On Celibacy

[shyshutterbug.livejournal.com]

Heh. I feel a little weird putting this out in a public forum.

So, I don't often do stuff like this, but this little...er, rant...was begging to be aired, and I figured VP would probably be the safest space in which I could do so. (I don't believe I'm violating any hard-and-fast rules, but if I'm wrong, please speak up and I'll alter or delete this.)

This is a bit of an extension of a post I made in my personal LJ a few days ago. I've been having a real problem with people on one specific issue, and I have to say it was therapeutic for me to get this out.

I'm not really asking for anything, I don't think, but any comments or thoughts on the topic are, of course, welcome.

I will be 22 in January. I am a virgin.

I don’t have a problem with this. Quite the opposite, in fact – I’m happy to retain the V-Card as long as I can.

I’m not a crazy person who wants to indoctrinate the world with any “abstinence is bliss” agenda or anything; celibacy is all well and good for some of us and not the answer for everybody, and I get that.

I’m far from ashamed of being a virgin, but I wouldn’t call myself “proud” of it either – by which I mean I don’t go around publicizing this fact to everyone and their mother. From a private perspective, I consider my virginity an integral part of who I am at my core. I realize that’s not a popular opinion, especially not here at VP, but it is mine.

My reasons for electing to remain celibate are extensive and messy and, frankly, irrelevant to the discussion at hand. (For the record, not one of them has to do with religious or moral beliefs.) Suffice it to say, they’re good ones, and if I were to begin a sex life right now, most of the rest of my life would completely fall apart around me.

For some reason, people think I have a problem with being a virgin. Worse, others think I should have a problem with it. When people hear I’m a virgin, the IQ of the conversation drops by about 25 points, and suddenly I lose all credibility on any “adult” manner in their eyes.

There’s a lot of talk about not judging people based on their sexual history and choices, but it seems to only apply to one end of the spectrum. There’s a lot of talk about embracing the “outer limits” of sexual lifestyles and practices, but next to none on respecting the fact that some people have a range of sexual interests the width of a human hair. Tolerance is encouraged at one extreme, while the other extreme is left unacknowledged at best, mocked at worst.

If I have to hear one more line of omg you’re such a prude oh grow up already tell us how you really feel but it’s really fun you’ll understand when you do it don’t take it so seriously it’s just sex for God’s sake, I’ll scream. Arguing the individual points is possible, but moot. Belittling my choice, belittling that part of me, by default puts me myself down. I am tired of it.

In my tenure in women’s health, I’ve counseled women for abortion #12, seen thirteen-year-old mothers, treated women who chose not to disclose STD status to their partners until they’d been reinfected five or six times over, and had patients who chose to have unprotected sex with multiple partners knowing the risks full well, and I did not deign to pass judgment on those decisions; what makes my choice so deserving of judgment and self-righteousness?

If someone hears I don’t have sex, I don’t want to be extolled for virtues I don’t possess, nor do I want to be condescended to like a seven-year-old with a crush who just can't wait to grow up. I just want my sexual choices to be respected as I respect those of others. It’s not an unreasonable request.

ETA: I want to thank everyone who's commented here. What a response! The dialogue that this has opened has been insightful and helpful for me. If anyone else wants to comment, please do, and for those of you who've shared your thoughts, thanks a ton! :D