(no subject)

[acid-faeries.livejournal.com]

I have a question about female condoms. :) And kind of pressure. Haha.

My boyfriend and I, whom I'm very much in love with, are planning on having sex sometime within the next year. He and I have talked about it and agree to me being on the pill. However, he doesn't want to wear a condom. He says because we're to be married after high school that it won't matter if I get pregnant.. (We do have the resources to provide a child a nice life, I just don't want kids before I'm 21!) I was wondering if I were to go on the pill (Which I'm planning on starting in November), and use a female condom, would he be able to feel it? I feel really bad for attempting to trick him, but gah! I don't want to risk having a baby any time soon.

[Edit:]
I love you all, very much. =) Reading these comments nad posts have taught me a lot, and are helping me keep an open relationship. Nyak. I just wish I would've been more open to honesty before even thinking about this. I really do need to talk to him.
I love you allllll. ♥

And I'm sorry for saying crotchlings? oo;

Comments

[ryf.livejournal.com]

Yes, he will be able to feel it. The pill is designed to be used as the only birth control method, so that should in theory be enough if you take it regularly.

That being said, I hope you don't take that the wrong way, but if you don't want any children yet, than you don't want them. If you feel safer with also using a condom, then make him wear one.

[ryf.livejournal.com]

Also, I just saw that you are only 16 or 17. If you want to wait for for more years, he really should know what's going on. Not wearing a condom because he thinks you both will be able to take care of a child seems rather selfish and not very realistic.

[infectious.livejournal.com]

The chance of getting pregnant while taking the pill (correctly!) is very, very low –depending on the type of pill it’s usually more than 99% safe.
Other as for STDs (sexually transmitted deseases) there is no need for condoms, so if you're both tested, everything should be fine.
I have no idea if a guy was able to feel a female condom but there is something I know:

Sex is a lot more enjoyable if you feel comfortable about yourself and your partner. This includes your partner knowing what you feel, what you like, what you dislike.
If you don’t wish to have children now or in the near future, your boyfriend should respect your decision and the two of you should figure out an additional method of birth control that both of you can live with.
Try to talk with him about it. If he doesn’t care about your body (cause the pill or a pregnancy have an HUGE impact on it) and your plans (a child is not just something that happens to you sooner or later, it is a living being that requires a lot of work and effort), why should you care about his wishes?

[starrchilde.livejournal.com]

If he's not willing to accept wearing a condom, one should ask if you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to follow your wishes?

PS: Crotchlings = very tacky

[tink-tendencies.livejournal.com]

yeah that term made me think of aliens not children.

[deathofthelight.livejournal.com]

"PS: Crotchlings = very tacky"

I actually thought the term was cute/charming.

"If he's not willing to accept wearing a condom, one should ask if you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to follow your wishes?"

Well, she said that he doesn't WANT to. There's always going to be times when one partner wants to do one thing and another wants to do something else.

[vivalust.livejournal.com]

I don't mind either way what you want to call your offspring.

Here's my advice for your situation...get on the pill. It's discreet enough that he won't know, if that's what you're worried about. There are a couple other options also that can further prevent conception without him knowing: my tried and true favorite is the sponge. Just for refrence, I've tried the female condom. I didn't like it, and he will definitely be able to see/feel it.

I've used the Today Sponge and Protectaid. Of the two I prefer the Today. But both have worked for me. I ordered them from www.birthcontrol.com. They are a little on the pricey side, but you get what you pay for. I highly reccomend them for your situation.

[sofiaviolet]

She was going to get on the pill. He wants her to use it as their only form of contraception. She's afraid that won't be enough and isn't comfortable having sex without a backup.

[sofiaviolet]

He'll be able to see the female condom, I think. Also, he could probably feel it.

Birth control pills, taken as directed, can be used as the only form of contraception. I've been doing that since April and no crotchlings yet. But I was okay with having an abortion if the near-perfect protection of the pill failed. If you're not okay with that, I wouldn't recommend risking your sanity. Trust me, I had a pregnancy scare and I flipped out. It's not fun.

If you're not comfortable having sex without a condom, don't do it. Hopefully he'll show some maturity and agree to your wishes if you explain your feelings. But if he won't go along with that, he's an asshole who doesn't really care about you. If you still wanted to be with him, you'd probably have to deny him sex to try and convince him. In the end, he'll either agree, meaning you feel comfortable, or he'll prove again he's an asshole by leaving you for someone who'll give in to his wishes.

The fact that you're both still in high school, yet he doesn't care if you get pregnant, sets off alarm bells. My boyfriend and I are high school students. He checks every time we have sex, to make sure I took my pill that day.

[lokibat.livejournal.com]

what needed to be said has been said.
and. what? you have the means to give a child a comfortable life???
id be curious how old he is.
but. i liked the term crotchlings. for my $.02... its actually a pretty accurate description of what usually comes from an unwanted teen pregnancy.. especially if its the product of a boy unwilling to cooperate with the birth control.
shrug

[acid-faeries.livejournal.com]

I openly admit his age. :p Even to my mother. He's 19.

[apossibility.livejournal.com]

don't trick him. Just talk to him abotu it, and tell him how you are feeling uncomfortable with not using any form of protection. Because, as much as you guys are in love, you never know what might happen, and you wouldn't want to be stuck raising a kid on your own.

Good luck tlaking to him!!

[iced-deviant.livejournal.com]

Just remember that you may fall in love with some one else b4 you lave school.
trust me on this please, as i ran away from home at 15 with the so called older love of my life.
also i got knocked up on the pill.
use condoms. simple.if he cheats u will catch her germs.
trust no one untill that rings on ur finger.

[stormy62485.livejournal.com]

I totally agree. Even when you think he thinks you're his world, it doesn't matter until he's made that committment. Even then sometimes it's questionable. There are too many unfaithful people out there

[ilikemytie.livejournal.com]

Female condoms are terrible, huge and bulky. You need to tell him that you don't want to have kids right now, that you're uncomfortable with him not wearing a condom. If he respects and loves you, he'll do it. You don't want to be unsafe about things, and I am not trying to be mean to him. I just think that very often young men just don't understand what women have to go through, especially if they get pregnant when they're not ready for it.

And I hope very much that you and your b/f end up getting married. However, from the voice of experience, don't get married the minute you get out of high school, especially if you want to ever go to college (which I encourage you to do.) While marriages are a wonderful way of showing your committment to someone, they generally end up the way that you want them, especially so early.

[touchyphiliac.livejournal.com]

Female condoms are for some people and not for others. I know some ladies who really enjoy them.

[vivalust.livejournal.com]

Here's another good point: There are two people here with two different wants, HE doesn't want to wear a condom, and YOU don't want children until a little later in your life. The simple thing is to find a reliable method of contraception that caters to both of you.

It's really not necessary to trick him. You can protect your egg from gettting fertilized without him using a condom (by using the pill alone, or a combination of the pill and another form of birth control that YOU can control, ie sponge, or any contraceptive gel or foam.) I hope that helps, because it addresses both issues.

[parodie.livejournal.com]

The pill is effective birth control, absolutely. It's not 100% effective but works well enough to be used as the only form of birth control in many many relationships. However, especially for folks in high school or whose lives would be unpleasantly turned upside-down by a child/unexpected pregnancy, using the pill with condoms is a very intelligent choice. Furthermore, condoms are the only form of birth control that protect against STDs and such - also a smart choice.
My impression from the OP is that they would be having sex for a first time. A guy who goes into this with such preconceived notions (e.g. refusing to wear a condom - on principle?) raises a flag for me. Be careful. You want him to be respecting your comfort level, and your priorities - which at this point in your life include not getting pregnant. Condoms are a smart part of that plan, he should get on board. Even if you're getting married in a few years, even if you could support a child. He should be understanding and supportive of your plans to delay children.
Refusing to wear a condom is one of those weird things guys do that has never really made all that much sense to me. Condoms are useful, they protect both partners, they're easy and effective and convenient. I would encourage the OP to seriously consider her partner's blanket refusal to wear a condom, especially if this continues after a thorough discussion about her desire to avoid children now, etc. That would be somewhat controlling. Be careful. Be smart. :-) You're your own best advocate.

[messiah-complex.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think that if you are uncomfortable with not having a backup method of contraception (and yes, I am aware that the pill can be used on its own -- I do it pretty much daily) you should just tell him you're not going to do anything until he wears one.

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

No one has yet mentioned STDS -- it is very important for him to wear a condom for purposes of safe sex. If you're uncomfortable with him not wearing a condom, then he should wear a condom, end of story. If he refuses to do that, and you really want it, then you should think seriously about whether you want to marry someone (particularly right after high school, which is very very early in your life).

[benthicblue.livejournal.com]

I'm very curious as to how exactly 2 highschool students can "have the resources to provide a child a nice life". Do you both have jobs that provide you with health insurance? maternity/paternity leave? prescription plans? daycare?

He doesn't want to wear a condom. I don't think that makes him a bad guy. I think it just makes him a guy.

That said YOU are responsible for your life. If you don't want kids, take measures to avoid them, be it the Pill or making your partner wear a condom. It's your body and you have every right to demand what is and is not allowed inside of it (be it a condom or a crotchling -- which, btw, I did find very offensive). You can't control his decisions and I do not advise trying to trick him. But you can control your own decision. If you say you won't have sex without a condom and he refuses, then that's his decision to make.

Let's face it, despite the fact that right now you think you're going to get married and live happily ever after, if you get pregnant next month, his views on marriage and children might change very quickly. I don't mean that to sound demeaning, it's just the truth. At 16 or 17, I think a lot of people have trouble taking on that level of responsibility.

Figure out what you want and then talk to him about it.

[mmmelooody.livejournal.com]

I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a guy that was also a virgin. I had been on the pill for well over a year, and also used a condom as second form of birth control. I really hated using condoms, and eventually went to a sexual health clinic where I had a chat with a very friendly nurse. She told me that although barrier methods (ie. condoms) are the only way to prevent STDs, they are one of the least effective methods of preventing contraception. She told me that if I was using the pill correctly, it would be the most effective form of birth control I could use. I tried to talk her into reccommending something else to me, but she said she that there no need, and that so much hormons should not be pumped into such a young girl. If you are sure that both you and your boyfriend are clean, which it sounds like you are, I reccomend ditching the condom. It reduces sensitivity, therefore making sex more enjoyable without it. Best of luck =)

[dial-zero.livejournal.com]

Wait, she told you condoms are one of the least effective methods, and she thought hormones should not be pumped into a young girl (but that you should stay on them anyway)? Sounds very unprofessional to me. Condoms and spermicide, when used properly and carefully, are as effective as typical use of the pill. And that "pumping young girls full of hormones" comment sounds more like a personal hang-up than sound medical advice. If you asked the nurse about other methods, she should have explained other methods, like female barriers, depo, IUD, etc, and THEN explained why she thought the pill was best for you, not just saying there is no need.

If the OP doesn't feel comfortable going condomless, she will be worrying during condomless sex, and in my opinion that's worse than any "reduced sensitivity" issues from a condom (which I think are really overblown--if it's that bad, try another condom brand).

[red-is-blood.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page regarding having children (crotchlings sounds like an STD to me). If you're not in agreement about that, maybe you should put careful thought into whether or not you want to have sex with him.

There should be no need for trickery. If you have an open and honest relationship, tell him how you feel.

[mammothali.livejournal.com]

Condoms are a lot less expensive than a baby, remember that! (and depending on whether or not you have insurance, they can be much less expensive than birth control pills, as well).

Besides the cost, condoms protect you against a lot more than pregnancy. Young couples in high school sometimes cheat on one another (believe me!) and you're going to want to be sure that you are both disease-free as well as pregnancy-free.

And you need to ask your boyfriend to get tested for STDs and HIV before you even think about having sex without a condom. And still, that means you will both have to be loyal to one another as long as you are having unprotected sex. Vow to each other that if you do slip and cheat, that you tell the other person. At the very least, also promise that if you do cheat, that you'll use protection. Even in love, people sometimes let temptation take over, and in those times, you have to protect your boyfriend/girlfriend by making sure you are not bringing back any diseases (or creating a child).

Also, I know you say you are "very much in love" with this guy, but honestly - are you really able to lie to him about using a female condom? Don't trick him. Tell him how serious you are about not having a child right now. And if he loves you as much as you love him, he will honor you and support you in any way you ask... including wearing a condom.

Believe me - if you give a guy an ultimatum of either having sex with a condom or not having sex at all... he'll put the condom on faster than you can say "STD."

[acid-faeries.livejournal.com]

Aw. I love you. <3
Yeah. It dawned on me while I was thinking last night.. We do have an open relationship to the extent that he can have a 'beneficial' friend, as long as I know about it. We have made plans to get tested twice a year. (Nyak. I'm so paranoid.)
I'm going to talk to him today. =)

[frolicnaked.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I'm not adding anything new, but it seems to me the important advice is:

1) Lying to or tricking one's partner is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Don't do it.

2) You have the right to determine under which circumstances you will and will not have sex. If, in your mind, having sex without birth control pills and condoms poses an unacceptable risk, don't do it. Make sure both you and your boyfriend know your mind on this issue.

[gargoyle575.livejournal.com]

Female condoms are EXTREMELY noticeable. More so than a male condom. They have an inch or 2 that sits outide of your vagina, and it makes crinkley noies like a plastic bag sometimes. If you are afraid of having sex without a condom even if you're on the pill, don't! If he respects you, he will make sure you feel comfortable.

[marti30sumthing.livejournal.com]

A couple of things about your posts give me a heads up here.
I have a couple of questions for you, since you say you have an 'open' relationship.
How do you feel about your future husband having sex with other women?
How does he feel about you, his future wife, having sex with other men?

The reason I ask is that once other people are introduced into the relationship it does have a habit of screwing things up royally. There is always the potential that either one of you will end up falling for one of the 'other' extra sexual partners. Can you really imagine your guy holding and kissing and making love to another woman and be ok with that?

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is your guy's way of getting his share of sexual experiences before he gets hitched, while still keeping you on the bench for later!

You are awfully young to get married, you will grow and change so much from now and into your 20s. You have your whole life ahead of you in all its potential glory. You could easily wait another 10+ years before you get married and have had one hell of a good life in the meantime, packed full of experiences as an independent woman, which you could then take into any marriage or future partnership. You will be a better person for it and have more to offer to a partner and to any future kids.

I speak from experience, at 17 I had a fiance (aged 21) who never would wear a condom and kept pushing for me to get on the pill. He wanted kids and marriage. I had my doubts because I wanted to experience more of what life had to offer before I had babies. But I loved him so much that I never told him of my doubts. I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Long story short I never went on the pill and got strong enough to tell him I wasn't going to have sex with him without a condom. He refused and dumped me.
Yes I was heartbroken, but now I thank God it didn't work out. My life has been the better for it, believe me.

I know you can never imagine your life without this guy being in it. You say you are ok with the 'open' sexual status of the relationship and yet you aren't comfortable enough in it to really talk to him about your own feelings and doubts.
Honey you are so not ready for this kind of committment. What's more, I think you know it deep down.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
xx

[brainery.livejournal.com]

I don't have too much to add to what the others have said, but I do agree with a lot of it. I always think it's a good idea to keep a relationship as honest as possible, meaning I hope you will tell him about what you want, i.e. to not get pregnant right now. It strikes me as more than a little selfish of him to tell you that it doesn't matter if you get pregnant, even if you are getting married. It's YOUR body, and pregnancy will cause all sorts of enormous changes and create all sorts of new stresses in your body, not to mention all the extra stresses that come with having a baby!

Also, I obviously don't know anything specific about your personal finances, and I apologize if I misread the situation, but it is hard for me to believe that at such a young age you would really be able to give a baby a comfortable life, money-wise. I'm 22 right now and just got out of college, and have just recently realized how much real life costs. It took me forever to find a job, and the job I have now is just barely getting me enough money to pay my own way -- I definitely would not be able to pay for another person right now. Not that this should be your main reason for waiting, but you might point out to your boyfriend how much money you would have to be making in order to provide for a child.

In any case, I hope all goes well. Good luck.

[touchyphiliac.livejournal.com]

I just don't want kids before I'm 21!

What about STD's? Do you want STDs?

...does he?