bad experience

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Hi all, I had a really bad sexual experience last night, the kind of thing where I felt happy this morning until I remembered what had happened and it all came crashing down. I just wanted to be able to talk about it and ask what I should do next.

There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.

I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.

If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.

Comments

[jocelina.livejournal.com]

I think you're absolutely right -- a normal, decent person would indeed realize that someone crying, asking to go home, and being intoxicated enough to throw up is not someone who is in a state to offer meaningful consent. Moreover, the fact that you felt that you had to sleep with him in order for him to help you get out of his apartment sets off major warning bells for me -- he may not have said so directly, but clearly he was behaving in a way that made you feel that way, and that was also very wrong of him, as were all of his other actions (taking you somewhere you hadn't agreed to go, responding callously to you being upset and sick, and initiating sex even though you were clearly not in a state to offer meaningful consent).

As others have said, consent is generally only considered valid when it's given by someone who is not intoxicated. How you choose to apply that to your situation is totally up to you, but do know that you definitely do not have to consider what he did okay because of what you said.

I've had something similar happen, which left me feeling pretty bad, too. I was drunk and in a guy's apartment and felt like I had to sleep with him. I was too drunk to go home (I had a car there, but I was in no condition to drive it), and he was all, "Just sleep here, there won't be any cabs this late." I also technically consented, and he wasn't physically barring me from leaving or physically forcing me to have sex, but I didn't want to. For me (and for many people, I imagine) being that drunk (drunk enough to throw up, I mean) leaves me feeling/acting pretty powerless. Sober, I probably would have pushed him off of me and left his apartment, but being drunk I feel like I let him sort of guide me into doing what he wanted to do, and I don't think that he cared much (or at all) about what I might have wanted. I felt pretty bad afterward, too.

For me, it helped to remember that I hadn't done anything wrong -- I'd trusted that another person was a good person, and he wasn't. It wasn't my fault, just as this is not in any way, shape, or form your fault. If this guy had behaved like a decent human being, nothing bad would have happened. He would have called you a cab, or let you crash on his couch, and you wouldn't be feeling the way you are.

I didn't talk to anyone about what happened, but looking back I think that that might have been helpful. If you have campus or other resources (like RAINN) that you feel comfortable drawing on, I would encourage you to give them a try if you feel it might be helpful. Sometimes just talking over your feelings with someone friendly and sympathetic can help.

As far as avoiding him, I saw in the comments that you're almost done with your program, so hopefully it won't be too difficult. Do you have one or two close friends in the same program you could ask to help you out? You wouldn't have to tell them what happened, just that you don't want to be alone with or even really talk to this guy, and ask them if they could try to stick with you in any social/academic situations where he's present, so that you're not stuck talking to him on your own.

This comment is getting super-long, so I'm going to stop now, but I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I hope that you feel better.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

I didn't remember it until this morning, but I definitely got up as I was crying, picked up my purse and tried to leave. I wasn't too steady on my feet, obviously. He stopped me and steered me back to the bed, where I hugged my purse for a while, until he took it away from me. So I think that's where I got the sense that he either wouldn't let me or wouldn't help me leave until I slept with him; I don't think it was just my imagination.

I do want to seek counseling, but that's going to have to wait until I finish my final projects.

[jocelina.livejournal.com]

Definitely not your imagination -- he may not have outright said that you had to do what he wanted before he would let you leave, but I think his actions said it just as clearly as words would have. No wonder you felt that you couldn't go. God, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can't emphasize enough that what he did was 100% wrong, and that he is the only one at fault here.

And as far as counseling, definitely seek it out in your own time. It's not something you have to do right away (or ever, if you don't want to). The resources are there, and you can use them whenever the time is right.