vaginapagina | sex negative parent

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sex negative parent

I was talking to my younger brother today (he's 19 and i'm 23) and we were having a conversation about our family.

He's one of the few people that i can talk to, honestly, and I think he's growing up to be a great guy. He's female sensitive and totally enlightened, I'd be his friend even if he wasn't my brother. I think we rub off on each other in that sense.

And there was something our mother used to say that scarred us both for life. As in, we both remember and it still find it repulsive and totally against out our relationship ideology.

When my mom would talk about anyone that was pregnant (and she felt shouldn't be), an example would be a teen mother, she would always say they "shit out a baby," or "they might as well just shit out another baby."

Why would anyone think that is okay to say? We put both of our minds together, and, we still can't understand where she was coming from.

Does anyone else have horribly sex negative parents, if so, how did that affect your adult life?

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I grew up in a family where my dad was quite if not homophobic, then definitely felt funny about gay and bi people. He just used to make off the cuff remarks about 'filthy gays' and 'queers' and things.

I still haven't told my father that I'm bisexual and probably won't ever tell him.

Edited 2008-10-28 22:41 (UTC)

My parents never cared much, and I'm attributing this to my beemah [maternal gma] having a shotgun wedding. My nana, on the other hand, just says racist things. Like, my cousin married a black man and she said it was disgusting and that the 'baby had better turn out white'. She was also pretty upset when my uncle married a little Indonesian woman, and he isn't even her son!

Well saying "shit out a baby" doesn't necessarily mean one is sex negative. Just kinda baby negative. I'm not saying that she's not sex negative, just that saying that one phrase doesn't make her sex negative.

My parents are pretty open about sex, so I always had a positive view of it.

It's not even necessarily baby-negative -- it may be more in the (probably false) stereotype that the child is being produced with no more "motherly" feeling or care than a bowel movement. That the parent was too lazy/incompetent to use birth control of some kind, and the implication that the child will be neglected to a large extent.

I don't think it's a good thing to say, especially if one doesn't actually know the people in question, but I suspect that's where it comes from. It's more negative to the mother, I suspect.

Exactly. I don't think of it as sex- or baby-negative at all, just... overall negative.

This. I mean, I've used the phrase in reference to *myself*, speculatively, in situations where that would be true: "Yeah, Jerry Falwell wants me to marry at fourteen and shit out some babies, and he can go piss up a rope."

I wouldn't say it about another person, but it doesn't necessarily mean sex-or-baby negativity, just a pretty cynical view of the situation in question.

My mom is very sex negative. She never once discussed it with my sister and I while we were growing up. However, she's randomly made remarks about how we should go "fuck our boyfriends" (when we were both in committed relationships). She freaked out when I asked her about going on birth control and randomly started enforcing abstinence when I was 21. I think she has some serious issues in regards to sex.

How could she enforce abstinence if you're 21?

She randomly told my sister and I not to spend the night at boys' houses because she "doesn't advocate premarital sex." I just loled.

O...kay, your mother is weird.

At 21? I would lol too. Wow.

My father was very homophobic and threw a fit when my gay cousin and his boyfriend were visiting because he didn't want my sister to "see that unnatural shit." :-/ My grandma always called unmarried women *who were pregnant whores and said she'd disown us if we had a baby out of wedlock... but she's also very old country so I dunno.

*edited to add

Edited 2008-10-28 23:27 (UTC)

(deleted comment)

Your stance offends me. Not all teen mothers have ENDED their life. It's neither a DEATH sentance nor a LIFE sentance.

My mother had me at 17, and has told me, my siblings, and everyone she comes across that if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me, she would be DEAD. She would have drank and drugged herself into the grave. Also, EVERYONE'S circumstances are different. My sister is 18 and just had a baby, and while I don't think she should have had a baby that young, that baby is definetely wanted and loved and cared for. I myself am 25, and while I would like to have a child right now, realistically I probably won't be ready for it until I'm closer to 31 or 32. EVERYONE is different in regards to when they are "ready" to have a child.

It depends on the teenager, and the situation, though. Yeah, the odds are stacked in certain directions, but... Not everyone feels like they're "missing out" on this, that, or the other thing. I "missed out" on living in a dorm, on living "on my own." I won years of living with the person I love greatly, instead. If one of those early pregnancy scares had been more than a scare, I'd have missed out on some things -- but I'd have managed on others, and maybe I'd have had the energy for two kids instead of just one.

I don't approve of people having kids without the resources to care for them, but... That's not "epic fail" of morality or whatever -- it's simply that it's a hardship on the kids themselves, who have to grow up in that. It's a pragmatic thing, a stacking of the deck. But some families get past it, and some don't. And some kids grow up in households that by all right should have had the means to care and provide for the kid... but emotionally SUCKED. *beth waves her little flag*

I think its important to remember that there are people here, on VP, who had children when they were teenagers. I don't think they deserve to have that labelled as an epic fail.

Its also important to remember that some people don't have access to contraception, don't have the education necessary to help them use contraceptives properly, or USE CONTRACEPTIVE AND GET PREGNANT ANYWAY. Even the most responsible person in the world can have an accidental pregnancy.

I bet there are children of teen pregnancies on here and I know there are pregnant teens. I can't imagine how offended they must be by your comment.

Hi,

televive. We're commenting because your attitude and wording do not foster what we consider safe space (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22Safe_Space.22.3F_What_does_.22empowerment.22_mean.3F) here in the community.

VP is not the place to be judgmental of others' pregnancy and parenting choices, period. Your comment is offensive and inappropriate in the community.

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Yeah my mother once started on about orgasms when I was like 12, and I was like just...UHH WTF.

200 mens?

At least she wasn't like... it's over NINE THOUUUUSAAAAANND!

...
...
...

I'm sorry.

My mother is kind of shy and a bit socially awkward, so talking openly about sex was not dicussed. Bodies and everything was fine, since she was a nurse.

Instead, she bought a book for me that was all about the birds and bees and then some when I was 12ish. We also went to a class together called "Growing Up Female" at the local hospital. It was very helpful, it made me want to get my period really bad!

I didn't need to talk to her about anything, really, I had the public library, the internet, and I was the one educating my friends about proper things.

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That is incredibly incredibly awesome. What's the title of it, if you don't mind sharing?

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Yeah, do it!!! :D I would love to see some pics. I used to take dance lessons, and have a vague memory of my dance teacher showing us a pop up book that had lungs, muscles, stuff like that..I wonder if it was the same one. If it was, she skipped the reproductively oriented pages! ;)

My parents weren't shy or anything, but I read early and so I found out about the whole thing from a book when I was eight. And then there was Judy Blume.

Never really *wanted* to talk to my parents about it, honestly. Just seemed awkward. I remember making my mom promise she wouldn't cry or otherwise freak out when I got my period, though, and her being pretty baffled:

"Why *would* I?"
"I don't know. All the moms in books do. It's weird."
"Well, rest assured that's not happening."

Hee.

Hearing these stories makes me feel so lucky to have grown up in a family who always told me, "No matter what happens, no matter your sexual preference, we will always love you." From about the time I could understand relationships and sex.

Me too.

Same.

My parents weren't sex negative, but they also didn't discuss it with us.

I think that comment, said like that, is just demeaning.

That said, in my neck of the woods we often say that it looks like a parent "shit the baby out" to mean that the chile looks remarkably like that parent. But it's totally said in a loving way, if that makes any sense.

My dad was very open. My mother hardly said a word. To this day, I conceal any hint of sexuality from my mother (I'm 23 and live on my own). My dad and I on the other hand can have a serious conversation about sex without batting an eyelash. I once accidently let it slip that I stayed over at my boyfriend's one night in front of my mother. I was HORRIFIED that I said it in front of her. Having my dad hear it didn't bother me at all.

I use the term "shit out a baby" if the person in question isn't really parent material, or if she seems really immature or irresponsible, or (in the case of my Jerry-Springer-fodder family) she's already proven herself a poor parent.

As to sex-negative parents, being baby-negative (lol?) doesn't make one sex-negative. My mother never told me a thing about sex. I'm honestly surprised I got such good sex ed from my Catholic high school. My mom is convinced that if you're married, you MUST have babies, but she won't believe that anyone unmarried is having sex at all. She didn't think my brother had lost his virginity until the day she found out he'd knocked up his teenaged girlfriend. (Did I mention the Springer-fodder? Haha.)

Anyway, IME, it didn't really affect me in the long run. I formed my own opinions about sex and relationships. Granted, it might've helped to have Mom to talk to, but I am smart enough to gather information on my own, and lucky enough to have some really good friends who helped me out when my own mom was being weird.

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tee hee. no good that you have suspicious feelings about men, that kinda sucks. but i can only imagine what you imagined!

OMG!

I have an aunt that used to say the same thing "shit out a baby". I was really young at the time and never could figure out what she was talking about.

I totally forgot about that until I read your post.

WOW

My family is very sex-negative. To the extent that when in college, I ran into one of my mom's friends while out around town. I tried to tell my mom the story but she flipped her shit -- because I told her that I saw her friend at a performance of the Vagina Monologues.

It doesn't affect me too much. I work in women's health and am on the maintainer team here at VP for more than 4 years now. I often wonder what my mom tells people when they ask her what I'm doing for work (because saying "OB/GYN" would be beyond her capabilities). :)

Whenever masturbation or lesbianism was on television my mother always commented on how "gross" it is, however, fortunately not at all anymore.

My Mom was very open with me about sex. I really don't have any negative experiences to share.

My husband, however, just might. His father's birds and the bees discussion involved popping in a porno. I know for a fact that his mother would kill his dad if she knew this. I can't imagine being 11 and watching a porno with dad as a sex ed lesson. My husband has stated that this effed with his head a bit as his first exposure to sex.

Maybe other dads do this, I don't know. My FIL is a bit on the weird/pervy side. He's the type who asks inappopriate questions like how his son is in bed, and if he satisfies me, etc. It seems he would only ask these questions when I was alone with him, so hubby and I have an agreement for that not to happen anymore.

FIL sounds a bit loopy to me. My grandfather (mom's step father) is like that sometimes too. I mean, I love him and all, but at my 16th birthday (I'm 18 now) he made an off-collar comment about something to do with my current boyfriend and tongues or something, and I flipped a lid in the middle of the party. I was so disgusted and embarrassed and I felt so..violated. So, good luck with all that.

My parents were paradoxically very sex positive and also very sick sexually (my father is a sex addict and my mom was co-dependently going along with some of his abusive shit and as a result I was very traumatized as a small child). So I grew up with some really awesome and some really terrible views and feelings around sex. I'd call myself intellectually sex positive, but emotionally sex negative - if that makes any sense at all. I'll always be grateful that my parents talked openly about sex to me as I grew up and that I knew I could always ask them anything about sex and they'd be honest with me. However, I could have done without the whole being exposed to sexual predators and child abusers without having any parental protection whatsoever.

I could have done without the whole being exposed to sexual predators and child abusers without having any parental protection whatsoever.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Thank you. It's sad how many people have had to go through something like that.

My mother's always been super weird about sex... I can't remember her ever really telling me about the "facts of life." She did tell me not to have sex until I was married (Catholic), and that she didn't until her late 20s, etc. She also kind of made fun of me whenever any of those kind of issues were brought up. For example, when I was 11 or so I had what I assume now was a yeast infection, and she had to take me to the doctor and give me the treatment, and I remember her just making me feel so embarrassed and patronized, when I now realize I had no reason to feel that way. I never told her when I got my period until a year later when she mentioned my younger sister had gotten hers (her younger sister got her period before my mother so she was gloating that I was apparently the same way) -- then I lied and said I had only got it a couple months prior. My mother's a crazy, highly hypocritical person though. I'm lucky it only took me about 24 years to get over it.

My mother and my best friend's mother once had a conversation, in front of us, about how "sex was overrated". I think it was supposed to be for our "benefit", but um, it was either a weird thing to lie about or a very sad commentary on the state of their sex lives, I guess, and it weirded me out. My mother also made me feel horrible for growing up - she cried on my birthday more than once because I was getting older, made fun of me for developing teenage interests, and generally made me terrified and ashamed. It didn't stop me from doing sexual things with my boyfriend, but it did make me have various complexes about it and major, major anxiety.

i use the term 'shit out a baby' and i don't think anything negative about it. it doesn't mean that i think the parent(s) aren't up to the job, or that the kid is 'shitty,' i just think the term is funny (i have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy).

somewhat related, my sister recently had her third daughter. her second daughter asked her if the doctor took the baby out of her butt. or told her, i forget which. but i thought that was funny too.

I come from a very conservative family, and i can say that some of that rubbed off on me.
I am not sex negative as I have sex with my fiance, but whenever I see a 14 year old girl pushing a baby stroller while texting on her sidekick and wearing a "this is why im hot" shirt I barf a little inside. yuck.

My family's sexual policy: don't ask, don't tell.

Height of sexual discussion: after each parent walked in on me masturbating (despite repeated requests for them to KNOCK AND WAIT FOR PERMISSION BEFORE ENTERING), they approached me a week later and informed me they would be knocking from there on in.

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