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vaginapagina2012-02-03 08:35 pm
stonemesilly.livejournal.com) wrote in vaginapagina2012-02-03 08:35 pm
Sex & Such
Back story: Went to detox for alcohol issues and then to a halfway house because I had burned all my bridges and didn't have anywhere else to go in 04/2010. I met a guy in AA and decided to move in with him after I "graduated" the house in 10/2010. We had only been together a few weeks but it was clear it was a serious long-term thing for the both of us.
Issue: He feels that I'm very needy, he never gets any time to himself, and that I'm always hanging all over him. I feel so lonely. We might spend time together as in we're both in the same room at the same time but it just doesn't feel like "time" to me if that makes any sense. I tried to tell him this and tells me I'm being dramatic but how can you be dramatic if you're just saying how you feel? I'd love to just lay in bed in each others arms and watch a movie or something. That would just make me feel so good and connected. I know it's not his him thing but it makes me feel rejected that he can't do that for me. I sometimes to freak out when we aren't having as much sex as we use to because I feel like when he wants to have sex with him that that means that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me. I don't know what to do? I want to get my point across without sounding batshit insane because there is something missing. I almost feel starving for attention that I seek it out in inappropriate ways for being in a monogamous relationship and I wouldn't want him to do that to me so I don't want to do that to him. I also want to try to cool down my stange-5 clinger-ness but I don't know how.
Issue: He feels that I'm very needy, he never gets any time to himself, and that I'm always hanging all over him. I feel so lonely. We might spend time together as in we're both in the same room at the same time but it just doesn't feel like "time" to me if that makes any sense. I tried to tell him this and tells me I'm being dramatic but how can you be dramatic if you're just saying how you feel? I'd love to just lay in bed in each others arms and watch a movie or something. That would just make me feel so good and connected. I know it's not his him thing but it makes me feel rejected that he can't do that for me. I sometimes to freak out when we aren't having as much sex as we use to because I feel like when he wants to have sex with him that that means that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me. I don't know what to do? I want to get my point across without sounding batshit insane because there is something missing. I almost feel starving for attention that I seek it out in inappropriate ways for being in a monogamous relationship and I wouldn't want him to do that to me so I don't want to do that to him. I also want to try to cool down my stange-5 clinger-ness but I don't know how.
no subject
I have to agree with the part about introverts and extroverts. My husband is SO great around people. He LOVES talking to everyone who will listen to him for hours on end. I can do this too, but sometimes I just need some ME time to calm down and stay centered in myself.
OP - I really like physical contact, I always touch, hug, kiss, pet, and cuddle at my husband ALL the time. If it were up to me, I'd be physically attached to him all day. In the beginning I guess I felt like if he didn't want me to hang on him often (okay it really wasn't 24/7 but it was pretty often) I felt like he didn't like me, or want me near him. I felt a bit rejected and it made me sad and crabby. But honestly, after talking to him and learning more about him, his past, and his views, I realized that it wasn't about *me*. It was about issues that he had with himself and his experiences. I tried my best to be understanding and started trying to see the ways HE shows affection to me. It helped me feel a lot more secure in my relationship, knowing that he wanted me around, but that he had different ways of showing it.
I don't know how things will work out between you and your SO, but I congratulate you on your recovery and hope things start picking up for you and your SO. My only advice would be to sit down and try to discuss things in a calm manner, letting him know what you feel you need, and what he feels he needs. Therapy is also an amazing option :) My husband and I are going ourselves.
no subject
I second this. I have clingy issues too, but it took me some time to realize taht this is because I keep looking at what he's NOT giving me, instead of what he has and is and will. and then it made me think that just because someone doesn't love you exactly the way you want them too, doesn't mean they're not loving you with everything they have. of course this isn't to dismiss your needs or your feelings. just to help you gain some perspective, cuz I know it's really hard to see straight when you're feeling needy.
and I also agree with other posters. don't let him dismiss your needs or feelings either.