vaginapagina | GYN Trauma

GYN Trauma

Yesterday, I went to the gynecologist for the first time.

Never having been sexually active, I was determined not to be at risk for HPV and the pap smear was deemed unnecessary. Yay, right?

Not so fast.

They still had to do a pelvic exam with the finger...a digital exam, right?

Is it normal to feel totally and completely physically and emotionally violated by the experience?

Nothing, and I mean nothing, had ever been, you know, "up there" before that point. I have an irrational fear of cotton balls, so shoving tampons up there was out of the question, and I have never masturbated (I'm not morally against it or anything, I've just never felt the urge).

It was all like "questions, questions, questions," and I'm like "I can handle this, I will just answer her questions," and then HELLO FINGER REALLY FAR UP MY COOTER. I have a problem with my right foot and every three weeks I have to go in and have a procedure done without any anesthesia, and it hurts less than this.

She was all like "OK, this is your cervix." I felt like saying "Hey, it's awesome that I have one, now can you let go? It's not a bottle cap, it's not going to come off!"

I was in pain for the rest of the day. I am still in pain now. There is no physical reason why I should be in pain.

How can I get over this? I feel like I have been violated. I'm not one of those people who's afraid she's "not a virgin" because something's been up there now. I know I'm still a virgin.

Also, my GYN thought maybe I should seek counseling because I freaked out so much and that she worries for my future relationships. Right now all four relationships I've had have been long-distance, that is, I longed for someone and he kept his distance. I didn't know how to communicate to her that it would be very different when I am with someone I love, someone I hope knows my body, something I'm ready for, and not a clinical exam with Dr. Periscopes-For-Fingers.

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counseling might be a good idea. what she did was routine procedure that's done at every annual exam. add that to the actual pap (with a speculum) and breast exam (done by the doc) and that's and that's what you have to learn to deal with every year.

There is nothing wrong with feeling violated if someone you don't know shoved their finger up your vagina, procedure or not.

I don't that was what they meant ^^;; Counseling doesn't always imply somethings wrong, and what could it hurt?

Uhm. I don't know what you think they meant, but what they meant was that she should seek counseling because she felt violated because a strangers finger was the first thing to be up her vagina. She doesn't need counseling for that, because it isn't a problem. She has every right to feel that way.

I'm not referring to whether it's a good or bad thing to feel that way, in fact I agree with you. My angle was simply to help cope with it the trauma of it. ^^ Sorry I didn't make that clear.

I find it odd that they didn't brief you on what they were going to do beforehand. But, I had a pap smear and full pelvic exam when I was a virgin. I don't think they believed me... but the doctor at that Planned Parenthood was a wacko anyway.

Likewise, I got the works the only time I went to the gyn, and I was (and am) sexually inactive. But I did go because I was having pain issues (which, can I just say, the exam didn't help with. Owie.)

Yeah, I went to get on birth control for painful periods, and I had just started dating someone new (who I eventually married! wee!), and wasn't sure how long we were going to wait until we had sex. Still not sure why they didn't believe me, though. :P

Before I went to the gyno, I read up about gyno exams on the internet, and since that first time I've gone... four times. One for a re-pap [because my pap smear was abnormal in some way], and three times for annual checks. Each time it gets easier.

Just remember, your vagina is a body part just like any other body part. A dentist has to put hir hands and a mirror into your mouth, a podiatrist needs to touch and examine your feet, any doctor has to interact with your body in which ever place the doctor specializes [that was such a terrible sentence, forgive me, I've had a long day]. A gynecologist can't examine your reproductive organs without touching them or looking at them. This I know because I work for one.

A pap smear is necessary to check for abnormal cells. Sexual intercourse is Not Necessary to get HPV, any touching of genitals-to-genitals can transmit it. Probably also genitals-to-hand-to-genitals, or something along those lines. Pelvic exams done with the hands are necessary to see if you have any cycts on your ovaries, which has little to nothing to do with your sexual history, and it's also good to know if you have a tilted or abnormally shaped uterus or ovaries or fallopian tubes. None of these things are done "just for the hell of it," they are all done for your health.

Now, would you want a dentist to tell you that your teeth are healthy without looking at them, after just asking you how many times a day you brush and how many sweets you eat? No, of course not! That's not an accurate way to measure health! Same with gynos, they can't tell you how healthy or unhealthy you are without checking out what's going on down there.

I know that genitals are often seen as "a special place" on your body or whatnot, but they require the same amount of health care, if not more, and healthcare can't be provided unless those parts are examined.

I hope this makes you feel a little bit more comfortable with gynos. Annual gyno exams are extremely important to your health, an infection that is left untreated could lead to, in the most extreme cases, cancer [from HPV] or infertility [from gonorrhea, chlamydia, or other bacterial infections]. Also, keep yourself informed about what the gynecologist is going to be doing during the exam, ask questions, read about the exam beforehand on the internet or in the AMAZING book "Our Bodies, Ourselves." Actually, I recommend getting "Our Bodies, Ourselves" even if you're not going to use it just for this purpose. It's a great resource for all sorts of information about the "girly bits" and most aspects of life as a person with a gender OR sexual identity of being female.

Regarding the HPV thing, I have had no sexual contact whatsoever.

I know how important these exams are, which is why I will continue to have them despite the trauma. I did study the process, though. I knew it was going to have to happen eventually, but there's a difference between reading about something and actually having it happen. For example, pregnancy and birth fascinate me, but while reading about what happens to a woman in labor may educate me, when I actually do have babies however far down the line, no book is going to be able to fully explain how I deal with it, how MY body deals with it.

I knew that I was going to have to have a pelvic exam. I apologize if the tone of my post made it seem like a surprise. However, I still felt very violated by the whole process.

I'm glad that this experience isn't going to stop you from keeping up to date with your healthcare! I guess all I can offer you is my good vibes and hopes for the best. Hopefully your gyno experiences will improve with time, and counseling would most likely help you feel more comfortable with the exam and the experience as a whole. Good luck, dear!

EDIT! (I deleted my post because of a major miswording)

As far as I know you do NOT need any sexual contact to get cervical cancer. I actually remember hearing on the news about how nuns needed to be educated more about pap smears since (they and apparently many other people) assumed no sex, no cancer.

From the first google hit for "cervical cancer causes" http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/cervical_cancer.html:
What causes cervical cancer?

The exact cause of cervical cancer is not known, but certain things appear to increase the risk.
Human papilloma virus (HPV)

Specific types of the human papilloma virus (the same virus that causes genital warts) are linked with 95% of cases of cervical cancer. HPV is passed on through sex and usually causes no symptoms at all.

Worrying about that 5% is what motivated me to get into the doctor. I was quite surprised that my mom the former ob/gyn nurse didn't have me see a doctor until -I- brought it up at 20 (virgin). Ha, and then the first exam I had the lady didn't even finish the pelvic cause I was in too much pain and apparently that 5% didn't concern her!

Anyway, I can definitely understand being taken aback by the whole process, but maybe try to see it as a way to feel as close to 100% sure as possible that you are reproductively healthy?

I agree with your gyn, try to find a counselor. Sounds like she's a really cool and caring dr. This is normal, I always expect a digital exam. Usually it's so they can press on your uterus and ovaries to determine size and look for any abnormalities; cysts and such.

I don't think you need a counsler. When I had my first pap I felt the SAME way. You've never done anything sexual and never had anything up there. I felt totally violated and uncomfortable afterwards, and I had already been masturbating. Shortly after the first pap I started a great relationship and was just fine with sex.

Plus, she didn't tell you what to expect, and all of the sudden you had a finger inside of you. That can make anyone uneasy. And I promise it gets better, it's never fun, but it gets easier.

same here.

it may be a matter of finding a new doctor. if she didn't go slowly and explain everything she was going to do before she did it.

i don't know if this is a possible option for you or not, but it's something to consider.

Agreed. My first pap was actually very painful but she was very understanding and explained -everything- she was going to do, and even let me touch the instruments she would use so I knew what to expect. [she didn't let me touch her finger though xD]

Personally, I'd say do talk to a counselor, but not the average expected definition of a counselor. I mean like some female you trust that is a bit more experienced, like maybe your mother, or who might've had a similar experience.

My initial thought is that your violation most likely stems from the doctors inability to give you fair warning to better prepare yourself. Like you even said, there is a difference between reading about something and experiencing it. She really should have communicated more, imo.

Having had a long term gynecological condition, I have had a number of pelvic exams by a number of different people. I can totally agree with feeling violated. For me, it depends on who does it and how they approach it. I have felt violated after some exams, and fine after others. I can empathise, and no, I don't think it's bizarre for you to freak out under the circumstances. Sure, some women might cope okay, but as you said, you've never had anything up there before, and I always preferred gynecologists who did what they had to do quickly, gently and sensitively without drawing me into the whole experience by having a conversation with me while it was going on. I can understand for some women this might be helpful; for me it's not.

See a counsellor if you freak out over sex. Don't feel bad about how you feel from your first pelvic exam; we all respond to things differently and I don't think you should be made to feel like there's something wrong with you because your first pelvic exam was distressing.

I would recommend finding a different doctor but I would also recommend working on relaxation techniques.

My first attempted pelvic exam was incredibly traumatic for me. It hurt like crazy and I don't think they actually even got the speculum open. I was virgin and had never been able to use tampons. I was (still am) a generally tense person, especially about my genital area (because of a past assault.)

It wasn't until the next year when I went to get my HBC script renewed that the doctor realized something was definitely not right. The first attempted exam that year had me jumping off the table. She had me come back after taking some valium. I still jumped off the table. She gave me a referral to my mom's gyno (she was a GP).

One look at me in the stirrups and the gyno saw the problem. I had an incredibly thick hymen and needed a hymenotomy before I could experience any penetration.

Even after the procedure I would still get tense during exams but I always had gentle, understanding doctors who didn't rush me (except for the health center one who made me hold the speculum in place for her) and helped me learn how to relax.

I am now no longer a virgin and my last pelvic exam was a total breeze. Relaxation and an understanding doctor is the key.

What was the hymenotomy like? Was it traumatic? I know someone who might need onen someday so I want to learn more about it.

Actually the hymenotomy was not bad. It was an out-patient procedure but I did have general anesthesia (I don't know if they do it with local but maybe some doctors do?). Basically my gynecologist made two or three incisions to the hymen so that it would be open. The worst part was the nausea afterward from the anesthesia.

The difference was immediately noticeable. I realized that for the first time ever, I could see my vaginal opening. I had always just thought I was small and tense and that's why I couldn't insert anything. It was a revelation in terms of getting to know my body. :-)

My first visit was horrible, she never asked my sexual orientation and went on and on about condoms and not getting pregnant. I was a virgin and when she did the exam it hurt so much, she broke my hymen and I bleed for the rest of the day, I felt so violated. The feeling lasted a few days, it was a big enough deal that my friends noticed and kept asking me what was wrong. Eventually it kind of faded, but I still feel kind of freaked out and intiminated everytime I go to the GYN for anything.

But this experience in no way affected me later on when I started having sex.

I hope it gets easier for you.

That's a horrible experience! Sorry.

I don't think you need counselling. A gynecolegist's finger should probably not be The First Thing That Ever Goes Up There Ever. Given that it was, and in an unfamiliar context, and since you are clearly not completely at ease with it yet, it would be unreasonable to expect you to be completely fine with it.

I suggest you explore your body a little, even if not for sexual purposes. It will be different with someone you love, particularly if they are very considerate and know what they are doing, but it may well provoke the same kinds of reactions from you if the sensations are completely new and frightening. Take your time to get to know your genitals in a relaxed, solitary context and it will be much easier. I also suggest you find a sympathetic gyn for next time, and explain your situation.

i don't have any advice or anything..

but i have a fear of cotton balls too. cotton balls and cotton pads. i'm fine with tampons because i don't physically touch the cotton stuff. but seriously, cotton makes the worst sounds in the world...and it feels weird. it honestly makes my mouth go dry and i get a strange taste in my mouth when i see cotton or touch it. i can't have anyone use cotton on me....even at the doctors, when they take blood, they use gauze instead of cotton.

If she did, in fact, touch your cervix, that could explain the pain. I get horrible cramping feelings when anything touches my cervix (pap smears are a DELIGHT) and sometimes it is so bad that I get nauseated. Just letting you know, that might be the reason for the pain if it does, indeed, feel like cramping. <3

she didn't inform you of what was going to happen, and she was obviously unsympathetic about causing you pain. you don't need counseling. you need a new doctor. and you should explain this situation to your future doctors, so that it hopefully doesn't happen again.

I generally have to really trust someone to have their finger(s) inside me. I have been very uncomfortable with some of my lovers touching me with their fingers -- penises and toys have never been an issue. Some of this stems from two assaults when I was younger, some of it is linked to boys who are clumsy or insensitive with their hands. It's also incredibly intimate. All this to say that I can understand how you feel.

However, I commend you for getting an exam -- I didn't until I was in college and a girlfriend dragged me. I'd had irregular periods since I was 15 (going 3-8 months between them.) I had a good experience then, but a negative one later when I was in my 20's that kept me away from docs until I was 30. I now have a wonderful doctor and have been taking care of my health for the first time in my life. I feel much more empowered about my body in general and feel less intimidated by doctors. I encourage you to find a new doc, talk to them, and keep at it - it's worth it.

I've found it helps me if there is more than one person in the room during the exam. I like being able to focus on another person, rather than have weird disembodied feelings from between my legs. Holding a nurses hand has helped me breathe and relax.

I second the poster who suggested exploring your body (sexually or non-sexually.) Get a mirror, take a look, explore. It will get easier as time goes on. Sorry you had a bad experience, if you can't shake it you might consider talking with someone about it.

Personally I think it's ridiculous she told you that you need therapy. I think a LOT of women or girls in your situation would feel the way you do. Whether or not you need therapy is something only YOU can decide!

The first time I had a gyno exam I had used tampons and touched myself but had not had a sexual partner. It was weird.

I think your reaction to the doctor totally makes sense. However, you might try touching yourself to get to know your body. It might make you feel better about your body.

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