Entry tags:

How to get over nerves about receiving oral sex?

I've been with my partner (cis-male, I'm cis-female) for almost a year and we have a wonderful relationship and active sex life... and I still can't get over my nerves about oral sex to actually let him go down on me, though he is eager to do so. I love going down on him and so I can imagine that he would earnestly look forward to returning the favor, but I just can't imagine that it won't be a turn off for him. One of my concerns is that I've NEVER had an orgasm. Oral sex is kind of the last frontier. Both PIV sex and being touched by my partner can both feel great, but intense approaching-an-orgasm feelings come and go pretty quickly, dissipating after a few seconds. If oral sex doesn't do it for me either, I am a bit worried that my partner (and I!) will be disappointed. How can I work on my own feelings toward this so that I can relax? I've been sexually active for five years (I'm 23) and I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with my body. No one is making me feel this way - every sexual partner I've had has been understanding and not taken my inability to orgasm as some kind of deficiency or personal insult, so this is coming from me.

I don't feel insecure or unsure about sex and I have a healthy body image, except for these few square centimeters in this one very particular situation! :-/

EDITED TO ADD: Aiming at orgasm isn't at all the object of sex for me. My partner and I have a great sex life, I think, and I am always happy to be intimate with him. I don't think about reaching orgasm, just enjoying the experience.

Thanks!

(no subject)

Does anyone else have trouble getting off with a partner? I started having sex when I was 19. I'm 27 now and I haven't had a single orgasm with any partners. I feel like every man I've been with thinks my vag is a penis and a few strokes is all it takes me to get me going. I can't come through PIV sex and I'm so jealous of anyone who can. I enjoy the sensation but it's not enough. Mind you I've never been in a long-term relationship so that might affect my comfort level, since most guys I've been with are usually a one-time thing or at the most it lasts a couple of weeks. Anyway.....some times I just want to have sex for the sake of having sex, especially when the guy is super attractive, but I just can't seem to come and I don't know how to instruct them without hurting their super-senstive ego. Not to generalize, but every guy I've been with seems to need some kind of reassurance that they're "doing me right" and I don't know how to say "no, you're doing it all wrong" without being rude, especially when it comes to educating them about my vag. Any suggestions?

or do you think this is somehting I can only achieve in a long-term relationship, where we have time to get to know eachother's bodies better and trust eachother enough to be comfortable to try anything?

Thanks!

Listening to your instincts

Hello everyone,

I don't have any questions today nor I'm actually offering some special ground-breaking advice, I'd just like to share my story which is about discovering that something's different with your sexual health from the majority and finding a way to solve it.

So, last summer I posted here, asking this:

ExpandOld post )

So, to summarise, I tried touching myself before, realised I never get any great response and so I gave up on masturbation (trying all kinds of suggestions: shower head, vibrator, finger, rubbing against pillow...nothing) thinking that perhaps I'm not aroused by the idea of my own hand touching myself and that it's going to be different when it's with someone else.

I've got many lovely, considerate and comforting replies but...somehow, I didn't feel like any of those suggestions have something to do with me, I just couldn't apply them to my situation. I had a feeling it's not *just* that, in a way someone knows their body and doesn't identify with the situation, you know? Funny to say that, because in my post, it obviously says that I wasn't (still am not) very familiar with the sexual side of my body. But sometimes you just know something is not as it's supposed to be, according to all the things you've heard/read/been told and you start thinking you're crazy.
I talked to my friends, and general responses were: "Oh you've got to be in the mood/be in the right mind-set" "You're not doing it right, did you try this/that?" "It's because you're trying too much, just relax and don't think about it, you're stressed out/stop trying to do it if it upsets you" "It took me long time to orgasm, why are you so worked up?! it will come"

But what most of the people didn't understand, is that I wasn't even talking about orgasm, I was talking about feeling certain pleasure those bits are supposed to give me. It's not supposed to be just nice and pleasant, like someone is stroking your cheek and that's it.

I've been googling like mad, trying to find similar situations but couldn't find any, maybe I was using wrong key words. I finally stumbled across a term 'clitoral adhesions'at www.the-clitoris.com which seemed to explain my situation.

So after months of feeling like a freak and deffective, I decided to go and talk to my GP. I felt really awkward asking such delicate question because it's not about yeast infections or rash or discharge, but it's more personal, more emotional. But somehow I managed to talk about wetness, fantasies, my clitoris, masturbation etc. She examined me and told me she can't see my clitoris and that she will refer me to a gynaecologist. In a way I felt relief that it's not just in my head and that my paranoia was justified, but on the other hand, I started freaking out that it's something that can't be fixed.

Last week I finally had an appointment and the gyno took her time. She told me they look at the women's health as a whole, from mental to physical. Again, lots of personal details, to the point that I started to cry but she seemed to understand everything I'm talking about, and she was able to finish my sentences or find a right word for me to explain something. After she examined me (which ended up being least embarrassing part of the whole visit, heh) she told me that my inner labia is not separated completely at the top, it's stuck together and thus blocking the clitoris and that's why I don't have access to it = not feeling enough stimuli. In the end, I told her about the term 'clitoral adhesions' I found and she said 'yes, that's what I'm talking about'.

As a treatment I've got an oestrogen cream that I need to massage in every day and hopefully it will work...if not, something else could be done I guess/hope. I have a follow up visit in 2 months.

What I'm trying to say with this post...we don't get to know/be told about everything when it comes to sexuality/our body, and as most of you know already, we are all different. But apparently, not just in the way that one thing works for one, different thing for another, or how it looks; shapes, colour, sizes, sensitivity, but also in a way that things are not always so straightforward and are perhaps not always 'good to go' since day one and have to be 'fixed' or 'edited' in a way, in order to achieve full potential.

I wish I had known about it long time ago so I could fix it and avoid all the frustration I've gone through. My 2 previous gynos never told me anything so I didn't have a reason to doubt it's physical.

So if you feel something is off and you can't find a reasonable explanation, don't just suffer quietly and accept it as it is, go around, ask friends, browse internet, use communities/forums like this one.

And if your GP/gyno waves it off, ask for second opinion, be persistent, if you don't care, no one else will.


Good luck to everyone :)
Entry tags:

Loss of sexual sensation

For the past several months, I've been experiencing an extremely frustrating loss of sexual sensation. My sex drive is still really, really high, I have no trouble getting wet, and I'm generally the initiating partner, but actual stimulation feels like...nothing. It's almost like my clitoris and vagina are numb. My partner plays with my clit and he might as well be fondling my elbow. Obviously I have an intellectual understanding that there's a penis in my vagina, but from a physical standpoint, it doesn't feel like it. I used to come at least once virtually every time I had sex (I've even reached orgasm through nipple stimulation and kissing in the past), and now I think I've reached orgasm from partnered sex (PIV or oral) twice in the past four months, having sex at least three or four times a week. I've been with the same partner for the past six years.

I have a Hitachi Magic Wand, and I'm paranoid that I have permanently damaged something through excessive use, or at least accustomed my body to an intense level of stimulation that's impossible to replicate without toys. I've tried to self-impose a moratorium on the vibrator in case it's the culprit, but I get so frustrated not being able to get off from sex that I end up reaching for it afterward. However, I've found that it's even become difficult to get off using the vibrator. And I've never been very good at reaching orgasm through plain old masturbating-by-hand, and at this point it takes so much time and external stimuli (porn or erotica) that it's not worth the effort.

I was thinking part of this was due to the fact that my partner has not been trying very hard lately, but I brought up my concerns to him and he began making more of an effort to provide prolonged, intense stimulation and really put a lot of time into getting me super aroused, but despite this, I still couldn't get off.

I'm not on any medication or birth control, I've never been pregnant, I don't have any issues with sexual activity (I would say I'm less sexually inhibited now than I've ever been), and I would say my general stress level is at an all-time low. I don't understand what could be causing this or how to fix it--does anyone have any insight?
Entry tags:

Vaginal Orgasms versus Clitoral Orgasms

Question: How many of you have vaginal orgasms from intercourse?

I've been wondering how prevalent orgasms during intercourse are. I've always thought vaginal orgasms weren't very common, that women mainly orgasm from clitoral stimulation. If I orgasm, either during PIV, oral, or masturbation, it is because there is some clitoral stimulation.
Entry tags:

Lack of orgasm + unpleasant reaction to stimuli

Premise: I'm not used to experience orgasm (& it never bothered me too much).
Now, I've recently entered a LDR -I see him about 2-3 days every 2-4 weeks- and he seems to take my lack of orgasm as a comment on his skill. This has brought forth some discussion, after which he's incited me to try to masturbate touching my clitoris.

Problem: I'm 1-not used to this and 2-this gives me a weird feeling, a mix of pleasure (more like excitation) and discomfort. Can anyone help me resolve the problem, or at least understand what's not working properly?

EDIT: I did have orgasms -a few- previously. They just weren't related to anything physical.

Entry tags:

Types of Orgasm

I have some questions about female orgasms. It's difficult for me to put them into words, because orgasms themselves are so subjective, and even if we all agree that female orgasm is a "pleasurable release" or a "high point of sensation," it's impossible to know if what all women feel when they orgasm is the same thing... but here goes, anyway.


1. I'm very lucky in that I can have multiple orgasms from penetration alone. For the other women out there who are able to have multiple orgasms: how do you count how many orgasms you're having? I know this seems like a frivolous question, but I'm genuinely curious. Some of my orgasms are much stronger than others--the little ones feel more like a sigh or a little crest of sensation, while the big ones feel like the whole world is crashing down around me. Do they both count "equally," so to speak? Do you consider there to be such a thing as a half-orgasm or a mini-orgasm? Also, has anyone else had an experience where it felt like two or three orgasms sort of blended into one another, more like ripples on the same wave than distinct occurences? Would you count that as one prolonged orgasm, or several orgasms in succession?

I ask all of this because I find it very difficult to answer the question "How many orgasms did you have?" or "How many orgasms do you usually have during sex?" If I count all of mini-orgasms and all the orgasms that started to blend in to one another, I come up with a ridiculously high number. For which I'm very grateful--don't get me wrong! But I'm starting to think I'm counting wrong.


2. I've heard other women describe their orgasm as an experience that consumes their entire body, leaving them shaky and nearly unable to move, with every finger and toe tingly and trembling. I had never experienced an orgasm like that--at least, not until earlier today. I thought that in general, my orgasms were "smaller" or "shorter" than these mega-sensation orgasms that I had heard about. And yet today, after I had sex, I felt this extreme tingling throughout my body, almost like my fingers were buzzing, it was so intense. It was hard to stand up and I felt extremely giddy. Anyone have any clue why this happened? Why now, and not other times? (I can't think of anything we did particularly different than other times I've had sex). If you've had both the extreme tingly kind of orgasm, and other kinds, do you have any idea what makes the difference?

Thanks, everyone!
Entry tags:

Personal Position Preferences?

Hi again everyone, thanks for your replies to my last post! I was curious, since I'm experimenting, if any of you have any favorite positions for masturbating that help you with your orgasms? I'm trying what I've heard of before and seen in some films of just being on my back, but I've heard that a lot of other ways help you relax. I'm trying different things, but was curious what experience has taught some of you all. Post your favorites! :)

-Kim
Entry tags:

Masturbation..

Sorry if this has been brought up before.. I like masturbating but have never really felt anything REALLY good.. I mean, okay.. Yes.. I know the basics for it and all (I stimulate the clit).. I lay on my bed and sometimes use my vibrator on my clit and all and the MOST I'll get is a tingling sensation.. then I'll sort of tense..

Then..

Nothing.

Please help!

Sorry again if this has been brought up before.

XOX

Entry tags:

orgy

i've come to a relization today!
i have never had an orgasm.
i want one.
HELP ME:)
Entry tags:

cant orgasm during sex

Alright, I have no proublem having an orgasm, or even multiple ones... but I cant recieve one through intercourse. This has never really bothered me, but I have been growing curious as to what that may feel like.

I have done different positions with my partner, and although they feel REALLY GOOD, its more of this consistent, "nice" feeling, as opposed to the rising peak of an orgasm.

Is there any tips you can give me? Or can some people just simple *not* orgasm during intercourse?
Entry tags:

children's book: orgasm is like a sneeze?

Hi everybody,

I'm a sex educator (www.sexualityeducation.com) who's been enjoying reading vaginapagina for a while now. I'm finally posting for the first time -- but there will be more! I have a bunch of questions for this wonderful vulva-loving community.

So, the topic my partner and I speak about more than any other is female orgasm (hmm, maybe you could've guessed? :-)), and we're currently writing a book about the subject, which will be published in February.

My question of the moment is, many people have mentioned to me that as a child, they were given a kids' book about sexuality that said an orgasm is like a sneeze. Many people found this very confusing, and were quite relieved when they actually had an orgasm and discovered it feels pretty different than a sneeze! (My guess is that the authors were comparing the two because both are physical reflexes ... but it wouldn't be my choice of comparison!)

I'm trying to figure out what the book was that contained this comparison. Does anyone know the title? Maybe you still own it? I'd love to know exactly what it said, but probably if someone can help me figure out the title I can track down a copy of it.

Thanks for your help!
Entry tags:

Multiple Orgasms

I was wondering...what is the difference between a regular orgasm, and multiple orgasms?

I had my first orgasm when I was 15. I've had lots since then, blah blah blah. Basically, I'm just wondering:

When I have an orgasm, more often than not, I feel that explosion feeling, and then again, and again, and again. The "explosions" get lesser and lesser. Sometimes I just have like...one explosion. Those ones feel sort of lame and unsatisfying.

So what I'm asking is, are the orgasms I'm having multiple orgasms, or is that something else entirely?

Thanks.
Entry tags:

Lack of vaginal orgasms?

I'm 21 years old and have been sexually active for about 2 years. In that time, I have never once had a vaginal orgasm. Not from intercourse or masturbation. I've only achieved clitoral orgasms.

So my question is, is this even remotely normal? Do I just have a magically unsensitive vagina? Is there anything that can improve this situation?
Entry tags:

"twitching" after orgasm

I don't know what the deal is, but I've noticed that lately after I have an orgasm (clitoral..from masturbation) that I have this weird twitchy feeling near my clit for about 10-15 minutes afterward. It feels like a little nerve is sorta jumping around, every few seconds.
What in the world is this? It's just started recently, and it's bugging me a bit.
Any ideas?
Entry tags:

Sexual Paralysis????

^Sorry about the subject; I have no idea what to call this.

So, I've had much trouble over the years with orgasms. I've never been able to have them with a partner, not from vaginal sex, not from anal sex, not from oral sex, not from manual stimulation, my fingers or his, not with a vibrator during sex, not while I masturbate while he kisses me. While this is irritating, I have come to terms with it, and so has he, and it's not the end of the world. I am however, able to reach orgasm when I masturbate on my own (Oh how I love you, my dear WAHL!), so I know what my body feels like when I am "close."

Sometimes when I am having sex with the boy and I am on top (and I'm grinding on him pretty fast--that's the way it feels the best) I get this feeling like I'm close to being close (maybe you know what I mean?) and it feels really good and I just want to keep going so maybe I can FINALLY have an orgasm with him, but my body almost shuts down and everything I do slows way down and I couldn't go any faster if my life depnded on it. It's not like actual paralasis like I can't move, just all of my movements are VERY SLOOOOW, and unfortunately, that doesn't feel as good as going really fast.

Anyway, I have a couple questions. First, is this normal/does this happen to anyone else? It's not a problem from me when I'm masturbating, because I'm laying on my back and the buzzing is doing all of the work, so I don't even know if it happens then. Second, is there anything I can do to... stop slowing down? I really really want to keep going but I physically CAN'T and I wish there was a way to train myself to.

One more question. I know that vaginal orgasm feel way different for some women than clitoral orgasms do. Is this possibly what is happening to me? It doesn't FEEL like an orgasm, but then agian, neither did the clitoral orgasms that I do have when I first started having them.

Thanks for listening.
Entry tags:

Needs help in the orgasm department

I'm becoming awfully frustrated. I've fooled around and have had sex in my life several times, but I've never reached an orgasm. I do more fooling around than having sex. So could someone please tell me what would help me reach an orgasm when fooling around (getting fingered/recieving oral/etc). I've actually avoided masturbating for the past 10 days to see if that would help in some way.

sex toys/partner dissatisfaction

two things, both interrealated:

1) i can only orgasm the following ways: vibrator directly on the clit, manual stimulation (during sex or otherwise), oral.

2) in the past, this has never presented a problem. I tend to feel a little ashamed (dissapointed) that i can't get off w/o some kind of help, but i know this is completely normal. all of my past partners have been extremely open minded, and wanted me to do whatever i need to to feel good.

the problem is that my new partner is very threatened by sex toys. VERY. we are considering moving in together, and he has given me the ultimatum of throwing them away or not moving in. he has this stupid idea that i just haven't "tried hard enough" to orgasm the "natural way," he even seems to feel that when i touch myself during sex it insults his abilities. i feel like he is trying to condem me to sex without pleasure, and believe me, i've had enough years of that.
i respect that fact that he wants it to be just "a man and a women" (also, he is the only guy i've ever been with that calls it "making love") but his opinions about what i should be doing with my body insult me. you know what, i call it fucking and when i do it i like to come. period.
he seems to feel threatened by the fact that i have been with other men as well (even though he has been with 14 other women), he constantly obsesses about his penis size and his skills as a lover.
i've done everything i can to comfort him, and actually he is quite good. i just can't relax around him sexually, buecause i feel he resents me for what i need to do to get off. This includes the fact that i have to use lube to get wet enough, another blow to his ego.

What should i do?!? it really sucks that i've found someone i can be with, but he has such big problem with something i really enjoy. i am NOT willing to sacrifice my own pleasure to please him, and i am NOT willing t lie about what i like. i have never encountered this problem before (normally men think sex toys and masturbation during sex are hot) and have no idea what to do.

also, he's commented that i'm "too particular" about what i like. i give direction, because i know what i like. if he doesn't do things the right way i feel no pleasure. in my opinion, he should be glad for the help.

*another point that really hurts my feelings- he compares me to other women. they never "had that problem" and they all "came just from sex." i tried to tell him that most of them were prob faking, but he certainly didn't want to here that. i don't want to feel like there's anything wrong with me, and i didn't really until he made such an issue about this

i don't want to have to lie or fake it, we're all adults here (by here i mean my relationship).

EDIT: most of the assertions that he is controling are pretty much correct, although i would say it stems from a severve lack of self esteem more than anything else (ex. he's a cop, if that gives you any clues). i agree with the advice as far as not moving in, it's pretty muuch how i felt as soon as this issue came up. i mostly posted because i'm so hurt that he was able to make me feels ashamed of pursuing my own pleasure. i hope it's a feeling that won't hurt future relationships.

*********thanks for all the support, all of you guys pretty much articulated the things that i should have been thinking for quite awhile now. best community ever.