vaginapagina | Is sex like an addiction?

Some people banter about the term "nymphomanic" (or just "nympho" for short) when they really really REALLY like sex, but nymphomania (or "Hypersexuality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nymphomania)" as it's now called) is a (debated) psyhological disorder wherein those who have it do need sex like a drug, but as with drug addiction, get to a point where it's not enjoyable (there's no more high) and need it just to feel "normal" again. (Sexual addiction (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction) is different, but related.)

I can't say if your boyfriend's a nymphomanic, of course. He may just have a very strong sex drive (I know my husband's is stronger than mine lately), but if it's that worrysome to you, try talking to him about it.

I want to make sure that you realise that whether or not sex addiction is real, your partner never has any right to your body. Even if he is addicted, you are under no obligation to have sex with him when you don't feel like it. You always have the right to say "no", even to your partner. And if that doesn't feel like a viable option, uou have the right to leave the relationship.

Er, meaning, if he is scaring you with his advances and demands, talk to him about it. Don't necessarily bring up hypersexuality/sex addiction unless warning signs become obvious.

Some people can be addicted to sex and sexual gratification just like they can be addicted to alcohol or drugs. So, yes it is entirely possible. It can be a serious problem that requires treatment.

I think the normal need for sex varies from person to person, be it male or female.

If you are uncomfortable with the way he regards sex - it sounds like a serious talk is in order as well setting some relationship boundaries.

A lot of people just really really like sex, and there's nothing unusual about that, nor does it have to be an addition for people to want to have sex, or to be unhappy if they're going without it. Does your boyfriend know that you want to have a sex-less relationship? Because this sounds like something that the two of you should talk about.

I'm the same way you are- I can completly go without it. Maybe you are asexual. Try googling that, I know I had some links but I guess I didn't save them. Theres also an LJ community where you can get info, try searching for asexual. I don't care much for sex, I get nothing from it, nothing pleasing, so I've never ever seen what the hype is about.

I agree with

jasminelily.

I really, really like sex and though I can go without it (because of course I can just masturbate if I really want some physical satisfaction) I'd prefer to have sex on a regular basis, especially if I'm in a relationship because I a) just like it and b) like exploring that side of the relationship. Being physically intimate is just as important for me as being emtionally intimate.

I think perhaps talking about how you feel with your boyfriend would be a good idea, if you haven't already. Like some of the other comments mentioned, it's your body and no one as any right to it if you don't want them to.

For me it'd be difficult to go from having sex to having no sex because we've have it before and I know what it's like, so it's tempting to want it, if you get what I mean. I guess it's probably a bit easier to have a sex-less relationship if you've never had sex with that person before.

I hope you don't mind, but this intrigued me, so I asked my mate for his thoughts. Boy and I saw this matter a bit differently.. Myself tending to echo

__recidivists sentiments, but a bit more harshly.. but I see the bad in everything, and from what little you've put down, theres no real way to gauge this against the relationship as a whole..

myself, I think his methods (it sounds as if he's trying to force you, nearly) are deplorable. if its simply a biological need, worseso. eh..but its the male perspective you might actually have soemthign to gain from, so relevant excerpt of his will go below..

(censored SN): well, i feel sorry for the guy. sure, his behavior isn't the best, but like she said, she knows him to be a nice guy. sex is.. well, the meaningful kind anyway, is something not just instinctual, but a need for the heart. i mean, the guy wants only her -that- much so it must be an expression of how much he loves and sees only her right? again alluding back to the stated fact that he's usually a nice guy.
(CensoredSN): maybe she can go without intimacy forever, but that makes me wonder if she really loves him as much as she thinks. cause like we know, intimacy is an even deeper form of affection and expression of love for one another. like you've said, it's as close as we can get to really melding together. i don't really understand how she can not want to express her love the same way.

Of course, boys a very idealistic sort, and tries to see the good in everything.. so try to be objective, and make sure it actually applies.. eheh. for the record though, he disagreed with the manner he acts out in quite severely.
Your post is quite brief, and it's hard to gain any real truth of the relationship from that, so don't be offended by my/our reservations.

We're far from experts in this though.. so.. just..you guys need to talk this out, and he needs to recognize that its your body, your say, and he WILL damn well respect it. You however, need to be -honest- with him. If you dont want a sexual relationship, don't let him believe one is a possibility. That isn't very fair. (which is how it sounds, from the post..if not, then void! though talking is still a good idea)

No one NEEDS to have sex in the sense that they will die without it the way they would without food or water. But some people need sex in order to be happy and satisfied and fulfilled in life, yes.

Like others have said, nothing gives anyone else the right to demand or take sexual contact from you. If you are having to fight him off, that is not at all okay.

At the same time, sexual contact is a normal, healthy part of many relationships, and especially if it has been a part of yours in the past, your boyfriend may not be understand or have fully accepted that you are no longer interested at all. While wanting a sexless relationship isn't wrong or bad, it is not what most people assume they are getting into when they become involved with someone, and not wanting sex is as hard for highly sexed people to comprehend as wanting sex is difficult for you to understand.

For that reason it's very, very important that you make your current desires extremely clear to your boyfriend, and establish boundaries that you can both live with. If you don't do that proactively, and your boyfriend is not happy without sex, then the situation wil likely eventually blow up, and it could be very messy indeed.

From a personal perspective- I would say that I "need" sex. Not that I'd die without it, but I need it in the same way that I need emotional connections, friendships, loving familial bonds, and affectionate treatment, in order to be a content, fulfilled, happy person. Sex is an important part of my life, and I could not be happy in a relationship in which my partner did not want to have sex with me. Without regular sex I would be physically uncomfortable, mentally distracted and frustrated, and emotionally unfulfilled.

In that sense it is very much possible for someone to "need" sex. It doesn't give someone the right to force their partner into sex, but it is a legitimate need/desire for many people. Sex is, for many people, a need in the same sense as love and human contact are needs.

I second every word.

He needs a major talking to about his behavior, although frankly anyone who gets 'scary' just because you don't want to have sex is NOT someone I want around me--even as a friend--because well..it's scary! That breaks my trust in someone. No matter how nice someone is otherwise, I just couldn't deal with that and be comfortable with them--let alone comfortable enought to have sex. It sounds way too much like abusive potential and if he gets scary about that, what else is he going to get scary about down the road? People can be very two-faced like that but no matter how wonderful the nice side is, the darker side isn't always worth it.

The sexless relationship thing really needs to be talked over with him in a way that he understands. For me, that would be an end to the relationship. I have sexless relationships...I call them friendships, close friendships, etc. The defining line I see between what is and isn't a romantic relationship is the sexuality (even though at one point I considered myself asexual ;) ). Asexuality is a total valid position, but it's going to be very hard for a sexual person to understand and maybe something that isn't going to worth for them within a relationship.

From a physical standpoint, my partner says it's something like every 48-72 hours that penis pressure needs to be released and if it doesn't come from sex or masturbation, it comes from wet dreams. He describes it like a pressure valve building up during that time and it can be very uncomfortable for him. He would probably have sex 5x a day if he could.

Because of that and because it's something he enjoys and I like making him happy ;) if I'm not interested in sex, I'll do oral/manual on him....less pressure on me and he gets his pressure relieved ;)

As others have said, you really need to talk to him. You may find the best thing for both of you is to have a close friendship rather than a relationship. It's absolutely fine for you to not want sex, and you don't have to have it, but it's likely to mean you don't have a partner either. I can see why he keeps making moves - he won't realise that he's scaring you and he's hoping to seduce you. Unless you explain you are not comfortable with sex or sexual advances, he won't know, and will continue to do it. He's probably feeling rejected and confused and doesn't know why you're having less sex with him. You must explain how you're feeling to him.

Being afraid of your partner is a situation that needs to be addressed immediately.

At Planned Parenthood, one of the things they asked me at my appointment (they ask everyone) is "Are you afraid in any of your relationships?" It sounds like you are afraid of him sometimes -- and it doesn't have to be all of the time for it to be a problem. Can you talk about what's going on with a trusted person? A therapist, member of the clergy, guidance counselor, or a friend?

If by "fight him off" you mean that he physically grabs you, blocks your attempts to disengage, touches you when you don't want to be touched, or is threatening to you in any way, that is abuse and you need to put a stop to it. I strongly suggest you Google "cycle of abuse" and see if that's what your relationship looks like.

The problem is not going to go away -- he will still want sex, you still won't want sex, and he will continue to be abusive and demanding when those two needs clash. It's not your job to fulfill his needs. You can't keep forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. Please get help, TODAY.

Why do you assume it's just innocent seduction? Why do you assume he doesn't know he's scaring her? She used the words "fight him off" to describe what she's doing, and she described a switch in personality when he doesn't get what he wants. That doesn't sound innocent to me. He might very well be aware that she's uncomfortable, yet continue to be threatening to her. It's not her job to nicely explain herself if he is being dominating and coercive, and not paying attention to her signals. If she's "fighting him off", he's probably aware that something is wrong.

If you have reason to consider your boyfriend "scary", perhaps you should talk to him and, if that doesn't help, consider ending the relationship.

as several of us have said..yes some people need sex..not like they need food and water..but to feel close and intimate.

you say youd like a sex-less relationship....that makes me think you might be "asexual" or a person with no sexual desires/wants/needs at all. typically sexual people and asexual people dont do so well in relationships since either way..one of those people's needs isnt being met. no sex makes the sexual person very unhappy and sex makes teh asexual person unhappy.

if i were you ..id A) talk to boytoy B) look up asexuality (there is nothing wrong with it)

That's a fair point. If "fight him off" refers to pressure and physical danger, then the relationship needs to end. I find it hard to tell from what the poster writes, because one person's scary is another person's sexy. However, if she's not directly told him she doesn't want sex, she does need to do so.

P.S. -- I would recommend talking with someone else BEFORE you talk with him.

I find it important to point out that someone who is being abused is in the most danger at the moment they disengage from their abusive partner, and for the period of time immediately following the disengagement. Ask at any battered women's center.

I understand the importance of communicating with one's partner, but if that partner is abusive (physically or otherwise) the rules change. Abusive, controlling people don't react well when their partner brings up their concerns with the relationship. The OP stated that there was unwanted physical contact and that she was scared. I would err far on the side of caution. I disagree that she needs to tell her partner, I think she needs to tell a counselor trained in risk assessment of domestic violence.

He is being unacceptably rude about this and you should break up with him. Nobody is entitled to be this selfish.

As for "needing" sex --

Most people sometimes have the experience of really, really wanting sex. Some people have this experience frequently. On the average, men tend to have it more frequently than women.

As long as a person isn't harming anyone by really, really wanting sex, then there's nothing at all wrong with this.

On the other hand, there's nothing at all wrong with not wanting sex.

On the other other hand, it's not fair to expect a guy to be in a sexless relationship if that's not what he wants. If you don't want sex and he does, break up with him.

Either find a partner who also doesn't want sex or don't have a partner.

On the other other other hand (which is the hand I started with in the first place), nobody is ever entitled to be a jerk because they want sex, and he has been (and I suspect thinks that he's entitled to be, and so is likely to be a jerk in the future), so you should break up with him.

Just tell him that you two don't see eye-to-eye on this and will be happier with other partners.

Your boyfriend's thoughts on this matter bring up a couple of things that I think need to be discussed. The first one that really jumps out at me is that sex isn't always about love, and you can certainly love someone very much without wanting to have sex with them. Sex isn't about proving your love to someone, it's about mutual enjoyment. If you love each other and you want to have sex, that's great. But lacking a sex drive or a desire for sex isn't about lacking love for someone - and I wouldn't want the OP to feel she needed to have sex with her partner just to prove her love for him.

Also, this statement: "i mean, the guy wants only her -that- much so it must be an expression of how much he loves and sees only her right? again alluding back to the stated fact that he's usually a nice guy."

Being a nice guy most of the time does not, under any circumstances, make it okay to scare someone into having sex with them, and the OP said her partner gets "scary". While I agree that it is very important for the OP to clearly express her desire to not have sex with her partner, she should also never, ever have to "fight him off". If he's forcing himself on her or manipulating her emotions to get her to have sex with him, he is doing a terrible thing. He is not expressing his love and desire for her, he is doing her serious harm. Confusing passion with force is a dangerous idea.

I know your boyfriend means well and is only trying to help, so please understand that I am also trying to help by pointing out a few things that may not have occurred to him when he said what he said.

To the OP - please remember that sex should be about you as much as it is about your partner, and he never has any right to demand sex of you. He doesn't need sex to live, though he may want it very much. Even if he does want it, he has no right to take it from you without your consent. If you need any help with any of this, VP is here for you.

i would not say i am a nymphomaniac, but i do have a higher sex drive than other people
however this is how i see it
if i'm not having at least some sort of sexual relationship (not necessarily having sex as not everyone is ready to do that or has yet done that etc) to me they're my friend if
my boyfriend is my friend with whom I am having sex

My girlfriend is the same as you -- she told me upfront when we started our relationship that she doesn't ever plan to have sex -- and it's something I've been able to deal with okay.

However, if your guy isn't planning to respect your feelings, I'd say you should seriously start questioning whether you two are right for each other. It could be that he's one of those people who really does need sexual intercourse in order to feel complete, or that he simply isn't willing to go without it, in which case he needs to find someone else, because you shouldn't be coerced into having sex with him just because he wants it. If you don't want it, you don't have to comply with his desires.

ditto.

Is sex like an addiction?

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