Nervous First-Timer

[like-marmalade.livejournal.com]

Hey you guys. I've been reading this community for a bit and finally gathered courage to post here myself. =) I hope I get this community posting thing right too...

I'm sorry if this might be a little off-topic, and I guess I should post is in sextips as well, but yall are so nice that I feel more comfortable asking it here. I hope yall don't mind too much.



Before any of this, if I'm graphic, I'm sorry...I figure that the more informative I am, the more you guys can help me. I'm really nervous about this.

I'll try to give you as much info as possible. I'm 20 years old, and a virgin. I have never masturbated/orgasmed in my life. I'm really really sensitive in the vaginal area...so much that my boyfriend jokes about me having a "Proximity Alert" every time he gets close to it. =P I'm one of those girls that likes indirect stimulation...I don't let him get directly to my clit most of the time either (I can't get past the hood thing). We do foreplay and stuff, so it just depends on how I'm feeling...

Okay, besides all that, here's my actual question. My boyfriend and I have tried to have PIV sex like...3-4 times. We both love each other very much. He's a virgin, I'm a virgin...seriously, do people fail this many times? =P I have to admit, it seems each time we get closer. We just figured out that maybe he's been entering wrong...but this presents a new problem because anything around my vagina feels ultra weird.

Backstory...my first gyno appointment sucked because my doctor couldn't get the duck into me to swab me...so I was sent home, prescribed Xanax, and asked to come back. And I STILL had super trouble, Xanax didn't help at all and she barely got a swab. =P Though I told my gyno I was afraid of my first time because of the whole hymen breaking thing...she said I didn't have a hymen that was in the way. So I dunno...

Anyway, as always, every time we try and have sex, it hurts...the first couple of times, there was this "painful pleasurable" feeling that feels good and hurts a little at the same time. Lately it's just kinda been less feel good, and of course when he tries to get in further, it hurts...a lot. I can think perhaps because he's entering wrong, or also because he's a nice size and I'm probably not stretched at all. Sometimes I feel like he's banging on a closed door or sometimes I feel like he's caught in my labia and it needs to go around him on the outside, or sometimes I feel like I'm being ripped apart...

I've thought about the lube thing...and I think some of it is also because I have trouble relaxing. For now, we've decided to take a break from it and not try again for a little bit. Maybe my body's just telling me I'm not ready...but see, my fear is that I'm going to ruin my wedding night because we'll be on our honeymoon, ready to consummate the marriage, and lo and behold, we can't because I can't let him in. I want to fix this. ><

Oh, and don't worry, my boyfriend has never gotten frustrated or anything. He even knows I' making this post (he's gonna look it over and make sure I didn't forget anything.) =P If anything, he's very patient...it's ME who cries and gets angry. I feel like I'm defective. I mean, who has this problem? All the virgins on Vagina Pagina or Sextips post and just post about pain...not..."I'm was a virgin until last ni...wait, I still AM a virgin because I can't have sex even though it's the easiest act in the world!"

Oh, and here's some input from him (we're talking on AIM) =P Good thing we're pretty comfortable with each other, or this would all be really humiliating. He's real supportive though.

Him: You make it soo difficult :p
Him: all..."don't look... don't touch... just find it " :p
Me: Ohhhh
Me: *laughs*
Me: Can I add that you said that? =P
Him:: sure ^^;;;
Him:: Say that I try and pleasure you... but you will have none of it :p
Me:: *laughs*

And I know some of you might suggest trying to masturbate...and...eh...I just...ugh. Medical things just...*shudder* I can't turn myself on by myself and my own touch does not feel good at all. I don't wear tampons...I tried once a long time ago and put the entire applicator up there. I got nausious and decided just to try to get it out to show myself I could and I bent and it slipped right out. I found out I was doing it wrong. Haven't had the courage to try since.

But right now I guess I'll take any advice...anything to make me not feel as alone in this as I do now. Sorry it's so long. >

Comments

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

I really agree with [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s advice. She's a smart lady, and you should listen to her. :)

When I first started doing sexual things/trying to have sex, it was very difficult for me - and yes, we did have to try several times to get his penis into my vagina. The reason is that while I wanted sex, I wasn't comfortable with my body and deep down, I had some issues about sex to work out. (I was raised Catholic and I felt guilty about sexual stuff, so I held myself to this idea that having sex was something one shouldn't do - and that really messed me up. I waited until I got married to have intercourse for the first time, and even then it was really hard to give myself permission, because it had been a no-no all my life, you know? Your wedding day doesn't magically change that feeling, as much as people would have you believe that it does. I'm lucky that it worked out well in the end, I think - I wouldn't do the whole waiting thing if I had it to do over again!)

So anyway. I'd say, put intercourse on the back burner for now, and spend some time exploring, as jaclyn said. My advice would be to wait until you are more comfortable touching yourself, allowing yourself to be pleasured by your boyfriend, and until you've had some time to learn what makes you feel good.

And when you do have intercourse, lube will be your best friend. You might still be tight, but if you are really able to relax, it will be easier, and lube will help. Also, remember to take deep, slow breaths and focus on relaxing your muscles. Good luck!

[like-marmalade.livejournal.com]

I think I know exactly what you mean...I'm a Catholic myself, and I have the same guilty feelings sometimes. I probably need to work through those as well as explore myself physically. Do you have any advice for it, since you were brought up Catholic too?

And yeah, I'm so afraid my wedding night is going to be ruined because of this. *laughs* I'm glad yours wasn't! But that's a long way away for me, so one step at a time, right? =)

Thanks for the advice!

[mangofandango.livejournal.com]

Well, let's see...this could get lengthy, I apologize in advance. :)

First, you should know that I don't consider myself a Catholic anymore - partially because I don't agree the church's attitude about sex (and for lots of other reasons too). But when I was younger, those Catholic attitudes (and my parents' attitudes too) made me feel like sex was a big scary dangerous thing (and one that would embarrass you and get you in trouble!), and I was afraid of it. I wasn't extremely religious or anything, but those attitudes were really the only ones I'd ever encountered, and while I recognized that making out and stuff felt really good, I also felt sort of conflicted and frightened by it. That feeling doesn't just go away just because you're in the "approved" situation - married and all set to go. It's hard to let go and enjoy yourself if you still have the feeling that you're doing something shameful or bad, even if you only feel that way on certain levels.

So, I guess the thing that made the difference for me (other than time, patience, and experimentation) was that my own beliefs and attitudes about sex slowly changed. I took time, I thought, I read books ("The Vagina Monologues"!), I read vaginapagina. :) Now, I know that sex is fun, and good for you, and that it's healthy and positive to experience pleasure. I even think it makes sense to consider it holy. I mean, think about it - your body is equipped to enjoy sex. You have a clitoris! A clitoris' sole purpose is to bring you pleasure. I kind of think of that as being part of the awesomeness of nature, but you can also think of it as God's gift to you.

I think you basically have to look hard at your feelings about sex in general, and during that time, give yourself permission to experiment, explore, and play. Pay attention to your feelings and where they are coming from, and you can try and reconcile your beliefs with your actions and your feelings. I know it might sound like it, but I'm not trying to tell you you can't be Catholic and have good sex. :) What I am saying is that it's good to know where your feelings come from so you can address them, and for me, a lot of my negative feelings about sex came from my upbringing.

And lastly, remember: your vagina is not a scary place. It is a good and happy place, and your vulva will be good to you if you let it. Masturbation isn't a scary, clinical thing - it's warm and personal and wonderful. It might not feel good at first, but it takes time to figure out what you like, and what you need to get turned on. Fantasizing is not only not a bad thing, it's also great and very helpful. :) Letting your partner touch you and look at you and taste you is part of good sex - at least for me - and it's worth the vunerability you might feel when it happens (but wait until you're comfortable with that, of course.)

If you ever want to talk about it more, you can contact me. I'm sorry if I got too wordy, I tend to do that. Good luck with everything! :)