Nervous First-Timer

[like-marmalade.livejournal.com]

Hey you guys. I've been reading this community for a bit and finally gathered courage to post here myself. =) I hope I get this community posting thing right too...

I'm sorry if this might be a little off-topic, and I guess I should post is in sextips as well, but yall are so nice that I feel more comfortable asking it here. I hope yall don't mind too much.



Before any of this, if I'm graphic, I'm sorry...I figure that the more informative I am, the more you guys can help me. I'm really nervous about this.

I'll try to give you as much info as possible. I'm 20 years old, and a virgin. I have never masturbated/orgasmed in my life. I'm really really sensitive in the vaginal area...so much that my boyfriend jokes about me having a "Proximity Alert" every time he gets close to it. =P I'm one of those girls that likes indirect stimulation...I don't let him get directly to my clit most of the time either (I can't get past the hood thing). We do foreplay and stuff, so it just depends on how I'm feeling...

Okay, besides all that, here's my actual question. My boyfriend and I have tried to have PIV sex like...3-4 times. We both love each other very much. He's a virgin, I'm a virgin...seriously, do people fail this many times? =P I have to admit, it seems each time we get closer. We just figured out that maybe he's been entering wrong...but this presents a new problem because anything around my vagina feels ultra weird.

Backstory...my first gyno appointment sucked because my doctor couldn't get the duck into me to swab me...so I was sent home, prescribed Xanax, and asked to come back. And I STILL had super trouble, Xanax didn't help at all and she barely got a swab. =P Though I told my gyno I was afraid of my first time because of the whole hymen breaking thing...she said I didn't have a hymen that was in the way. So I dunno...

Anyway, as always, every time we try and have sex, it hurts...the first couple of times, there was this "painful pleasurable" feeling that feels good and hurts a little at the same time. Lately it's just kinda been less feel good, and of course when he tries to get in further, it hurts...a lot. I can think perhaps because he's entering wrong, or also because he's a nice size and I'm probably not stretched at all. Sometimes I feel like he's banging on a closed door or sometimes I feel like he's caught in my labia and it needs to go around him on the outside, or sometimes I feel like I'm being ripped apart...

I've thought about the lube thing...and I think some of it is also because I have trouble relaxing. For now, we've decided to take a break from it and not try again for a little bit. Maybe my body's just telling me I'm not ready...but see, my fear is that I'm going to ruin my wedding night because we'll be on our honeymoon, ready to consummate the marriage, and lo and behold, we can't because I can't let him in. I want to fix this. ><

Oh, and don't worry, my boyfriend has never gotten frustrated or anything. He even knows I' making this post (he's gonna look it over and make sure I didn't forget anything.) =P If anything, he's very patient...it's ME who cries and gets angry. I feel like I'm defective. I mean, who has this problem? All the virgins on Vagina Pagina or Sextips post and just post about pain...not..."I'm was a virgin until last ni...wait, I still AM a virgin because I can't have sex even though it's the easiest act in the world!"

Oh, and here's some input from him (we're talking on AIM) =P Good thing we're pretty comfortable with each other, or this would all be really humiliating. He's real supportive though.

Him: You make it soo difficult :p
Him: all..."don't look... don't touch... just find it " :p
Me: Ohhhh
Me: *laughs*
Me: Can I add that you said that? =P
Him:: sure ^^;;;
Him:: Say that I try and pleasure you... but you will have none of it :p
Me:: *laughs*

And I know some of you might suggest trying to masturbate...and...eh...I just...ugh. Medical things just...*shudder* I can't turn myself on by myself and my own touch does not feel good at all. I don't wear tampons...I tried once a long time ago and put the entire applicator up there. I got nausious and decided just to try to get it out to show myself I could and I bent and it slipped right out. I found out I was doing it wrong. Haven't had the courage to try since.

But right now I guess I'll take any advice...anything to make me not feel as alone in this as I do now. Sorry it's so long. >

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/-iloveyoutoo/]

It seems to me like as lot of your issues are just as emotional/mental as they are physical. You're so lucky to have someone you can be intimate with who actually cares about you! You boyfriend posted that you prefer his penis because it's more "natural"... this sounds like a mental preference to me. Honestly, if you guys started from one, very well lubed, finger and worked your way up from there, phallic penetration might be much more enjoyable and easier for you.

Where are you guys when you're trying to have sex? You should be somewhere where you both feel totally comfortable, and can relax. I know anytime I've been with guys in the past and they suggest we just go at it while other people at home, I would tense up.

But honestly, I think until you are comfortable touching your own body, you won't be able to let your boyfriend do it. There's no shame in exploring yourself. Babies touch their genitals, that's how normal and natural it is to explore yourself! Just lay down one night (with a mirror, if you can bear it) and just start small exploring yourself. Just relax and try to feel around noting what feels good and what doesn't. Don't be afraid of your vulva! It's obvious that your boyfriend likes it :c) Like everyone else said- You must be comfortable with yourself, and love yourself, before anyone else can.

[like-marmalade.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me and my boyfriend are really close, and I'm so glad. If he got frustrated with me, things would be even further downhill. *laughs* But yeah, it seems...it seems I should get used to fingers. The idea kind of scares me, but if it'll help, I'll try my best.

We're usually alone, but even then sometimes I'm afraid the people at the apartment next door can hear through the walls or something. *laughs* He assures me that it's okay though, so I've tried not to worry about it so much. =P

There's no shame in exploring yourself. Babies touch their genitals, that's how normal and natural it is to explore yourself!

That kind of hit home. I think a part of me does feel shameful about it, and I realized it when I read that. It's like I'm embarassed about myself. I guess I'll take it slow and try and discover what feels what down there. It seems like that's what's best, even if it scares me. Thanks for your help. =)

[http://users.livejournal.com/-iloveyoutoo/]

Honestly, once you realize how good it (fingers... yours or his) feels, the shame and guilt will just melt away (hopefully!) I know a lot of churches try to make sex, and sexually feelings feel shameful, but I'm a proud Christian who's also a proud masturbator!

When you are ready to start trying to be sexual with your boyfriend again, you might find it helpful to work your way up to his fingers- start with kissing and massages. I find that if I feel a guy's hands all over the different parts of my body first, it's not such a shock when he gets to my genitals. It also helps you relax/"get in the mood". Hopefully, after some time, you will no longer see his fingers as scary and un natural, but as the source of love, care and pleasure.

Try to push aside everything you brought up with that gives you the feelings that what you're doing is not natural, or wrong. You're at a point in your life now when you can form your own ideas of what's right and wrong and reject ideas/morals that were forced upon you. And, as someone pointed out, the clitoris is just a mound of pleasure, so touching it can't be wrong. I found this http://www.classbrain.com/artread/publish/printer_34.shtml to back up my comment on babies and genital touching.
"Do not punish your child for genital play. Punishment may result in long-lasting negative feelings about genital pleasure." Don't punish yourself honey!

It sound like you're in an honest, loving and caring relationship and you should be proud of that. The initmacy that you will share is nothing but appropriate, and well, just plain right, in my opinion. Believe, I've done many things with guys I wish I had been too ashamed to do at the time... I would have been elated to be in your situation when I was first becoming sexually active.

I've become really interested in your situation, so keep us posted!