vaginapagina | Is sex like an addiction?

The best thing someone else already said is this: Sex is a drug. In all other aspects besides chemically, sex is a drug. Some people can try a drug once, take it or leave it and it doesn't bother them. Others? The first tastes makes them insane. They need it, they desire it. They have to have it. People who wouldn't otherwise be violent or corrupt, liars, cheaters, stealers... become them. Sex can invoke the same qualities in people, only its less extreme.

I can have a relationship without PIV sex. I can totally go without intercourse. However I would need cunninlingus, fingering, groping... something... Do you and your BF mess around, or are you 2 totally non-sexual?

While I understand what you're trying to say here, I do think it's important to note that desire for sex, even extremely strong desire (like craving a drug), does NOT make force or coercion okay. It is true that sex can make people do things they normally wouldn't sometimes, but being able to control ourselves is what makes us ethical, adult, thinking sexual people. I'm only saying this to ensure that the OP doesn't interpret your comment to mean that her partner "goes crazy" as a result of wanting sex and therefore should not be held responsible for scaring her or forcing her into sexual situations, though I'm pretty sure that's not where you were going with this comment. :)

Sex is a good way to release tension, so when it's absent I think it can really throw people off. It also definitely releases endorphins and can be very relaxing. Not to mention it's very close and intimate. Many people really like to have sex (a lot) and your boyfriend sounds like one of them.

He sounds a bit selfish though, he shouldn't be acting "scary" about it. It sounds like you need to go talk about it.

Another thing - sexual addiction is a form of serious addiction that requires treatment just like alcoholism and drug addiction. If your boyfriend had a serious sexual addiction, I'm of the impression that he would be trying to find sex any way he could - meaning outside your relationship.

iawtc

There's a difference between "needing" something and being addicted to it. A person would not fault another person for needing to eat, but a person can be addicted to food and be a compulsive over-eater. However, if you starve someone, they will become more and more desperate for food - which is why it's an effective torture technique.

Obviously sex is not needed as much as food. And some people are completely uninterested. But it is a hunger and it does increase over time.

The way I feel about it is this - just as a homosexual person shouldn't try to date a heterosexual person because they're sexually incompatable, a person who is uninterested in sexual activity shouldn't try to date someone who is. It might not be easy to find an eligible asexual person, but it's not easy to find a good partner in general.

You may decide for yourself, but if I had a partner who didn't want to have sex with me, no matter how honorable I am, I'd probably end up cheating or being miserable or both.

Likewise.

Yup yup, it realeases chemicals in the brain. People can harp all they want about it being about love, but love is a chemical too- technically, we as humans are meant to remate every four years to procreate. Ever wonder why you have to "refall" in love? The seven year itch? etc. There are lots and lots of websites on this and information.

That said- if the boyfriend is forcing it, pushing, guilt tripping her, then it needs to stop.

I don't think she meant that coersion (sp?!) ok. I think she meant that it's natural for humans to crave that feeling. Forcing or guilting someone into haveing sex with you is never ok, but thats my opinion.

sexual addiction does not just imply requiring sexual contact - it tends to include needing sex often and from lots of different partners to the point where an individual is putting their health and lives at risk by having sex with people they don't know, who's STI status they don't know, often falling in with potentially violent partners, using illegal drugs and blacking out. The sex itself isn't the danger or even the addiction, so much as the pattern of (as Dr. Drew would put it) chaos in a person's life.

ABout the scary bit, though - that's not ok. If you're ever scared of your partner, that's (in my opinion) a really good reason to walk away. In my experience, it only ever escalates.

Your boyfriend is an abusive piece of shit.

Nobody NEEDS to have sex, either.

Good question. It's the first thing I wanted to ask as soon as I read this post. Not wanting sex does not automatically make someone asexual. There could be lots of things going on here that we don't know about.

yeah... i have problems with people assuming i'm asexual because i don't go gaga over PIV sex. or assuming that i'd go for PIV sex cuz i like other sexual things.

Both my partner and I tend to get cranky if we don't "get" sex regularly. Fortunately, our sex drives are so matched up that this rarely happens.

Being in a relationship where your sex drives don't align can add a major source of stress to the relationship. It can make one partner feel neglected/unloved, and the other feel like a piece of meat/pressured. It takes major communication and work to overcome this obstacle, because the only way it's going to work is with a compromise.

I think it's best to be discussing this with your boyfriend. The two of you have to decide if you are going to be happy with both of you constantly compromising. If neither of you is willing to budge, then it may be easiest to end the relationship.

Sorry if this sounds blunt at all; I've been in your shoes, and it sucks. My advice is to keep in mind that life is short, and there really are other options out there (in spite of what it sometimes seems), so only stay if you feel you "want" to... That is all. :)

Obviously, no one needs sex to go on living... it's not like air, food, water, or shelter. However, when people say they NEED sex, I think most people say it in a way where if they don't have it, then they feel their life in incomplete. Just like some people say they NEED their family and others want to have NOTHING to do with their family... It's a personal heiarchy of needs. Just like I said earlier... I may/can/will go without intercourse for long periods of time. But I sure do need some sort of sexual release whether it be kinks, touching, whatever. And I'm sure that when people don't get SOME sort of sexual release, they can be uptight, wound up, grouchy, depressed, etc.

While I don't condone your boyfriend scaring you and being abusive in any way, I believe he has the right to know that you want a sex-less relationship.

I agree!

Guys do not need sex. Their bodies will relieve themselves on their own if they go awhile without it. He WANTS sex and he's trying to take advantage of you. He doesn't respect you and you're in a very dangerous situation.

I'm just trying to give her an explanation for why he seems like he wasn't being himself. The desire for sex is often like the desire for drugs, and men (and women) can get a little down and dirty. Sex can be both about love AND carnal pleasure. If she feels uncomfortable with him, she should discuss it with him. Often time that is the way people are with sex. Good example, I, hate dirty talk. But some people just absolutely think sex isn't sex without some dirty talk... until you tell them it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I didn't know I needed to add in disclaimers that I condoned sexual coercion or rape ;). Just letting her know it doesn't sound like he is a jerk, just that he really wants/likes sex with her, and he enjoys it as a carnal pleasure.

Hi,

uterinelining. I'm writing on behalf of the VP Team to express concern that the attitude and/or wording above do not foster what we consider safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F) in this community. Specifically, we are concerned with your statement referring to the OP's partner as "an abusive piece of shit."

While we understand that you are trying to be helpful and supportive, we feel that your harsh characterization of the OP's partner is not likely to be helpful to her in resolving her problem. She's asked us for information, not for our opinions about her partner's character. It's fine to characterize his behavior as inappropriate if you feel that it is so, but it's also important to do so in a way that is respectful of the OP and her feelings, and that allows her to come to her own conclusion about him and his behavior rather than making one for her.

Please consider this a warning as well as a friendly reminder to take this opportunity to review VP's policies. You can find more information on safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F) in our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ), as linked here:

--What are VP's rules? (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_are_the_rules.3F)
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You are more than welcome to make a post over in

contact_vp or to contact us via email (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php) If you'd like to talk more about this matter or clarify any points; we only ask that you refrain from commenting further here out of respect for the OP. For that reason, replies to this thread will be frozen.

Jocey
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)

contact_vp

Yeah, I understand what you're saying - and if it were just about enjoying sex as a carnal pleasure, I'd be on the same page with you. It's just she said he's being scary and possibly forcing himself on her, so I wanted to clarify that enjoying sex as a carnal pleasure doesn't mean that sort of behavior is okay. Scaring your partner is not something that falls within the "normal" range of behavior, regardless of how much one enjoys or wants sex.

But I do agree that communication with regards to comfort levels and so on is very important, yes.

I agree with this.

Being a nice guy most of the time does not, under any circumstances, make it okay to scare someone into having sex with them, and the OP said her partner gets "scary". While I agree that it is very important for the OP to clearly express her desire to not have sex with her partner, she should also never, ever have to "fight him off". If he's forcing himself on her or manipulating her emotions to get her to have sex with him, he is doing a terrible thing. He is not expressing his love and desire for her, he is doing her serious harm. Confusing passion with force is a dangerous idea.

Um. Yes. Pray, where was this notion of forced sexual contact in any way supported? I seem to see many sentiments to the contrary, although admittedly, most are on my part, due to his vehemence occuring in the subsequent aim..post./.thingy.. i dont know what to call the individual text clumps. Oh well.

Like I said, it was just -his- perspective, not all of malekinds. But boy, like I said, tries to see the good in people, and is entirely too optimistic about human natures in general. Note the allusions to the 'nice guy' aspect. In general, if someone indeed does attempt to force himself on you, one does not persist in finding any aspect of the creature nice. 'Scary' and 'fight him off' can be interpretted different ways. On one hand you have physical violence, physical forcing, attempted rape. On the other you have mood swings, and verbal coersion. Since he does not know the OP, he has know way of knowing the way it was mean. As I'm sure you've at some time recognized, people are capable of exaggeration, or mis/vaguely wording, and not necessarily recognizing it.

Based off the 'nice guy' aspect, he saw it as the lighter severity end of the scale..which..is to say people can be prone to dramatic sentiment. (not knowing the op personally, they cannot be excluded from this consideration). True, this is a hopelessly idealistic way to view humankind, giving them the benefit of the doubt and somesuch, certainly not at all akin to my own cynical view of things, but since male perspectives in this com are rare here as far as I know, I thought to let the OP see and decide anyway, hopelessly forgiving or not.

Asto his perspective, he's highly emotional. The idea of loveless sex repulses him, so he doesn't view the world that way. Thus the beauty of perspective. I realize you're simply trying to uh..enlighten on these points, but really, were they not understood to be of HIS PERSPECTIVE, they would not have been laid out as such.

This being vp, it seemed obvious to me a great deal of the comments would relate to the 'FUCKING ASSHOLE GRR HE HAS NO RIGHT' sentiments, I didn't post the excessive disclaimers/explanations, they seemed redundant.

I would recommend (and kindly, so take no offense) reading things aibt more thoroughly. I'd not have taken such pains to explain the perspectives, the impressions, and so on were it not clear to me that without some context, someone would find something to get indignant over.

Oh, and if my wording/whatnots off, and burrowing into unforseen cracks in my comment are to occur, may we just skip it? I've a hell of a headache and a broken nose, and don't feel like engaging in any lengthy dramas.

I understand what you're saying - that it's just his perspective. However, saying "Well, he loves her enough to want her terribly. That must mean something!" is a bit of a slippery comment. On the one hand, you've got your boyfriend who, by the sound of it, really does love you and really does value sex as an extension of that love. On the other, you've got men who excuse the coercion of their partners (whether emotional or physical - neither is excuseable and the two shouldn't be compared heirarchically or as extremes on a scale) by saying that it's all because they love their partner so much or because she's so beautiful they just couldn't resist. Maybe your boyfriend is a bit naive in only seeing the good side, but planting the idea in any woman's head that their boyfriend is coercing them because he loves them so much can be a bit dangerous. It helps to normalize the abuse. And it's dangerous whether it's someone else's personal perspective or not. (On that note - it is some people's personal perspective that women who flirt or wear revealing clothing are "asking" to be raped. Absurd, I know, but still a similar line of thinking. I use this only to illustrate a point. I'm not suggesting that you or the bf feel this way.)

I think that's what MangoFandango was trying to say. It's a dangerous comment and it leans a little towards excusing. Maybe your boy's an optimist. That doesn't mean that his sunny viewpoint necessarily applies to or is right in any or all situations simply because it's a personal point of view (it also doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong). We need to remember that the sanctity of our own personal opinions and POVS really only exists in our own heads. Other people can, and will, point out perceived flaws. And the fact that the flaws are being pointed out in opinions does not make the criticisms any less valid.

Hopefully *that* wasn't too off. I'm having trouble being coherent, as well, after being hit in the ear at racquetball today directly following a fight with my *own* boyfriend. It must be an unlucky week...

Is sex like an addiction?

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