Sex & Such

[stonemesilly.livejournal.com]

Back story: Went to detox for alcohol issues and then to a halfway house because I had burned all my bridges and didn't have anywhere else to go in 04/2010. I met a guy in AA and decided to move in with him after I "graduated" the house in 10/2010. We had only been together a few weeks but it was clear it was a serious long-term thing for the both of us.

Issue: He feels that I'm very needy, he never gets any time to himself, and that I'm always hanging all over him. I feel so lonely. We might spend time together as in we're both in the same room at the same time but it just doesn't feel like "time" to me if that makes any sense. I tried to tell him this and tells me I'm being dramatic but how can you be dramatic if you're just saying how you feel? I'd love to just lay in bed in each others arms and watch a movie or something. That would just make me feel so good and connected. I know it's not his him thing but it makes me feel rejected that he can't do that for me. I sometimes to freak out when we aren't having as much sex as we use to because I feel like when he wants to have sex with him that that means that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me. I don't know what to do? I want to get my point across without sounding batshit insane because there is something missing. I almost feel starving for attention that I seek it out in inappropriate ways for being in a monogamous relationship and I wouldn't want him to do that to me so I don't want to do that to him. I also want to try to cool down my stange-5 clinger-ness but I don't know how. 

Comments

[skankkbby.livejournal.com]

..There's a reason AA meetings warn us that addicts should not get together with addicts, especially those going through the program..

I really don't know how to explain my thoughts on the matter without sounding very rude, and I hope you realize that this is not my intent...

It sounds to me like you are both still dealing with the effects of your addictions..

It may not be obvious to you in person, but from what I can understand from your post (which is not a lot, so my opinion is 100% valid) it's not difficult to tell that both of your behaviors indicate that neither of you are at the state you need to be to hold a serious, healthy relationship whilst living together.

When I say "behaviors," I mean that yours seem to be co-dependency and constant need for reassurance that you are still loved, and that your partner is still attracted to you.
His would be the distance thing; suggesting you are overreacting, or being dramatic in expressing your feelings makes me feel like maybe he is not used to that healthy type of communication.
Also, spontaneous decisions like moving in together after only a few weeks is a common aspect of the recovering addict..

[archangelbeth]

The best way to not be clingy is... well, it's a catch-22 in some ways. If you feel secure in your relationship, then you won't be as clingy. But if you're not feeling secure, deciding, "Oh, I'm fine" isn't likely to work. Also, it may be that you need different things than your partner, affection-display-wise. Some people need their space. Some people need touching. You may be two perfectly good people who are just not actually suited to have a relationship with each other!

(For an example: introverts tend to "Recharge" by being alone. Extroverts "recharge" by being with other people. Extroverts are very draining to introverts! I should know -- I'm more introverted than not, and I have an extrovert kid! Waugh!)

Another issue is y'all's support structures. It sounds like you only have HIM. No other friends, no family? That's a lot of pressure on him, especially if he is dealing with his own issues at the same time. Basically, he can't be expected to have the "spoons" to cope with giving you everything you NEED, because... it's almost impossible for any one person to do that, even if two people don't have other issues to deal with.

Can you access some form of counseling that will help you sort out what you Need from your partner, versus what needs you can get filled in other ways, by other people?

(And, finally, please go read youarenotcrazy.com -- because there is the possibility that you are with someone who is only able to feel secure when he's standing on the emotions of others. "Don't be dramatic" is not a helpful response. It may simply be someone dealing with his own issues, who is unable to be helpful, but it's basically dismissing your emotions in a way that makes you more upset and insecure, and you don't have anyone else except him. Emotional abusers thrive on having a victim who can't go anywhere else. ...your relationship may not be toxic in that fashion, but I really think it's important that you take a good, hard look, just in case it's sliding in that direction.)

Good luck!

[jhotas.livejournal.com]

what skankkbby said.

and, are you in individual therapy? i'm glad you've come so far in your recovery, but it seems like there are some interpersonal concerns that you may benefit from seeking additional counseling for. perhaps couples counseling as well, but you may want to investigate some of your needs individually first.

it sounds like you've become addicted to his attention, and you crave it when you aren't getting it and you're doing everything you can to get it. it sounds like you're putting your self worth completely dependent on him (and things like how often you're having sex). i would really encourage you to seek therapy.

[sweetchild92.livejournal.com]

Congrats on your continuing recovery!

Amount of sex can change throughout time in a relationship. So amount of sex is not always going to correlate with amount of attraction.

[rivulet027.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

[atalanta0jess.livejournal.com]

I think that it is so so important to learn self-soothing strategies to help us in relationships. Just like how they talk about "HALT" in alcohol treatment, times when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired are dangerous for your relationship in the sense that those are the times you are most likely to be needy and act unproductively out of that need.

It sounds like you are working your needs, which is a positive thing. Something inside of you is saying "I need more!" But the problem is that you are trying to meet those needs in ways that aren't helpful - either by needing more from him than he is able to give (and in general, it's good to have multiple ways of meeting our needs, cause partners can't be there 100%), or by looking outside the relationship. Your challenge is to find more positive ways to meet those needs. It sounds like you need to feel grounded and connected. So, find other ways of feeling connected. Make some friends, write a letter to a loved one, do some volunteer work, hang out with an animal, wrap yourself tightly in a blanket and stroke your own hair, get some exercise, etc. Reassure yourself by saying over and over "it is normal for the amount of sex to vary," or even better, something that reminds you that even if he is not attracted to you, you are OK.

You are ok. You are ok without his attraction, without his love. Building your sense of ok-ness will allow you to be in relationship in a healthier way.