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vaginapaginaThis is largely a cut and paste from my own journal. Having joined this group yesterday due to ;o) vagina issues, I have been debating posting/sharing.
Today, however, made this a necessity.
I know this is a raw post (and out of character for me), but I hope, well . . .
y'all seem like a great community of women.
On the upside, I AM still eating (recovering from an ED and should probably be eating a bit less ;o).
On the downside, I AM falling apart emotionally (and physically).
I just spent the last TWO hours crying, VERY rare.
I actually SERIOUSLY contemplated taking my own life (no more pain, no more docs, no more past, no more "hurting my family" with my injuries or decisions-in this case to wait for a doc who respects me), but, hey, my daughter is home.
Besides, I thought of an alternative. One that isn't so permanent.
So, next best thing, I told my husband I'm leaving-strangely, not because I do NOT love him . . . it's all messed up. For now, though, I stay.
Anyhow, this whole girly thang has me turned inside out. What could be a merely "complicated" situation has gotten all but impossible.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD!!!!!!!!!!!
Told what? Okay, I was victim of a brutal, um, "sexual assault" when I was fifteen. I was cut in some not too choice places. Sooooooooooo this doc has badgered me about 1000 times for records after the SA--the PID, the repair. I told him, "NO!" I explained why; I explained again. One of the reasons is because I am involved in litigation about something where they would love to turn up something to turn me into a quivering lump on the stand. They have FREE REIGN on my records due to laws with no-fault. If I don't allow them records, they deny my claim; they would LOVE that. Yes, it has NOTHING to do with it. Well, okay, the thing at 15 doesn't, but this surgery could. I just don't !@#$% care to be interrogated about this.
I told him, "NO!"
I told him, "NO!" again.
I told his nurse "NO!"
I told a fill-in nurse "NO!" and she promised me it was a dead issue that they would let a dead horse lie.
So, why then did his nurse call back today to bug me for THE SAME RECORDS!!!???
So, this jokester has put off caring for me because he wants these records. Did he care about the fourth-degree lacerations (full-thickness) and the repair after I had my daughter SIX YEARS AGO? Um, didn't even ASK for the records. But, did he just HAVE to have the records from TWELVE YEARS AGO, insensitive prick (erhm, sorry)? Hey, I had a friggin vaginal birth AFTER this!!!! (ok, yes, I tore and have a posterior fourchette weakness, but, well?!?!?! maybe he ought check into THIS and screw what did NOT give me trouble!)
I mean he has just went on and on about this! Thanks for reminding me ALL about that doc. For making me feel permanently flawed . . . different . . . I don't know, just . . . WRONG . . . and NOT RESPECTED!
Told the nurse, "NO!" again and said one more word and I switch doctors! He needs to RESPECT my decision. He can even REFUSE to see me. BUT, he needs to leave this alone.
Told her the doc who did my birth didn't know, same with the doc who did the tubal ligation (er, well, until she SAW the damage with her own eyes). They treated me like I was relatively "normal"-k, they noticed some scarring, suggested counseling for what was obviously a major trauma. I'm FINE with that.
Furthermore, I told her, I will NOT EVER share this information AGAIN! My fears WERE REALIZED! They are treating me DIFFERENTLY! Talked about the respect issue. Reminded them about the refusal issue (three times and out doc--ethical).
Then, to add insult to injury, they treated me LIKE A CHILD and CALLED MY HUSBAND AT WORK AND ASKED HIM TO BE THERE TOMORROW after I already told them "thanks, but no, I can handle this on my own." He is !@#$% risking his JOB to be there!
Told hubby this MADE UP MY MIND! I may GO, but only to say I followed through, to get their "opinion," and then I'll go elsewhere for a "second opinion" and get the work done THERE!
Maybe y'all are thinking I'm making a big deal out of nothing too. My mom was baffled; my husband was baffled-that I would face up to a MONTH more pain for . . . what? Well, told them both that the obvious lack of respect for me and the lack of realization that this is MY DAMN BODY (hubby does NOT need to APPROVE of my hysterectomy, though he will--he told me today he had to approve the tubal ligation or they wouldn't have done it :O0 Whose !@#$%ing body is this anyway?! Obviously hubby and I decided this TOGETHER, just as we did this, but it shouldn't !@#$%ing MATTER TO THE DOCTOR WHAT MY HUSBAND THINKS!!!!! MY BODY, mine mine mine! At twenty-one I didn't quite understand that yet. I was still a victim. "Yes, whatever you say/think is best/etc." I had little regard for ME!, my needs . . . sure, I still consider my husband, my daughter . . . they are a "part" of "me," an important part of my life. Me does equal my roles and responsibilities . . . but I AM learning to take care of ME. My being emotionally devastated but fixed physically would do little for the good of ME OR MY FAMILY!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Besides, with my rare condition, I do NOT need a doc who does not respect my wishes. All I need his him bowing to the hospital and their expectation that since it is a teaching hospital such rare things ought be shared. Well, NO! I have issues with being in the lithotomy position (pelvic position) while TIED DOWN (pegged the anesthesiologist for not warning me and restraining me, normal so as no to interrupt the sterile field, before I was completely out--I mean I was BARELY with it, they were SHOCKED . . . it was reaction), free for the view to any they might choose to bring through. Just cuz I say "no" doesn't mean this doc listens or wouldn't pressure me before/after. I know of docs who disregard the patients' wishes when the cost seems to great to the "greater good." They just swear everyone to secrecy. Hey, not in this small town. People I haven't told have already heard of my anomaly (unicornuate uterus without rudimentary horn/uterus, missing ovaries on both sides).
Any thoughts?
Today, however, made this a necessity.
I know this is a raw post (and out of character for me), but I hope, well . . .
y'all seem like a great community of women.
On the upside, I AM still eating (recovering from an ED and should probably be eating a bit less ;o).
On the downside, I AM falling apart emotionally (and physically).
I just spent the last TWO hours crying, VERY rare.
I actually SERIOUSLY contemplated taking my own life (no more pain, no more docs, no more past, no more "hurting my family" with my injuries or decisions-in this case to wait for a doc who respects me), but, hey, my daughter is home.
Besides, I thought of an alternative. One that isn't so permanent.
So, next best thing, I told my husband I'm leaving-strangely, not because I do NOT love him . . . it's all messed up. For now, though, I stay.
Anyhow, this whole girly thang has me turned inside out. What could be a merely "complicated" situation has gotten all but impossible.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD!!!!!!!!!!!
Told what? Okay, I was victim of a brutal, um, "sexual assault" when I was fifteen. I was cut in some not too choice places. Sooooooooooo this doc has badgered me about 1000 times for records after the SA--the PID, the repair. I told him, "NO!" I explained why; I explained again. One of the reasons is because I am involved in litigation about something where they would love to turn up something to turn me into a quivering lump on the stand. They have FREE REIGN on my records due to laws with no-fault. If I don't allow them records, they deny my claim; they would LOVE that. Yes, it has NOTHING to do with it. Well, okay, the thing at 15 doesn't, but this surgery could. I just don't !@#$% care to be interrogated about this.
I told him, "NO!"
I told him, "NO!" again.
I told his nurse "NO!"
I told a fill-in nurse "NO!" and she promised me it was a dead issue that they would let a dead horse lie.
So, why then did his nurse call back today to bug me for THE SAME RECORDS!!!???
So, this jokester has put off caring for me because he wants these records. Did he care about the fourth-degree lacerations (full-thickness) and the repair after I had my daughter SIX YEARS AGO? Um, didn't even ASK for the records. But, did he just HAVE to have the records from TWELVE YEARS AGO, insensitive prick (erhm, sorry)? Hey, I had a friggin vaginal birth AFTER this!!!! (ok, yes, I tore and have a posterior fourchette weakness, but, well?!?!?! maybe he ought check into THIS and screw what did NOT give me trouble!)
I mean he has just went on and on about this! Thanks for reminding me ALL about that doc. For making me feel permanently flawed . . . different . . . I don't know, just . . . WRONG . . . and NOT RESPECTED!
Told the nurse, "NO!" again and said one more word and I switch doctors! He needs to RESPECT my decision. He can even REFUSE to see me. BUT, he needs to leave this alone.
Told her the doc who did my birth didn't know, same with the doc who did the tubal ligation (er, well, until she SAW the damage with her own eyes). They treated me like I was relatively "normal"-k, they noticed some scarring, suggested counseling for what was obviously a major trauma. I'm FINE with that.
Furthermore, I told her, I will NOT EVER share this information AGAIN! My fears WERE REALIZED! They are treating me DIFFERENTLY! Talked about the respect issue. Reminded them about the refusal issue (three times and out doc--ethical).
Then, to add insult to injury, they treated me LIKE A CHILD and CALLED MY HUSBAND AT WORK AND ASKED HIM TO BE THERE TOMORROW after I already told them "thanks, but no, I can handle this on my own." He is !@#$% risking his JOB to be there!
Told hubby this MADE UP MY MIND! I may GO, but only to say I followed through, to get their "opinion," and then I'll go elsewhere for a "second opinion" and get the work done THERE!
Maybe y'all are thinking I'm making a big deal out of nothing too. My mom was baffled; my husband was baffled-that I would face up to a MONTH more pain for . . . what? Well, told them both that the obvious lack of respect for me and the lack of realization that this is MY DAMN BODY (hubby does NOT need to APPROVE of my hysterectomy, though he will--he told me today he had to approve the tubal ligation or they wouldn't have done it :O0 Whose !@#$%ing body is this anyway?! Obviously hubby and I decided this TOGETHER, just as we did this, but it shouldn't !@#$%ing MATTER TO THE DOCTOR WHAT MY HUSBAND THINKS!!!!! MY BODY, mine mine mine! At twenty-one I didn't quite understand that yet. I was still a victim. "Yes, whatever you say/think is best/etc." I had little regard for ME!, my needs . . . sure, I still consider my husband, my daughter . . . they are a "part" of "me," an important part of my life. Me does equal my roles and responsibilities . . . but I AM learning to take care of ME. My being emotionally devastated but fixed physically would do little for the good of ME OR MY FAMILY!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Besides, with my rare condition, I do NOT need a doc who does not respect my wishes. All I need his him bowing to the hospital and their expectation that since it is a teaching hospital such rare things ought be shared. Well, NO! I have issues with being in the lithotomy position (pelvic position) while TIED DOWN (pegged the anesthesiologist for not warning me and restraining me, normal so as no to interrupt the sterile field, before I was completely out--I mean I was BARELY with it, they were SHOCKED . . . it was reaction), free for the view to any they might choose to bring through. Just cuz I say "no" doesn't mean this doc listens or wouldn't pressure me before/after. I know of docs who disregard the patients' wishes when the cost seems to great to the "greater good." They just swear everyone to secrecy. Hey, not in this small town. People I haven't told have already heard of my anomaly (unicornuate uterus without rudimentary horn/uterus, missing ovaries on both sides).
Any thoughts?
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no subject
Date: 2002-02-06 02:30 pm (UTC)WOW!
Date: 2002-02-06 02:43 pm (UTC)What you suggested is WHAT I AM PUSHING FOR and what my family has problems with . . . grrrrrrrrrrr.
My husband gave me the guilt trip thing of putting him and my daughter through four extra weeks of this. OOOOOOOOOO, like I didn't think about THAT . . . and the pain . . . but I think more of my dignity, of being respected. This was the whole issue that drove the suicidal ideation into super mega over-drive, but also pushed me over the edge into saying !@#$% you FINE I will leave and put (him) out of his misery . . . and give myself a chance, better than dying, right?)! He got all upset, though. I don't go around saying such things. And I DID leave him just over a year ago (for abuse), but we got back together 6 months later.
Glad SOMEONE doesn't think I'm being a ridiculous child.
Thanks again.
Re: WOW!
Date: 2002-02-06 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-02-06 02:35 pm (UTC)BTW, the insurance thing is no fraudulent thing. Rather, I have several possible causes of my bladder "mass." The doc thinks endometrial tissue entered through the SA. I think 12 years sounds like a damn long time to "proliferate." I think the birth of my daughter and the lacerations could have caused it. BUT, I think it is MUCH MORE PROBABLE that the fractured pelvis did from where I was hit by a car while running. I've had bladder symptoms from that day forward.
BUT, I'm NOT taking this issue into trial!!!!!!! Period. NO DEBATES NECESSARY! Therefore NO NEED FOR THE RECORDS TO GO TO THE ATTORNEYS! And I think the information from the laparascopy/tubal and repair post-baby gives ample insight into the whole vagina thang ;o)
no subject
Date: 2002-02-06 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-02-06 02:53 pm (UTC)DOH!
Date: 2002-02-06 03:20 pm (UTC)Typo. Nothing more, nothing less. GOOD EYES!! Glad you were realllllly paying attention. Okey-dokey, then, I have a unicornuate uterus. I have ONLY the RIGHT half and the RIGHT ovary (and right fallopian tube). Can you tell where MY mind is or what! Soon I will be missing BOTH.
Oh, btw, ;o) I coulda had invitro with a donor. ;o)
I'll go fix my error. Sheesh. I swear.
DOH!
Date: 2002-02-06 03:25 pm (UTC)I have a unicornuate uterus. I have only the right half-right half of uterus, right ovary, right fallopian tube. I'm missing the entire left side (a "rudimentary" uterus is more the standard). Also, the doc told me the ovary develops separately? Therefore, the missing ovary is a separate/additional anomaly. Okay, I'm a freak, but I did NOT manage to conceive WITHOUT AN ovary.
I feel super thick-headed for such an error.
Not only is this MY body, but I'm a nurse (don't worry, not working, though, since being hit by the car). One who apparently needs some MAJOR stress relief.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-07 11:02 am (UTC)The doctor is acting completely out of order. You are dead right to get another doctor, and to postpone the operation until you feel comfortable that you will be treated with respect, whether you're concious or not. I hope it all gets sorted soon and you can get treated properly (in all senses!)