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vaginapagina2012-03-11 01:59 pm
needed-rain.livejournal.com) wrote in vaginapagina2012-03-11 01:59 pm
sex/abstinence/relationships are complicated
Hey superstars,
I'm a straight cis-female, and have been in a relationship for a year and a half (with a cis-male). We share the same faith, but have differing views on what it means for sexuality. I am okay with pre-marital sex in a monogamous relationship, while he is uncomfortable with any kind of pre-marital sexual activity (this includes breast/ass groping). So far, it's worked fine-- in my opinion, if a couple disagrees on boundaries, they ought to go with the more conservative boundary, so as to avoid making people uncomfortable. Even though I would establish different boundaries for myself, I've accepted his boundaries as our boundaries.
This is my partner's first relationship. I've been in relationships before, including sexual ones, but the sexual aspect has never been healthy-- sex is all tangled up in guilt and self-abuse. My only experience of PIV sex (which was also my most recent sexual encounter) was an extended case of sexual abuse by an authority figure. In a previous sexual relationship, my partner would initiate sexual activity, and then blame me for participating. So, my experience of sex is tangled and nasty and uncomfortable.
My current relationship has been really good for me-- it's a safe space to engage in some erotic touch and plenty of kissing, and because my partner has more conservative boundaries than I do, I never feel pushed. I've finally been able to start masturbating again; orgasms used to just be scary, because I related them to rape (the only time I've ever had an orgasm with someone else was in a non-consensual encounter, and it sucked). I even had two orgasms while making out recently-- no genital touching, just brain-gasms, and it was awesome and exciting, but I didn't feel comfortable sharing the news with my partner, because I'm afraid it would make him uncomfortable.
I also still have loads of trouble with guilt-- if my partner admits that he's uncomfortable with something I'm doing, or needs to take a break to get himself under control, I immediately feel awful and guilty and wretched, like I'm perverting this lovely innocent self-controlled man (even though I know that isn't true.)
So, I feel like I'm in this very weird situation, where my partner is doing wonders for my sex life, but he has no idea, and if I told him it would make him uncomfortable. And lately (this is pretty much the tl;dr version) I've started getting really annoyed that we don't have more liberal boundaries. I'm not sure I'm ready for PIV sex yet-- there's a load of aforementioned baggage there-- but I feel like I've made loads of progress and then stalemated, because we can't go any further without making my partner uncomfortable, which I don't want to do.
I haven't articulated a question yet. I guess what I'm wondering is 1) ideas to keep me from resenting my man's boundaries and 2) ideas to help me respect them more. Or 3) is there a non-aggressive way to bring up the topic and see if he'd be willing to re-consider some boundaries, without making him feel uncomfortable or pressured in any way? I do not want to pressure him!!!! I would much rather be a bit frustrated than have him uncomfortable.
Um... so. Ideas? Advice?
I'm a straight cis-female, and have been in a relationship for a year and a half (with a cis-male). We share the same faith, but have differing views on what it means for sexuality. I am okay with pre-marital sex in a monogamous relationship, while he is uncomfortable with any kind of pre-marital sexual activity (this includes breast/ass groping). So far, it's worked fine-- in my opinion, if a couple disagrees on boundaries, they ought to go with the more conservative boundary, so as to avoid making people uncomfortable. Even though I would establish different boundaries for myself, I've accepted his boundaries as our boundaries.
This is my partner's first relationship. I've been in relationships before, including sexual ones, but the sexual aspect has never been healthy-- sex is all tangled up in guilt and self-abuse. My only experience of PIV sex (which was also my most recent sexual encounter) was an extended case of sexual abuse by an authority figure. In a previous sexual relationship, my partner would initiate sexual activity, and then blame me for participating. So, my experience of sex is tangled and nasty and uncomfortable.
My current relationship has been really good for me-- it's a safe space to engage in some erotic touch and plenty of kissing, and because my partner has more conservative boundaries than I do, I never feel pushed. I've finally been able to start masturbating again; orgasms used to just be scary, because I related them to rape (the only time I've ever had an orgasm with someone else was in a non-consensual encounter, and it sucked). I even had two orgasms while making out recently-- no genital touching, just brain-gasms, and it was awesome and exciting, but I didn't feel comfortable sharing the news with my partner, because I'm afraid it would make him uncomfortable.
I also still have loads of trouble with guilt-- if my partner admits that he's uncomfortable with something I'm doing, or needs to take a break to get himself under control, I immediately feel awful and guilty and wretched, like I'm perverting this lovely innocent self-controlled man (even though I know that isn't true.)
So, I feel like I'm in this very weird situation, where my partner is doing wonders for my sex life, but he has no idea, and if I told him it would make him uncomfortable. And lately (this is pretty much the tl;dr version) I've started getting really annoyed that we don't have more liberal boundaries. I'm not sure I'm ready for PIV sex yet-- there's a load of aforementioned baggage there-- but I feel like I've made loads of progress and then stalemated, because we can't go any further without making my partner uncomfortable, which I don't want to do.
I haven't articulated a question yet. I guess what I'm wondering is 1) ideas to keep me from resenting my man's boundaries and 2) ideas to help me respect them more. Or 3) is there a non-aggressive way to bring up the topic and see if he'd be willing to re-consider some boundaries, without making him feel uncomfortable or pressured in any way? I do not want to pressure him!!!! I would much rather be a bit frustrated than have him uncomfortable.
Um... so. Ideas? Advice?
no subject
I'm religious and I've encountered people who have different views on how far to go before marriage, etc. Mine currently hover around won't go all the way but I'll go pretty far ;). I'd ask him WHY he has chosen these boundaries. What about them are important to him, and if he's had any change of mind since you've started dating. (this may help you as well, if he doesn't want to change anything, so you can at least get why he feels this way.) At least get the conversation started, it may take him time to come up with an answer. There's a lot of guilt associated with sexuality and religion in general and getting over that is difficult. I'd tell him how being somewhat sexual with him has helped you so much, so that he can start to view it in a positive light. I think that the most problematic part is the fact that you feel like you can't communicate with him about sexual stuff, which is important in a relationship even if you're not having sex. If you guys can come to the same boundaries, or even just have better communication on the subject, where both of you are comfortable and fulfilled, then your relationship will be in much better shape, because you don't want to start resenting him.
Take it slow, be gentle, and understand it takes time in any relationship to get on the same page sometimes. It sounds like you really care for him and I wish you all the best of luck <333
no subject
Yes, exactly. I'm getting nervous because I feel like I'm going to start resenting him, and I don't want to.
For me, sex includes any time you're naked and trying to come-- so, there's not so much a difference between fingering, oral, and PIV. I know he has the same definition of sex as I do, just different ideas of when it's okay. His hesitations about groping are more "Will I be able to keep myself from having sex if I'm fondling and kissing her breasts?" than "Kissing breasts, in and of itself, is bad!"
I think a lot of my potential resentment stems from the idea that his boundaries are just based on "what is appropriate" (his family is pretty Big On Morals) rather than what he, himself, from his own interpretations of things, thinks is okay. But yeah... definitely something I need to talk to him about, not the internet.
Last night we had a semi-conversation about it, and he indicated that he might be re-thinking some boundaries, but since I'm ovulating sexytimes have been through the roof, and there hasn't been a non-sexytimes opportunity to chat about it.
Your comment is one of those comments that articulates some elusive bits of my own thinking. Thanks!
no subject
If you guys think of sex the same way, what about trying different options that don't fall under that, so you're both satisfied but not crossing that line? Mutual masturbation, for one, or just exploring other options together in general. If he's more worried about losing control than the morality of the act itself, you can find ways where you both are satisfied but are not having sex, and have sort of stop gap measures in place so you don't have sex. I think there's definitely lots of possibility, but it will really all just start with better communication. :)
I think you've got a great attitude about this situation and hopefully you guys can move forwards together. Best of luck! <3