Afraid of Sex?

[strawberyfeilds.livejournal.com]

Hi everyone. I feel pretty silly asking about this, but it's been bugging me for a while now.


Okay. So I have some past issues. Body images issues are a problem for me for sure. My Dad recently apologized for his role in that. I've forgiven him. The issues are still there though.

Back in middle school (I'm a college sophomore now), a boy on my block sexually harassed me off and on for about 2 years. (He'd ask me for sexual favors.) We weren't in a relationship, he was just an acquaintance. Well, an acquaintance whose older brother bullied me and who took that role from his brother once he left.

The big thing I guess is that I was in an abusive relationship last year. I got into a relationship with a senior at my school. He was emotionally and sexually abusive. He sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions, and tried to rape me the last time I saw him. I stopped seeing him after that.

My problem now is that I'm afraid of getting into a relationship, and I'm even more afraid of having sex. I have this silly notion in my head that no one could possibly love me. All of this makes me very sad for many reasons, the least of which is that I someday want to be a wife and a mother.

Can anyone help me?

Comments

[hoodwink.livejournal.com]

First, don't jump into a relationship until you're ready...and even then, you don't have to have sex just yet. If you find someone you want to be with...and they are a good person, they will try to be understanding and patient and not pressure you to do things you aren't ready to do.

I think you should get into counseling. You need to talk about everything that's happened to you in the past and you need to talk about how you feel now. Talking helps I think. It helps you not just face your fears but you'll learn ways to overcome them and hopefully live a more normal life without so much fear. It takes time though.

You're not alone.

[petal-abstract.livejournal.com]

I've asked this same question to VPers before and they've always been extremely caring and helpful.

Another community you should check out is called _survivors_ which is for people who have survived any form of abuse. Everyione there is amzaingly supportive. I've asked them about the sex issue too. I've even gone to sextips for advice. BUt everyone has different fears and tiggers. SO the advice they gave me may not be the best advice for you.

However there is advice that goes across the board, survivor or not. Communicate you wants, needs and desires. Be safe. And be assertive. Its always ok to say 'No' to someone that you care about about if you feel uncomfortable. Go slow, and take your time.

But I just recently found out that once you find the right person it will click in a way that feels like second nature. Right now I am in a healthy relationship with someone that listens and goes at the pace I've set. And for the first time I have no fears when it comes to intimacy You will find the person that makes you feel like that in time. But not with out some hurdles.

Also please look in getting counseling. Lots of places offer free group therapy for abuse survivors, you just have to put some feelers out there.

Good luck and take care!

[casemerjy.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry that you've had such bad experiences in the past. I don't know how much right I have to respond here, being male myself, but the men who did that to you are scum and, were it within my power, I would hunt them down and castrate them... If there's one thing I can absolutely not tolerate its men who abuse women, because I've seen it happen too many times to the women in my own family...

I understand your concerns and fears, and they're natural for someone who has been through what you have. However, there ARE good guys out there. They can be tough to find, but they're there. I recently just started a relationship with a wonderful girl who has gone through some bad relationships in the past. We're currently taking things slow, and we're holding off on "intimate" relations for a while until we're both comfortable with it, which is how it should be.

As the previous poster said, it is important to be with someone who you care about and who also cares about you. If they are unwilling to accept your feelings and concerns, get rid of them IMMEDIATELY. There is absolutely no point in continuing a relationship of that nature and you will only get hurt.

Counseling is a good option, too. Being able to talk to someone openly about these issues is always helpful. The most important thing is to not let your fear hold you back. If you don't move forward than nothing will every change.

Good luck, and remember there are good people out there. With persistence and a little luck, you'll find what you're looking for.

[silentxsarecool.livejournal.com]

I don't have any specific advice, but I would say that a professional counselor could be a *big* help to you. They can teach you healthy coping methods and provide a non-judgmental ear to listen to any problems or concerns. You might look into your school's counseling services. Many offer free counseling sessions for students through their psychology or student support departments.

[lizziec]

My advice is basically don't stress about it. Things will happen natrually as and when you are ready for them.

I was sexually abused when I was younger and I found it hard to trust boys/men but I eventually got into a relationship I was comfortable with, where I implicitly trusted the other party and started to recover properly.

I found the stregnth to talk about my issues with him and he was understanding and didn't push.

It was 4 months before I kissed him *anywhere*. The furthest that relationship went was kissing on the lips, no tongues. When it ended it ended amicably and not because of my issues.

My second relationship I also talked over my issues with. After several months the time felt right and we started experimenting though there was no penetration. We did what felt right at the time it felt right.

My third relationship was with the man I got married to. He is incredibly understanding about my past and never pushed me into anything. It was over a year and a half before we had sex and then it was when I was ready and it was beautiful.

I still have issues sometimes and weeks where I just don't want to be touched sexually and he understands and waits until I am without pushing.

Body issues are harder to deal with, but I'm 19st and I have loved myself much more ever since I knew I had a partner who loved me for who I was and found me sexy and said so often.

I've rambled now. I hope this helps.

I firmly believe there is someone out there for you who will love you and find you sexy and have the patience to go with you on your journey of recovery.

My contact details are in my userinfo. Feel free to contact me if you want :)

[sand-woman.livejournal.com]

*hugs* of course you're afraid, that's to be expected. Take your time, talk it all out in counselling. But don't worry about the future! there's so much now ahead of you. You don't know how you'll feel in a year's time even - anything can happen and there are many years of a lifetime to enjoy. Take care xxx

i've been there

[lil-tree-frog.livejournal.com]

drop me a message on my lj if you want to talk

H

[oxygenwasteland.livejournal.com]

I went through the same kind of abuse all through my childhood until I was 15. ,so I definatly know how hard it is to trust someone. Because of all the stress from the abuse, I started dropping weight like crazy. So much that teachers would harass me and ask me if I was anorexic. This made me really self concious and hateful of how I looked. So you're definatly not alone on issues with body image, either. In fact, even the most attractive and secure women are often self concious of how they look, too.
My advice to you is don't rush into anything. Don't try to have sex with anyone until you feel totally comfortable about the whole thing. It also helps to talk. Before I slept with the person I'm currently with, I told him everything about the abuse that I went through as a kid. And he was completely understanding and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all the first time we had sex.