bad experience

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

Hi all, I had a really bad sexual experience last night, the kind of thing where I felt happy this morning until I remembered what had happened and it all came crashing down. I just wanted to be able to talk about it and ask what I should do next.

There's a guy in my graduate program who's been flirting with me for a while. Last night our program hosted a party for us. At the end, people were heading to different apartments to continue celebrating. The guy mentioned heading to someone's place, so I left with him, thinking I would spend a little time there before heading home. I was very drunk. He took me to his apartment instead and started making out with me. I don't even know what set it off, but I started crying and totally breaking down, apologizing and asking to go home. I know that I really didn't want to have sex with him and I just wanted to go home. I was curled up and crying hysterically. All I really remember him saying are things like "This isn't what I expected" and "I'm kind of bored." I threw up a couple times from being so drunk. I felt like he wouldn't let me/help me go home until I slept with him, so I did. I just kind of gave in. I felt really cold and awful while we were having sex, which is not at all how I usually feel. [He used a condom.] Then he called me a ride and I was able to get home.

I've never had something like this happen to me before; I'm generally very assertive about what I want and don't want sexually. Right now I feel like shit, just ashamed and confused. I know he didn't literally assault me, he waited for me to verbally consent, but I feel like a normal person would have realized that me crying hysterically, asking repeatedly to go home, and being so drunk that I was throwing up was not a time when I *could* really consent. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to get him in trouble or give him a bad name, I just want to pretend like this never happened - I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I don't want anyone else in my program to know this happened.

If you could give me any advice about how to avoid him, or just help me not to feel like a dumb slut, it would be much appreciated.

Comments

[meximanian.livejournal.com]

This is a really shitty situation. This guy obviously has no respect for you or probably any other woman. He saw you were vulnerable and swooped in like a vulture.

Then when you were throwing up, sobbing, asking to go home he still coerced you into having sex. I know how you feel won't stop just by us saying it wasn't your fault, but it truly was not your fault. This guy sounds like a predator.

As for how to avoid him...how big is your program? Is it small where everyone is expected to be friends? Will you have to interact with him in the future?

If it's big enough to avoid I would send him an email telling him that you were sick, crying, asking to go home and he still thought it was ok to have sex so therefore you would like no more contact with him.

If there is a possibility that you will have to interact with him I would find a dean/advisor in your program that you could talk to make sure there is no contact in the future. This of course may start an investigation which could "accidentally" be made public so if you do decide to tell a Dean I would also see if your campus has a women's right org/women's health center to go talk to (soon if possible) before talking to admin so you know what your rights are in this situation.

Finally, I hate that I even have to add this but it is likely that if you do confront him he will try to retaliate by spreading rumors etc. and I don't say this to make you fearful but rather to make you aware that this is often how guys like that react (b/c nothing is ever their fault). And it is something you should take into consideration b/c making this public could lead to lots of other issues.

[betterbebalboa.livejournal.com]

The school definitely does have very good resources, and perhaps I'll use some of them.

It's a big program and we're about to graduate, so he shouldn't be too hard to avoid. I don't want to contact him, though, not even in writing.

Because this is a graduate program that's heavily invested in feminist and liberal politics, I feel like if this ever did go public, people would be pretty supportive of me, especially since they know I'm not the type to promote needless drama, but it's something I'd really rather avoid.

[meximanian.livejournal.com]

Oh I had assumed your program had just started, so then avoiding him will probably be a lot easier.

Good luck w/this, I'm really sorry that it happened.