The Definition of Someone

[pretiossissime.livejournal.com]

I know there’s no requirement of anyone to have a specific label put on themselves, and most people tend not to want to be clumped together. “I’m a boy, I’m a girl, I’m straight, I’m bisexual, I’m whatever comes to mind…” But in the past while, I’ve come to sort of… want something to call myself.

I’m biologically female, but recently I’ve started feeling more and more less like a ‘girl.’ I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which in my case, means more body hair, no menstruation, and a hormone imbalance. That’s not the only reason I feel the way I do, but I’m sure it plays some part. I took generic birth control as a hormone adjustment, but it gave me worse periods than even my normal ones, back when I had them. I quit taking it after a year or so, and don't really want to continue.

I stopped feeling like a ‘girl’ when I was in high school, and I slowly began to work my way into being more or less gender fluid. I got mistaken for male on several occasions, but it never really bothered me. I don’t exactly want to be male, specifically, I just don’t feel like I’m female. I've not asked people to change the way they talk to me; I'm still 'she' and 'her,' but I'm not really as concerned with pronouns as my FtM friend who's still transitioning.

I guess what I’m really trying to get at is that ‘genderqueer’ isn’t really… what I hoped it would be. It's the best one that fits, but it still rubs me the wrong way. 'Gender fluid' isn't exactly that, either... and 'genderless' implies a lack of something, even though I feel like I have too much of whatever this is.

I’ve done research and tried different ideas, picked them apart and wondered what they meant to me. I went down the list of categories and threw out ones that didn't fit, and tried to mold ones that did, but I was just left empty-handed.

I read Kate Bornstein’s ‘My Gender Workbook,’ (which is awesome and I think everyone should at least consider reading it) but then I just ended up questioning myself even more, and changing the answers to the questions I already had, which made them change into something else entirely… And I’m still at a loss.

I want something solid, something someone can understand without an explanation. I know that’s asking a bit more than some of society feels is appropriate, but… I don’t know.


TL;DR: OP is confused and actually wants a label, but doesn’t know if any fit her anyway.

Comments

[senarae.livejournal.com]

I don't know either, but I feel similarly about myself. I've tossed around genderqueer and genderfluid but neither feels right for me. I hope you find something that feels right for you. For now I figure I'm human and that's all I can say.

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

"human, some from column A, some from column B"

seriously, though, my son is sort of genderfluid himself. he's sort of androgenous, bisexual, wears girl-cut tshirts. and he's just himself.

we are all unique individuals in the world. labels exist for broad spectrums...i mean, i'm bisexual. i have had female and male lovers. more males than females, but for *me* the person is a lot more important than the body they reside in. i love *people*, not genders.

i wish you luck...and most of us have to explain ourselves when we meet someone we want to know.

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine calls themselves a genderrocker! Because they rock gender.

[zemi-chan.livejournal.com]

I love that!

[venusinthenight]

Oooh, I like! :)

[pinkminx.livejournal.com]

Androgynous? That has seemed to me to imply more, not less.

[plantinglilacs.livejournal.com]

Nonbinary?

[kaberett.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I tend to use "non-binary" or "genderqueer" to describe myself even though neither quite fits. (Or "trans*", which does fit, but is sometimes too broad to be useful.)

And, FWIW OP? I do a lot of campaigning on trans* rights and recognition of non-binary people, and while I personally prefer "they" as my pronoun, I don't in any way feel that you "don't count" because you are happy with binary pronouns.

[classical-wolf.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this helps, but I've lately been considering myself a butch (pansexual) female though I am currently in a heterosexual.

I too have tried with the whole GQ/GF thing and it wasn't all I thought it would be either.

[alleriah8.livejournal.com]

If I felt the way you did/do, I'd start making up words... Genderneutral, agender, bigender? I don't know. I'm sorry for your confusion though. At least you dont really have to explain it to a lot of people, just yourself; so you can be whatever you like :)

[glitterberrys.livejournal.com]

I have a friend who identifies as bigendered - she (I use that pronoun because, well, I always have and she's never corrected me) identifies as both a straight female and a gay male. That might be something to look up and see if it fits?

[ant1matter.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it helps, but you're not alone. I've been starting to feel like that in the last year or so as well (maybe not starting to *feel* it, but starting to realize/accept/define it in my own mind). I'm happy being called female pronouns and being seen as female, but I also feel a bit masculine/somewhere in between too. Mostly female, a bit male, a bit undecided, I guess. I've never found a label either... I don't present too androgynously, it's pretty easy to tell I'm a girl, and genderqueer doesn't quite feel right. Maybe "tomboy"? Or "butch"? I dunno. Anyways, just keep being you. It's kind of cool to be so unique you have to be your own label, amirite? ;)

[voldieshorts.livejournal.com]

I too suffer from PCOS. I have wicked facial hair and without birthcontrol I would never have periods. I went through a period in my life where I just told my self I was neither male or female. It wasnt until later that I started calling myself the bearded lady lol. My point is, maybe you're not feeling much like a girl because your condition has masculine traits? Gender is fluid enough to never have to choose a label. but since you have a medical conditon that pushes boundaries hormonally (ie men grow beards and women dont kind of thing) it could make things complicated. Point is, you are who you feel like being. and if you're a bearded lady like me, then that's okay too!