herpes + new guy

[random10.livejournal.com]

hi all, i've been reading this community for a long and never really felt the need to post. i created a new journal cuz i've had my regular one for a long time and i just want this to be secure.

anyway. i was diagnosed with herpes this summer. i'm 25. i don't know who i got it from, i've been pretty safe but haven't used a condom every time. i did sleep with a guy right before i had the outbreak but he has sworn to me many times that he doesn't have it, and we've been together since and it seems as though he is trying to protect himself, by being fastidious about using condoms. so basically i don't know who or where i got it from and that really just sucks. 

so in class (i'm a grad student) last week, i started talking to a guy and we really really hit it off. the past week with him has been really incredible. i've stayed over at his place a couple times but we haven't had sex, because i wanted to wait to tell him until we were closer and i didn't want to sleep with him without telling him. 


we first went out last saturday and i stayed over. on monday AM, i called my dr and got a prescription for valtrex, which i hadn't been taking before, because i wanted to make sure that if this guy and i did decide to have sex, he would be as protected as possible. 

so this morning i was over there and he really wanted to have sex, and i was telling him i wanted to wait. he was like, "why, do you have a disease or something?" and i just gave him a look. after a few minutes of me working up my courage to tell him, i told him i had herpes and i was on the medication and with the meds and condoms the chances of him getting it are really low. i hadn't wanted to tell him in bed like that, i wanted to do it in a neutral sort of place and time, but it didn't happen that way. so he was like "wow, that sucks, " and liked asked a few questions and went off to take a shower. after his shower he had a few more questions and then like he had to go to class, so we left. he kissed me goodbye. 

he wasn't rude about it at all, or mean or anything bad. but now i'm just so worried and upset about it because i really like him and he's like the first guy in a long time that i could actually have a relationship with, and we really seem to "get" each other and get along really well and there's definitely a lot of sexual attraction too. it just really sucks that i had to be diagnosed at this point in my life.

i guess my main question is, how to proceed from here. he said he'd talk to me later and i figure i'll let him have some time to think about things. i'm going away for the weekend so i'll be gone for a couple days which will be good if he wants some space. 

and i guess the other thing is, how do you keep yourself from beating yourself about stuff like this? i'm ok with having herpes, sort of. there's nothing i can do about it now except take care of myself and be responsible, but it's hard not to think that if i hadn't slept with that guy or this guy that i wouldn't have gotten it, and now that i've met a guy i really like, i'm regretting my past which is not a feeling i want to have.  he didn't make me feel bad at all, it's not him, it's me feeling that way. and i'm afraid that if he rejects me because of this it will be really hard to suppress those feelings even more, and i'l just really not like myself. 
 does anyone have any suggestions? 

Comments

[rose-may2000.livejournal.com]

Well If Ive learned anything from this site its that there are tons of ppl out there with herpes. That this kind of thing happens and sometimes even when your super careful. I think that it most likely is going to be a shock to him but if hes an alright guy it shouldnt stop something between you guys. *hugs* As hard as it is, dont berate yourself for past things youve done. That gets you nowhere.

[paperispatient.livejournal.com]

Regarding regretting your past, when I start feeling that way I try to remind myself that all anyone can do is make the best decision they can with the information they have at any given time. If I start regretting hooking up with this guy or not asking out that guy, I try to remember that I always do the best I can with the knowledge and feelings I have, and even if something less than desirable comes from something I've done (hurt feelings, an STI, a broken heart), knowing that I made the best decision I could and that I did whatever I did because it felt right at the time makes me feel a little better.

[archangelbeth]

Unless the guy you were with at the time got a blood test, he can't tell if he doesn't have it -- just so you know that the uncertainty really is all over the place. Many people don't get outbreaks, or get really mild ones. (Not to mention the ability to transfer a cold sore to the genitals if one doesn't realize what cold sores are. Which... I didn't know for the longest time, really. It's entirely possible it's good luck that I don't seem to have given my spouse my cold sore in an inconvenient place.)

It sounds like your possible-boyfriend had a pretty good reaction, all told. He's probably a little concerned about "okay, what do I say?" Just be calm, wait patiently for a while, and if it gets too bad, you can email him with something like, "Hey, I don't want to bug you, but it's really tearing me up inside that I might have driven you away. If I have -- can you email me about it? I won't make a scene or get all clingy, but the uncertainty is killing me. Hope class is going okay for ya."

But if he didn't have a freakout immediately, then it sounds like you handled it well, and he handled it pretty well, and patience may be rewarded.

I wish I had an answer for the other side of that. "Cold sores" are so much more socially acceptable to have, it seems, and can have been gotten when one was just a kid, from some smooch from a relative or a little friend or the like.

Good luck. It sounds like you're doing all the right things you can do, so don't beat yourself up by other people's bugaboos, yah?

[ahimsa422.livejournal.com]

As tempting as it is to feel guilty about this kind of thing, you don't need to beat yourself up over it. Everyone has regrets, but the thing to remember is that it's in the past now and it can't be changed so there no use getting worked up over it. Believe it or not, there are mature men out there who honestly don't mind dating a girl with herpes; maybe this new guy is one of them. Having herpes doesn't mean you need to put your dating life on hold; you just need to make sure you don't pass it on to anyone else in the future.

[ticklemepiink.livejournal.com]

Hey! I sent you a message... it was too long to comment here. :)

[aniu15228.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others. He sounds like a mature guy; he just needs time to absorb the news I think.

Also, please: don't regret being diagnosed now. If you hadn't been, you would not be able to protect your partners this thoroughly. It's unfortunate, but it's better than not knowing for both of you and any future partners.
The best of luck to you. :)

[sparks37.livejournal.com]

Don't beat yourself up about beating yourself up. I've had it for three years and it's been only recently that I realized I'm at a point where I'm actually okay with it. Obviously don't wallow about it or let yourself think that somehow you're less of a person, but don't stress about being sad or angry on occasion, especially so soon after your diagnosis.

Telling a new partner is never easy! I often find the conversation never happens when you plan it to because sex/conversations about sex have a tendency of being spontaneous. My general strategy is always put it off as long as possible so the relationship is deeper emotionally, but like I said, sometimes it just doesn't work like that. I hope everything works out for you!