Herpes question I can't find a straight answer to:

[manda-nut.livejournal.com]

Can some one with herpes still have sex??

It may sound silly, but no one has given me a straight answer on this one. And I didn't find it anywhere else on the community. I don't know which type of herpes I have (when I asked the nurse she looked at me all confused and asked "why does it matter? It's herpes"). I'm on a twice-a-day anti-viral. I've never had a sore in my mouth (or eye or nose etc.). I switched birth control so I only have my period 4 times a year with the hope that fewer hormone changes would mean fewer outbreaks. I'm not at all opposed to using a condom. And I haven't had an outbreak in months.

So what's the scoop? Valtrex ads on tv would have me think they're the only way I may not spread herpes, but it's still going to happen eventually (and I'm allergiv to Valtrex, damn them!). The "INTERNETSS!!!11" would have me think that I should just kill myself now because I'll never find someone to have sex with me. And I've already had one great guy stop dating me when I told him.

Thanks in advance!

Comments

[tornattheelbo.livejournal.com]

I think you haven't got a straight answer because there is no straight answer. In short: Sure you can HAVE sex, but you need to be alerting your partners that you DO carry the virus and that it could potentially spread, even if you're having protected sex. Then your partner needs to decide if he/she wants to proceed.

Some people will say 'no' and that's ok. Hurtful for you maybe, but that's their decision to make with the information that you give them.

(frozen comment)

[notknowhow.livejournal.com]

Just for the sake of spreading knowledge.

Herpies is a skin to skin STI meaning that by touching skin you can spread the desise. So even with a condom, if the bits that ARN'T covered by the condom touch, then it can be spread. This includes oral sex! so be careful! Perhaps investigate an oral guard if you want to play.

AIDS however, caused by HIV is a fluid STI meaning that it can only be transfered if fluid from an infected person enters the system of someone else. The amount of fluid varies. We're talking 4 litres of saliva, but one drop of blood, semenal fluid, or vaganal discharge can do it.
Luckily, condoms have been proven to be VERY good protection against HIV trans-infection. AND oral sex can't spread it!

SOOOOO, please think before you post a comment that compares the 'badness' of various STIs.
AND you wern't so kind to lepers either were you?

(frozen comment)

[cbackson.livejournal.com]

I think it was a good impulse (especially considering the way people often react to STIs), but it's important not to make people with HIV feel *more* stigmatized in the process.

(frozen comment)

[laurenoid.livejournal.com]

I can tell you didn't mean to be insulting and you have explained yourself well...but I wonder if there are people here living with HIV who aren't willing to identify themselves because this heavy, scary stigma still exists? Don't mean to point fingers, just a thought.

(frozen comment)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

We do have several members in this community who have identified to us that they are living with HIV; many others (myself included) have friends or loved ones who are living with HIV. And I would imagine that there may yet be others who have chosen not to identify their HIV status to us.

I agree with laurenoid that I understand you weren't trying to be insulting -- sometimes things slip out. However, even if there weren't members living with HIV in this community, one thing VP always focuses on is combating the harmful social stigma of STIs.

For people living with HIV, or who have seen a friend living with HIV, the implications of using the colloquial meaning of "leper" as "outcast" can be painfully familiar. People living with HIV are still denied jobs and still risk losing friends and family relationships if they disclose their status. For reasons of sensitivity, and in the context of VP's goal to discuss STIs without stigma, it may be best to avoid making such comparisons in the future.

(frozen comment)

[queensugar.livejournal.com]

I'm speaking to you now as a member and a person who has loved ones struggling with the stigma of HIV, not as a maintainer; I was not seeking further clarification on your statements, but rather commenting to clarify that not only are there members living with HIV in this community, but how some statements impact those of us who have loved ones who are HIV positive.

(frozen comment)

[pickleboot.livejournal.com]

um, last time i checked, hiv can be spread through oral sex. not protected oral sex, but fluid to fluid transmission in oral sex is possible. especially if there is a sore or open cut in the mouth. it is not a common means of transmission, but it is possible.

[jenmarie.livejournal.com]

I test positive for both HSV1 and HSV2 and have had a few people say they wouldn't be interested, but most of my friends say it wouldn't be a deal-breaker at all.

My husband is HSV2 negative, by the way. We've been together 10 years and have unprotected sex with each other. I do not take Valtrex or any other sort of suppressive medication. I have one daughter that I had vaginally, and am pregnant with another child that I will also be having vaginally.

Herpes is FAR from a sentence of sexual DOOM. About 25% of the adult population in the US has HSV2. More than 80% have HSV1. Both HSV1 and HSV2 can be either genital or oral, and can be transmitted to/from either location.

Trust me, 25% of the population isn't abstaining from sex due to an annoying recurring skin condition. ;)

And that's all herpes is.

The reason the nurse probably looked all confused is because I'm betting she KNOWS that herpes is really, really common and not that big of a deal and was wondering why you'd think you couldn't have sex. That was probably not the best way for her to make sure you weren't confused about it. *laugh*

Disclosure to potential partners is a MUST, and while condoms are not as protective with HSV (or HPV) as with most other STDs, they do help.

When you disclose, don't bring it up like it's this awful, hideous thing. When YOU treat it like it's not a big deal, others are much more likely to do the same. Just be armed with information, as many people have questions about it. You might get a rejection, but you might find that people are much more likely to be accepting of it when you know the scoop on it and can share info with them in a calm, laid-back manner. :)

Good luck!

[rkt.livejournal.com]

i'm going to be a bit radical and say you don't even HAVE to tell the person you're having sex with you have the virus. maybe you should. maybe you shouldn't. it's really you're call.
do unto to others. blah. blah. blah.

if you're asked, that's another story. and "forgetting" is not an excuse.

i have friends who have hsv(1) from loving family members who kissed them as babies. they've kissed countless people. no disclosure anywhere there. why should sex be escalated to a higher level? that just reinforces the "dirtyness" of teh sex.

[neaira.livejournal.com]

Are you seriously condoning NOT telling someone if you have an STI?

[rkt.livejournal.com]

how many people run around disclosing cold sores prior to make out sessions? they're quintessentially the same virus. hsv 1 and hsv2 just prefer to hang out in different areas of the body.

orally, it's far more visible and, thus, more immediately noticed.

i'm not saying what anyone should or shouldn't do - just an option that is less accepted because sex is taboo and kissing is less so.

[cabsy.livejournal.com]

More people than you would think ask about cold sores. I ALWAYS ask if someone has had cold sores before I will kiss them.

[suicidekitty911.livejournal.com]

i always, always tell! it never occurred to me not to.
hrm.

[speckled-hen.livejournal.com]

This, I think is a very good point.
I get the occasional coldsore, although I haven't had one for several years now, and come to think of it, I've not mentioned it to my boyfriend at all as it's not even crossed my mind.
I might go and have a rethink now I've read this post.

Location Location Location!

[primordial1.livejournal.com]

Actually not true;

You can have hsv 1 gentially and hsv 2 orally. Didn't so much used to be the case, but the times, it seems, are a changing.

[cbackson.livejournal.com]

In some states, knowingly passing an STI to someone that you haven't told in advance is assault. It may also subject you to civil liability.

Not a good idea.

[cbackson.livejournal.com]

I'll look back through my criminal law notes--we talked about it last year. With regard to civil liability, Dennis Rodman was actually sued for giving someone herpes without telling her that she was being exposed. It was a federal case (because they were from different states), but the applicable state law was that of Georgia, I think.

[laurenoid.livejournal.com]

Not sure if HSV-1 is considered an STI. My guess would be NO because that one so commonly manifests on the mouth in childhood. Like someone else said, most people have it in their system.

[ex-birds977.livejournal.com]

HSV-1 can be passed oral-oral, oral-genital, etc.

Both 'flavors' of HSV can be passed either way and either can cause oral or genital warts.

[askdrtroy.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you meant 'outbreaks' not 'warts'. HSV causes small ulcerations, HPV can cause genital warts.

[ex-birds977.livejournal.com]

Hey, mister-- I'm the English major, YOU'RE the doctor!! ;)

thanks for the edit!

[askdrtroy.livejournal.com]

No intent to offend, just wanted to clarify for those in the crowd that don't know the difference. I'm happy to see an English major in here, I'm totally anal about spelling and grammar. :D

[ex-birds977.livejournal.com]

I'm a creative writing major with a POETRY concentration so spelling and grammar are optional/arbitrary. I might not be yr girl :)

[laurenoid.livejournal.com]

I know, but I seriously doubt there could be legal ramifications for not revealing that one has HSV-1, as it isn't commonly classified as an STI.

[frankie-cat.livejournal.com]

then I wonder what would happen if someone got infected genitally with it?

[rkt.livejournal.com]

your guess would be incorrect. which is my point.

[laurenoid.livejournal.com]

I don't get how what I said supports your point, but what I mean is that HSV-1 is likely not legally classified as an STI, for the purposes of reckless endangerment laws or anything like that (discussed above.) HSV-2 may be, but I don't know whether either of them are, or whether there are even any states that actually have such laws.

[squeeblette.livejournal.com]

Sex should be escalated to a higher level because if someone decides not to mention that they have a life threatening infection or even just a chronic infection that they can pass to me, and I don't get to make that choice I'm gonna be SERIOUSLY pissed off when I find out...

Sex is not a one person deal, you need to be open with each other about something that could affect the other person's future

[laurensellscorn.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

Disclosing STI status is inherently a personal decision, but it's also an ethical one. Ethically, I think it is imperative that partners (in any kind of sex, kissing, or whatever) openly communicate about possible risks. I realize that isn't always the reality, but I think that is something to strive for.

I think the reason the stakes are higher with sex versus kissing is that the danger is also higher. Not necessarily with regards to herpes, though I would argue that for many people, genital herpes could be more painful and problematic than oral herpes might be (partially because of the stigma, perhaps, but also because physically, it seems like a more sensitive place to have painful sores). But definitely in terms of HIV, and other STIs, that won't be transmitted through kissing but could be through other forms of physical/sexual contact.

It's always up to the individual to make the decision, but in this case, I think there is an ethically sound choice and a...not-so-ethically-sound one, which I believe is what the OP is considering.

[ms-empathy.livejournal.com]

So you wouldn't be upset if you got an STD from someone who didn't tell you that you have said STD?

[ms-empathy.livejournal.com]

Oops, that should say "that s/he has said STD".

[rkt.livejournal.com]

it would be my responsibility to ask if i'm going to care.

[laurensellscorn.livejournal.com]

I would not consider anyone who would knowingly withhold information like that a safe, perhaps even stable, partner to be with. That indicates intention to harm if no precautions are taken, and that's often criminal.

But, I guess that's why you can't trust anyone and should get in for screenings before canoodling.

[earthstone.livejournal.com]

YES, you can have sex. your vaginal hole is not welded shut. though if you have sex with an outbreak, it can be rather painful, and your partner will most likely get the virus.

i have herpes,HSV-1(genitals) and i am in a relationship with someone who cares it too, i passed it to them. we talked about it for a while before we had sex, and did our best to not transfer it, but it still happened, even with condoms and no breakout.

you just need to be honest. and yeah, it sucks having to pause being hot and heavy and tell them, but its better to be safe and honest, than have guilt of passing it on without telling the person.

oh, and you should go back to the doctor and find out which kind it is. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can both be on the genitals or mouth.

[earthstone.livejournal.com]

CARRIES, not cares*

[notknowhow.livejournal.com]

"By comparison, almost all HSV-2 is encountered after childhood, when people become sexually active. Those who have a prior infection with HSV-1 have an acquired immune response that lowers - though certainly doesn't eliminate-the risk of acquiring HSV-2. According to one study (Mertz, Annals of Internal Medicine,1992), previous oral HSV-1 infection reduces the acquisition of subsequent HSV-2 infection by 40%."

Just a source.

http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html

-a

[squeeblette.livejournal.com]

people have already given you some fantastic answers which I second, and I just want to mention that a female condom, as opposed to a male condom tends to offer a bit more coverage of the genitals, and as such it might offer your partner a bit better protection from being infected

[tyrsalvia.livejournal.com]

My guess is that you have hsv2, though this is only a guess. The main difference between the types is that hsv1 tends to be less frequent and less severe - most people with hsv1 get outbreaks every few months to every few years, and they go away fairly easily with treatment, usually in a few days. To contrast, people with hsv2 often have monthly outbreaks (for many women, right when they star their period) that are difficult to control. It is vastly more likely for someone to take a daily anti-viral if they have hsv2, and so given that and what you've mentioned about your periods, I'm guessing that's what you have.

Hsv2 is a more serious impediment to a healthy sex life than hsv1 is, but it is by no means the end of the world. You will still find people who will want to have sex with you (and yes, you absolutely can still have sex)! It's nervewracking to tell someone something like this and face rejection, but people get rejected every day for worse reasons and you can be strong enough to move past it if it happens. Someone else gave you very good advice when they suggested you have a quiet talk with someone you like a lot wherein you present it as an issue but not the worst thing in the world, and where you come to the table armed with information and strategies.

Yes, you are less likely to get casual sex, but short of that most people who find themselves really interested in you will be willing to take the risk so long as you both do what you can to reduce that risk. My guess is that disclosure of hsv2 would probably cause rejection of casual sex by maybe as many as 50% of potential partners, but for someone who is interested in pursuing you as a real relationship, my guess is that the rejection figure is probably more like 5-10%. Love and communication are stronger than a stupid virus.

I know this comment maybe isn't the most carefree, but I think I'm giving you a fairly accurate representation of what potential rejection you might face based on my own friends and lovers who have talked to me about how they choose whether or not to reject someone based on STI-status.

[laudanumdream.livejournal.com]

To the OP... have you talked to your doctor to see if there are any alternatives to Valtrex that you can take? I don't know much about STIs or the medicines that come with them, but if people have penicillin allergies, there's usually something else they can prescribe. Perhaps there's another option? I'm thinking that you probably already talked to your doctor, though...since you know you're allergic...

Anyway, good luck with your search. I found this community seems pretty active. [Unknown site tag]

[laudanumdream.livejournal.com]

oops... the community can be found here (http://community.livejournal.com/hsv2/)

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Good call on hsv2.

For the OP, I'd also like to pass on this link from our Vulvapedia, in case it might come in handy for you:

http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=Herpes_%28HSV-1/HSV-2%29

[avenginglioness.livejournal.com]

Valtrex reduces the chance of spreading herpes, but it isn't entirely foolproof. I think the basic idea is to be on suppressive therapy, which you would be if you are taking an anti-viral. Would you mind telling me which one you are on? I'm really curious. :)