vaginapagina | Nervous First-Timer

Nervous First-Timer

Hey you guys. I've been reading this community for a bit and finally gathered courage to post here myself. =) I hope I get this community posting thing right too...

I'm sorry if this might be a little off-topic, and I guess I should post is in

sextips as well, but yall are so nice that I feel more comfortable asking it here. I hope yall don't mind too much.

Before any of this, if I'm graphic, I'm sorry...I figure that the more informative I am, the more you guys can help me. I'm really nervous about this.

I'll try to give you as much info as possible. I'm 20 years old, and a virgin. I have never masturbated/orgasmed in my life. I'm really really sensitive in the vaginal area...so much that my boyfriend jokes about me having a "Proximity Alert" every time he gets close to it. =P I'm one of those girls that likes indirect stimulation...I don't let him get directly to my clit most of the time either (I can't get past the hood thing). We do foreplay and stuff, so it just depends on how I'm feeling...

Okay, besides all that, here's my actual question. My boyfriend and I have tried to have PIV sex like...3-4 times. We both love each other very much. He's a virgin, I'm a virgin...seriously, do people fail this many times? =P I have to admit, it seems each time we get closer. We just figured out that maybe he's been entering wrong...but this presents a new problem because anything around my vagina feels ultra weird.

Backstory...my first gyno appointment sucked because my doctor couldn't get the duck into me to swab me...so I was sent home, prescribed Xanax, and asked to come back. And I STILL had super trouble, Xanax didn't help at all and she barely got a swab. =P Though I told my gyno I was afraid of my first time because of the whole hymen breaking thing...she said I didn't have a hymen that was in the way. So I dunno...

Anyway, as always, every time we try and have sex, it hurts...the first couple of times, there was this "painful pleasurable" feeling that feels good and hurts a little at the same time. Lately it's just kinda been less feel good, and of course when he tries to get in further, it hurts...a lot. I can think perhaps because he's entering wrong, or also because he's a nice size and I'm probably not stretched at all. Sometimes I feel like he's banging on a closed door or sometimes I feel like he's caught in my labia and it needs to go around him on the outside, or sometimes I feel like I'm being ripped apart...

I've thought about the lube thing...and I think some of it is also because I have trouble relaxing. For now, we've decided to take a break from it and not try again for a little bit. Maybe my body's just telling me I'm not ready...but see, my fear is that I'm going to ruin my wedding night because we'll be on our honeymoon, ready to consummate the marriage, and lo and behold, we can't because I can't let him in. I want to fix this. ><

Oh, and don't worry, my boyfriend has never gotten frustrated or anything. He even knows I' making this post (he's gonna look it over and make sure I didn't forget anything.) =P If anything, he's very patient...it's ME who cries and gets angry. I feel like I'm defective. I mean, who has this problem? All the virgins on Vagina Pagina or Sextips post and just post about pain...not..."I'm was a virgin until last ni...wait, I still AM a virgin because I can't have sex even though it's the easiest act in the world!"

Oh, and here's some input from him (we're talking on AIM) =P Good thing we're pretty comfortable with each other, or this would all be really humiliating. He's real supportive though.

Him: You make it soo difficult :p
Him: all..."don't look... don't touch... just find it " :p
Me: Ohhhh
Me: *laughs*
Me: Can I add that you said that? =P
Him:: sure ^^;;;
Him:: Say that I try and pleasure you... but you will have none of it :p
Me:: *laughs*

And I know some of you might suggest trying to masturbate...and...eh...I just...ugh. Medical things just...*shudder* I can't turn myself on by myself and my own touch does not feel good at all. I don't wear tampons...I tried once a long time ago and put the entire applicator up there. I got nausious and decided just to try to get it out to show myself I could and I bent and it slipped right out. I found out I was doing it wrong. Haven't had the courage to try since.

But right now I guess I'll take any advice...anything to make me not feel as alone in this as I do now. Sorry it's so long. >

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since it seems like you and your boyfriend are close, you might want to try some gspot foreplay. you said masturbation isnt your thing, have you had him try fingering you with one finger, going straight to the gspot? if you guys can do that okay, have him try to fingers. the gspot will stimulate you without hitting the clit, and really, one finger isnt that big, he can use lube on it, then once your comfortable with it, try 2 fingers, then move on from there. Good Luck!

Yeah... I've actually tried using my finger to "loosen her up" and get her use to something down there, but she REALLY doesn't like it. I've actually made her scream in terror trying it -_- As soon as I get any penetration at all she inches away or grabs my hand and tells me to stop. Shes says that it "feels weird" and it scares her. She says that she would actually prefer my penis because it's more natural. Perhaps the first step should be us just working on this area. Thanks for the feedback (oh and the luck).

Wow, that was a mind-trip. I read this comment without looking at the title and realizing it was your boyfriend and not you, so I thought you were referring to your vagina as "her."

"YOU MADE YOUR VAGINA SCREAM IN TERROR?! GAH!"

That's totally how I read it the first time.

Woooooah....*stumbles*

This might be going out on a limb here, but was your girlfriend molested as a child? A lot of times if someone has been sexually abused, they freak out about sexual contact with people later in life, or are unable to have sex. Just a thought, I could be very off base but I thought I'd put it out there.

No no, don't worry, I wasn't abused. I can see how you can get that idea from what I wrote though, so it's okie. =) But yeah, no worries! I'm just...difficult, I guess, unfortunately...

Don't fret! You're not defective. I had the same problem. All the reading I did, all the time I had spent with my boyfriend, and it still wasn't just easy.

I broke my hymen long before I ever had sex, but I still had trouble actually getting my boyfriends penis in the first couple times I tried to have sex too. I felt wet, so I thought "what's the problem?" but looking back I know that I just wasn't as wet as I need to be. Plus I was extremely tense, despite the fact that I really wanted to have sex! Tense vaginal muscles + not enough lube= pain and probably not being able to get your partner's penis in very far.

On your own you could try practicing to relax your vaginal muscles. If you can do kegels, then get comfy, lie down, do a kegel and then when you release your muscles just try to get it as relaxed down their as possible. Really learn the difference from what if feels like to be clenched down there vs relaxed.

What worked for me was learning to relax my vaginal muscles, buying some lube, and then using lots of lube. When it finally worked I had decided to try being on top so that it was easier to see what was happening and I had more control as far as guiding my partners penis. And it was. Once I slowly (very slowly) had managed to get my partners penis in, I was able to relax even more.

As for the pain getting worse the more you try, I'm not sure what the time frame is for the times that you've tried to have sex, but perhaps if they're close in succession, you're vaginal is just getting a little irritated. It happens to me sometimes still. Best to give it a few days to rest and recover, if that is the case, and definitely get some lube.

Also, I'm not sure what your background is as far as what you've been taught about sex, but often if we hear that we're not supposed to have sex before marriage, or not supposed to masturbate, etc etc, those things stick with us for longer then we'd like them too. So part of the hesitation could be psychological. In which case I don't know what to suggest except to be patient, give it time and try to become comfortable with your body. Maybe spend more time with your boyfriend getting more comfortable with other sexual things before trying sex again? I'm really not sure. I think someone else might have better suggestions that I do, if this is the case.

Anyway, I think it's great that your boyfriend is patient and you two are taking it slow. Forcing this is definitely not the way to go.

wow, typos galore. Should have gone to bed a long, long time ago ;)

I totally read past any typos. *laughs* I've been excited that people are replying, and it's made me feel a lot better to hear that other people have had similar problems to mine.

I never thought of vaginal excersizes before, and I think someone else posted something about kegels in another entry once. I'm not sure what they are/how they work, but I'll research it. Being able to relax easier will definately be handy. As well as the lube thing. =P Are there any other ways to practice in the meantime?

I'll talk to him about trying on top too. I'm always afraid I'm going to do something wrong if I'm on top and like, break/bend/sprain him or something. But if it worked for you, it sounds helpful. =)

But yeah, I've decided I want a little break in trying. Some recovery time, both physically and emotionally, as I've been kinda beating myself up over it (as you can tell =P). Plus, it's not super important to our relationship (plus, we're both innocently clueless), so I can go without it. =P I'm really glad I posted for advice. I still have lots to learn!

Thanks for your help! =)

Total Icon love......and totally off topic. *runs to corner*

*laughs* Aww, thanks! Though, I can't take credit for it...I found and saved it to my harddrive a long time ago...so long ago, I have no idea who to give credit to. But I'm still glad you like it. =)

It seems to me that you're not very comfortable with your body and I suggest exploring on your own by yourself before you explore with another. Practice in front of a mirror, and touch yourself, see where things are, have lube with you, and see if you can massage the vaginal area with your fingers, eventually being able to insert a finger or so.

Once you've been come more comfortable, invite the BF back and do some more exploration! Don't make it a "sexual" thing rather, but a Get To Know Our Bodies thing, and have fun with it. Sometimes "sex" puts a weight on intimacy. Too much pressure etc.

Find yourself first, then share.

You're right, I guess I'm really not that comfortable with myself. Even reading about fingers makes me shiver. *laughs* Though it's true that I can let myself touch myself more intimately than my boyfriend. (Though even with myself I haven't been very intimate at all. The most intimate example is that when we wanted to look at the clit, I pulled up the hood, not him.)

I think the mirror is probably a good idea, explore and know where things are so I'm not guessing all the time. Though this will be slow-going I expect...massaging doesn't sound too bad, but fingers...it's going to take some getting used to. *laughs*

Though the Getting To Know Our Bodies thing sounds kind of fun. That's a good idea! =) Thanks for everything!

Don't worry, the first few times my ex and I tried to have sex, it was the exact same way. The labia got caught (try holding them out of the way, or having him do it), and his penis would only go in a tiny bit before it started to hurt like hell. It eventually got better (he'd only had sex twice and I was a virgin, so neither of us really knew what we were doing), but the first few times were lousy. All I can say is, relax. If you're worrying that you're defective, it's not going to help anything. You're absolutely not defective, and the first few times can be not very good for a lot of people. And I agree with other commenters who say that you seem very uncomfortable with your own body, which is probably the biggest difficulty. I'm not trying to attack you or anything, but why exactly do you have a problem with masturbating? Were you made to think as a child that it was dirty or sinful? If you learn to love your body, it's a lot easier for other people to love it, and if you know you can experience pleasure on your own, without absolutely *needing* someone else's touch, I think it would be a lot easier to relax about sex. And remember that how you're feeling is perfectly normal, and it'll probably get better on its own, as long as you relax and just let things happen.

I makes me feel so much better knowing that other people have had similar problems. I'm really glad people are telling me I'm not defective...I really was feeling that way and I feel better now. And I think I totally understand the labia thing! I wish it was easier. =P

About the masturbation...yeah...I was raised Catholic and didn't even really know it existed until High School, when I went to a public school. It's just I feel it's a weakness, that I should save all my feelings and such for the one I love, etc...lots of silliness, but I can't help it. That and the whole, can't turn myself on thing...I just have trouble with it for some weird reason. It was probably how I was brought up.

You're right though, I have to love myself...and learn not to think "icky" when I think of that area. *laughs* Thanks for your advice. =)

I've found that masturbation actually increases my sexual feelings, that it makes it easier for me to express my love and desire for my SO. I mean, no, it isn't necessary, but if you want to do it, then it's a fine thing. And it means that if the two of you happen to want sex at different times, nobody's left feeling resentful because their only sexual outlet isn't putting out:)

I really agree with [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s advice. She's a smart lady, and you should listen to her. :)

When I first started doing sexual things/trying to have sex, it was very difficult for me - and yes, we did have to try several times to get his penis into my vagina. The reason is that while I wanted sex, I wasn't comfortable with my body and deep down, I had some issues about sex to work out. (I was raised Catholic and I felt guilty about sexual stuff, so I held myself to this idea that having sex was something one shouldn't do - and that really messed me up. I waited until I got married to have intercourse for the first time, and even then it was really hard to give myself permission, because it had been a no-no all my life, you know? Your wedding day doesn't magically change that feeling, as much as people would have you believe that it does. I'm lucky that it worked out well in the end, I think - I wouldn't do the whole waiting thing if I had it to do over again!)

So anyway. I'd say, put intercourse on the back burner for now, and spend some time exploring, as jaclyn said. My advice would be to wait until you are more comfortable touching yourself, allowing yourself to be pleasured by your boyfriend, and until you've had some time to learn what makes you feel good.

And when you do have intercourse, lube will be your best friend. You might still be tight, but if you are really able to relax, it will be easier, and lube will help. Also, remember to take deep, slow breaths and focus on relaxing your muscles. Good luck!

I think I know exactly what you mean...I'm a Catholic myself, and I have the same guilty feelings sometimes. I probably need to work through those as well as explore myself physically. Do you have any advice for it, since you were brought up Catholic too?

And yeah, I'm so afraid my wedding night is going to be ruined because of this. *laughs* I'm glad yours wasn't! But that's a long way away for me, so one step at a time, right? =)

Thanks for the advice!

Well, let's see...this could get lengthy, I apologize in advance. :)

First, you should know that I don't consider myself a Catholic anymore - partially because I don't agree the church's attitude about sex (and for lots of other reasons too). But when I was younger, those Catholic attitudes (and my parents' attitudes too) made me feel like sex was a big scary dangerous thing (and one that would embarrass you and get you in trouble!), and I was afraid of it. I wasn't extremely religious or anything, but those attitudes were really the only ones I'd ever encountered, and while I recognized that making out and stuff felt really good, I also felt sort of conflicted and frightened by it. That feeling doesn't just go away just because you're in the "approved" situation - married and all set to go. It's hard to let go and enjoy yourself if you still have the feeling that you're doing something shameful or bad, even if you only feel that way on certain levels.

So, I guess the thing that made the difference for me (other than time, patience, and experimentation) was that my own beliefs and attitudes about sex slowly changed. I took time, I thought, I read books ("The Vagina Monologues"!), I read vaginapagina. :) Now, I know that sex is fun, and good for you, and that it's healthy and positive to experience pleasure. I even think it makes sense to consider it holy. I mean, think about it - your body is equipped to enjoy sex. You have a clitoris! A clitoris' sole purpose is to bring you pleasure. I kind of think of that as being part of the awesomeness of nature, but you can also think of it as God's gift to you.

I think you basically have to look hard at your feelings about sex in general, and during that time, give yourself permission to experiment, explore, and play. Pay attention to your feelings and where they are coming from, and you can try and reconcile your beliefs with your actions and your feelings. I know it might sound like it, but I'm not trying to tell you you can't be Catholic and have good sex. :) What I am saying is that it's good to know where your feelings come from so you can address them, and for me, a lot of my negative feelings about sex came from my upbringing.

And lastly, remember: your vagina is not a scary place. It is a good and happy place, and your vulva will be good to you if you let it. Masturbation isn't a scary, clinical thing - it's warm and personal and wonderful. It might not feel good at first, but it takes time to figure out what you like, and what you need to get turned on. Fantasizing is not only not a bad thing, it's also great and very helpful. :) Letting your partner touch you and look at you and taste you is part of good sex - at least for me - and it's worth the vunerability you might feel when it happens (but wait until you're comfortable with that, of course.)

If you ever want to talk about it more, you can contact me. I'm sorry if I got too wordy, I tend to do that. Good luck with everything! :)

It seems to me like as lot of your issues are just as emotional/mental as they are physical. You're so lucky to have someone you can be intimate with who actually cares about you! You boyfriend posted that you prefer his penis because it's more "natural"... this sounds like a mental preference to me. Honestly, if you guys started from one, very well lubed, finger and worked your way up from there, phallic penetration might be much more enjoyable and easier for you.

Where are you guys when you're trying to have sex? You should be somewhere where you both feel totally comfortable, and can relax. I know anytime I've been with guys in the past and they suggest we just go at it while other people at home, I would tense up.

But honestly, I think until you are comfortable touching your own body, you won't be able to let your boyfriend do it. There's no shame in exploring yourself. Babies touch their genitals, that's how normal and natural it is to explore yourself! Just lay down one night (with a mirror, if you can bear it) and just start small exploring yourself. Just relax and try to feel around noting what feels good and what doesn't. Don't be afraid of your vulva! It's obvious that your boyfriend likes it :c) Like everyone else said- You must be comfortable with yourself, and love yourself, before anyone else can.

Yeah, me and my boyfriend are really close, and I'm so glad. If he got frustrated with me, things would be even further downhill. *laughs* But yeah, it seems...it seems I should get used to fingers. The idea kind of scares me, but if it'll help, I'll try my best.

We're usually alone, but even then sometimes I'm afraid the people at the apartment next door can hear through the walls or something. *laughs* He assures me that it's okay though, so I've tried not to worry about it so much. =P

There's no shame in exploring yourself. Babies touch their genitals, that's how normal and natural it is to explore yourself!

That kind of hit home. I think a part of me does feel shameful about it, and I realized it when I read that. It's like I'm embarassed about myself. I guess I'll take it slow and try and discover what feels what down there. It seems like that's what's best, even if it scares me. Thanks for your help. =)

Honestly, once you realize how good it (fingers... yours or his) feels, the shame and guilt will just melt away (hopefully!) I know a lot of churches try to make sex, and sexually feelings feel shameful, but I'm a proud Christian who's also a proud masturbator!

When you are ready to start trying to be sexual with your boyfriend again, you might find it helpful to work your way up to his fingers- start with kissing and massages. I find that if I feel a guy's hands all over the different parts of my body first, it's not such a shock when he gets to my genitals. It also helps you relax/"get in the mood". Hopefully, after some time, you will no longer see his fingers as scary and un natural, but as the source of love, care and pleasure.

Try to push aside everything you brought up with that gives you the feelings that what you're doing is not natural, or wrong. You're at a point in your life now when you can form your own ideas of what's right and wrong and reject ideas/morals that were forced upon you. And, as someone pointed out, the clitoris is just a mound of pleasure, so touching it can't be wrong. I found this http://www.classbrain.com/artread/publish/printer_34.shtml to back up my comment on babies and genital touching.
"Do not punish your child for genital play. Punishment may result in long-lasting negative feelings about genital pleasure." Don't punish yourself honey!

It sound like you're in an honest, loving and caring relationship and you should be proud of that. The initmacy that you will share is nothing but appropriate, and well, just plain right, in my opinion. Believe, I've done many things with guys I wish I had been too ashamed to do at the time... I would have been elated to be in your situation when I was first becoming sexually active.

I've become really interested in your situation, so keep us posted!

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Nervous First-Timer

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From the BF

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Back to the GF again =P

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awww...

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