The twenty items are: 1) I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible. 2) I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed. 3) If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered 4) My unresolved grief may surface in anger towards you. 5) I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption, and then validate them. 6) Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them. 7) I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family 8) I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be. 9) I am afraid I was 'given away' by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame. 10) I am afraid you will abandon me. 11) I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity. 12) I need to gain a sense of personal power. 13) Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences. 14) Let me be my own person...but don't let me cut myself off from you 15) Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent. 16) Birthdays may be difficult for me. 17) Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times 18) I am afraid I will be too much for you to handle 19) When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me and respond wisely 20) Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.
Obviously these come from a perspective that suggests many/most adopted children have attachment needs related to their adoption, regardless of the age at which they were adopted. I haven't actually talked to any adoptees about whether it resonates for them...the book was recommended to me by a therapist who has a lot of experience with adoptive families, and reflects some things I've seen with clients, but I'd be curious to talk it over with some adult adoptees. If you feel like sharing a response I'd be glad to hear it, although obviously not if you are not comfortable.
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Date: 2010-11-17 04:09 am (UTC)The twenty items are:
1) I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
2) I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.
3) If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered
4) My unresolved grief may surface in anger towards you.
5) I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption, and then validate them.
6) Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them.
7) I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family
8) I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.
9) I am afraid I was 'given away' by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame.
10) I am afraid you will abandon me.
11) I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity.
12) I need to gain a sense of personal power.
13) Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.
14) Let me be my own person...but don't let me cut myself off from you
15) Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent.
16) Birthdays may be difficult for me.
17) Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times
18) I am afraid I will be too much for you to handle
19) When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me and respond wisely
20) Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.
Obviously these come from a perspective that suggests many/most adopted children have attachment needs related to their adoption, regardless of the age at which they were adopted. I haven't actually talked to any adoptees about whether it resonates for them...the book was recommended to me by a therapist who has a lot of experience with adoptive families, and reflects some things I've seen with clients, but I'd be curious to talk it over with some adult adoptees. If you feel like sharing a response I'd be glad to hear it, although obviously not if you are not comfortable.