bad experience

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Hi all, I had a really bad sexual experience last night, the kind of thing where I felt happy this morning until I remembered what had happened and it all came crashing down. I just wanted to be able to talk about it and ask what I should do next.

There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.

I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.

If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.

Comments

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

Just to add that my thoughts will be with you, and I'm sure I'm not the only VPer who wishes they could be at your side to help you through this.

I think it's best to make sure you actively avoid this person on campus and in class if at all possible. Maybe tell lecturers/group leaders that you would prefer not to be paired with him or in a group with him in class. They should respect that. I'm worried that any dialogue at all will give him a chance to reframe this as a fling, or one night stand, as this is very common. I'd hate to see any internal resolution you come to undermined by those tactics that are specifically designed to induce self-doubt.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

It shouldn't be too much of a problem - all we have left is graduation, and besides that, social events among people in our program, but he and I don't really have the same friends in the program, so we shouldn't really come into contact. At most, we'll be in the same large room together while people are mingling. Unless he specifically comes up to me to talk, he should be easy to avoid. I imagine he might be avoiding me too.

[paraxeni.livejournal.com]

When you're feeling a bit more settled, there's an interesting article at Feministe that basically investigates the sort of thing that happened to you, and how scarily common it is.

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/03/25/predator-theory/

[leeshers.livejournal.com]

oh HUGS!

If you do not care to take legal action, some schools also have internal scantions for behavior that is unbefitting a person of that school. I agree that whatever action you choose to take is perfectly ok, it is your choice. I just thought I would let you know.