vaginapagina | painful sex and orgasms

painful sex and orgasms

Hey everyone. I have three random questions which (I think/hope) are pretty unrelated.

The first is about orgasms, in response to the multiple orgasm post below. Forget multiple orgams; are there women who simply can't orgasm from intercourse? It took my current boyfriend 3 months of trying, but (unlike those before him) he succeeded orally and we haven't had much of a problem with that since. Vaginal, on the other hand, usually feels nice, but I've never felt orgasmy, if that makes since. Are there a lot of women like that?

Question number two... anal... any ways to make it less uncomfortable?

And question number three... sex has always been pretty painful for me. Mostly sort of a stinging kind of pain; we have to stop somewhat often, and the only way to make it stop hurting is usually to take a bath (the hot water seems to help a lot). I've gotten it checked out, but haven't gotten any good answers. It's not BV, 90% chance it's not endometriosis, etc. Could it just be that my boyfriend's a bit, well, large? Any other ideas?

Thanks in advance for your help!

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I am SO GLAD you asked this question. I'm seriously having the same troubles as you. . . I can't wait to see what everyone says.

Question the first: Not many women can orgasm vaginally. There are different statistics regarding this, and most seem to say that only about 30% of women have had a vaginal orgasm. Anything you've heard about a vaginal orgasm being more "mature" than a clitoral one is bull. An orgasm is an orgasm, and they're all great! And if it feels good (even if it isn't orgasmy) keep doing it!

Question the second: Getting used to anal sex can take time. The best advice I can give is to explore around there a bit yourself before having anal intercourse with anyone else. Fingers and small toys are a good start, and remember to use lots of lube. I find that having an orgasm before starting anal penetration helps me relax, and keeps me aroused enough to get into it.

Question the third: Do you use condoms? Perhaps you're allergic to latex or spermicide. Spermicide can cause a burning sensation, and washing it away gets rid of the pain. (There are plenty of other reasons why sex may be painful, but this is the first one that popped into my head.)

I soo agree with you, lots of lube, time and self exploration will help. Also make sure if youhad to go, you have done so before hand.. it can make it uncomfortable for both parties if you have not. also sometimes depending on the position you are in, it can make it more diff... Doggie is the most common, but missionary is also good for anal.. your also not putting any weight on your knees and backside and you can just relax while have sex.

If there is anything that this community has taught me, it is that SO MANY women have trouble orgasming from penetration alone. It is ridiculously common, and you are not broken. Check out some of the websites on the sidebar. The-clitoris.com is my personal favorite.

1. The vast majority of women all over the world DO NOT orgasm vaginally/from piv sex. It is a minority that can and do. For the most part, many women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm - either direct via manual stimulation or indirect through friction or body contact. I personally use a small butterfly vibrator on my clitoris during sex, as I need direct stimulation. You just need to find what works for you personally, and don't worry about what society thinks 'should' happen in the bedroom!

2. That's a tough one. Going very very slow to start, only allowing him in when YOU are good and ready, stopping if you feel any pain, trying again later, plenty of lube, ensuring your bowels are empty - all of these can help make it feel less uncomfortable and more pleasurable. It may be that he is too big for you, and you may never feel entirely comfortable. I personally find that keeping a small-ish dildo strictly for this purpose, and using it before anal can be very helpful. But you should never feel pressured to continue with something that is too uncomfortable for you.

3. It is entirely possible that your man could be a little on the 'large' side. From my own past experiences, and from what I have read over the years, excessive stretching from a too-large partner can cause the stinging you refer to. Perhaps having a leisurely bath together before sex might help relax and loosen you up a tad? Starting off with a toy, and/or fingers and plenty of lube, then moving up to himself when you feel ready can help. More frequent sex can help keep you 'stretched' - I know if I go too long in between, I get tight and it stings a bit when the hubby and I get around to it again...also the comment about condom and spermicide allergies is quite possible too. I am lucky, no latex or spermicide allergies - but I AM allergic to hubby's semen, off all things!!!

I hope you find something that works for you! ^_^

Thanks for your advice! I'll definitely try slowing down and using fingers. I don't think we could really have sex more often... it's usually about every day, and sometimes more, so I'd have to set an alarm for a 3am booty call to fit it in ;) Condoms did hurt more, but we both got tested and we've been going au naturel for a little over a year. How did you know you were allergic to semen? Semen always hurts like crazy, although I kinda figured it was the salt hitting the open skin from stretching.

I get intense itching if we have unprotected sex - then end up incredibly sore for the next week - like I've been badly burned both inside and out. We persisted for a year, thinking I might just get used to it, but it got worse and worse. We went back to condoms, and the reaction went away inside a week. So I went for allergy testing, and among my many many allergies, I am officially allergic to his semen...I have heard that it is actually not *that* uncommon to be allergic to your partner's semen - go figure!

In what way is it stingy?

If you use condoms or spermicide or lube it could be stinging from a chemical in one of those products.

Is it stingy like your nervous system? Sometimes that just happens. In my experience the only way to deal with that is just to experiment sexually to figure out what isn't stingy.

i have never orgasmed at all, and that's pretty normal as well. unfortunate, but normal, haha.

If it makes you feel better, I thought that way for a loooong time. Nothing ever really worked. It took my current boyfriend, who's ridiculously persistent, three months of 4+ times a week before it happened. No idea what you've tried, but I highly recommend high-energy boys ;)

I really think it has something to do with me, more than him. I've never gotten myself off, no one else has ever gotten me off. it may happen it may not but i'm sort of "damaged" down there, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it...

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no i mean... literally... damaged. like, i got injured down there, lol.

I'm 19 years old, I've been fooling around since 14 and masturbating since before that, its not that it doesn't feel really good, it does, I jsut never orgasm. And I'm ok with it. It's not really a big deal to me. I know it's normal and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't that's ok too.

I can't have PIV sex at all cos I seem to be too tight or I tense up too much so even fingers can hurt for me. I have read that one thing you might try if he is too big is start with a finger and move it in circles to slowly stretch the muscles without sudden trauma. It seemed to work for me but it didn't seem to last long.

I might be a special case though. ^^;;

So yeah. Don't worry about not getting pleasure from something, just do what feels good. :D

Hey there - just wanted to ask whether you've seen a doctor about this. It sounds like you could have vaginismus, where - usually for psychological reasons - your vaginal muscles tense up so much that penetration is impossible. Women with vaginismus often can't use tampons, insert fingers, or undergo pelvic exams. There is a difference between being tight, and being so nervous or afraid that the vaginal opening kinda clenches and seems completely shut. Feel free to ask more about vaginismus.

To the OP - sorry for hijacking your post!

That is not entirely impossible. I've often thought about asking about it but always thought it was just being too tight or whatever. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll bring it up to my gyn. :)

As to 3 - I have the same problem. He and I have a long distance relationship so we're only together for a week and a little every few months so with months on my own- I tend to return to a rather unstretched state, and by the end of the week I'm not loose per se, but its less uncomfortable. I think its just sometimes, you sorta have to get used to their body a little? I think that's possible.

Also, stinging- definitely with you there. I've found that i usually sting a little after, either from the stretch or the friction or whtaever else- a warm washcloth, if you don't want to take the time for an entire bath is usually pretty nice, too.

as to 1 - I think its strange that all depictions of sex in more or less common discussion/view say its common and likely and normal, but its sort of less common. A bit unfair I think. I finally got so frustrated i Bought a iVibe, left it off and had an experiment to see if I even could. And I can, but not with out some positions i"m not sure would be really practical with two.

Sex was always painful for me, and after trekking round to many doctors I was finally diagnosed with vulvodynia. I'm not trying to diagnose you, but it's just another possibility to be aware of. Google it if you're interested, and if it sounds like you, find yourself a gyno who has dealt with it before.

The vulvodynia ended up making my muscles really tight, and I was given glass dilators (basically big dildos)to insert with lots of lube and stretch myself daily. I have to put one in, put a finger inside it (it's hollow) and then push downwards gently to stretch the muscle along the floor/at the opening of my vagina. While doing this, I have to try and 'release' that muscle - let it relax. Maybe some sort of exercise like this would help you stretch out a bit.

I was unable to orgasm during intercourse for many years. It finally happened unexpectedly one time from, of all things, anal intercourse in the woman-on-top position. I think this position is intensely stimulating due to the anal sensation as well as the way you have to lean forward a bit so you get greater clitoral stimulation as well. Plus we had used a lot of lube, in the back as well as in the clitoral area.

For a long time that was the only way I wanted to have sex with him! But eventually I figured out how to get that same type of clit stimulation during regular intercourse. Almost always I needed to be on top to do it.

I loved anal with my ex. He had a smallish penis that was nice and comfy for that particular spot. We used plenty of lube, and I always made a point to consciously relax and "push out" slightly when he went to enter me. Also, I insisted that he go slooooooooow. He can insert a little ways, then tell him to wait while you get used to it and can relax again, then insert a little more... basically, he doesn't enter all the way until you give him the final go-ahead.

I'm with a new husband now who is very well hung, and while that is tons of fun for vaginal sex I have found it very difficult to have anal with him. We've done it but it's not comfy and I can't seem to orgasm that way any more.

I've wondered if there are ways of stretching yourself in that area... there MUST be, there are photos on the 'net of people shoving WATERMELONS up there for pete's sake! (Not that that is what I aspire to, mind you. *grin*) I think I may try and see if coniglietta's suggestion on how to do dialation works for the anal opening as well.

Just about number 3 - where is the stinging pain, exactly? Does it hurt all around the vaginal entrance, or just inside the vagina (both of which could be due to friction, insufficient lube) or just in specific areas (eg at the back, where the perineum meets the back vaginal wall)? Afterwards, does it feel like you're torn - if so, where?

It seems to hurt mostly around the vaginal entrance, depending. Sometimes it hurts at the back. Somewhere in the course of investigating all this (I gave it a year and then said I wanted it to STOP), they did an ultrasound with the scary vaginal thing, and every time they hit the back left part I just about screamed. They did a biopsy (which I REALLY don't recommend, as OW) and found some HPV-like cells, which doesn't really make sense because I can't think of anyone I could have gotten it from, so they totally dismissed the stuff inside. It mostly feels torn outside, to the point where I can't lie down (have to sit down touching a cool sheet, which helps some) and it occasionally bleeds some. My vagina doesn't work :(

Your reply to another comment made me wonder if too much sex might be the issue - once a day seems pretty frequent to me. But your answer here makes me think that it's a medical problem, and it could be one of the two problems I have...

1) vestibulodynia AKA provoked vulvodynia AKA vulvar vestibulitis (it's damn frustrating when the doctors keep changing the diagnosis! I use VVS for short). It means that little bundles of nerve endings, in particular spots around the vaginal entrance, are incredibly oversensitive. The nerve endings perceive normal touch as awful pain.

What you said about the left back area sounds familiar - but for me, the pain is equal on either side of the back (imagine the face of a clock, with the clit as 12 and anus as 6: the pain is at 5 and 7). For some women with VVS, it hurts all the time; for some, it hurts when sitting for long periods, during their period, and wearing tight pants; and for others (like me) it just makes sex painful or impossible.

2) it's also possible - maybe - that you have a 'skin bridge' across the back of your vaginal entrance. This wouldn't be your hymen, but an extra lip of skin stretching from your perineum and slightly overhanging the entrance (man, that's hard to explain). It could be splitting during penetration, and not having enough time to heal before the next time. If you look in the mirror, with a flashlight, can you see little splits or tears in the middle of the perineum / back of vaginal wall?

Hmmm. I think I'll just suck it up (no pun intended) if the pain's from too much sex :) I have a gyn appt soon, so I'll ask about VVS. It only hurt when it was touched, but at the same time, it might have just been sore from repeated thrusting at that angle. I looked with a mirror and didn't see anything odd, but I'll try again with a flashlight. Thanks for the advice :)

1- I can't come at all unless I'm touching my clit. As good as other stimulation or penetration is, I have to touch my clit.

2 - There was a great post on anal sex the other day that I think got added to the memories. My advice is to incorporate some type of anal play more often (a finger or tongue or small toy) so that you're used to stimulation and relaxation around your ass. Then it should be easier to relax and enjoy his penis inside you.

3 - Do you feel that you're lubricated enough? Any insertion before I'm wet enough makes it incredibly stingy for me. I use lube 80% of the time -- just not that naturally juicy! Certain dildos would always cause a horrible painful stinginess as well until I switched to all silicone. You may have a sensitivity -- there are silicone lubes you can try out (can't use them with silicone toys.) My first boyfriend used the natural lamb condoms and I have a horrible rash and reaction to those.

In terms of him being "too big" that's not likely. I figure, if I can fist a girl (inserting my entire hand into her) with enough lube and relaxation, the "he's too big" arguement doesn't hold. . . . I would discuss it with your doctor though, and take the advice of the other smart ladies here.

For some reason, clit stuff doesn't really work for me if there's penetration. It's sort of distracting. Odd, I know... I'll work on that more :) As for lubrication, I think I did develop an allergy to KY (owww), but the one we're using now is okay. I'm pretty lubricated; he always goes down on me before any penetration, so that's lotsa wetness.

As for the comment about anal play... TONGUE?! (I suddenly feel like much more a prude than I usually do, lol.)

Yeah, a tongue -- you can use a barrier with a little lube underneath to produce good sensations. It's incredibly sensitive, but only good if you like it and want to do it, like anything.

If you've cleaned carefully (with a washcloth or straight from the shower) it's all good with no barrier too -- only something I've felt comfortable enough to do with my current sweetie though.

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