positions you don't like! I pretty much ditch girl-on-top because it's rarely of use to me, and is hard on my knees (especially on the waterbed; it's better on a bed with more bounce).

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

haha I can't do girl on top b/c I can't put any pressure on bent knees or they pop out of place, VERY painful. He's a little disappointed haha

wow, I didn't know anyone still had waterbeds these days! :)

[hairballsplat.livejournal.com]

just penetration by itself does nothing for me. my brain has got to be in the mood, then there's got to be some erogenous zone being stimulated. even then, penetration is pretty much just about being THAT intimate with my husband...therefore a mental state...not a hey-my-vagina-is-really-happy state. the amazing part (orgasm-inducing) for me is clitoral stimulation.

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

YES! same for me! Thank you for your reply :)

[rustleofswing.livejournal.com]

I know what you're feeling! I've only come from clitoral stimulation, and often vaginal penetration is exciting for me, but more because of the act itself and how my partner is reacting than how it actually FEELS. You know?

There have been a good handful of times though where it feels great, but usually that's because he's penetrating me in a way that also is really stimulating to my labia, for instance. But mostly what makes PIV exciting for me is getting caught up in the moment, feeling his body on me, him orgasming, etc. Most of the time he makes me orgasm from manual stimulation after PIV, or sometimes before(just so ya'll don't think I never get mine!).

I think as long as you can make sex enjoyable for yourself in some way, then all should be fine!

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reply! I feel so much better knowing there isn't something wrong with me. I do enjoy piv sex, but mainly for the reason that I know he enjoys it a lot. I am finally able to orgasm through oral now so at least I'm satisfied that way!

[acharmedlife.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for asking this question, OP. And thank you to all the ladies who have responded... I have been fearing this very thing myself. I haven't had sex yet, but expect to soon, and so far, my experiences with vaginal penetration (digital) is just... numb. It doesn't feel bad, but it doesn't feel good, either. And so I've been terrified that sex will be horrible...

Anyway, the responses here have really helped me, too.

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

Glad I could help with the question and definitely got amazing responses! I guess it's all about the other stuff and not so much about the piv part, which is ok I guess, just never realized that that part necessarily wasn't supposed to be omg so amazing for the woman.

[devonrexlvr.livejournal.com]

You didn't mention anything about it in your post and I didn't see that anyone asked, but are you on hbc by any chance?

I found that one reaction to certain pills for me was exactly that, sex didn't feel like anything.

[popsicle84.livejournal.com]

I'm on "cryselle" for birth control. I recently got off Celexa (knock off of Lexapro) and am finally able to orgasm through oral, which I never could orgasm at all while on it. I just thought actual piv sex was supposed to be amazing. Judging from everyone elses' responses, I guess not!

[devonrexlvr.livejournal.com]

PIV can be amazing, but also it can not be, too. Missionary and "doggy style" usually have very minimal feeling for me, but when I'm on top I can get clitoral stimulation along with vaginal and orgasm - so of course that's my fav.
Don't rule out that the lack of feeling could still be a side effect of your hbc (as you saw with your other hbc hindering all orgasms). I started Sprintec and the month I was on it I had no feeling, did not get horny and couldn't get aroused even. DH and I had sex and it was like nothing, and we only ended up having sex twice that month. The month after I went back to Nuvaring and got back to normal - thank goodness.