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vaginapagina2010-05-29 08:38 am
betterbebalboa.livejournal.com) wrote in vaginapagina2010-05-29 08:38 am
bad experience
Hi all, I had a really bad sexual experience last night, the kind of thing where I felt happy this morning until I remembered what had happened and it all came crashing down. I just wanted to be able to talk about it and ask what I should do next.
There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.
I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.
If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.
There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.
I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.
If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.
no subject
This happened to me, too. You did what you had to to survive the situation, which in your case was not to hit and kick and yell, but to shut down and get through it. That's what I did, too, and it doesn't make it any less rape. Here's what helped me:
Naming it. Calling it Rape, even though there are people who will argue that because there was no gun or knife, that because you didn't scream loud enough to wake the building, that because you had allowed some sexual touching that it's something else. It's not.
Talking about it. Or talking about how you feel about it, without recounting the whole story again. Find someone you can trust, and tell them as much as you can, as often as you need to. Is there a women's resource group on your campus? They might have a counselor, or a group, you can talk to. Or there's VP. Or there's survivor groups on LJ (sorry, I don't have links, but I know they're there.) Or hell, there's me. I keep odd hours (usually up until 2-3am west coast time) sixinchheels @ gmail.com - you can email me, or use googlechat if you've got it. I've got other messengers too, but I don't usually keep them running. If you send an email I can start up AIM or yahoo or msn. I know I'm a stranger and it's tough to reach out to people you don't know, but I'll do whatever I can. Really.
Time. It's normal to be fucked up over this for a while. Possibly a long while. it's fresh and raw right now, but you will get back to yourself and be okay. Really.
x0x0x0
no subject
I don't feel comfortable calling this rape. I feel like doing so would make the word too nebulous, and take away from what it means in terms of forcible sex. I would call it sexual assault, immoral, coercion, taking advantage, etc.
I am going to see a counselor through my campus mental health center - I don't really want to talk to a group, I just want to talk to one person at a time. I can't make an appointment until Monday, though. I might call a hotline tomorrow if it feels urgent.
Again, thanks for the support.