bad experience

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Hi all, I had a really bad sexual experience last night, the kind of thing where I felt happy this morning until I remembered what had happened and it all came crashing down. I just wanted to be able to talk about it and ask what I should do next.

There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.

I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.

If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.

Comments

[whatwe-know.livejournal.com]

Oh damn. Please take this humongous e-hug! I wish there was more I could offer!

You are not a slut. This was not your fault. This person manipulated you and took advantage of you. What he did was clearly wrong, first in taking you to his place instead of one where people were gathering, second in initiating kissing which indicates his intentions, third in ignoring your obvious drunkenness/distress/explicit desire to go home, fourth in prolonging the agony to manipulate you into your ersatz consent. What he did was awful.

Is there anyone you can talk to that's outside of the program? What about campus or local or national resources provided for survivors of sexual violence/abuse?

I'm so so so sorry you had to endure that. I hope you heal quickly! Many people encourage survivors of sexual manipulation, whatever the circumstances, to do something to reclaim their bodies/minds in a positive manner. Is there anything you could treat yourself to?

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

I talked to my roommate, which was really helpful. I'd like to talk to a counselor, but since all my final projects are almost due, I feel like I won't really have time until later in the week. I mean, yes, if I wrote my professors and asked for an extension because I needed to seek counseling for an incident, they would *definitely* grant one - they would probably let me have more time even without a reason. But I don't really want to do that. I think it would make me feel best now to get through a lot of work and feel capable in that regard.

As for my body, it's kind of sad, because I was planning to see someone I've been casually dating (non-monogamously) after I finished my finals, and I was really looking forward to it. Now I feel kind of weird at the idea of having sex. I don't know if going to the gym and working out exhaustively and then taking a really hot shower will help, or if I'm just going to need time.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

But I don't really want to do that. I think it would make me feel best now to get through a lot of work and feel capable in that regard.

You can have both options if you give your professors a heads-up that you may need an extension and ask for one just in case. If it turns out you're able to dive into work and get the degree wrapped up and get that blast of endorphins (managing your own brain chemistry is important!), then you won't have needed the extension, but better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, you know? Emotional states can be very labile after the kind of experience you've had, so if you find yourself needing to take advantage of an extension, asking for one will be one less thing you'll have to do.