vaginapagina | Afraid of Sex?

Hi everyone. I feel pretty silly asking about this, but it's been bugging me for a while now.

Okay. So I have some past issues. Body images issues are a problem for me for sure. My Dad recently apologized for his role in that. I've forgiven him. The issues are still there though.

Back in middle school (I'm a college sophomore now), a boy on my block sexually harassed me off and on for about 2 years. (He'd ask me for sexual favors.) We weren't in a relationship, he was just an acquaintance. Well, an acquaintance whose older brother bullied me and who took that role from his brother once he left.

The big thing I guess is that I was in an abusive relationship last year. I got into a relationship with a senior at my school. He was emotionally and sexually abusive. He sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions, and tried to rape me the last time I saw him. I stopped seeing him after that.

My problem now is that I'm afraid of getting into a relationship, and I'm even more afraid of having sex. I have this silly notion in my head that no one could possibly love me. All of this makes me very sad for many reasons, the least of which is that I someday want to be a wife and a mother.

Can anyone help me?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Thanks for the response.

I am in counseling. I'm going every other week right now. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at talking about this stuff. I'm in treatment for depression (on anti-depressants too.) We mostly work on that.

I can't tell from this response, but it sounds like what might be happening is either that you or the counselor are avoiding the abuse issues and instead focusing on the symptoms of the depression. Kind of like treating the symptoms of an infection but not bothering about the anitibiotics.

I don't have the same kind of background of specifically sexual trauma as you, but I do have PTSD, and I found that until I specifically sought out a therapist who has experience and knowledge about trauma issues and trauma survivors, therapy for me went much the same way yours did. Oh, I'm sad. How do I deal with that right now? No one wanted to really deal with how the trauma affected me. Some therapists even said to my face when I told them I thought I needed someone more knowledgable in that area that "personalities are complex" so one has to "treat the whole."

Unfortunately in my personal experience, treating the "whole" meant ignoring the pink elephant in the room. It meant talking about my parents and my friends instead of my abuse. It meant writing off my panic attacks and other such things as difficulties or as needs for meds, instead of as PTSD.

Basically it meant never handling the real problem and assuming all causes and forms of depression have the same history and manifest in the same way.

If you're happy with your current therapist, or I'm misinterpreting, don't bother listening to me. But if you're looking for one kind of care, relating to your history, and getting a sort of generic care that isn't helping, you might want to look into people who specialize in trauma/abuse/PTSD type issues.

clarification: not that meds are bad, or not necessary sometimes, or not useful. just that when the idea is "oh, you have panic attacks? here's some xanax" but then never dealing with why you might have them, that's only so helpful.

Yeah. I think it's less a problem with the therapist and more a problem of me not knowing how to talk about it. That's why I'm looking into this sexual assault survivors group. Maybe it'll be easier to deal with these specific issues in a group setting.

That is a good idea. I hope that it helps you, if you do go.

If I can go. I'm at high risk of losing my scholarship right now, because of my poor acedemics, which I don't doubt is related to the depression and trauma last year. And if I lose my scholarship, I probably won't get a car. No car, not support group.

You may wish to bring some of these mental-health issues to the attention of your academic dean/the scholarship review committee/whoever would make the decision on your losing the scholarship, along with your therapist's contact info and possibly a letter from the therapist. Although there are academic-performance guidelines, the school may be able to work with you on this. Usually a school will NOT want to revoke a scholarship if a student demonstrates commitment and performance is impaired by other factors than simple "slacking off". Long-standing psychological trauma is a MAJOR other factor, and the fact that you're working on it with a professional shows a commitment to making your life better, and an ability to prioritize, that reflects well on you.

I was in a similar situation many years ago, and I know it's worrisome to think you're losing that educational chance on top of your other problems. But most schools really don't want to kick you when you're down; if they're committed to education they'll want to help you through this so that you can fulfill the promise they saw in you when they decided to give you the scholarship. Good luck.

They already know. I've provided all the documentation. It doesn't help that my school's judicial services found insufficient evidence, and he has now graduated. At least he can't bother me anymore.

*hugs*
Hmm...
How much does the school know? They might know that you've made accusations and can't determine whether or not these accusations are true.
On the other hand, you shouldn't need to prove whether or not what you said happened actually did in order for the school to give cut you a bit of slack on compassionate grounds.
You should only have to prove that your ability to study was significantly impaired due to reasons beyond your control. Distress over the whole process could be considered a part of this.

I've got a bit of experience with this. Uhm. This year I came forward about abuse that occurred to me as a child. Although I have gone to the police about it, there isn't any evidence other than my word on that issue. On the other hand, I've just finished applying for a waiver for late penalties for my psych honours thesis on compassionate grounds. Even though there's no evidence that says I was abused, there is evidence that I was very distressed and impaired. That's the main thing, at least at my uni.

Have you mentioned the assault to your therapist at all?

The school (specifically the scholarship office) knows as much as they're willing to hear. Judicial services at my school found insufficient evidence. Which I doubt will help my case with the scholarship office.

They've cut me all the slack they're willing to. Now I'm expected to become an A student.

I have told my therapist.

Im glad you're in counseling. Maybe before your next session, you should write down things you have a hard time speaking about. It might help if you make an outline for yourself to follow in your next session. or how about recording something and then playing it back with your counselor? Might be something to think about.

You also might want to think about finding a support group that suits your needs. Maybe one online or one in your area. I know that might not be something you want to take on right now but its something else to keep in mind.

Good luck, if you ever need to talk, feel free to drop me a line.

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