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vaginapagina2010-02-27 02:34 am
pigbum.livejournal.com) wrote in vaginapagina2010-02-27 02:34 am
(no subject)
Hi, I'm one of those long-term contributing members who doesn't dare post with their real user name. I'm looking for some support, and some advice.
I'm 23. I shall tell my tale in chronological order, under the cut. I've never told anyone all of this before, although various people have heard various parts.
When I was very young, although I can't be certain of my age (around 6-9), a 13ish year old cousin of mine used to visit annually, and he used to touch me inappropriately. My memories of this period are sketchy, but I do remember that he constructed a sci-fi game that involved him using my nightdress as a "dressing" for his "injured eyes". I was very aware of not wearing underwear under my nightdress, so he was getting a good look at everything between my legs. If I turned away, he told me I'd suffer back injury, and I also very clearly remember the feel of his erection against my feet and legs. I also know that I used to fret over how I could avoid his visits for years to come. I repressed all of this until I was around sixteen, and read an Ian McEwan short story that focused on incest, and it slowly came back, in dribs and drabs. It was horrific. I shared a watered down version of my new, frightening memories with my best female friend of the time, although in less detail, but she dismissed them and said "all cousins go through confused sexual feelings". She made me feel like I was crying wolf, and I accepted my experiences as normal.
I do remember being 13, however, on my last family holiday before my parents split. We were in New York, and I was in the hotel bathroom peeing. My urine hit a boil, or spot, on my inner labia and it was agony. I didn't dare tell anyone. I've had oral cold-sores for as long as I can remember.
When I lost my virginity, it didn't hurt at all. Several men who felt my vagina beforehand commented on how "loose" I was, and I don't remember feeling my hymen break, even though I'd never been sporty, or used tampons. Over my teenage years, I had multiple sexual partners. We always used condoms, but I also always remember these occasional spot-like boils. I was too young to take responsibility, or admit I had been - technically - sexually active since I was six, so I ignored them. When I reached eighteen or so, I realised I probably had herpes. I went to see my GP, in the hope of having my sores checked out, but also with the intention of being put on the pill.
Said doctor launched straight in with a speech about how I was morbidly obese (I was a size UK16) and I left without mentioning any of my sexual health problems, in tears. Since then, I've also visited a Brook Advisory clinic, during which the nurse bought out a diagram to demonstrate how overweight I was compared to herself. I concluded the pill was clearly not for me. I must stress, I was still a young, inexperienced girl. I had never had consensual sex without a condom (although several men had forced themselves into me over the years, when we'd been fooling around, even though I'd said I didn't want to sleep with them without a condom). I have since had a further twenty sexual partners, always with condoms (although again, apart from one man who forced himself upon me despite my protests), but never when I've had a "sore". I just ignored my problems, and hoped they'd go away.
I'm now 23, and have since come to terms with the fact that I very likely have herpes. I have not had full sex with anyone for two years, since I realised "sores" on the vagina aren't normal. I'm haunted by how I - technically - lost my virginity, and I'm now terrified that I've passed herpes onto the various sexual partners that I've had over the years, including at least three that forced themselves upon me when I said no.
I'm frightened to go to a doctor, in case they don't see past my weight (I'm a size UK18, and 5'3"), or judge me for my former mistakes, or judge me for not seeing a medical professional sooner.
Additionally, my father was a surgeon, so any previous medial issues I've ever suffered (such as sprained ankles, blocked ears, etc) were always dealt with by him. He died last year (suddenly, horribly) and the thought of being near a doctor breaks my heart. I miss him so much, the only comfort I have is knowing that he'll never know that I was abused.
I feel so fucked up, and complicated, and diseased, and disgusting. My family are so loving, close; I've always been the self-harming, drug-taking fuck up. Now that I'm an adult, I recognise how broken I am... but I still have these health issues that I'm too frightened to deal with.
I guess I just wanted to tell someone about it all.
I'm 23. I shall tell my tale in chronological order, under the cut. I've never told anyone all of this before, although various people have heard various parts.
When I was very young, although I can't be certain of my age (around 6-9), a 13ish year old cousin of mine used to visit annually, and he used to touch me inappropriately. My memories of this period are sketchy, but I do remember that he constructed a sci-fi game that involved him using my nightdress as a "dressing" for his "injured eyes". I was very aware of not wearing underwear under my nightdress, so he was getting a good look at everything between my legs. If I turned away, he told me I'd suffer back injury, and I also very clearly remember the feel of his erection against my feet and legs. I also know that I used to fret over how I could avoid his visits for years to come. I repressed all of this until I was around sixteen, and read an Ian McEwan short story that focused on incest, and it slowly came back, in dribs and drabs. It was horrific. I shared a watered down version of my new, frightening memories with my best female friend of the time, although in less detail, but she dismissed them and said "all cousins go through confused sexual feelings". She made me feel like I was crying wolf, and I accepted my experiences as normal.
I do remember being 13, however, on my last family holiday before my parents split. We were in New York, and I was in the hotel bathroom peeing. My urine hit a boil, or spot, on my inner labia and it was agony. I didn't dare tell anyone. I've had oral cold-sores for as long as I can remember.
When I lost my virginity, it didn't hurt at all. Several men who felt my vagina beforehand commented on how "loose" I was, and I don't remember feeling my hymen break, even though I'd never been sporty, or used tampons. Over my teenage years, I had multiple sexual partners. We always used condoms, but I also always remember these occasional spot-like boils. I was too young to take responsibility, or admit I had been - technically - sexually active since I was six, so I ignored them. When I reached eighteen or so, I realised I probably had herpes. I went to see my GP, in the hope of having my sores checked out, but also with the intention of being put on the pill.
Said doctor launched straight in with a speech about how I was morbidly obese (I was a size UK16) and I left without mentioning any of my sexual health problems, in tears. Since then, I've also visited a Brook Advisory clinic, during which the nurse bought out a diagram to demonstrate how overweight I was compared to herself. I concluded the pill was clearly not for me. I must stress, I was still a young, inexperienced girl. I had never had consensual sex without a condom (although several men had forced themselves into me over the years, when we'd been fooling around, even though I'd said I didn't want to sleep with them without a condom). I have since had a further twenty sexual partners, always with condoms (although again, apart from one man who forced himself upon me despite my protests), but never when I've had a "sore". I just ignored my problems, and hoped they'd go away.
I'm now 23, and have since come to terms with the fact that I very likely have herpes. I have not had full sex with anyone for two years, since I realised "sores" on the vagina aren't normal. I'm haunted by how I - technically - lost my virginity, and I'm now terrified that I've passed herpes onto the various sexual partners that I've had over the years, including at least three that forced themselves upon me when I said no.
I'm frightened to go to a doctor, in case they don't see past my weight (I'm a size UK18, and 5'3"), or judge me for my former mistakes, or judge me for not seeing a medical professional sooner.
Additionally, my father was a surgeon, so any previous medial issues I've ever suffered (such as sprained ankles, blocked ears, etc) were always dealt with by him. He died last year (suddenly, horribly) and the thought of being near a doctor breaks my heart. I miss him so much, the only comfort I have is knowing that he'll never know that I was abused.
I feel so fucked up, and complicated, and diseased, and disgusting. My family are so loving, close; I've always been the self-harming, drug-taking fuck up. Now that I'm an adult, I recognise how broken I am... but I still have these health issues that I'm too frightened to deal with.
I guess I just wanted to tell someone about it all.
no subject
Maybe you can find a councilor to speak with, They may have a network of dr's that take care to address your needs properly. If you have a woman's shelter in your area they may also have a line of dr's that are more in tune with your needs.
I wish you healing and love dear.
no subject
I have quite a few traumatic abuse memories that have resurfaced, that are very similar to yours. It takes guts to admit them to yourself. I applaud you!
You might call a 'rape hotline.' They should be able to put you in touch with help that will take you seriously and help you. A 'Planned Parenthood' clinic should also be able to help you.
It takes time to heal and put yourself back together again, but you can! I've done it and so have many other women. Just give yourself time and don't expect to be fixed quickly.
*hugs*
no subject
You are not a fuck-up, you are not disgusting, there is nothing wrong with you. It may be that you are right that you might have herpes, which is a very very common virus that tons and tons of people have been exposed to - it doesn't make you dirty. What happened to you doesn't make you dirty or broken. It sucked and was unfair and wrong, but you're being totally tough and brave by facing it. I know that's far easier said than believed, but I do hope you'll get there.
(frozen comment) no subject
I can only imaging how difficult it was for you to type that all out.
I have a few things to say that might help you go on with a healthy sexual life!
1) Health care professionals should not make you feel bad about yourself. They are, by definition, there to make you feel better. If a doctor crosses the line between giving advice and belittling you, they should be reported to whatever board there is in your region.
2) There ARE awesome doctors out there! You should find one because there are medications out there that can make you feel better during an outbreak, and you can confirm that it is herpes that you contracted. They also have medications that reduce the risk of transference so you can have a less-risky sex life!
3) I know this might be construed badly, as a 'blaming the victim' comment so I'm going to be very careful about my wording, and let me know if you need clarification.
If you have been abused frequently throughout the past few years, then in order to become mentally and emotionally healthy (which you definitely can do!) you need to break the cycle, and ensure that you don't get abused again! If the common denominator is men physically overpowering you, then maybe a self defence course would make you feel stronger and better able to fight them off. If it's more of a verbal/confidence thing where you saying 'NO' is not ringing true, and you are forced to succumb, then a women's empowerment group might be able to help you find your voice. You are young, and this post shows that you are brave! This should be embraced so you can live your 20s in the way that you WANT to live your 20s!
(frozen comment) Maintainer Note
We understand that you're trying to be helpful and supportive, and we appreciate your good intentions, but you're right that part of your comment can be construed as victim blaming (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#What_is_.22victim_blaming.22_and_why_is_it_not_allowed_in_VP.3F) (and that, as you likely know, is something we ask VP members to avoid doing).
It's not that we think that self-defense classes or empowerment groups are a bad idea (both are great, potentially helpful suggestions), but the way you've phrased these suggestions ("you need to break the cycle, and ensure that you don't get abused again!") puts the onus on the OP to prevent future abuse, rather than placing that burden where it belongs -- on the people who commit abusive acts. We certainly encourage the OP and other survivors to do whatever they need to do in order to feel comfortable, happy, and safe, but we also acknowledge that no one can "ensure" that they are not abused, as no one can control the actions of others.
Please consider this a warning as well as a friendly reminder to take this opportunity to review VP's policies. You can find more information on these in our FAQ (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ), as linked here:
You are more than welcome to make a post over in
Tori
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
no subject
I think it's very important for your own physical and mental well-being to seek out services that can offer you guidance and support with all you're going through. Having someone to talk to (without judgment) will help you figure out your feelings and will give you a safe space to sort through all the emotional upheaval.
Finding a doctor who is caring and will actually help you be WELL instead of making you feel worse about yourself will also help- you'll know what's going on with your body and how to take care of yourself in a way that will be comfortable for you.
Seeking both the mental and physical health support systems will most likely be very beneficial in the long-run (though it can be hard- I've been sexually assaulted and for me, it's taken a long while to sort through it all), but in the end you'll be a happier, healthier, more self-confident you!
Please know that what happened to you isn't your fault. You're not a disgusting person and you didn't do anything wrong. You have support here at VP. I hope all goes well for you and thank you for sharing your story with us. It was very brave of you!
no subject
I know you said that you're terrified of having passed on what could be herpes to others, even or especially those who have forced themselves on you without a condom, but for those people, their sexual health is their responsibility, too. This is true even if the sex is consensual, and from what you're describing, it doesn't sound like it was, so it's definitely true.
I hope this wasn't too garbled, as I'm really tired, but I just wanted to respond because I really felt for you. I hope the support of this community helps you feel like you're not disgusting, like it's not your fault, like you're not fucked up, and can help you find any resources you need. <3
Maintainer Note
This is just a quick note to remind readers that VP has some guidelines (http://www.vaginapagina.com/index.php?title=VaginaPagina_FAQ#Things_to_Consider_when_Responding_to_Posts_about_Sexual_Assault) for responding to posts about sexual abuse or assault.
VP is fabulous because of its members. We appreciate your sensitivity and understanding when responding here. :)
If you have questions or concerns, feel free to get in touch.
Caroline
For the VP Team (http://www.vaginapagina.com/contact.php)
P.S. If you get a moment could you please edit your post to include a descriptive subject line? This will help other members use your post as a resource in the future. Thanks!
no subject
it's for survivors of physical and emotional and sexual abuse. It has really helped me in my recovery and I thoroughly recommend it.
What happened to you wasn't your fault. Neither was the unprotected sex. You protested, but they went ahead anyway. That is THEIR fault, not yours.
*hugs*
no subject
(You're a long-term member: you can probably guess what else I'm going to suggest, if you've been having weight issues. I thought I was just "eating too much" when I was gaining weight while nursing, and "too lazy/exhausted from high-attention-demanding kid" to exercise. No, that would be the hypothyroid...)
*offers hugs again*
no subject
no subject
1. I've had very mixed experiences with Brook clinics. The nurses there have not always been sympathetic or even especially knowledgeable. I'm so sorry for your experience with your GP! - but there are sympathetic, helpful GPs out there and I encourage you to look for one.
2. Herpes, in itself, is absolutely not the end of the world. I... probably have it (long story), probably so does my boyfriend, and definitely so do at least two other people I know. The thing I've found with herpes is that often, people's reactions to it are really affected by the way they caught it, or think they caught it, rather than the symptoms themselves. If you think you've caught it in traumatic circumstances it affects you psychologically in a profound sense. So this is really something to talk through with a counsellor, as well as a GP or similar.