vaginapagina | Guilt from dominance/erotic humiliation

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Guilt from dominance/erotic humiliation

I'm having something of a identity crisis right now. I was approached yesterday about, well at first it was about just selling panties. I laughed it off but my boyfriend said why not see what they had to say on it. The person who approached me about it and I talked business. In the end I decided it was a good enough deal for virtually nothing so sure why not. We talked more and they asked if for some extra money I'd be willing to do some erotic humiliation? Only 2 times a month and just online/phone to start with so I could get comfortable with it. I asked how much and the amount was..really nice lol. I said sure why not. We got into trying out some humiliation last night and he said it was good for being a noob at it. After we parted ways for the night I sat down with my boyfriend and talked out how I was feeling about the prospect. It is a very strange role for me to step into b/c I am, by nature, very submissive. There is a part of me that can be very dominate when asked, but my problem is I was raised to be a perfect little doll. My mother always told me to be polite to everyone and never say anything to put them down. And now I'm being asked to do so. Which, in the moment I can do easily and well enough. My problem is feelings of guilt afterwards. Everyone is a consensual adult in the situation and I'm not unhappy doing it. It's just..trying to get past this feeling of I'm doing something "wrong" Any help would be appreciated.

ETA: Thank you for the input. I do need to remember it's just an act. For some reason there's a lot of things I can do and I shift out of who I really am and take on this alter ego but with this I think it's just so new that's it's thrown me.

Also, I'm not really all the uncomfortable with it. Just trying to break out of, oh that isn't nice to do. I'm a sugary sweet person like 95% of the time and even that 5% that I'm not I'm still really polite. My boyfriend told me I just need to remember this isn't making my I guess client? it isn't making him unhappy. He said it really makes him super happy. So I just need to shift my idea of what I can do to make someone happy.

This is why I love this community though. Every last one of you, are always so helpful. So positive, and so wonderful. I never feel like I'm going to be rejected or thought to be stupid for wanting to do something outside the normal realms of..normal. <3333

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If the acting is something you are comfortable doing, I would just remind yourself that is all it is--acting! It is not the "real" you, just you playing pretend :)

i would ask someone in the askthekinksters group. they would probably be really good at this kind of stuff.

and yeah, remember that you're acting and that it's not you who is putting someone down, it's the person who is making a decent amount of money!

This might be a little out there. But really, really act, take on a new name while you're doing this. Really play a character. Think of stuff she likes, doesn't like. etc. Form her in your mind and use her so you don't feel uncomfortable.

This is a fantastic idea! I think it seems like it would help a lot by really reinforcing the idea that you're playing a persona, a character in a play. You aren't even writing the script--your clients are.

Nobody should do something they are uncomfortable with - - and you don't sound comfortable.

Even if you can cope in the moment, if you walk away and feel bad... you should probably pay attention to that feeling.

Just my 2 cents.

Yeah, I agree with this. I've had experiences in this vein (not the same circumstances, but in terms of feeling okay in the moment but being uneasy) and I wish I'd made a different choice. If you're going to regret it, it's not worth any amount of cash.

I'm not regretting it. It's just a slight guilt afterwards b/c I'm so hardwired to be polite to people. What's really making it tempting is that I'm currently living my abusive ex husband who''s given me a small window of time to get a job and leave. Since I have both mental and physical blocks that keep me from easily finding work it adds a little stress. After this experience I've learned what my price is.

So it sounds like you're not uncomfortable with the work you're doing, just your reaction to it, right? I totally agree that you shouldn't do something that makes you feel uneasy, but from what you've written it sounds like you do actually want to engage in this exchange.

So, that being said:

I also ADORE The (new) Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (less than $10 on abebooks). While there's certainly lots to learn about the HOWs of being kinky, this is really about the WHY. They have some great suggestions and the book is really easy and fun to read. I'm a pretty pervy girl and this is the first book on kink that I ever read - it's served me very well.

I've also loved the book "Exhibitionism for the Shy" by Carol Queen. It's easy to find (less than $3 with shipping on abebooks.com!) and is packed with good info. The title's, uh, pretty self-explanatory. ;)

Other folks have mentioned that this is acting and I think that's a really good thing to keep in mind. Really, it's all a game of make-believe and if everyone is having fun (including you!) then awesome!

I don't know how much familiarity you have with kink outside of this, but I think the concept of aftercare is a really good one to know about. Basically the idea is that after doing something intense (like humiliation or a spanking or whatever) some people can need a bit of interaction to reset. Usually it's framed in the context of caring for the receiving partner, but it's important for those of us administering the experience as well - after all, we're on that journey too! Usually this consists of some sort of calm touching (cuddling or whatever), but over the phone it could just be asking/instructing your client to tell you three things he liked or something about how good he feels about this or whatever you can think of that you'd need as a small reassurance that you haven't damaged him. Sometimes interacting with someone over the phone can feel nicely insulated (they can't see the weird expressions on my face!) but sometimes it removes us from seeing the enjoyment our partners feel that's beyond their voice. While your interaction has the extra layer that this is a paid experience (go you!) you're absolutely still a participant in your exchange with this fellow and, as such, should feel righteous in making this work for you too. Besides, if he likes being bossed around it can be simple to shift the "Hey, can you please reassure me a bit?" feeling to saying something like "And now you're going to tell me about the things you liked" that's a little more in-character. If the roleplay is all about him "not wanting" to do something that you're "forcing" him to do and you're really concerned that this after-fantasy talk would ruin the mood (I'm not sure how you end your calls now), you could always instruct him to send you an email within X amount of time or tell you about your previous call at the beginning of your next one. These are all just ideas, of course, and I'm sure you're able to figure out a bit more about whatever would be good for you!

As a quick note, I please remember that while there's probably an emotional connection, phone sex is a business relationship. If the charm disappears you can always end it, and if this person has healthy boundaries (important!) they'll respect that.

*beth points upwards* All this!

This. Top drop is a thing too, and you may want/need aftercare after doing something you've been taught is not nice. It also doesn't have to be from your client if you don't feel comfortable with that- you could spend some time with your boyfriend snuggling or talking.

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