vaginapagina | Thoughts on virginity.... (Reply)

You know, having read this journal for a while, it occurs to me that I seem to have had a fairly rare outlook on the whole virginity and sex thing. I NEVER believed that a guy had a right to put anything inside me, and I ALWAYS beleived an orgasm was my right, not a privilege. I didn't lose my virginity because someone begged me - I waited until I was entirely ready, because I firmly beleived, and still do, that was my right.

It makes me so, so sad that so many other women didn't start off with this point of view. Reading through all the bad experiences really does make me want to cry and squishy hug every woman it ever happened to. I can't imagine how different my outlook on sex would now be if I hadn't had that first good experience. It's kind of odd...I had a wonderful first experience, then later on had the "bad first time" experience that so many women seem to have, becasue I had been with the guy for a certain period of time and had started to feel obliged. It's weird that it kind of worked backwards that way for me...it still does too. I always start off a new relationship fairly demanding, I guess, then slowly get overwhelmed by a sense of obligation the more I care about someone. Despite my first time, I have been in situations where I really wanted to say no, but I just didn't...so I guess I can see both sides, you know? I remember how firm I was, but I also know just how had it can be sometimes to stand up for yourself, or even let the other person know you're not okay. I'm a naturally anxious person, so I can almost always think of a reason to stay quiet in these situations...luckily my fiance just can't hold an erection as soon as he notices I'm not entirely enjoying myself, and he seems to notice every single time. I wish I could clone him out so everyone could have someone that sensitive and caring, becasue there seem to be far too many jerks around per capita of lovely women.

But ANYWAYS, I've been thinking about HOW I came to have such a firm belief in my rights when it came to virginity. I was never "waiting for marriage" or anything as drastic as that, but I was VERY firm about doing it exactly when, and with whom I wanted. I think my mum had at least a part in this...she's always been very vocal to me about not letting men "push me around", and these talks started long before I was ever considering actually doing anything with her advice. She was never anti sex, but I remember her always repeating that there were certain rules that were crucial - *I* get the final say on what goes in MY body, It's NEVER too late to change your mind, and you ALWAYS make a boy "wrap his present" (her exact words). I think becasue these conversations started before I even started dating, the rules were already drilled into my head, you know? I think this says something for sex education...
It wasn't just my mother though. I think it was being a combination of being totally self righteous (my way was ALWAYS right until I got old enough to know better) in the way that only 18 year olds can be, and being lucky enough to have dated guys at first, that would never dream of pushing me to anything I didn't want to do. Perhaps my weakness for the quiet nerds saved me some heartache...I have to wonder if I had dated someone more demanding and aggressive at first, whether I would have been able to stick to my guns.

Were any of the rest of you as firm as I was? Until I decided I wanted to, there was simply no way that thing was going inside me, full stop. If so, I'd be really intersted to hear how you came to have such firm views. Perhaps if we can figure out the common factors we could learn how to teach the next generation how better to protect themselves, speak up for themselves, and if nessesary, kick pushy jerks to the curb!