Herpes disclosure

[skeas.livejournal.com]

The recent post about herpes brought up some questions for me.

My question is: Is it always necessary for an infected person to tell a potential partner?

From a theoretical standpoint, YES! Yes, yes, yes! But consider a few scenarios:

You haven't had an outbreak since your first one--15 years ago. As most of us know, herpes is transmittable even when the infected person doesn't have a sore. However, plenty of us infected people just avoid sex/kissing when we have a sore, and the other partner is fine. Do you still let your partner know about an outbreak you had at 20, when you are now 35? Do you risk ruining the whole relationship (because people generally freak out when the word "herpes" in involved) over a nearly negligible risk?

You have oral herpes. Studies show that 80% of us have herpes antibodies, and might be carriers of the disease without even knowing it. Yet I've never, ever heard of someone fessing up before a liplock. Do you let everyone you are about to kiss know that you have oral herpes? I personally feel like everyone is aware of--or should be aware of--a certain risk that's involved with intimate behavior like kissing or sex. You could catch mono, a cold, the flu, herpes, et cetera. You do what you can to prevent it, but it's still there.

For that matter, is there a difference between disclosing about oral herpes (which you can write off under the more innocuous name of cold sores) and genital herpes? Do you have more of a responsibility to tell a partner about genital herpes? And why?

Comments

[beloveddoll.livejournal.com]

I had never even thought of telling someone I kissed that I have had cold sores in the past. I barely think about it until I get that familiar bump and start to panic because it hurts! But, my friend had never had cold sores and when she questioned her then partner about the bump near his lip, he said it was a pimple. Turns out he knew he had a sore and didn't want to tell her! She ended up getting sick and having massive fever sores on her lip and cheek.

Now, I try to think about it at all times when in the realm of lip lockin'. My boyfriend has never had a cold sore...and I had to tell him that I get them sometimes when i get sick. If I had genital herpes, I would most definitely tell my partner.

[laurapalmer813.livejournal.com]

I would tell a potential partner about genital herpes, because I'd rather have that up front. I'd rather have him leave me before we ever got intimate, than leave me after we'd been having sex and I had to fess up because I got an outbreak, because that would be a terrible betrayal of trust.

As for oral, I don't know. I'd probably tell him if I had a cold sore that he should stay away from my mouth. Otherwise I wouldn't unless it came up in conversation. I've never had one, but I think cold sores are the sorts of things that wouldn't always be on my mind.

[dictionaria.livejournal.com]

Well, I know that there's virtually no chance of contracting oral herpes when no outbreak is present, but I understand that the majority of people who get herpes contract it when their partner has no signs of an outbreak. (70% according to that commercial, which is urged on by profits, but viral shedding is apparently more likely with HSV-2.)

You're more likely to spread HSV-2 when showing no signs: "According to Spruance, people with recurrent oral HSV-1 shed virus in their saliva about 5% of the time even when they show no symptoms. In the first year of infection, people with genital HSV-2 shed virus from the genital area about 6-10% of days when they show no symptoms, and less often over time. (Both of these figures reflect shedding as detected by viral culture.)" (http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html)

That article goes more in depth and covers some more technicalities, but with statistics like that out there, not telling a partner about HSV-2 seems like a bigger deal, while the majority of people have HSV-1 anyway. It's mostly social stigma, though, they say.

[heysmilepretty.livejournal.com]

"You do what you can to prevent it, but it's still there."

Exactly; you do what you can to prevent it. For a lot of people, the right of knowledge of a partner's past sexual history is indeed a factor in preventing it. But that "right" is also a responsibility; if someone doesn't ask a person he or she is kissing whether or not they have oral herpes, that's his/her own fault.

[laurenmarie.livejournal.com]

honestly, i've asked boyfriends if they've ever had cold sores before. I'm 23 and have never had one, so either I'm immune, asymptomatic or i've never caught the virus. so i'd be kind of ticked off i was told no they did not have it and then popped up with one/i got one.

[deadlychameleon.livejournal.com]

If the person actually knows they have herpes. It's very possible to have and not know. I'd guess the vast majority of people that carry it don't know they have it. Honestly, with both HPV and herpes, condoms aren't terribly effective. I also wonder if maybe some strains are worse than others, so that people who notice have a really bad strain? So, all things being equal? If anyone told me they had them, unless I REALLY already liked the person... I'd probably exit stage left. Nonetheless. If you know, you tell. Some people won't care. Others might have immune issues (non-HIV related) where such things could be dangerous.

But yeah, I'd rather know up front than freak out when they mentioned it months later.

[tacky-tramp.livejournal.com]

Do you risk ruining the whole relationship (because people generally freak out when the word "herpes" in involved) over a nearly negligible risk?

Yes. You explain your situation, educate the person about the negligible risk, and then allow him/her to make the call.

If I were involved with someone, and found out that s/he'd withheld this information from me, it would be over instantly. Other people don't get to manage my STI exposure through silence and lies.

[frecklestars.livejournal.com]

Personally (and this is only me; I'm an honesty freak, almost to a fault): I would tell them about anything and everything. I wouldn't make a big production over it, but I would tell them. I like my partners to know almost everything about me (obviously not all at once). But my current SO knows everything in my medical history, plus familial and personal history. It's just a thing with me: because I've had a partner lie to me in the past about things he didn't think were important (i.e. unprotected sex with unknown partner, past possible sores, etc), I'm a bit of a freak about honesty in relationships. (Thankfully I did not get anything from said partner.) So basically, this whole thing is personal choice. If you don't think it ought to be known, then don't tell. *shrug*